I'm an Anglo-Australian living in Brisbane, Australia. I enjoy Mountain Biking, Parkour, Gaming and, of course, Modding. My skill-set consists of Modelling (in Max), UVing and Skinning - soon to extend to Animation... I hope. Games I've modded include CoH, BF2, DoW and sorta HL2. Favourite games (ever): World in Conflict, Company of Heroes, Marathon/Marathon Infinity (Hell Yeah), Call of Duty 2, Diablo II and the entire Fallout series. Favourite Mods: Natural Selection, The Specialists and Killing Floor.

Blog RSS Feed Report abuse The Nintendo DS.

1 comment by Kageh on Jul 23rd, 2008

Before you continue, be warned that you are about to read an obscenely opinionated and bias article set to anger the vast majority of readers.

Lets get to it then!

If I were completely and utterly devoid of any gaming knowledge, and for whatever reason I decided to go and buy a portable gaming console, after looking through the selection of games available today, I would assume that one who owned a Nintendo DS would:

a) Have a voice so high and squeaky, most people wouldn't even be able to hear it.
b) Also possess a Vagina.
c) Frequent the NAMBLA website.

I mean really... Nintendogs? Bratz? What fabulous titles are still yet to come out for my Nintendo DS!? What's this! I can write my shopping list of skin and hair care products on it as well! Oh! My! Gosh! I thimply must tell everybody!

"Why! Kage!" You say "I have a Nintendo DS and I eat bowls of rusty nails with Cobra venom for breakfast!" 
No.
"But I only play the manly games available like CoD4 and Assassin's Creed!"
No. You Don't. You have a copy of Pokemon for your DS and you play it more than anything else. There's also this adorable pink dress hanging up next to you in the closet.

No, if you wanted a manly portable gaming console with manly games, you would have a PSP. I rip through hordes of hell-spawned daemons and monsters with my Blades of Chaos as Kratos in God of War. This is before switching UMDs and beating up random civilians leading to a police chase and my eventual death in hale of flames and flying car debris in Grand Theft Auto. When I finally get bored of slaughtering innocent people and policemen, I listen to my collection of Disturbed, Powerman 5000, Rob Zombie and Slipknot. Then watch 300. Twice.

But it's ok, you can just sit over there and play Cake Mania 2: Jill's Next Adventure! Really it's okay. I understand.

Now, the other day in the CDB I saw an Asian guy with purple hair, pierced ears, some ridiculous low collared T-shirt, tight fitting jeans and an unidentifiable drink with a smiling cat-thing on it, and he was playing a pink DS Lite. And that was okay. You know why it was ok? Because that is exactly what someone with a DS should look like.

I hope you DS players have finished bawling your eyes out and smudging all that makeup you spent so long applying. Now go get a PSP.

Kage out.

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