My name is Kjell Bunjes and I'm currently living in Germany. I am interested in 2D Game Art and also Coding. This profile has been in use since Winter 2009 and grown ever since. I appreciate the interest that the ModDB community has shown up to here and I hope to inspire even more people out there. You can get notifications about my updates, if you click on the track-button on the right-hand side. Whenever you have a question, don't hesitate to write me a private message, I usually respond within 10 hours (except for weekends). At last, I hope that everyone has a great time and enjoys what he or she is currently doing in life.

Report article RSS Feed Dear diary,...

Posted by iQew on Jul 17th, 2011

User Posted Image
User Posted ImageUser Posted Image

This entry is dedicated to all people who are interested in personal development, finding one's inner balance, religious beliefs, spiritual growth or psychology. My previous blogs usually talked about superficial daily-life stuff and the development of Mindworld. The following, however, talks about deeper things that requires you to think about it. If you're just looking for some quick entertainment and distraction, you probably should not read on, because it may leave you like a book with an open ending (or movie, if you're one of those people who are too cool or busy to read books).

A few years back, when I consciously started dealing with personal development (as in getting to know myself and who I really am), I wanted to start a diary. So, one day I got out a few pieces of paper and a pen. That's pretty much the furthest I got at writing a diary entry, because I didn't know how to start. It felt really girlish to even start a letter-like text with "Dear diary..." and I figured it would be quite embarrassing, if anyone found those texts.

Today, I start the blog entry with those exact same words and even publish them on the internet so everyone can read them, because I don't see any shame in it at all. It looks like I've made quite a big amount of progress here. Ever since I was little, I wanted to become a wise old man people look up to and travel to, to get advice. It's actually the furthest I can think back to, it was my first real wish of what I wanted from life and I vividly envisioned it some nights, when I was about to fall asleep. Asian temples and monks who live without any belongings, but their social life and beliefs always had a huge impact on me and still have.

There was a point in my life where I was thinking about throwing my money away. I think I was around 14 or 15 and I didn't feel any connection to money. Questions like "What do to with it?" arised, because I didn't want to buy anything and wasn't looking forward to something expensive either. It started quite early that I only got money at my birthday, because I didn't know what else people could give me as a gift. Many people probably know that and everyone says that it's a good present because then you can decide yourself what to buy and everyone is happy. Bollocks, it's just another sign of how far away people live together with each other these days emotionally.

I'm getting sick of this digitalized world more and more every day. I never understood why all people have cell phones, well, I do understand it, but I'm just fascinated with how people react when I tell them that I don't have one. A friend of mine gave me his old one, but right at this moment I don't even have the slightest clue where it is. It's pretty much the same reaction when I tell people that I'm not using any social networks like facebook and so on. Now, the best effect is when I tell them both things in a short amount of time like in one sentence, for example.

In theory, the road to happiness is a simple way to go. The things you need are around you and don't even cost a single penny. Everyone knows what I'm talking about and happiness is the default state everyone has inside them. The bad news is that since we were little most of us got prepared for the society we are currently living in. We are told to put on happy faces when getting photographed or told to be quiet when Mom or Dad are working at home, if they're even around (we don't even have to talk about divorce here, do we?). We get alienated from happiness since the start and then wonder why so many people suffer from depression, burn out syndrome or why killing sprees happen.

I'm not angry about it, in fact, I don't have a strong negative emotinal respond to that at all. I don't like the society we have created, but I understand why we created it. I have reached a state of total acceptance and tolerance. A few hours earlier, I got out to the terrace and just had this strong feeling of balance and peace within myself. It's definitely a great feeling and I noticed how I can drain a lot of self confidence and self-esteem from it.

Definitely a very interesting point of my life that I'm currently experiencing, I'm enjoying it. The thoughts I had that motivated me to write this blog were a little bit different from what I've been writing about the past hour. I have a very strong belief in the concept of happiness, but I asked myself, whether I shouldn't be more open minded.

