Your eyes slowly adjust to the gloom but immediately start to sting. Dust and plaster has fallen down from the ceiling, and you taste it in your dry mouth. Slowly the ceiling lights flicker on as the emergency generator starts up, and people begin to pick themselves up... ...Its August 9th. You've just survived the biggest killer of man in history. In 30 minutes, 3.6 billion people have died across the globe. Unknown to you, the population of the UK has quartered, and will continue to drop. You think briefly of your family before being dragged onto your feet by your platoon sergeant... "Come on son, there's work to be done!" Comes the gruff voice from the dark... but not yet... for now we wait... in the dark...

Report article RSS Feed Guide to surviving a nuclear attack

My guide to surviving a nuclear attack on your beloved country!

Posted by Hendrix on Aug 24th, 2009
Article

So my droogs, lets assume that the button
has been pushed and a bright flash followed by roaring thunder has
rendered you to live in a hole for the past three weeks like some kind
of cave dwelling rat. Lets also assume that there is still enough of a
centralised communication system to sound an all clear.

Emergence
So you emerge from your hole, be it shelter, basement, cellar or simply
a few doors placed at an angle against the inner wall of your ones
beautiful family home. 'What kind of world am i waking up to my
brother?' i hear you ask. Well lets not beat around the proverbial bush
about this... things are gonna be fucked... proper fucked. Lets start
with the obvious things. The Infratsructure of what was once your nice
suburban street, complete with Ford Escort On the driveway, and quant
little trees, and a nice traditional red post box on the corner is
going to be pretty different from when you last saw it.

What has happened?
Assuming again that your lucky (or indeed unlucky) enough to be 8 miles
from a 4 megatonne blast (thats 8m tonnes of Explosives.... not for the
faint hearted). Now my droogs, your humble narrator will not bore you
with the scientific nonsense of Uranium bullets firing down pipes into
other crap, we'll cut to the chase, and the question on your
mind...'what the fuck is this thing actually going to do to me?' Most
Nuclear weapons are delivered via missile. There are two ways that our
ghastly enemies can use these missiles on us (Strategically my friends,
im talking of taking out cities rather than taking out army formations
etc) and each one has its pro's and con's. We'll start with the ground
burst. This, quite simply, is when the weapon hits the floor before
detonating its payload. This minimised the effect of the blast of the
weapon. Unfortunatly the major by product of this is Fallout (no my
droogs, hundreds of copies of a certain RPG do not suddenly spawn in
the wake of a huge mushroom cloud) Fallout is dust/dirt/soil/shit that
is sucked up during the negative shockwave, and sent through the core
of the explosion, exposing it to high levels of radioactivity. It is
then carried hundeds of miles with the wind, and deposited over Farmer
Griff sitting on his tractor, 80 miles from ground zero, bleakly
wondering why his 'farmers wives' hasnt been delivered for the past few
weeks. Now air-burst, as you can imagine, is when the warhead is set to
detonate above the ground, anything from a few feet, to a few hundred
feet, and greatly increases the damage caused by the positive and
negative blast waves, but due to the higher proximity to the solid
ground, creates much less fallout.

The Blast Itself
Lets look at the airburst a little closer shall we... In the 1985
Scenario, A Soviet SS20 missile detonated its 2 2.6 megatonne wareheads
simoultaneously, 500m directly over Battersea Power station in London.
The initial flash would of burnt the pain off of buildings, and given
partial and full thickness burns to people standing up to 6-8 miles
away. Newspapers in the gutters would of caught fire. Sails on boats
would of melted, and people with light clothing (such as shell suits
and nylon tops) would of flt them begin to melt into their skin. A
second or So later the explosion would begin to move outwards. This is
know as the positive blast, and would involve winds moving up to 3-400
miles an hour. With winds of these speeds, vehicles would be picked up
and thrown like toys, older buildings would be flattened, people would
be picked up and thrown like petals in the wind. Unfortunately, this
would then cause an immense vaccum, that would urgently need filling,
so the winds would rush back, this time towards the blast in what is
known as the negative blast. Luckily the two blast waves should put out
a majority of fires caused by the flash, but do not think for one
second my good droogs that this means there will be no fires. Now all
in all, that is all we need consider from the blast at this point. More
will be explained as we progress.

So What does my Street look like now?

Well for a start, the small Georgian houses built at the turn of the
last century are relatively sturdy. Had you been closer they could
almost certainly have been wiped aside like Barry Scott wiping away
some horrible mess with a cloth soaked in Cillit bang. However we're
lucky, the roof has gone bye-bye, and you now have no windows. The
blast has knocked down all telephone and power lines, so your now off
the national grid, and there no way BT are gonna make a house call
after this. Its safe to say, that by all practical means, you are on
your own.  

Holy Dog shit, what now?

