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Jan 9 2009
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First of all, no block writing! EVER!
Learn to make paragraphs and structure your writing. This is barely readable, so reformat, think about logical and natural pragraph endings and re-post this, so we can read it. I'm sorry to be harsh about it, but structure is far more important than style or content, when you are beginning to write. It's a writer's discipline, just like a painter needs to keep his colors clean, in order to keep them from washing out.
It's good to see a first post here and I appreciate it, but I won't comment on it until you reformat into something, which we can enjoy reading.
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well, yes is crap. I won't deny it. This piece of writing is not even worth being here. I'll upload an other, more coherent. Delete this one, please.
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I didn't say it's crap, not at all!
The thing I talked about is the format you present. Even though some books are published in "center justification print" they still have pragraphs to make them readable. You need to give your work some structure before posting it, maybe even leave a line free between blocks, at the beginning.
So far I didn't read it at all. I only advised you to take it and put in a few paragraphs to give the text a visual build-up. Would you like to read a novel, or story, which looks like only one long sentence - no!
So reformat and we'll read and comment on the content and not on the form.
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it's not even near that, it's just an introduction. and it is crap. But I will reformat it. And later on I'll write translate the first chapter of my book and paste it in here, to hear your comments out. Seriously, this introduction is not worth reading, not exactly my best work .
Introduction to the “Three Hells”
1619
of the second age. The clouds of war ramble in the horizon, as a red sun rose
in the east. A group of men, a company of about two thousand, an army, perhaps,
were walking in an absolute silence. As the light of dawn reached at them it
was not difficult to spot their weapons and armors which though rusty and old,
arms in the end. Just ahead of them it laid a quiet river, and on the other
side you could see the shape of a small, poor village waking up to face a new
day. The houses and buildings seemed to be bigger than the ones men needed, but
that was because men did no inhabited theme. Another specie was known to live
there, a specie that that army hated with the very foundations of their soul.
There it lived what they called the “winged demons”, a kind they feared they
had came to conquer their world and terminate human lives. These men were part
of inexpert Grainian army, a country just north from there and had come to face
their neighbors in battle. As the soon as the army was seen, alarms started to
sound all across the town as the militia gathered and armed themselves to face
this unexpected foe. This attack was totally unexpected; they have barely made
contact with their northern neighbors since they had settled in this new home
after their previous underwater one had become unsuitable for them since the
Green Sea had become acid in nature. They were not the kind of demons the
Grainians thought they were. They were an honorable and brave kind, the ones
known as the “one lung Dragons”. But nevertheless they were under siege.
Even
though they had had little time to prepare, the dragons defeated their enemies
on a savage fight, but that victory didn’t come without a cost. Now the two
nations were at war. But it didn’t stopped there, as far in the northeast acid
monsters were leaving their underwater homeland to attack the lava demons’
home, as well as they corrupted the ancestral home of the woods elves, the
Sernipal Forest, with dark magic and necromantic spells. But that was not the
only affected place, as the one known as the Traitor, a dark god named Trivec
who had descend to the mortal plane in exile was gathering forces to strike
once more the Red Earth with. He and his superstitious human vassals, led by
the Archangels, dark angels who were seduced by Trivec to join his side, had
penetrated human territory at the region of the Zueña Guinoa empire.
His
forces had begun to siege a fortified city, cutting off all their supply lines.
At that time the Zueñoguinean army was at the north, in war with nomad tribes. And
that left the east of their country completely vulnerable to an attack they
didn’t thought possible, but the siege did not last long. Baal Malak, the Baal of
the one lung dragon at that time had foreseen this and had sent aid. A whole
battalion of the elite of the dragon’s army, the Special Forces of Mararl were
already on their way to Zueña Guinoa when the attack was taking place, and it
didn’t took them long to reach the city on distress and come into their help.
They charged to the unprepared army with the rising sun of a new day on their
said and with such a ferocity and bravery that it seemed to the human army
following Trivec’s command that a whole army was attacking theme at once.
The
confusion and fear did most of the job, and by noon there it was not sight of
the invader army. The grateful Zueñogainean and their allies, the Neoguinean,
signed an ally treaty with the dragons, and formed, with the Lava Demons, the
Alliance of the Four, to stand against Trivec and his allies. This was the
beginning of the so called War of the Five Species, and by 1739, eighty years
late, it was still on its zenith. It was at that time when the Baal of the one
lung dragons, Baal Mularac, decided that that war had already caused too much
suffering, and decided to put an end to it, himself in person. He thereby
called all his best soldiers in, to make a group of twenty with which he would
get into Trive’s lair and force him to end the war, one way or another. And
thus, this is how all begins.
demo introduction (this piece of writing was not taken from the book itself) made by Sebastián Rodoni
---edited
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That is a large introduction, compressing a lof of information into very little space. Reminescent of the opening of Peter Jackson's version of"LOTRs", not only, because it is Fantasy, but also because it sounds similar in tone and the multitude of events called upon. However, I am missing the one thing everyone desires - where is the ring? - In your case the "ring" (goal) seems to be peace, which cannot be made between the different groups due to their hatred for each other.
It's a bit hard making out who the good guys are and who's bad, but it seems that Baal Mularac is one of the finer characters in the story. Baal however is another name for the devil and might not be the most fitting one for a saviour. It's pretty good, a bit much information and you could emphasize the fact that the "dragons" are the good guys in this. Show their suffering under the hand of greedy men and their allies. Let the dragons have something of value (their bloodstone, their skin, etc.) which the other enemies want to have.
It's an introducion, which prepares for an epic story and if you make a final, better, distinction between who's good and who's evil and what each of them want, you have a pretty solid piece of writing, already.
Edited by: SinKing
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well, as I said this was more like a paper for an english teacher than something to add to the book itself, as you said it's all too compressed, but the information you're seeking is actually explained in the first chapter of the book. Anyway, I'm not including that introduction, is unclear, redundant and crappy. And I don't even have it in spanish, but is un example of my method of writing.
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