The universe is a simple place. Sure, there are lots of moving parts,
it looks really complicated, and there’s a lot about it that we don’t
understand, but at it’s very core, the universe is governed by
simplicity. Take gravity, for example. The law of universal gravitation
is not only a pretty simple formula, it is indeed universal. The gravity
exerted on Earth by our Sun uses the same formula as the gravity
exerted on Uranus by my cat. Even with all the other factors that seem
like they could be important, like the fact that my dick is attached to
me and I’m stuck on Earth orbiting the sun at a different speed than
Uranus orbits our sun, it really is that simple. Likewise, the lifecycle
of every living thing on this planet is the same: you’re born, you
reproduce, you die. Yeah, all sorts of other shit happens too, but it’s
not overly important for this.
The problem with this is that humans are arrogant cunts who like to play
God. We’re doing our damnedest to remove the “you die” part from the
equation. The thing is, that’s not actually playing God. When you pay
doctor, you pretend you’re doing things a real doctor does. That or
you’re going to third base with your hot cousin. Extended life
indefinitely isn’t what He intended, and what people are actually trying
to do with this behaviour is actually BE God. I think we can all agree,
whether you believe in God or not, that mankind is not and never will
be God. Playing God is one thing, but anytime man actually tries to be
God and alter the natural order of the universe, it always in things
being fucked up beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part
about sheep, I promise.
First, though, let’s talk about fire. Fire is a beautiful thing. I don’t
mean that in some spiritual or philosophical way, I just mean fire is
nice to look at. For liability purposes, I would like to point out that
pyromania and arson are completely different and unrelated things.
Anyway, fire is an important part of nature, and a necessary part. In
fact, forest fires are so important that many trees can’t ever reproduce
without it. Sure they die in the process, but whatever, they were gonna
get diseased and die eventually anyway. If trees require fire to
release their seeds, then clearly it was intended to be a fairly regular
(regular being relative here) part of a forest’s life. Of course, man
has gone and developed areas where trees used to be, so there’s a risk
of these wildfires eating our houses and us. What did we do to solve
this problem? There was only one logical solution: controlled burns.
People would carefully plan so that they could intentionally burn large
sections of forest to prevent shit from building up and resulting in
worse fires, as well as helping the forest. Describing all the reasons
fire is important would take longer than it’s worth here, but if you
think I’m full of shit go to Wikipedia or anywhere else and look up
controlled burns so you can see. Anyway, many places eventually outlawed
controlled burns for a variety of reasons, most of them well
intentioned, at least if you’re human. So now you have a forest that no
longer has controlled burns. Leaves and branches and other shit builds
up. Then there’s a few years of below average rainfall. Then lightning
strikes as over 1.5 million acres of California’s landscape are burned
to the ground as Martin Lawrence looks at the torched Hollywood sign,
takes off his sunglasses, and declares that shit just got real.
Remember how I said that the universe is simple? Well humans are now the
overgrown forest, and homeless people are the leaves and branches on
the ground. If you find that offensive, then fuck you, now you’re a leaf
too; should’ve kept your mouth shut. We’re the forest and those fires
that we’re supposed to experience? Those are called plague. The natural
order of things is for the occasional plague to sweep through, kill a
bunch of people, and let me steal their flatscreen before some relative
who never visited comes to take it. But thanks to advances in modern
medicine, we don’t really get plagues, so instead we have become
overgrown. Let’s face it, the world is overpopulated. It’s pretty
impossible to debate that point, and the population keeps rising,
especially since people refuse to let anyone die. I mean come on! Every
fucking kid who’s seen The Lion King knows that death is part of the
circle of the life. Every time there’s a disease which is supposed to be
an epidemic, we snuff it out immediately. In my lifetime alone, there
was swine flu, bird flu, AIDS, and I think a couple others that were
supposed to be a day of reckoning for mankind, but we allayed them all.
At this point, the world is so overgrown that as soon as a plague comes
through that we actually can’t stop right away, we’re fucked. I’m not
talking badass Mad Max fucked where life would be really fun, either.
I’m talking Twelve Monkees fucked. The kinda fucked where the few
remaining survivors live underground and are all either prisoners or
scientists, and where Brad Pitt’s completely fucking insane.
I don’t really have a solution to this problem, of course. I mean, we
could just kill a bunch of people, that’s a pretty good solution, but no
one has the balls for that so it would never happen. It’s only a matter
of before some super virus wipes us all out, and my money’s on Ovine
Flu. Why? Because sheep flu victims would be impossible to round up.
When authorities came to round up the infected, they would attempt to
take a count of them and promptly fall asleep.
Yeah, that’s the joke I’m leaving you with. Deal with it.
