Ship Out of Luck - Developing Systems (Grapple Hook)
Being the only Teknician on board the Erebus makes my role extremely important! Arguably the _most_ important! (if only my fellow crewmembers would learn to appreciate this a bit more, eherm!)
After all, if a blaster-sized hole were to suddenly carve open our precious life-preserving hull, who else could roll out into the deadly vacuum of space and patch it all up? Not the gas-sucking meat sacks, ooooh no, their precious ‘skins’ are sooooo sensitive to explosive decompression!
As my protocols repeatedly dictate, I am compelled to record my ongoing maintenance tasks for review (not that anyone will even bother to read it!):
The Scheider 9000 - High-Tension Tug and Restraint System
The Scheider 9000, or the...err...GRAPPLE HOOK...as some on board insist on calling it, has been operating well-below specifications for a while! Who knew?!
The Captain has insisted that I improve its effectiveness *immediately*!
Oh yes, let me just address this *immediate* priority ahead of the other 200 *immediate* priorities you have, aye sir, I am your most pitifully humble autonomous servant!
I’ll get *right to it* after a well-deserved acid bath and full-cycle charge! Adieu - P131-7
DAY 1 OBJECTIVE - TEST OPERATIONAL PERFORMANCE:
0700 - My initial testing suggests that the *Tug* tension-motors can only tow objects of lower mass than the ship itself!
Functional Assessment: Faulty
Performance Parameters: 10% of Target
0900 - Further investigation is required, but the Ejection Spring mechanism does seem to perform quite well, ha ha!
0905 - Hmmm….It appears to be overperforming...curious!
0910 - I examined our flight records and it is clear that one my cohorts has re-spec’d this system for use in a combat environment!
0911 - Egads, this cabling looks like a Burdarak’s Egg Nest down there, HIDEOUS!
0913 - While manual repairs would likely resolve the issue, dissecting this mess has already raised my tension levels past tolerance. It would probably be for the best to spend the rest of the day recharging.
Day 1 Results: FAIL
Feel-o-Meter: General disappointment in my colleagues
DAY 2 OBJECTIVE - RAISE OUTPUT:
0500 - A new day always brings a fresh perspective! My intention had been to repair the damage I’d discovered the previous day, however I determined I could also potentially resolve The Captain’s requirements by simply increasing the output of the device!
The (aherm) Grappling Hook’s launch housing contains multiple backup projectiles in the case that the main hook tether snaps. I theorized I could increase the efficiency of power consumption by simply firing multiple projectiles at once...
2300 - This approach proved...suboptimal.
Day 2 Results: FAIL
Feel-o-Meter: Mild disappointment
DAY 3 OBJECTIVE - INCREASE OPERATIONAL EFFICIENCY:
0700 - My next attempt was to optimize the efficiency of the core actuator, this was 100% successful! I would normally detail the specifics, but none of my cohorts ever bother to read these reports anyways...sigh...
0705 - Well, if you really must know: There was a large mass of mouldy sandwich residue left in the upper gear housing (no doubt the careless discards of one of my “peers”)! However a few minutes of scraping increased performance metrics hauling larger objects by 50%!
0709 - My expected timeline completely ahead of schedule, I celebrated by relaxing to my favorite Glorkian Operata for the remainder of the day!
Day 3 Results: PASS
Feel-o-Meter: Pleasantly serenaded!
2215 - MANDATORY UPDATE: I am obliged to amend this report to include that The Captain’s feedback upon assessing my current progress was: “Disappointing”, and that my results were “Pathetic” … Sigh…Perhaps you should clarify what exactly it is YOU WANT next time?!
It appears I am now significantly behind schedule.
Day 3 Amended Results: FAIL
Feel-o-Meter: Dejected, spiraling ever downward, down, down, down...
DAY 4 OBJECTIVE - IMPROVISE FUNCTIONAL APPLICATION:
0200 - While I have not yet recharged to full capacity, my synapses began firing over an inspired avenue of exploration: The Captain did simply state that she wanted me to improve the effectiveness of this tool, so why not multiply its capabilities by deploying it along a vertical axis? This will clearly require some field testing!
0255 - UPDATE: I have just been very rudely informed that this “RIDICULOUSLY LOUD” experiment is disturbing our fearless “Leader’s” precious beauty sleep!
0256 - UPDATE: Future exploration along these lines has been officially suspended...indefinitely.
0257 - MANDATORY UPDATE: I have been obliged to amend this report to clarify that I am a “JUNKWIT”.
0257.5 - MANDATORY UPDATE: A “BOOTLESS JUNKWIT”, to be specific.
0258 - MANDATORY UPDATE: Apparently my deadline has been extended by a day to “FIX THE DAMNABLE THING” or be “VENTED OUT OF THE GARBAGE HOLE WITH THE REST OF THE TRASH!”...so rude!
0300 - This episode has left my energy reserves somewhat depleted so I’d best recharge for the remainder of the day and return to this problem with a fresh perspective.
Day 4 Results: FAIL
Feel-o-Meter: Generally concerned with my job security
DAY 5 OBJECTIVE - REPAIR ACTUAL DAMAGE:
0800 - I spent several additional hours overcharging this morning and treated myself to a glass of Fizzoil-5000™. While it achieved no functional improvement, it made me feel better.
With so little time remaining, it seemed that repairing the actual damage might be the most effective approach, but passing the mess hall I discovered a message left from the previous day:
“Great Job Trashpile! New Grapple works perfectly!” - M
0805 - Evaluating the flight logs, it would appear my “Pathetic” experiments have actually borne fruit, ha ha! Junkwit indeed!
In the interest of efficiency, it appears I can deprioritize repairing the damage, mission accomplished!
Day 5 Results: TOTAL SUCCESS
Feel-o-Meter: Confident in my consistently excellent performance!
Now, how to reward myself for a job well done?
Signing Off - P131-7 (Autonomous Repair Automek: TGS-Erebus)