Redneck Jokes

I missed a couple of the jokes I wanted to do here so I decided to go ahead and do another article.

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Two Arkansas Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are
sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says,
'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I
think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes. Jim Bob
thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college
and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a
weedeater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a
weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you
have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that
you might logically have a family.'

'I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family,
then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yes, I do have a wife.'

'And because you have a wife, then logic
tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you
were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.'

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes
the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob
about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a
weedeater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

________________________

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE [WHEN

YOU'RE OLD AND

DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE]...

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his

wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which

she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there

were people in the shed stealing things.

George said "No." Then they said that
all

patrols were busy, and that he

should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when

available.

George

said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people

stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them

now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an

ambulance

showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd

shot

them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was

nobody available!"__________________________

One-Liners...

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian
6. Never answer an anonymous letter
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else
14. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those
who can't
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

__________________________

You're A Redneck Jedi If

1. You ever
heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your
yard.

6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the

7. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with
fishing/bowling.

9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on
over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you
have to get in through the window.

12. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that
Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

13. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to
Chewbacca.

_______________________

Things A Redneck Won't Say

1. "I'll
take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

2. "Duct tape won't fix that."

3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."

4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."

5. "You can't feed that to the dog."

6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."

8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."

9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

10. "We're vegetarians."

11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"

12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."

13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."

14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."

15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."

17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."

18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."

19. "Trim the fat off that steak."

20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."

21. "The tires on that truck are too big."

23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."

24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."

27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."

29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
seen."

31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."

32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."

34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

35. "Elvis who?"

36. "Checkmate."

________________________

In A Redneck Church

1. People
ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take
up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.

3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't
get out of."

5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for
communion.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a
parable.

11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come
back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

_____________________
Woman Golfer

A Woman was out
golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the
woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap

The frog said to her, 'If you
release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but be aware there is a

Whatever you wish for... your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied,
'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So,
KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make
your husband the richest man in the
world. And
he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like
to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral
of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention
:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here
and continue feeling good.

Male
:

...

...

...

...

...

...

....

...

..

...

...

The
man had a heart attack ten times milder

than his wife.
Moral
of the story
:
Women are not quite as
smart
as they think...

PS: If you
are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women
never listen!!!

________