mittenengrey

October 1^st
2014

So…here again trying out new things. I’ve lost
my journal(again), and I’ve tried looking for it. I failed in that department.
So instead of waiting for some kind of revelation and it to suddenly appear,
I’ll type my thoughts. Perhaps this will be permanent even if I find my
journal. Fewer misspellings that way. In
case you don’t know, I’ve kept a journal all my life. I’ve always thought about
typing instead of handwriting, but I could never get out of my comfort zone. I
suppose now I have no choice. I figure this way, I can never lose my thoughts.
I tried doing vlogs, but I can’t really say EVERYTHING that I want to say. Like
personal stuff you know? Because everyone can see them, so I wouldn’t be able
to talk about girlfriend problems or my suicidal thoughts. When I write, I can
say whatever the hell I want so…yeah I’m totally doing this. Hopefully I’ll
find that journal. It’ll pop up years later and you’ll know where this is
continuing off. Just as I was getting in the habit of updating it every day.
I’m still a college student. At my last year of community college…I’m still a
music student. I’m still a composer. I’m still alive. I’m still mouthing off,
I’m still lazy. My audition into the University of Houston is exactly one month
away. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I don’t know what’s going to
happen exactly. I feel so alone in all of this. People try to help me with the
shitload transferring comes with, but everyone’s too busy for poor ol me. At
least I won’t have to drive there at first. Just thinking about the driving
makes me cringe. Hell thinking about the parking makes me cringe. I hate
driving. It’s like a phobia….all because that accident with Gabe. Ever since
then I have a fear that I will die because of mine or someone else’s
negligence…

It’s all
scary…

My audition
will be scary. In high school I tended to choke on these kinds of things…now I
guess the time is right to see if I choke again….

Ha ha. Silly
huh. A lot of times in my head I compare it to trying out for a record company.
It’s basically the same thing. So I think… I don’t really know enough about
either. I wish…my dreams would come true already. You know them. Being a famous
“Rockstar”. I have this vision that people will hear my music and think hard
about it and debate what each song means…like it’ll be a main stream thing.
Then I hear a pop song…

And it’s about
ass.

They call it
booty. Then I realize people don’t like to think. People just want…I don’t
know. Sex sales. It does it does…Maybe I should sell out…this ain’t the 90s
anymore. You know I’ve been seeing a lot of Nirvana lately. You know the band.
Yesterday I saw a Youtube video with teens

reacting to
their music and today me and Joe were listening to them in his truck. I never
liked them too much, but you know that’s the kind of musician I want to be.
Someone singing about something meaningful. Emotions flowing wild and not
necessarily happy emotions. Something depressed people like me can relate
to.

Save
someone…but this is the now. Everyone is crazy about their asses…and I don’t
know why. I wanna be like Kurt Cobain…but even Kurt Cobain didn’t want to be
like Kurt Cobain. He shot himself right? Or did his wife kill him? Well I don’t
think Raeleen has the balls to kill me, but even if she did, at least I’d save
a few lives.

Maybe Kurt
Cobain saved mine. I remember after Grandma died and Justine broke up with me I
listened to a lot of Nirvana and I didn’t feel sad. It was strange. I don’t
know how I would’ve felt if I didn’t listen to them. I had that same feeling
today and yesterday. Maybe it’s what I need you know? Whenever I listen to
Nirvana, I feel like I don’t care about the world or myself…and not caring
means I can’t get hurt. It makes life less stressful…but I don’t know. I never
admit to myself that Nirvana has an impact on me, but honestly I think it has a
huge impact on me and my music.

I still
don’t know exactly where I left off on my other journal. It disappeared after
my cousins came over and spent the night for a week…so I have a feeling they
took it with them. I’m going to try looking for it tomorrow, but even if I do
find it, I think I’ll keep typing. It’s more convenient. Maybe I’ll just save
it for lyrics which I find myself writing less of because of all the
instrumental music I write. If my cousins took it…I’ll just get it back, hopefully.
Hope they don’t burn it and do voodoo on it like Justine did. Whew. Don’t know
why I’ve mentioned my old ex twice already…maybe because all of the Nirvana is
making me think of that day we broke up. This strange feeling that I’m feeling…
I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this. Like I’m on a train and I can’t
do anything to stop it. It’s going somewhere far away from my comfort zone…but
if I didn’t go on this train, I would lose my mind…because music is so
important to me. I don’t want to teach it. I don’t want to be a band director. I
want to be a real musician. I don’t care how long it takes me. I don’t know why it’s the same feeling of the
“freedom” I felt when my ex dumped me.

