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Assholetep the Insufferable
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Description
Assholetep the Insufferable, Ruler of the Dikh-Ehd Dynasty
An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child.
(Thought I'd contribute something to the portrait overload. :)
Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.
____
>Wake up
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light
>Teleport entire Tombworld's forces to fight massive Waaagh three sectors over
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks
>Help them
>At victory party
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week
_____
>It's his birthday
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot
>Entire population butchered
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats
_____
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais
_____
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet
>Weeks into the campaign
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name
>The Daemon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body
>Becomes most trusted advisor
>Years later
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated
_____
>Admech find Assholehotep in stasis
>Praise him and write legends about him
>Thousands of years later they forget
>He finds records when he wakes up
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo
_____
>hive world is under attack by nids
>he sees the world being demolished and decides to help
>after a month of hard combat the nids are all eradicated
>the citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return
>he asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city
>they comply
>he inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue
>the hive world is now a dead world.
_____
>Assholetep fights a Khornate daemonic incursion alongside the Space Marines Chapter, the Knights Sanguine
>During the fight, a member of an Assault Squad accidentally rips Assholetep's cloak with his Lightning claws
>The entire Knights Sanguine chapter and their Fortress Monastery are vapourised
>Every Blood Angels chapter receives a vid-capture of Assholetep in a new cloak made from the Purity Seals of the now-extinct chapter, with every mention of the Emperor crossed out and replaced with Assholetep's name
>The Imperium censors it and hides all evidence, saying the Knights Sanguine were "consumed by war"
_____
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him
>Entire human population besides the child is killed
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholehotep mooning him
>all hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes
>sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party
>she points out he doesn't have a *****
>thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
______
>Assholetep meets Angron sometime during the 30,000s
>Both end up severely ******* the other off
>Angron goes on to **** up Armageddon's **** and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship
>Angron returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him
>Angron is still unable to return from the warp.
_____
"Hey, Assholethep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow."
"Just trying something. Watch."
And so Assholethep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the Emperor's back, who had just finished Horus off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.
What an *******.
_____
>Assholehotep meets some Orkz.
>They make fun of his hat.
>All Orkz in the sector now have their ***** sewn onto their heads.
_____
>butchering Dark Eldar
>Dark Eldar youth throws shoe at his face.
>Flayed One, Flayed Ones everywhere!
_____
>angry marines and asholehotept's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most tau.
>it was a tie.
>they proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie.
>the whole sector was ******.
_____
>Blood Ravens are "gifted" wargear from Assholetep.
>They found out they couldn't use it.
>They return the Cryptech to him.
>One has a smudge.
>Necrons confirmed for DoWIII.
_____
>Wake up Assholetep.
>"I could ask you for immortality, but that sounds boring, wanna go pick up some bitches"
>thus reminding him he doesn't have a ***** anymore.
>your death would make Slaaneshi daemons wince.
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm cleaning my necroteslagaussflayergun he comes in and is all "heh, still not as big as mine" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an *******.
...
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm unfolding my Tesseract Labyrinth he comes in and is all "Funny how you can get into a toy, but not into a Necrontyr babe's pants" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an *******.
...
Trazyn the Infinite here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm recovering relics from a fallen Tomb World he comes in and is all "heh, last night I recovered your mom" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Space Marine here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm purging the heretics and a battle brother dies and is all Hey, don't worry, he can get back u- Oh wait and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Orikan the Diviner here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time the Stars are Right he comes in and is all "heh, took a Viagra huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Sanguinor, Exemplar of the Host here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm cleansing the xenos he comes in and is all You know what they say about men with big swords and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Tau water caste ambassador here
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I try to tell him about joining the greater good, he pretends to be interested, wastes my time for an hour then says "The greater good? The greater **** more like" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
Dark Eldar Incubi here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I threaten to rape and maim him hes all Not if i rape you first, tinydick" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Fire Dragon Exarch here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I go to polish my Fire Pike he comes in and is all "Compensating for something?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Chapter Master Gabriel Seth here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm tearing a new one on some xenos he comes in and is all "At least my Lord's not a cripple" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Brother Captain Indrick Boreale here,
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm dropping some Steel Rain he comes in and is all "Brother Captain Tay Zonday did it better," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Draigo here.
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm leaving the warp, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say about burly men who dedicate all their deeds and greatest triumphs to other burly men,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Cato Sicarius here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm cleaning my many medals and awards, he comes up to me and says "You forgot your medal for Pederasty," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Gregor Eisenhorn here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm binding Cherubael again, he comes up to me and says "You know when a guy binds another guy" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
Space Wolf Long Fang here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Every time I'm combing my beard, he comes up and is all "Must be hard to get *** out of a white beard huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka here;
Adsholetep iz such an *******. I led da greatest Waaaagh! dat da galaxy ever seen, an' he comes up an' is all "Iz ya secure in yer manhood, getting kicked off Armo-Geddun just like dat by a squishy old humie wiv a looted powerklaw an' a nice hat?" an' winks an' laughs all da way down iz hole ta nowhere.
wot an *******.
...
Typhus here;
Assholetep is such an *******. When I tried to grant him the gifts of Nurgle (murder him horribly with a disease of my own design), he says "That may have worked... if I wasn't immortal!" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
...
Dark Angels Veteran here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Everytime I'm putting on my robes, he comes up and is all "Did they repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell yet?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
...
Inquisitor Lord Coteaz here;
Assholetep is such an *******. Everytime I'm issuing orders to the Jokaero, he comes up and is all "ya know, Bananas are extinct hehe" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
...
Necron Overlord here;
Assholetep is such an *******. I woke up after 64 million years of slumber, and was about to take a spin in my Catacomb Command Barge, when I found out that Assholetep had modified it so that the flying base is going to break like every goddamn day.
What an *******.
Lord Sorcerer Varshask of the Scourged here;
Assholetep is such an *******. This one time I was getting ready to open a warp rift and then he shows up and goes "So you doing this, is that the warp equivalent of Goatse.cx?" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber, at which point the Lord of Change we summoned yells "JUST AS PLANNED" and the thing ******* explodes.
We never found a body, though, and you just know he's going to show up in like 4 other subsectors across 15 different timezones. Thanks a ******* bunch, Tzeentch.
Both ******* ********.
...
Trazyn the Infinite here;
Assholetep is such an *******. I was polishing and rearranging my relics when he shows up and goes "Hey Trazyn, you sure know how to preserve your relics. I hear you even have your own virginity locked up!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.
What an *******.
I too like to visit 1d4chan
We all do from time to time.
Well I guess someone been snorting too much warp dust.
Mattman, did you use any drugs lately :P ?
I smell tons of warp dust... Nearly laughed yo death while i was reading this damn thing. You must unleash it powers at the enemies of the Imperium. They will blowup from laugh. And i declare this post as psychotropic weapons of mass destruction... of minds.
It's amazing what people can do when their's nothing to do.
Dat posts...