Another blogpost no one's gonna read? Hell yea
So, today is January 22nd of year 2023. And honestly speaking, 2022 was really fucked up for me in many ways. It's not even really possible for me to describe how many events happened in my life that year. But I can surely say it's been very saturated and memorable.
I suffered with education at university, got into long-distance relationship, provoked some modding drama (ooooohhh ma gawdd), made bunch of new friends and lost some of them, new enemies aswell. It's just a helluva mess and on top of everything I had to face a breakup at the end of year, which was the last thing in that small important period the 2022 was.
I had to cancel FF:R because of having too much studying on my shoulders(by the time of writing this, I already quit the university and plan to get in a better one next summer). But I also started another project which is Lost and Damned. Even though it's getting developed slowly as hell, there's still some progress going with it. Of course im not planning its playtime to be any close to FF:R, but it has unique mechanics and that's the most important part.
Well, uhh, the breakup from my first relationship turned to be a very painful experience and I'm still recovering from it. I had to leave and try to forget everything about that person, but as it is, no matter how much I try, when I'm bored and alone with nothing to distract me, the memories of past love haunt me. I wish there was a better, more peaceful closure to it, but everything ended so abruptly and negatively, I didn't even manage to leave kind words after myself, even though I wish my ex the best on their journey. It sucks that such situations simply require lots of time for mental healing, but atleast there are things to learn from everything I guess.
As for good news I still got a group of good friends that I cherish alot. Even though I still have troubles with being motivated for modding, but my friends help me alot anyway.
I started playing the Yakuza game series, and I love everything about the games starting from OST and ending with story, characters and writing. It helped me to get distracted from all negative emotions.
It still hurts when I occasionally remember the past, but I keep moving on from it. I keep believing there's a better future ahead and hoping that I will not repeat my mistakes.
Sometimes I shake my head and wonder "What am I even doing with my life?" or "Will I ever learn to be emotionally independent from others?", "How can I be happy without relying on others?", hell if know how. But one thing i figured is that all the general mod popularity stuff that some of my acquaintances have been pursuing(me aswell) is usually just not worth it.
Every time I managed to actually gain some big attention to my work it didn't feel honestly satisfying for me. It was rather cringeworthy seeing game journalists copypaste each other's articles which had my work mentioned there. All this "popularity" simply felt so soulless for me, hence it gave me lots of disappointment that I have mentioned in my previous blogposts.
I recently decided to show my work to one newly made friend, who was interested in modding, and I received lots of positive feedback from that person and the realization struck me. Just having ONE person pinpoint the fact that my works come from a great spirit, seeing their honest amusement. It felt just so great compared to literally everything I heard before it. You know, all this effort I took into spreading my works, showcasing them in as many places as possible and here's just one important friend who proved to me that all the hustle for getting recognition is never worth it. Showing your creative works to people that you care about and receiving their honest feedback is what gives actual happiness in my opinion.
I'm not underestimating all the positive comments I get on ModDB and other places though, I still appreciate them aswell, but I simply believe it's not something I should primarily focus on. It's hard to focus on the simple "Make mods for yourself", but if I can focus on people I deeply care about and have them as my audience, then even the darkest tunnel will have a light in its end. A light that keeps you going.
