Blogs - Sab3rr

I'm still surprised at how many of you guys remember the good old days, and more surprisingly me. Seems we all still hold fond memories of this place and out time together.

Time seems to be accelerating, and the gaps between blogs are getting larger. But frankly I didn't expect to be writing another one anyway. So this one is for you guys! I'm also sorry if you guys are posting blogs, I am a bad person because I haven't read anything on this site besides PMs in years. This blog won't be containing much detail, mainly because I myself can't remember many details from the past 2 years since my last blog.

After graduation I started my master's research project. It was a 2 year course and I was tasked with developing trajectory optimisation algorithms and controllers to recover large transport aircraft from upsets (in simulation). I graduated with distinction in December last year with a 200 page thesis. It was really fun, but also really tough.

I then looked for work overseas without success unfortunately. I settled with a local company that employs mainly graduate master's students from my postgrad lab I studied at. They seem to hire all the pedigree master's students, so I'm quite honored to be working there. They are an aerospace company, but don't be fooled, SA doest not have an aerospace industry. The company only has clients overseas, developing UAV systems. But the work thus far has been really fun. Funnily enough my best friend I have been studying for the past 6 years, master's included, is also working there, so I just can't seem to get rid of him haha. But no, it's amazing that we've sticked together like this.

I hope to strengthen my CV with industry experience working for the company so that my application for international work will be easier (the international job economy is extremely rough atm, go figure). I might have a contact lined up for Germany so we'll see where the next 2 years take me!

I'm still gaming, albeit a bit less. But I blame the sorry state of the gaming industry right now for that. DLC, microtransactions and disgusting anti consumer practice has made me avoid the main titles. But I guess I'm still playing the flavour of the month, like PUBG (when not pissed at the hacker problem). Never even picked up Casualfield 1.

With the past 6 years mainly being studies, I'm hoping and trying to socialise more locally, but geeks like me are scarce here in SA. My LDR is still going strong after 3 years, with them visiting me last June which was magical.

Also congrats to Arcones for publishing his first shortstory and sending me a copy! I was really touched by that. I hope the rest of you are also moving forward and getting where you want to be.

Sab3rr out...

Who still reads these things anyway? But for those that still care and just for myself to kinda reflect, here is a long time coming blog update.

Graduation. I've officially graduated as an electronic engineer on Wednesday. That means, yup you've guessed it, I'm now officially unemployed! I don't feel much different, yet it feels amazing that I graduated with all my close friends.

Because of the work I've done with my final year project and my general performance during my studies, I've been accepted for a scholarship for my master's degree at my university, spanning two years. I'll be working with world acclaimed professors in their field, working in cutting edge projects for companies such as Airbus, that focus on control systems for autonomous vehicles. I'm rather exited for next year.

So I suppose you can say my hard work has payed off and I'm well on my way. But as with all things in life, it came at a price. The obvious one given away by my lack of blog updates. After a train wreck of a Christmas vacation last year, with me being down for the count and burned out due to stress, I went into this year without much energy. My mental health came into question due to my breakdown. After several appointments, I was given anti-depressants and diagnosed with social anxiety. Not so surprising on the latter really. The anti-depressants is there with the hopes of getting me through my final year of my studies. With my close friends whom I study with carrying me through most of the year, and my medication, I at least coped. The final semester it was all about our final year project. Friends couldn’t help you with that. Luckily I had a great professor to help me and in the end it all worked out.

With my mental condition being diagnosed, I’ve started with phycologist sessions to try and undue the negative mental patterns I’ve cemented in my brain over the years. I think it’s helping. It’s good to have someone else’s perspective that is not part of your echo chamber and family culture.

