Dear diary,... blog - iqew

This entry is dedicated to all people who are interested in personal development, finding one's inner balance, religious beliefs, spiritual growth or psychology. My previous blogs usually talked about superficial daily-life stuff and the development of Mindworld. The following, however, talks about deeper things that requires you to think about it. If you're just looking for some quick entertainment and distraction, you probably should not read on, because it may leave you like a book with an open ending (or movie, if you're one of those people who are too cool or busy to read books).

A few years back, when I consciously started dealing with personal development (as in getting to know myself and who I really am), I wanted to start a diary. So, one day I got out a few pieces of paper and a pen. That's pretty much the furthest I got at writing a diary entry, because I didn't know how to start. It felt really girlish to even start a letter-like text with "Dear diary..." and I figured it would be quite embarrassing, if anyone found those texts.

Today, I start the blog entry with those exact same words and even publish them on the internet so everyone can read them, because I don't see any shame in it at all. It looks like I've made quite a big amount of progress here. Ever since I was little, I wanted to become a wise old man people look up to and travel to, to get advice. It's actually the furthest I can think back to, it was my first real wish of what I wanted from life and I vividly envisioned it some nights, when I was about to fall asleep. Asian temples and monks who live without any belongings, but their social life and beliefs always had a huge impact on me and still have.

There was a point in my life where I was thinking about throwing my money away. I think I was around 14 or 15 and I didn't feel any connection to money. Questions like "What do to with it?" arised, because I didn't want to buy anything and wasn't looking forward to something expensive either. It started quite early that I only got money at my birthday, because I didn't know what else people could give me as a gift. Many people probably know that and everyone says that it's a good present because then you can decide yourself what to buy and everyone is happy. Bollocks, it's just another sign of how far away people live together with each other these days emotionally.

I'm getting sick of this digitalized world more and more every day. I never understood why all people have cell phones, well, I do understand it, but I'm just fascinated with how people react when I tell them that I don't have one. A friend of mine gave me his old one, but right at this moment I don't even have the slightest clue where it is. It's pretty much the same reaction when I tell people that I'm not using any social networks like facebook and so on. Now, the best effect is when I tell them both things in a short amount of time like in one sentence, for example.

In theory, the road to happiness is a simple way to go. The things you need are around you and don't even cost a single penny. Everyone knows what I'm talking about and happiness is the default state everyone has inside them. The bad news is that since we were little most of us got prepared for the society we are currently living in. We are told to put on happy faces when getting photographed or told to be quiet when Mom or Dad are working at home, if they're even around (we don't even have to talk about divorce here, do we?). We get alienated from happiness since the start and then wonder why so many people suffer from depression, burn out syndrome or why killing sprees happen.

I'm not angry about it, in fact, I don't have a strong negative emotinal respond to that at all. I don't like the society we have created, but I understand why we created it. I have reached a state of total acceptance and tolerance. A few hours earlier, I got out to the terrace and just had this strong feeling of balance and peace within myself. It's definitely a great feeling and I noticed how I can drain a lot of self confidence and self-esteem from it.

Definitely a very interesting point of my life that I'm currently experiencing, I'm enjoying it. The thoughts I had that motivated me to write this blog were a little bit different from what I've been writing about the past hour. I have a very strong belief in the concept of happiness, but I asked myself, whether I shouldn't be more open minded.

It's a paradox: If I believe that being open minded is the only way to go, am I right or wrong?

Sometimes, I get caught in my own analysis. I really like to talk about how one can develope their own personality and I love to help out. But, often I'm very sure about a certain pattern I see in one's behaviour, but that one says I am wrong, while I believe that the one I'm talking with just does not see it yet. When something like that happens I usually say that I may be wrong and everyone has to find their own way, but I'm pretty sure about what I said. And then I start thinking about why I even try to help. Do I help because it's a great feeling to help? And am I now helping just to achieve that feeling in myself or do I help for the sake of helping? Am I just looking for admiration of my skills or am I doing it because I want to do it? Does it even matter why I am doing it at all?

It can get quite confusing and challenging sometimes to live in a world of non-judgement. But, after all, it's a great world to live in and I'm enjoying my stay a lot and that definitely means something.

If you have read this far, thank you and if you haven't, thank you too.

cheers.