The first thing your going to want to do is probably contact some other
poor wanker who has just been through the same shit. Probably not a
wise idea. The first thing you need to know about the human mind, is
the speed in which is regressed back to an animal state. The average
joe bloggs has evidently, very recently seen a large proportion of his
brood and friends wiped out, and all his earthly possesions burnt to a
crisp. Chances are - he aint gonna be in a talkative mood. On top of
that, a lot of people (yourself included) are probably suffering from
severe shock. The major problem with this is that the initial symptoms
of shock, and the initial symptoms of radiation sickness are the same,
so one of two things is going to happen. 1) your going to end up dieing
from shock (wrongly believing you have radiation sickess) 2) Your gonna
die of radiation sickness! - Ha! not if we can help it, lets get
started so we can hurry up for the repopulation phase thats sure to
come up if we're lucky!

1) Get some shelter/cover from fallout. The initial dosage of
radiation from the flash and blast will already be killing you if you
didint seek cover from it, but we cant be worrying about that. People
seem to think fallout lasts for thousands of years and will kill you no
matter what, this is untrue. By simply putting on a couple of
overcoats, a few pairs of trousers, and a pair of gloves, you can
almost tripple your chances of survival. Wear a mask if possible, and
ensure that, when you go back into your house or shelter, that you take
them off and leave them outside.

2) Find some grub. You should really of stocked up on scoff and
water before. IF you havent, then my suggestion is to find a weapon,
and go and steal your neighbours (hey what do i care, im hoping i died
in the blast). Water is very difficult to obtain. The government is
advising you to keep your bath tub filled with water and covered, will
this is a good start, but its going to  go off unless we don something
about it. Try and get some chlorine tablets. You can get these from any
army surplus store, and a chemist should be able to help you out with a
civilian equivalent. Expectedly, the best food for this kind of
situation is tinned. Anything tinned is a good idea, but remember to
ration it out. Its no good eating like barry white on day one, if your
gonna have to eat like lindsey lohan on day 12.

3) Work out what the hells going on. Try and find a radio, and some
double A batteries. Take them out of the wifes dildo if necessary (but
dont remove them from the tv remote - heavens above people, just cos
we've been nuked doesnt mean we must behave like savages). If this
fails, then venture out, if you can. Dont go to far from your humble
abode as there is always a risk of some nasty toe-rag getting in and
doing the dirty to your wife and daughter. Remember, protect your
family unit, they are now the most important thing to you (especially
if you run out of food and need a quick source of meat - kidding!)
4) Protect and survive. Or as we like to call it in the British
Army, Survive and Fight. You've already done all the surviving possible
up to this point, so now its time to start thinking of protecting the
family, and yourself. Barricade your home. Dont scare the wife and
kids, but ensure them that you will look after them. Keep easy exits
available incase it becomes necessary to evacuate the abode quickly,
and above all, tell them you love them frequently, as you never know
what is round the corner.

5) What for the emergency government to make an announcment. Chances
are, central government is now a blackened smoking hole (slightly more
effective than it has been for years) They will eventually be there to
pick up the pieces and re-take power. And if they dont, what the hell!
sieze power!

Next week, we'll discuss seizing power, the bolshevik way!


Post comment Comments
RocKRebel
RocKRebel Aug 24 2009, 12:46pm says:

Wow

+1 vote     reply to comment
Squiggers
Squiggers Aug 24 2009, 1:09pm says:

Nice work mate.

Thankfully, you didn't include some of the shite that the government came out with in the 60's and 70's. Laughable stuff.

+1 vote     reply to comment
Hendrix
Hendrix Aug 24 2009, 2:09pm replied:

nah, wouldnt be adding any of that shite.

+1 vote     reply to comment
daddyrabbittts
daddyrabbittts Aug 24 2009, 1:19pm says:

LOL nice tips ^^

+1 vote     reply to comment
danw13335
danw13335 Aug 24 2009, 2:17pm says:

Might have been funny, but was ruined by the extremely frequent spelling and grammatical errors.

I know that makes me sound like an ***, but the fact is that it's hard for me to enjoy something like this when it seems like the writer was in a speed-typing contest.

+1 vote     reply to comment
Hendrix
Hendrix Aug 24 2009, 3:11pm says:

i noticed this afterwards. Compiuled it in work between jobs, so your right, its not intended to be entirely funny, but i'll edit the grammer and spelling errors tomorrow.

+1 vote     reply to comment
SinKing
SinKing Aug 25 2009, 7:34am says:

Aren't you suppose to get underneath the table and hold your breath for as long as you can, when nukes hit your town? ;)

I'll give you a cool setting gratuítement: What about if all the nukes went off, except the one that hit your town didn't? That would make the whole country a hazard (except your spot) and people would fight about your little unpolluted town and pollute and invade it, until there is nothing left of it, too.

+1 vote     reply to comment
Hendrix
Hendrix Aug 25 2009, 4:07pm says:

have you been peeking at parts of the 1985 story?

+1 vote     reply to comment
SinKing
SinKing Aug 26 2009, 1:27pm says:

No, I haven't indeed. Why, old chap, did I hit a spot there? Do you have to hide under the table in your mod...or this other thing about the nuke, perhaps ;)

+1 vote     reply to comment
Hendrix
Hendrix Aug 27 2009, 6:06pm says:

that would be telling sir! :-p

+1 vote     reply to comment
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