One apparent thing is just the sacrifice a person must make for higher education. The average person seems to say engineers are these anti-social, arrogant people, or the same of pretty much any highly educated individual. The fact is this is the impression people get because they do not understand the sacrifice these educated individuals had to make to get where they are. Financial, mental and social sacrifices. We can’t explain these sacrifices, because the average person does not have the scope to understand them and thus reverts to calling us entitled and arrogant. So both parties end up sour for one another. We can’t talk about average things with average people, because we never had the time to experience them during studies, and thus our youth. People think we are workaholics, because that’s all we talk about. But people can only make friends with those that share their interests, and for us those are down to people in our field. Also working academically for years on end breeds a certain mental condition. Why are we so systematic, and critical about everything? Why can’t we just enjoy things for what they are? Why aren’t we more impulsive? It’s because these traits just cause trouble in academics and research. If you are busy with academics 80% of your day, you can’t just switch off that mental condition for the other 20% if your day, or the weekend even. This is why you will hear people say to do your post grad studies as soon as you’re done with pregrad. Because if you go work in the field, you lose your critical mindset and transitioning back to it for post grad studies makes it even more difficult. So, in a sense I look forward to regaining a more relaxed mental attitude once I go work in the field, but until then, I’ve accepted my fate. Don’t get me wrong though, working at the edge of human technology during post grad has its own rewards.

I can’t have a life update without talking about gaming. So the first half of this year was pretty dry, with my friends and I doing the Dota 2 thing. It wasn’t as great as we hoped, and with the Reborn update it all went to hell. With constant updates and a toxic community, we just left that game for good. I also had my run with Eve online, made quite a bit and rather quickly for a new player, but with studies it could not go much further.

The second half of this year, I got Killing Floor 2. I’m glad I did because it turned out to be perfect for keeping me going and scratching my trigger finger. At the moment it is still my go to game, with Ark survival evolved with my one friend supplementing it. The FPS scene for PC is still very much in crisis mode. With Battlefront not having dedicated servers being a huge issue and Rainbow six Siege not being all that much.

In other news, South Africa is kinda dissolving into chaos around me, a slippery slope of corruption and protests. Riots at university, the natives being restless. The economy is at the brink of collapse due to the people in government being apes. I couldn’t have gotten my degree any sooner. And hopefully after my masters I can get a job overseas, although that plan does look promising hearing of the connections we have from this faculty.

This blog doesn’t do the intensity of my year much justice but there it is. I’m still in a relationship and going strong, which naturally helps. But it is a long distance relationship and that does have an emotional toll on me. But it will be worth it I know it. The internet is a weird thing and is changing how our generation interacts. For better or worse, only us lot be able to say one day. The wheel of life weaves forward.

Sab3rr out! o7

So a Christmas holiday and the longest quarter in my life just zipped by looking at when last I updated this piece of the internet. Still, it feels that time is speeding up. Not sure if it's because of age, or just the pace of life. Anyway, things are definitely not same old same old, far from it. Things are changing quite fast in my life, hopefully for the better, but it has taken its toll. Depression, emotional confusion, more studies and... love. Let the wheel turn.

I was hoping after a brutal 3rd year at university a long Christmas holiday would help me recover. Things turned out much worse in the end. Starting the vacation exhausted was actually the better part of the holiday. Instead of recuperating, my mental and physical state deteriorated even more. I've never had to deal with subconscious built up stress, and in this case, it took me completely by surprise. My body just said, enough was enough and it took my mind with it. I fell into depression during the holiday, my appetite disappeared and I was sleeping most of the day. Thinking that this was just my normal post year existential crises I thought I'd give it a week or two. Elite Dangerous (see previous blog) was not the answer to lifting my mood, and I think even if I had the perfect game and friends to play with it would not have helped. My mind cracked, a full on mental breakdown due to stress. I started having anxiety issues. This was a first for me and because it of this, it took a month to eliminate a physical condition as a cause for my deterioration. So after a terrible, exhausting and worrying holiday near the end, after self research and seeing the right people, I accepted that my mental health was in trouble. Putting the pieces together it started making sense. My body could not keep the pace, I need more sleep that the average person. A medical condition was found that that causes me to tire out quickly if stressed. My mental health is more susceptible to a stress overload due to genes from my mother's side and a lot of other littler things that made up the cause of my depression that holiday. Pills were prescribed and I had to work hard to bring my appetite back. So with only a week before class was due to start again, I hit the road to recovery. Luckily I recovered enough by the time class started to cope again. But I was not the same after that. I had to take better care of my body and mind to avoid this happening again. Unfortunately after this, I'm kinda more susceptible to anxiety and stress.

