QuantumDelpha
Jecht joined
Hello! This is Quantum Delpha, if you're wondering why i have little to no games, well, the reason is that i mostly use Steam! And honestly im not even sure if you can check what games i have, but anyway, if you want to contact me, and im not online (I rarely am) then add me on Steam as jechet10, should then 'redirect' you to me, QuantumDelpha.
My Blogs
As you may have noticed, sometimes i reference things that i havnt actuly said/done yet, for example, i might say: "*stuff*, Like what i said in my other post." The reason for this is because everything here is a Copy+paste of my main blog, and i'm mostly just Copy+pasting the best bits.
P.S. If you cant see the pictures on my '3-D is the Future of 'etc' post then try loading this page in a browser (Right click anywhere and hit View page in Browser.) I dont know what's causing this, and it only happens sometimes, but if your reading this though the Desura Client and the pics are just showing as white with black bordered squares, then that's why.
Actually, 3-D has been the future of movies for almost a century, but
the supposed golden age of 3-D didn’t begin until the 50′s. As it turns
out, focus groups are nothing new, and the very first 3-D reels were
shown to a test audience at the Astor Theater in New York City in 1915.
The test audience clearly find these shorts to be retarded and wanted
nothing to do with them. Those responsible for the test screening gave
up on 3-D completely, and while there were others attempting to make the
process work, no one really cared. THAT, however,was all about to
change…in 38 years.
Welcome to the golden age of 3-D cinema: 1953. Here we see Vincent Price in the first 3-D release from a major studio: House of Wax,
from Warner Bros. This movie had a lot of things going for it: It was a
horror movie, which were all the rage, it starred Vincent Price (And is
responsible for typecasting him), it was the first movie released with
stereophonic sound, and, most importantly, it was full of ridiculous 3-D
gimmicks like ping pong games as pictured above. You see, even in 1953
producers realized that total immersion into the movie experience isn’t
what the viewing audience wants. What’s the point of making incredible
technological advancements in cinema if they can’t be exploited at every
turn to actively pull the audience out of the scene by needlessly
throwing random shit at their face? As House of Wax director
André De Toth famously said, “Who put this fourth wall there? I didn’t
pay for this wall! Not my wall, not my problem.”
In 1954, Universal Studios released their second 3-D movie, and what
would become the most famous and successful 3-D movie of the generation:
The Creature From the Black Lagoon. This was the only 3-D movie to
actually spawn a sequel, also in 3-D. And even that movie spawned a
sequel! That one wasn’t in 3-D though. Much like James Cameron thinks
today, movie makers of the 1950′s thought that 3-D was the future of
movies. They would live to see the day when all movies were in 3-D, it
would rain chocolate, and Hitler would rise again. Alright, maybe Walt
Disney was the only movie maker hoping for that last part, but whatever.
There was just one little problem with this theory, however. While the
3-D in these movies was actually very good, the projection process was a
little complicated. It required two reels running simultaneously, and
if the minimum wage projectionists were unable or indifferent to make
sure they were perfectly synced, then the audience would experience
headaches and eye strain. Basically, 3-D movies were like the 1950′s
version of the Virtual Boy: “It seemed like a good idea! And that’s when
the seizures started…”
After a four year glut of 3-D movies, the craze was finally laid to rest
for all eternity. Until the 80′s. Sure, there WERE 3-D movies in
between, but no one noticed or cared. I mean, there were 3-D movies in
1922, and that timeline perfectly fits my thesis, but no one gave a shit
about those movies so they’re not worth mentioning. Anyway, the 1980′s
brought us a bunch of awful 3-D movies, mostly horror. The highlights of
this time period include Amityville 3-D, Friday the 13th III, The Man
Who Wasn’t There, and Captain EO. That’s right, these are the
highlights. I don’t dare list the really bad movies from that era for
fear that you’ll do independent research and willfully subject yourself
to that shit. Again, though, filmmakers were convinced that 3-D was the
future and that all movies would soon be in 3-D. As much as I want to
say how stupid a notion that is, I’ll let Marty do the honours:
So here we are again. As has happened every 30 years for the past 90
years, though only relevantly so for the last 60 years, 3-D has once
again become the future of movies. There’s always a 3-D movie here and
there, but 2010 saw a surge in them, and 2011 promises to have dozens of
3-D movies. Having just seen Resident Evil, I have to say that it’s not
going to happen. The technology for 3-D movies has come a LONG way
since the first patent was filed for 3-D projection in the late 1890′s,
however simple minded directors have not. I just saw Resident Evil last
weekend and much of the 3-D looked really nice, but they still insist on
throwing crap at the screen . Maybe once directors learn how to
incorporate 3-D into movies so that it strictly adds to the experience,
not detracts, then there’ll be a chance for it to become the industry
standard.
Or maybe Nintendo just have to figure out how to get their 3DS
technology to work on a large screen so we don’t have to wear those
ridiculous 3-D glasses. More likely, however, I’ll see you all again in
2040.