Today…this
whole semester is kind of boring to watch. I only have one class and it’s math.
I don’t really like it, but I have to get through it…I’m volunteering for
percussion ensemble and wrote one. It’s called “Train ride to Polly”…you can
guess what it’s about. That train I was talking about earlier. It’s also deals
with a character from a new game of mine called Fright To Win. It’s coming
along pretty well. It doesn’t have any lyrics…it’s like Poltergeist and
Delightful Carnival. I try to paint my feelings with music. I try really hard
to. Harder than most people

think…Hopefully
it goes well. There’s some new faces at the Percussion ensemble. In fact come
to think of it, nobody really left.(Except Ethan).Oh wait Moe left… There’s
this middle eastern guy named Sameer, and this really good musician named
Joseph. I’ve seen him play piano, guitar, trumpet, and drums(I’m so proud of
myself for not feeling jealous). Sameer is pretty creative. In all they’re a
lot like me. Dreamers…

Anthony
changed his major…I don’t remember if I mentioned that before. Stuff like that
scares me too. On top of that, his friend Tyler and Marina the bass player all
switched majors too. It’s so hard to watch people switch like that…and deep
down I don’t want them to…but I won’t tell them to their face of
course….Anthony will be doing accounting, I don’t exactly know what the others
switched to. It’s crazy because all of us really bonded because of percussion
ensemble. Now when we play everything has a darker tone. I don’t know I can’t
explain it, but I feel some kind of darkness when we play…maybe it’s my fear…my
fear that I will change to. In all honesty if I were to change I think that
would be the day I commit suicide. That would be the ultimate failure and I
wouldn’t be able to do something else and live a life without music being my
life. So yeah…not that they should kill themselves. I’m sure music will still
be part of their lives…but I don’t know. I guess it’s stressful. Guess. Of
course it’s stressful.

So I’ve had
a lot on my chest lately as you can tell. That’s why this entry is so long.
Lately I’ve been feeling really empty and it’s because I haven’t been keeping a
log lately. The “vlogs” just didn’t do it for me. Here I’m safe from judgment. It’s funny, today Joe was searching my name
on youtube and the vlogs popped up. I was so embarrassed…I wanted to go home
and delete them…when I got home though I figured…I don’t care if he wants to
watch them. I mean he might agree with what I say…What did I say in it? Well it
was one of my random rants I sometimes put in my journals. About music, mainly.
How frustrated I am with how people view it…but you know, just doing random
rants doesn’t help me feel complete. So I’ll just stop doing them. I may do
some kind of review thing though. Because I’d like to try it just once…probably
a lot harder than it looks though. I enjoy watching them…I think I may be able
to pull it off.

So this is
my life. If anyone were to read these…this is probably the first entry they’d
read…since its typed and all. I wonder who’d you be? Someone who knows me…or
maybe someone who was always curious? If
you think you know me…guess again. I get pretty weird. Sometimes it’s really
hard to read some of the things I write. I won’t lie…I’m really fucked up…and
it’s nobody’s fault…not even mine. I just choose to be insane because it makes
the most sense.

Yeah, this
already feels better than talking in front of a camera. I feel a lot better…
This I can get used to…So we’ll see what happens. Nothing like starting it on
the best month of the year.

October...the
month where all the ghost come out and play. They make me feel at home…Well
good night.

October 2,
2014

No class
today and no band today. So I literally have nothing to do today…well come to
think of it I do have a lot to do, but I guess it just feels like I have
nothing to do. I felt good yesterday, but today I don’t know…maybe because I
just woke up. I wonder if G sent my letter of recommendation…I have a strong
feeling he didn’t because of how sick he was…also he probably forgot. I don’t
know. Why is it always my responsibility to remind people to do something? Nobody
reminds me to do anything. I don’t rely on other people either. I wish I
could…but usually what ends up happening is they let me down…I think everyone
in my family has that problem. If you remember, my Mom’s a nurse and they have
this walk thing. So my Mom ends up being the one who makes the shirts and
accessories for the other nurses rather than them splitting the work. I guess
we’re just that kind of people.

On another
note…I tend to let down people too. Well sometimes…if it’s an easy task then I really
see no point in failing what I have to do…but if it’s something difficult, then
I may not meet your satisfaction. I hope something changes and everything
becomes simple. Those are my worries right now anyway. I know Dr. T and Shane
sent theirs. I didn’t even really have to remind them.

Oh well…it’s
not like I can do anything about it now. I don’t even know if my Uof H
application is okayed or not. I kinda just sent it without going through it
twice because people were telling me to just hurry up and send it…so it’s their
fault! Nonetheless my “Moores school of music” application went through and I
have an audition date. I don’t have a time though. That kinda scares me. I don’t want what
happened to

Moe happen
to me. The whole “Oh you don’t even get to audition, we just don’t want you” I
mean that’s just fucked up. College is a scam though. It’s too expensive and
why is it so expensive....all to add to the expenses of paying for stadiums
football equipment and crap that doesn’t need to be bought.