I'm ok though, I coped handling the first quarter the same way I did the last brutal year, with close friends and looking after myself more. I'll know now when I'm burned out and what to do about it. I was not the only one affected however, my friends all felt the blow from 3rd year. Starting out the quarter having survived this ordeal, I kept my faith and believed the wheel will turn. That wheel of time that brings to those what they deserve. I was holding onto that wheel. I was still struggling to find a video game that brought me the fix I got from my Battlefield career. I've accepted that the gaming itch is part of me and I won't be able to get rid of it anytime soon.

So with the FPS gaming scene in crisis mode, I got into Eve online. Never thought I'd be that type of person. But friends have gotten me into a lot of things. Spent about a month playing reading simulator 2015 and another getting to grips with the game's scope and depth. I could see there was potential. But my busy schedule studying put brakes on this effort and I was finding it hard to get my fix. I've also been playing more and more Dota 2 due to my close friend being a veteran and playing it together was the closest I got to playing games the way I used to, with teamwork and on coms having fun together, even though I sucked at the game. If you do it with a friend virtually next to you, it's always fun. I then bough Homeworld remastered, never having played the originals. And wow... was I surprised. It is glorious, proving to me once again it's not me, but that modern games just do suck and old games stay good. No carrot on a stick unlocks and holding hands. If Star Wars Empire at War had a predecessor, this was it. With my faith in my gaming tastes renewed the quarter at university grinded on.

Then something unexpected happened. I was wrestling with strange unknown feelings ever since last year. Having worse things to deal with, I kinda put it to the back of my head. It kept bugging me. I thought it was due to my gaming itch bothering me but turns out it was not that. Turns out I was falling in love. I'd gotten close to a friend online that helped me cope through this tough time. A person that allowed me to open up and vent. Knowing them online and myself not really believing in long distance relationships, I left it at that, being good friends, the confused feeling still tugging at me. I could not stop thinking about them. Events transpired and we ended up confessing our feelings and decided to give a relationship a shot. The feeling of immense relief, knowing someone reflects your love towards them back is indescribable. My dad always told me love just hits you and you can't do much about it, turns out he was right. I finally felt at that stage that the wheel has indeed turned and I was so thankful.

After this I was invited to a prize giving event at our engineering faculty for us EnE students. Turns out I'm in the top ten (there about, 7thish, my two friends being #1 and #2) of the whole EnE class for 3rd year (90ish strong), my hard work commended with a piece of paper (and a cash payout tba).
Picture album of the event:
Imgur.com

As for studies in general, things aren't getting easier, but things are coming together. You don't notice it consciously, but subconsciously the course has changed my thought process to that of a technical problem solver. We've learned almost enough theory to say we've covered the basics. We're getting the big picture, which is a good feeling. Next is our final year project to see if we got the stuff for real and then we're looking at master's degree. The opportunities seems to be there with our department having good ties with EU universities. The country's situation over here is only looking worse by the week so the sooner I can get an opportunity internationally, the better.

So that's that. Things are looking up, I've got some experiences waiting for me to catch up on to say the least. Let the wheel turn...

Sab3rr out o7

I'm still alive, barely.

This year flew by in the blink of an eye looking at when I last updated this little piece of internet. It has been a hectic year and toughest year at uni yet. I'm successfully carrying on to 4th year engineering studies, but the year has severely drained me physically and emotionally and I have allot of catching up to do with the rest of life.