"I never once washed my hands! That's your policy, not mine!" - Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson
The year was nineteen dickity-two. We had to say dickity because the
Kaiser had stolen our word for twenty. I chased him to get it back, but
gave up after dickity-six miles...
No wait, this is a real story, and it took place earlier this year.
There's a mall in this area with both a movie theater, and a really nice
Italian restaurant. We'll call this restaurant "Vinny T's", so it can
retain its anonymity. I had just had a great dinner there, and wanted to
take a leak before driving home. I know that SOMEWHERE in the mall is a
bathroom that is unaffiliated with any of its many stores, but fucked
if anyone knows where that is, so I just went to use the bathroom in the
movie theater. Hopefully I don't need to explain basic life functions
to any of you, so we'll skip to the part where I go wash my hands.
Admittedly, I had a couple drinks at dinner which might explain why I
did this, but while waiting for one of those goddamn hot air blowing
hand dryer thingies to dry my hands, I counted how many sinks there
were. There were very literally two dozen sinks in this bathroom, so
there was no real danger of it being too crowded for simple hygiene. So
I'm there drying my hands, and I make a few observations:
1. As I said, there are 24 sinks
2. There is a steady flow of people in and out of the bathroom
3. Only one other person besides myself is washing his hands
4. Half the guys in the restroom stopped, not to wash their hands, but to check their hair in the mirror
5. Half of THOSE guys were wearing hats
It's the sort of shit I'm not creative enough to make up on my own.
Now movies are a big date destination, so I can understand this
behavior. If a guy spends too long in the bathroom and his date has to
wait for him, clearly she's going to start to worry that he's sodomizing
another guy. With time being of the essence, these men have to choose
between fixing their hair and washing their hands. Now you're probably
thinking that messed up hair would be a lot less of a turn off than the
possible stench of urine on one's hands, but if she's going to be
worrying about the aforementioned sodomy, no guy can risk walking out of
the restroom with his hair looking like he was just tossed around a
bathroom stall like a rag doll. Besides, all the stereotypical movie
foods like popcorn, nachos, and candy may be things you eat with your
hands, but urine is sterile. Gross, but sterile.
So remember, next time you're in a public restroom be sure to wash your hands, because someone's probably watching you.
I mean an actual person, not like...God is watching you
Although he probably is too, but people were filthy back when Jesus was alive, so he's probably cool with it
Then again they do say cleanliness is next to Godliness...
Thanks to the magic of digital cable, I can flip through a guide and
see what’s on like 300 channels in the span of about 15 seconds. It’s a
vast improvement over TV Guide or that God damn, slow scrolling preview
channel from when I was a kid. What I have learned from being able to
always know what’s on every channel is that “Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory” is on a lot. Like every day. And not that piece of
shit “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” with Johnny Depp, the real
movie with Gene Wilder. One of the many, many times I saw Willy Wonka on
the guide I decided to flip it on. The real beauty behind this movie
being on TV so much is that it would NEVER get made these days. You’re
probably wondering why. Is it because of Gene Wilder’s Tourette’s-like
rant about fizzy lifting drink? The implied child murder? Nah, that
stuff is all fine. The problem is that 1971 was a brutal, savage time
before adults realized they could blame anything
and everything on society. Here is an excerpt from the song the
Oompa Loompa’s sing after Veruca Salt falls down the garbage chute:
vast improvement over TV Guide or that God damn, slow scrolling preview
channel from when I was a kid. What I have learned from being able to
always know what’s on every channel is that “Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory” is on a lot. Like every day. And not that piece of
shit “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” with Johnny Depp, the real
movie with Gene Wilder. One of the many, many times I saw Willy Wonka on
the guide I decided to flip it on. The real beauty behind this movie
being on TV so much is that it would NEVER get made these days. You’re
probably wondering why. Is it because of Gene Wilder’s Tourette’s-like
rant about fizzy lifting drink? The implied child murder? Nah, that
stuff is all fine. The problem is that 1971 was a brutal, savage time
before adults realized they could blame anything
and everything on society. Here is an excerpt from the song the
Oompa Loompa’s sing after Veruca Salt falls down the garbage chute:
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who’s to blame:
The mother and the father!
What the fuck? Those faggoty little midgets just blew my fucking
mind. It’s the parents’ fault that their kid is an obnoxious little
shit? How is it possible that this concept was so simple and accepted
that it could show up in a kids movie in 1971, but now, almost 40 years
later, it’s unheard of to even breath something to this effect. These
days, a child’s bad behavior is the school systems fault, or society’s
fault, or the kid’s friends’ fault. Everyone gets blamed except for the
parents these days, and it’s fucking ludicrous. That song verse is so
concise, simple, and most importantly, accurate. It’s not even like
giving a child discipline is hard! They’re small and weak, so it won’t
take much effort to kick your kid’s ass, and they can’t fight back! I’m
trying to think of something funny to say so leave you all with, but
this sort of spineless bullshit is becoming omnipresent in America, and
this lack of personal responsibility is going to destroy the country;
it’s too infuriating to be funny.