It's a paradox: If I believe that being open minded is the only way to go, am I right or wrong?

Sometimes, I get caught in my own analysis. I really like to talk about how one can develope their own personality and I love to help out. But, often I'm very sure about a certain pattern I see in one's behaviour, but that one says I am wrong, while I believe that the one I'm talking with just does not see it yet. When something like that happens I usually say that I may be wrong and everyone has to find their own way, but I'm pretty sure about what I said. And then I start thinking about why I even try to help. Do I help because it's a great feeling to help? And am I now helping just to achieve that feeling in myself or do I help for the sake of helping? Am I just looking for admiration of my skills or am I doing it because I want to do it? Does it even matter why I am doing it at all?

It can get quite confusing and challenging sometimes to live in a world of non-judgement. But, after all, it's a great world to live in and I'm enjoying my stay a lot and that definitely means something.

If you have read this far, thank you and if you haven't, thank you too.

cheers.

User Posted ImageUser Posted ImageUser Posted Image
User Posted Image

Post comment Comments
Garyn Dakari
Garyn Dakari Jul 17 2011, 9:58pm says:

Wow...This is the first blog post I've ever actually read all the way through. It reminds me of the last time me and my family went to the zoo. We were watching the sea lions, and one of them started doing spins and flips in the water. I turned around to see if anyone else was seeing it, and I realized that me and my family were the only ones watching the animals and not texting on cell phones. It made me wonder why they were even there, if all they were doing was checking facebook. I have never owned a cell phone, or used a social networking site. The closest thing to that that I use would be moddb, lol.

A whole lot has changed for me over the past few years. I went through some kind of depression when I was twelve and thirteen, mostly because I thought my life was too boring, and there were a lot of bad things going on with one of my older siblings. I was even straying away from God, and I had stopped reading the Bible and praying. I would dwell for long lengths about how bad I thought my life was, until one day I decided that I was being an idiot. Focusing on the bad is just about the worst thing you can do, and I was doing it almost all day, every day. It seems like those two years just flew by without me doing anything. I reminded myself that I had it a lot better than some, because I have two parents who are married, and still love each other. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I live out in the country away from the city, so it's quiet, and nothing bad ever really happens. It pretty much happened in a day, I just *snapped out of it*. I began studying the Bible again, I began smiling more, and I've learned the importance of forgiveness and apologies. During the last couple years, I have discovered who I am, and who I want to be.

(To be continued because of post limit)

+3 votes     reply to comment
Garyn Dakari
Garyn Dakari Jul 17 2011, 9:59pm says:

While I was fourteen, I got my first account on the internet. Here on moddb. When I first joined, I sort of had this slight "I'm right, you're not." personality, and I didn't even notice. I *wanted* to get into fights here, just to show people how "smart" I was. It wasn't until I started working on fan fiction called "Dawnbreaker", that I really discovered how I would be on the internet. There was this guy, who was the number one worst man I have ever spoken to in my life.

(And I do mean worst. He worships Satan, and evil. He admits to being a pervert and a criminal. He also thinks that Hitler was right in what he did. He also thinks that every bad thing that ever happened was part of a Jewish conspiracy)

I spent nearly two months on a forum with him, in almost constant flame wars that went on every day, all day. It was ridiculous. During the last two weeks, I realized something.

It was all pointless.

All this arguing, all this fighting. It was so stupid! We(Me and the rest of the people on the forum) all wasted our time trying to change him, while he insulted us. But there was no way we could live in peace. He was almost the complete opposite of everyone else on the forum. Most of us were law abiding Christians from the US, whereas he was a Satanist/Nazi/pervert/thief from Croatia.(Yes, he was *that* bad) After a while, his hatred for us grew so large that he began threatening some of us with real violence. I, as the moderator, kicked him off the forums. After that, private arguments continued between the two of us until I got him to accept that he wasn't coming back or stealing our book. Apparently in the last two weeks, I was the only person there who wasn't flaming. I had learned that I could not fight fire with fire.