Devoting all my attention to studies just to keep my head above water means that my creativity is at an all time low and emotionally I'm left confused and frustrated. I've discovered some depressing personal faults while being severely pressured.

Hopefully the 2 month vacation I have is enough for me to put myself back together, but I've gained allot of new perspectives on life this past year, perspectives that did change my outlook on life itself and where I might fit into it. Suffice to say, I think the cultural environment where I'm in currently at home is not for me and I feel rather dumb for only realizing it now, but I had no other perspectives until now.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about it however and there isn't much I can do at this stage. Things might become more clear after a long rest. I hope.

Some updates in my life include the end of my competitive FPS career. It all just imploded with me being to busy and the rest of the team also being to busy with real life. Plus the fact that BF4 is a piece of shit game and just wastes the competitive player's time with its nonsense. I still love my FPS, and maybe a game worth my time will pop up again. I've been getting into the combat flight sim thing abit more due to War Thunder and I'm quite enjoying it. It just takes time to get into it and getting the proper equipment to enjoy it with.

Without the competitive FPS scene, I've lost allot of focus regarding my free time. Trying to pick up new hobbies while studying is difficult and getting good in them on a standard I'm happy with is nigh impossible.

(Start meaningless ramble) Up until now I've been underestimating video games and what they do for you mentally and socially. I didn't realize how much I relied on them to expand my horizons and befriend new ppl. The problem I sit with socially is that the common man's interest out there is just too far off from my own, so there isn't much out there for me irl socially speaking, especially in the cultural box I'm stuck in here. Realizing that there isn't something socially wrong with me and rather that I'm just in the wrong place culturally was a big eye opener to me and a confidence booster. However it does kinda depress me that I've been suppressed socially so long due to my personality and situation. (/end meaningless ramble)

Here's hoping some new good quality games will bring back some focus into my free time. Looking at the online spaceship games like Elite Dangerous to be the miracle I'm waiting for. Fingers crossed.

Sab3rr out o7

BAM!!

Yeah...just how life hit me in the face start of this year. Lets just say 3rd year Electronic Engineering studies is no cake walk. Working day and night, week after week. Working with the stop students in your class is rewarding, but a living hell none the less.

So my social interactions for this year thus far has boiled down to talking about frequency spectrums, circuit design, math and making fun of the worst lecturer to ever walk this planet. Even when taking a break with buds, that's all we talk about, cause that's all we're doing...

BUT I do enjoy the work. Quite fascinating. Being pushed the the utter limit does put you on the spot...to discover your strength...and weaknesses, and trying to accept them is a battle in its own.

While this has been going on, I'm trying to balance other lives as well. Playing against world champion class teams in the BF4 scene is hard work as well, but oh so rewarding. And these are local teams we are playing against.
Yup... recently I realized that SA has some of the top BF4 players in the world. Our national team stands in the grand finals in the world championship tournament for BF4. And these are the guys we have been competing against for the past year or so.

Finally, in the scraps of free time we have, we've been exploring the world and mechanics of Dungeons and Dragons. The classic RP game that spawned it all, from the very first RPG games to Mass Effect. Quite humbling to play as a gamer.

This all leading up to me being pushed to the limit and inspired to do something else for a change, I have decided to come back to the RP on Moddb, even tho I know it is in utter shambles, but some still remain, eager to flex their RP muscles.

Sab3rr out! o7

I always wanted to live stream. I still wish I could live stream gaming but that is still out of my reach.

What I can stream however it seems, is me derping/doodling around in PHS.
So this means you can watch while I sketch, or just do w/e in PHS, or just plain hang out.

Now if you put 2 and 2 together you might be thinking, but is this ever going to happen? I don't post things regularly. So why would I stream regularly?

Inspiration and motivation are the key words here. I know from experience that watching live streams of ppl doing constructive things sparks inspiration and motivation. It also works the other way around if you do the the live stream yourself.