If I ever run for office, this will be my campaign song.
The universe is a simple place. Sure, there are lots of moving parts,
it looks really complicated, and there’s a lot about it that we don’t
understand, but at it’s very core, the universe is governed by
simplicity. Take gravity, for example. The law of universal gravitation
is not only a pretty simple formula, it is indeed universal. The gravity
exerted on Earth by our Sun uses the same formula as the gravity
exerted on Uranus by my cat. Even with all the other factors that seem
like they could be important, like the fact that my dick is attached to
me and I’m stuck on Earth orbiting the sun at a different speed than
Uranus orbits our sun, it really is that simple. Likewise, the lifecycle
of every living thing on this planet is the same: you’re born, you
reproduce, you die. Yeah, all sorts of other shit happens too, but it’s
not overly important for this.
The problem with this is that humans are arrogant cunts who like to play
God. We’re doing our damnedest to remove the “you die” part from the
equation. The thing is, that’s not actually playing God. When you pay
doctor, you pretend you’re doing things a real doctor does. That or
you’re going to third base with your hot cousin. Extended life
indefinitely isn’t what He intended, and what people are actually trying
to do with this behaviour is actually BE God. I think we can all agree,
whether you believe in God or not, that mankind is not and never will
be God. Playing God is one thing, but anytime man actually tries to be
God and alter the natural order of the universe, it always in things
being fucked up beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part
about sheep, I promise.
First, though, let’s talk about fire. Fire is a beautiful thing. I don’t
mean that in some spiritual or philosophical way, I just mean fire is
nice to look at. For liability purposes, I would like to point out that
pyromania and arson are completely different and unrelated things.
Anyway, fire is an important part of nature, and a necessary part. In
fact, forest fires are so important that many trees can’t ever reproduce
without it. Sure they die in the process, but whatever, they were gonna
get diseased and die eventually anyway. If trees require fire to
release their seeds, then clearly it was intended to be a fairly regular
(regular being relative here) part of a forest’s life. Of course, man
has gone and developed areas where trees used to be, so there’s a risk
of these wildfires eating our houses and us. What did we do to solve
this problem? There was only one logical solution: controlled burns.
People would carefully plan so that they could intentionally burn large
sections of forest to prevent shit from building up and resulting in
worse fires, as well as helping the forest. Describing all the reasons
fire is important would take longer than it’s worth here, but if you
think I’m full of shit go to Wikipedia or anywhere else and look up
controlled burns so you can see. Anyway, many places eventually outlawed
controlled burns for a variety of reasons, most of them well
intentioned, at least if you’re human. So now you have a forest that no
longer has controlled burns. Leaves and branches and other shit builds
up. Then there’s a few years of below average rainfall. Then lightning
strikes as over 1.5 million acres of California’s landscape are burned
to the ground as Martin Lawrence looks at the torched Hollywood sign,
takes off his sunglasses, and declares that shit just got real.
Remember how I said that the universe is simple? Well humans are now the
overgrown forest, and homeless people are the leaves and branches on
the ground. If you find that offensive, then fuck you, now you’re a leaf
too; should’ve kept your mouth shut. We’re the forest and those fires
that we’re supposed to experience? Those are called plague. The natural
order of things is for the occasional plague to sweep through, kill a
bunch of people, and let me steal their flatscreen before some relative
who never visited comes to take it. But thanks to advances in modern
medicine, we don’t really get plagues, so instead we have become
overgrown. Let’s face it, the world is overpopulated. It’s pretty
impossible to debate that point, and the population keeps rising,
especially since people refuse to let anyone die. I mean come on! Every
fucking kid who’s seen The Lion King knows that death is part of the
circle of the life. Every time there’s a disease which is supposed to be
an epidemic, we snuff it out immediately. In my lifetime alone, there
was swine flu, bird flu, AIDS, and I think a couple others that were
supposed to be a day of reckoning for mankind, but we allayed them all.
At this point, the world is so overgrown that as soon as a plague comes
through that we actually can’t stop right away, we’re fucked. I’m not
talking badass Mad Max fucked where life would be really fun, either.
I’m talking Twelve Monkees fucked. The kinda fucked where the few
remaining survivors live underground and are all either prisoners or
scientists, and where Brad Pitt’s completely fucking insane.
I don’t really have a solution to this problem, of course. I mean, we
could just kill a bunch of people, that’s a pretty good solution, but no
one has the balls for that so it would never happen. It’s only a matter
of before some super virus wipes us all out, and my money’s on Ovine
Flu. Why? Because sheep flu victims would be impossible to round up.
When authorities came to round up the infected, they would attempt to
take a count of them and promptly fall asleep.
Yeah, that’s the joke I’m leaving you with. Deal with it.
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