Okay so after fighting in the War of Wrath, I have decided to stay under the House of Tom Bombadil, there the Badger Folk (led by me) have stood by Master Tom, for ages. Soon we will rise up and the world will know just how powerful we are for Tulkas put the spirits (with Yavanna) into the Badgers and thus I was born. My folk and I have helped many races before but sadly, men seem to have grown distrustful of us--and the elves are leaving the world. So we will remain hidden through the west and the Old Forest.
Okay, so a lot of people ask me about what happened in the Three Ages and what I was doing throughout the Three Ages. First of all let me regal you with how I came to middle earth. It was Tulkas who sent the warrior spirits (with Yavanna) into the badgers--these were eventually known as Badger Folk, and my wife and I were the first of our kind. I was entirely respectable during this time and migrated from Valinor to the Old Forest. This forest reminded me of Valinor in many ways--the trees, the animal friends, and even the spirits that dwelt within the forest seemed merry to me. However, hunger quenched me and my family, it was something newly experienced in coming to Ea (which is the world), and it was in this forest that I would meet my most hated enemy.
After my failure in securing a meal for my family, I was considered shamed. How could I lose to Tom Bombadil? An unruly character who looked like he fell out of A&E's Duck Dynasty? Tom was pleasant to me however, and invited me to Goldberry and his wedding; I thought things would take a turn for the better but this is when things got worse.
Living under Tom's house is annoying as hell! I heard constant rhymes and poems that really messed with my family's mind. At night when he was with Goldberry he would sing, "Hey ho give a smooch, then let me tap that cooch" or he would say evil things like "Ding a ring a willow, come and f this fellow," but the final straw was this: "You are like Badger-Brock, you like to suck..."
I had enough with this bastards musical imperfections, he thinks he is so clever coming up with rhymes and thinking it is funny but it is not! I know when I am not wanted, and the fact that the Old Forest kept shrinking and animals kept dying due to his ineptness made things even more drastic--but this came later after the War of Wrath.
I sent word to my cousin in the south east and told him about how I had been dishonored and put down. "I really don't give a shit," he said. So moving my family to his place seemed out of the question.
With no place left to go for my family, I gathered up as much as I could of my race and fought in the War of Wrath, Eonwe thanked us personally, and I told him about how stupid Tom Bombadil was and how he had dishonored me. Eonwe said that I should go speak with him and so I did.
I told Tom how I was offended, and how my wife and I were planning to leave and he said, "Ho ho ho, you think old Tom care? Your species is not that rare, go and be free, in your badger hole I take a pee," and he laughed and laughed. I can still hear his songs like a woodpecker's bill against a tree, I can still hear his laughs like a beaver's fart, and I can still see his stupid outfit dancing in the woods. It was then I had made my decision, I must kill Tom Bombadil!
My clan and I left the woods and found ourselves living off the land. We eventually stumbled upon an army led by Durin I's descendant. He recognized us from the War of Wrath and he also recognized me personally as I had told his forefather of an area in the Misty Mountains that would be a good place to build a home. I had been rewarded with tons of mithril and had it stored in my den. The Dwarves were still in the process of building more, so I offered my folk's assistance.
We found refuge with the Dwarves and helped them carve out their kingdom. In exchange for mithril we were given armor, weapons, and food. We were trained in the use of these weapons and learned to defend ourselves--in short we became ruthless in our combat training and it was I who would live to see a new smith come to fruition in the 2nd age--Celebrimbor.
I gave him all the mithril from what Durin I gave me in exchange for Celebrimbor to forge me a mighty spear and sword. I had a mighty battle-ax already forged by the Dwarves, but I needed something to kill Tom Bombadil with, a mystical blade if you will, and Celebrimbor was just the smith to get the job done.
Sadly, Celebrimbor had been slain not long after he forged my spear and sword by the Dark Lord Sauron. I would have helped the Last Alliance fight him, but I had bigger fish to fry. I would soon exact my revenge and slay the one being who made a fool out of me. I would retake my home, my people would flourish, and I, Badger-Brock would become the new Guardian of the Old Forest. I could see it now all my dreams were about to come true. I led my race back to the Old Forest and confronted old Tom at his house.
"Here you come again huffing like a bellows, you must be a pansy, you brought so many fellows."
"I have come to slay you old Tom," I said. "Now your wife will miss you, in bed."
"Hey ho, you like to talk smack, I will kick you in your crack."
"Enough with the rhymes! I will make you pay for your crimes!"
"Hee ho, I got you doing it now, after this you will bow."
I saw red, I attacked with ferocity and threw my spear at Tom, he erected a log in front of his body to block the spear--he tossed the log at me and I fell with a crash. I threw the log off and what happened then became a blur. I remember standing over Tom, blood dripping from his head and mouth, my blade pressing hard in-between his blood stained hands. I had begun to lose the battle and called upon my badger warriors for aid--but underneath my blade Tom said, "So you wish me dead, watch the trees I should have said, sleep now Badger folk, go to bed! Goldberry and I will always be wed!" With that we all fell under a deep sleep and were shown that Tom was indeed the master of the Old Forest.
And that my sons is why we live under his house in this Third Age. Tom is a tyrannical ruler who likes the sound of his rocky pestilent voice, a voice that a gorcrow would be proud of. It is his evil power that keeps us here and why we are forced to live in the Old Forest.
"Mom always told us you were too lazy to move out of here."
"Yeah, well...how did I get all these items and weapons?"
"War of Wrath and you accidentally ate an elvish noble."
"...shit happens as your cousins would say, now get out of here, it is time for all of you to go about your day!"
So I may have made some part up like the whole thing about facing Tom Bombadil himself in an epic duel, but one thing is for sure, one day I will destroy him. There can only be one lord of the Old Forest only one who keeps it growing strong--and it is not an inept fool like Tom!
I sincerely appreciate you reading this letter Gandalf. I had the man I captured here a long time and told him to give it to you. I hope you do not share this with Tom but as you can see, I have lost my macho attitude in front of my kids and wife due to Tom's foolishness. I also would like to be considered for the White Council. If you could please put in a good word for me, I would much appreciate it.
P.S. If you do decide to tell Tom, let me know, my wife has relatives in Narnia, I'll move there where the guardians aren't so stupid.
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