(To be continued because of post limit)

+3 votes     reply to comment
Garyn Dakari
Garyn Dakari Jul 17 2011, 10:01pm says:

Since then, I have not got angry anywhere, not on the internet or in real life.

I didn't want to be anything like him after that. I didn't want to be someone who attacked other people simply because they had an opinion that deferred from my own. When he was doing that to me during those months, and I was telling him that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I realized that I had actually been doing the same thing(Just to a much less extreme). After we broke contact with him, I feel that I am a much more logical person. Arguing with him, bringing my side out, made me discover things about myself that I didn't even know about.

Since then, I look at everything differently. When I see two people fighting, rather that take sides, I try to settle the fight. When someone insults me, I try to talk to them rather than insult back. If someone disagrees with me on the internet, I don't usually argue anymore, because we are all entitled to our own opinions.

It's a bit ironic, really. That the worst guy I have ever known turned me into a better person. I think that I have become very good at keeping a level head here on the internet, mostly because of him. I decided a while ago that most fights aren't worth fighting. I used to step up and argue when I saw someone say something like "This is the worst game ever.", or "Valve is greedy". Now, I mostly ignore it. Sometimes I throw my opinion out there, but I make a conscious effort not to say "You're wrong." or "I'm right.".

I know exactly what you mean by the paradox though. One part of me says that I don't know if I'm right, but a part of me *knows* that I'm right. Of course, I could be wrong, or...Yeah. That train of thought goes on for miles :P

All in all, I just hope I'm right, and regardless of whether I am or not, I still strive to be a better person.

+3 votes     reply to comment
Garyn Dakari
Garyn Dakari Jul 17 2011, 10:08pm says:

Aaaaand....I think I've talked enough for now :P

+3 votes     reply to comment
Admiral_Skeybar
Admiral_Skeybar Jul 18 2011, 7:12am says:

Fascinating blog Q, and you to GarynDakari ;-)

I'm one of those people who are to busy to read books, and yet I read on.

I never really used to bother much with cellphones either, I never had anyone to talk to anyway. I do love my new little Android though, it's like a little minicomputer.
Facebook is something I have because I didn't know what it was, now that I do, I never use it anymore. Only sometimes for uploading images. I believe that even though some people are really happy because of it, it does feed on our primal instincts to socialize and some people have become addicted to some of the simplest things in life, something I thought was already being overdone before Facebook...

I on the other hand am not sick of the digitalized world, in fact, I wouldn't mind living in a computer if I could, lol.

You really don't know what to do with your money? I'm not very fond of the idea of money either, I think it makes people greedy and selfish and yet I never seem to run out of things I have to spend money on. High taxes and lifes necessities seem to take care of that...

I love the way you think, it's very similar to my way of thinking... ..I think. =)
Yet maybe you should try to become an artist instead of a holy man, you see, selflessness and being an artist don't really work together for some reason. I myself find myself looking only to me when I work on my art. Art has to come from the soul and your soul is unique. Therefore I don't believe in inspiration either, I've never really tried it as such but it can probably go a bit to far and you start unconsciously copying other artist. Maybe... I dunno, I just think about me when I create art, selfish little me =)

I'm going to stop now as well, interesting blog Q and I'll be looking forward to more.

+3 votes     reply to comment
jjawinte
jjawinte Jul 19 2011, 5:23pm says:

This is why I'm so fond of you and your work Q - you are of an individual mind. May you continue to grow ever more-so.

+2 votes     reply to comment
Post a Comment
click to sign in

You are not logged in, your comment will be anonymous unless you join the community today (totally free - or sign in with your social account on the right) which we encourage all contributors to do.

2000 characters limit; HTML formatting and smileys are not supported - text only

Level
52%
Indie
35
Avatar
Avatar
Offline Since
Dec 28, 2014
Country
Germany Germany
Gender
Male
Member Watch
Track this member
Blog
Browse
Blogs
Report Abuse
Report article