with it destroy the shadows.
The Yevyr System, 892.M41
The bridge of the battle barge The Fist of
Retribution was abuzz with commotion; the ancient ship, belonging to the
Praetorians, a descendant chapter of the Imperial Fists. The Fist had always
been the 2nd company’s battle barge. Rumors state that the Fist was
gifted to the Praetorians at their conception. It had seen the chapter’s
greatest triumphs and its greatest defeats. But, she was not off to war this
time, no; she was on a recruitment mission. Captain Augustus Primus, who had
been captain of the 2nd for almost two hundred years, had ordered
the 2nd to the Yevyr system to find new recruits for the company. But,
it turned out that this would be no simple recruitment mission. Also in the
system was a Mechanicus Expedition ship, the Pride of the Omnissiah. Normally, this wouldn’t concern the Praetorian 2nd company, but the Pride had a history with the
Praetorian Chapter. Long ago, the Praetorian 3rd company agreed to
help the Mechanicus with its expedition to find new Standardized Template
Constructs and had been posted on the Pride of the Omnissiah almost two
thousand years ago.
Normally,this would have been a joyous occasion; the various Companies of the
Praetorians rarely got to see each, due to their largely decentralized organization.
But this was different, something wasn’t right. The Pride of the Omnissiah wasn’t
responding to the Fist’s calls. It wasn’t even moving anywhere, its engines
where deactivated, the ship was aimlessly drifting in space.
Captain Primus was on the bridge, attempting to figure out what was happening. “Shipmaster
Vardis, have you been able to get through to the Pride?” he asked.
The ancient, scarred figure of Ship Master Rafael Vardis looked up from his command
lectern, “No, we have not been able to get through to the Ship; they haven’t
responded to our Vox signals or Astropathic messages,” he paused for a minute, “Perhaps
they are just having some sort of technical issues.”
Someone snorted from behind Primus, and he turned to see who it was. It was their
Company Champion, Luthor Hoth. He was only 109 years of age, one of the
youngest Marines in the Company. But he was, without a doubt, one of the most
skilled fighters, having more battle honors than most Veterans of the company.
“I highly doubt that the Adeptus Mechanicus are having technical problems, Ship
Master,” Hoth said with a smile, “If you haven’t noticed, they make their
living off of keeping machines running.”
Primus chuckled, while Vardis scowled, “You should learn to respect your Elders, boy,”
he said with a sneer.
Before Luthor was able to reply, Captain Primus said: “Enough. We need to figure out
what’s going on with the Pride. Luthor’s probably right. It’s most likely more
than a simple mechanical failure. Assemble the Company. We’re going to board
the Pride and figure out what’s going on.”
“Are you sure that’s wise?” Vardis said quickly, “If nothing’s wrong with the ship,
the Mechanicus would be unhappy with our intrusion.”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Primus replied, “Luthor. Head down to the Hangers,
tell the Techpriests to prepare the Thunderhawk’s for a boarding action.”
“Yes, Captain,” Luthor said with a bow.
A hush fell across the bridge of the Fist of Retribution;
the entire human crew stared out the view ports into the void, across thousands
of miles, towards the small figure of the Mechanicus ship. No knew what they
would find on the ship. But if Primus had known what was on it, he would’ve ordered
the Fist of Retribution to open fire with its Bombardment Cannon, instead of
boarding the ship.
Very nice, can't wait to see what happened on The Pride of the Omnissiah. Btw this part is really small, i hope it gets bigger :P
Don't worry. It will.
Hmm, I like it
Very good, I like how you used Imperial Fists (my 2nd fav chapter), from my knowladge I think I have a fair idea whats on the ship, but who knows, ethier way, keep it up
It's not the Imperial Fists, it's a descendant chapter of them.
i like it let me look at and give it a review
Well done bill, a job well done. Your writing flows pretty well for most of your text, and it seems that you've taken the time to look over your writing a few times. Ontop of that, i REALLY REALLY like (it seems, unfortunately, many Space Marine writers/books do this) you kept your Space Marine characters, especially Hoth, Human enough to have a personality! ME GUSTA. (But of course, as i've said in almost every review, you should ALWAYS write your work EXACTLY as YOU want to write it, after all, it is YOUR work and no one else's) But yea I appreciated that and say keep that up, cause it seems that many a times Space Marine characters are little more than Servitors, and have no real personalities to separate them from each other. However, sometimes i feel people drop the ball on this... and go way over-bored, giving them too much personality so as they're unbelievable in being Space Marines, or anyone else in the military for that matter (but once again, your story!). Like I said at the begging, your writing is well refined and has only a few spots that may interrupt the "flow" of the text. Oh, and I think you did a good job at the end, however short this is, in sparking the interest of the reader, and them wanting more now. A good "cliff hanger" i mean.
Alright, now onto my "gripes".
*Maybe i need to reread your work again, but i'm still a little fuzzy (confused i mean) on what the relationship of the Praetorian Chapter and the Imperial Fists is. They share companies or battle barges? I just felt that could be a little more clear.
*I felt the 2nd paragraph, (the small little one after the 1st paragraph... duh XP ) could have maybe been re-worded at bit at the end of it's text, as it feels worded oddly at one part, and i feel interupts your "flow":
"The Pride of the Omnissiah wasn’t
responding to the Fist’s calls. It wasn’t even moving anywhere, its engines
where deactivated, the ship was aimlessly drifting in space."
Its mostly this part here: "It wasn't even moving anywhere," I just feel you could maybe reword that a little, it just feels a little out of place i think. But that's just me!
*While I guess this isn't really a "gripe", i thought that it's always something to try and make your reader feel, especially inside an Imperial Warship of the 41st Millennium. When we're introduced to Vardis, looking at the control lectern as he is, I always thought it may pay off to put a little detail as to how surrounded they are by other men manning control lecterns and maybe walls and cubicle's of Logic Engines or something. I dunno, again, thats just me.
*Not that big of a deal, and im sure this is just my opinion, but i felt that the word "attempting" in: "Captain Primus was on the bridge, attempting to figure out what was happening." may not be such the best word for that paragraph. Not sure it fits is what i mean. But once again... Just my opinion!
Eh. I didn't put much into explaining the detail of the bridge, because that's the only time that we'll ever visit the bridge of the Fist of Retribution.
*Another part of the story that i felt "interrupted the flow", was the 5th paragraph. Again, i felt the paragraph as a whole could be reworded a bit, just feels a little out of place with the way its written. Particularly here: "He was only 109 years of age, one of the
youngest Marines in the Company." and the end of the paragraph. Like i said above, i just feel it doesn't flow as well as it could, and may need rewording.
*Again, not so much a gripe, as this part does what im sure you meant (leaving the reader wanting MORE!) but i felt the end of the last paragraph may be a little wordy. Just slim it down a bit i feel. But again, JUST ME!!!
now don't get discouraged or anything! Your writing is well done, and at most of this small little excerpt, i feel its on par with much of the books the Black Library already have published, its just those small little parts i've pointed out that I feel may need a little more going over, NOTHING MAJOR! As i've said a couple times above already, JUST MY OPINIONS/PREFERENCE! Now, on a lighter note, i'll say again (and i mean it) Job Well Done! Keep writing and don't leave us hanging in the dark on what happens on the Pride of the Omnissiah.
Thanks for the feedback.
Also, I've moved the story into a forum post,because honestly, posting these as a News update/features is overly complicated for my lazy ***.
Also, I'm going to try and update it at least once a week (Most likely on a Friday night/Saturday at the latest).
understood, and keeping a watchful eyes on the groups forum XD
Very good! I look forward to more work :)