So I'm hoping that ppl might be interested in me doodling and showing how I doodle/draw in PHS. This might be nice for ppl that are learning themselves so they can see they are not alone in their struggles :P

I hope this might boost my confidence in drawing more regularly if this works at all and maybe boost motivation in others.

So lets derp together!

Other stuff:

We finally found a name for our small band of friends here on Moddb! We have Arcones to thank for that. (He really is like the glue of the group :P) We also thank him for coming back to twitter!

I also wish Arcones luck in starting collage! It is indeed a massive step and super exiting. and painnf...I mean full of opportunities! We are here for you bud, for those days when you have no more fucks to give and life starts trampling over you, the Moddb Mobster are always here! ;)

I say this from experience guys...thanks, and GL Arcones, fun times ahead.

Sab3rr out.

___________________________________________________,d8*_________________
_________________________________________________,d88**_________________
_______________________________________________,d888`**_________________
____________________________________________,d888`****__________________
___________________________________________,d88`******__________________
_________________________________________,d88`*********_________________
________________________________________,d8`************________________
______________________________________,d8****************_______________
____________________________________,d88**************..d**`____________
__________________________________,d88`*********..d8*`****______________
________________________________,d888`****..d8P*`********_______________
________________________._____,d8888*8888*`*************________________
______________________,*_____,88888*8P*****************_________________
____________________,*______d888888*8b.****************_________________
__________________,P_______dP__*888.*888b.**************________________
________________,8*________8____*888*8`**88888b.*********_______________
______________,dP________________*88_8b.*******88b.******______________
_____________d8`__________________*8b_8b.***********8b.***_____________
___________,d8`____________________*8._8b.**************88b.___________
__________d8P_______________________88._8b.***************_____________
________,88P________________________888__8b.************_______________
_______d888*_______.d88P____________888___8b.*********_________________
______d8888b..d888888*______________888____8b.*******________*_________
____,888888888888888b.______________888_____8b.*****_________8_______
___,8*;88888P*****788888888ba.______888______8b.****_________8'________
__,8;//,8888*________`88888*_________d88*_______8b.***________8'_________
__)8e888*__________,88888be._______888_________8b.**_______8'__________
_,d888`___________,8888888***_____d888__________88b.*____d8'___________
,d88P`___________,8888888Pb._____d888`___________888b.__d8'____________
888*____________,88888888**___.d8888*___________________d8'_____________
`88____________,888888888____.d88888b__________________d88'_____________
_`P___________,8888888888bd888888*_____________________d88'_____________
______________d888888888888d888*_______________________d88'_____________
______________8888888888888888b.________________________d88'____________
______________88*._*88888888888b.________.db_____________d888'__________
______________`888b.`8888888888888b._.d8888P_______________d888'________
_______________**88b.`*8888888888888888888888b...____________d888'______
________________*888b.`*8888888888P***7888888888888e.__________d888'____
_________________88888b.`********.d8888b**__`88888P*____________d888'___
_________________`888888b_____.d88888888888**__`8888.____________d888'__
__________________)888888.___d888888888888P______`8888888b.______d88888'
_________________,88888*____d88888888888**`________`8888b__________d888'
________________,8888*____.8888888888P`______________`888b.________d888'
_______________,888*______888888888b...________________`88P88b.__d8888'_
______.db.___,d88*________88888888888888b________________`88888888888___
__,d888888b.8888`_________`*888888888888888888P`______________******____
_/*****8888b**`______________`***8888P*``8888`__________________________
__/**88`_______________________________/**88`__________________________
__`|'_____________________________/*8888888'___________________________

You heard what the title said.
Now how am I going to fill 300 chars....I mean when I'm tweeting filling chars doesn't seem to be a problem at all. hmmm. I could ramble on and on about nothing, but this is just supposed to be a place holder.

Can I post this thing yet?

Nnnnnope won't let me...what about now.......