Ugh…I hate
football. American Football…it’s so stupid. If it wasn’t as popular as it is I
probably wouldn’t “hate” it…but Goddamn it’s always in my fucking face. Also,
that’s a big part of what colleges care about. Their “Football”
presentation…and music programs have leeched onto football…making music about
football…ugh it’s so stupid. I really didn’t like marching band in high school
because it was a fucking waste of my time. Working hard to march around a field
and play when nobody gives a shit. Do you watch football? What do you do at the
half time show? That’s when most people get up to take a shit or buy food that
taste like shit…ugh.

********
Today went pretty well you know when Raeleen comes over a lot of my stress
disappears. All in all Thursdays usually feel pretty good.

October 3, 2014

Man that
October weather just feels so nice. I can’t help but to enjoy it…I love to run
in this weather. I put on my headphones…and go into my world. A world of
fiction mainly…that’s what I mostly do whenever I run to music. Sometimes the
music is going through a scene that has something to do with the games I
make…or they’re just what ifs of my life. “What if I had a metal band”, “What
if I was conducting some masterpiece I wrote”. Even when I’m listening to my own
music I’m imagining playing it on a stage or something. That’s just me though…I
think I’ve been doing that since I started playing the drums…hell even before.
I’m not exactly sure when it started, but it still happens in my brain.

I remember
trying to stop doing that, and sometimes it’s possible for me to…like when I’m
analyzing the music…but then it’s not really fun anymore. I like music theory
and all that, but I feel like it’s just a tool and not really the machine(not
even the main tool). The machine would be the inspirations…you know the music
that you like. You configure those inspirations and what comes out is something
that you enjoy…that’s how I feel real composers write music anyway…not exactly
sure if everyone does that…but that’s what I usually do…even with my “serious”
music… even when I’m writing for video games. I miss writing for Phoenix
Splash…at a time that was the only thing I was writing for. Phoenix Splash is
my band by the way…it’s my little tool for achieving my childhood dreams and become
famous…the only problem is that it has tons of obstacles…in case I don’t find
my other journal I guess I’ll explain what exactly Phoenix Splash is…Me on
drums and vocals and my brother on bass…and Jane on keyboards…you know we used
to joke around that we should pretend Jane was a ghost of a fallen friend that
used to play keyboards with us…but that “pretend” is slowly feeling like a
reality.

Not that we
had a friend who played keyboards, but I mean in my last journal (god willing I
find it) you can see what I went through last year…around this time
actually…about a friend. Chris told me he also lost someone…though his was a
little more Hollywood…the whole “I’ll help you write a song” and “I need you
with me” and then she dies…mine’s more morbid. Just so you know, I’m not going
to state the name of this friend because you never know what can happen and who
could read these…but anyway we’d just play chess in the mornings, talk about
suicide, and show each other our cuts. It sounds so stupid, and in any sane
man’s eyes it is stupid…but you know it felt good knowing there was someone who
felt as crappy as I did. We didn’t really have excuses to feel that way
either…at least at the time we didn’t think we had excuses…looking back there
are many things that could have made us morbid.

She moved
and I lost touch with her…I went throughout High School found my happiness. I
guess she never could. Last year she killed herself....drugs…I think…I never
did want to learn the whole truth…I know I always avoided the subject within my
last journal. I kind of just started writing to her, and if a reader read it,
they would just be confused. They would know something bad happened, but they
wouldn’t know what. That’s what happened. So now whenever we talk about “Jane”
I feel like maybe it’s my friend…or at least a form of my friend. Instead of
talking about suicide though, we’d play music instead. In my mind I’ve kind of
created a “What if”. What if we’d played music and let our pain out instead of
doing the wrong things. Maybe she’d play the keyboards. I’m sure Chris feels
the same way about Jane. Our little “Let’s pretend” became a little more than
that. I think Chris’ friend died before we said that, so maybe it’s a little
more poetic…but who cares…life is life right?

A year has
passed since then. I guess I’m over it…but I don’t really get over anything. So
I realize. I hold onto everything that’s ever made an impact on my life. Maybe
someday I’ll mention her name by accident, and you really won’t know what I’m
talking about…nah actually I think that’s the whole point…we kind of promised
we wouldn’t tell anyone our little morbid secrets…maybe when I said we played
chess I said too much…ha…oh well. The weather’s nice. Maybe I’ll go for a
run…practice some music…make my game…play a game…and then call Raeleen so I can
sleep with a smile.

Ever feel
like you’re just waiting to die…I don’t know I guess I’m in a mood. I’ve been
having this idea where I’ve finally found my genre of music. I call it Ninja
Music…it’s just there. In the shadows…nobody really cares for it…only this
ninja wears white and jumps in front of everyone, but still no one can see him.
Nobody even cares about the ninja…sometimes he forgets why he even decided to
be a ninja…because being a ninja is being invisible. People know what you are
and think you’re cool…but no one knows who you are…such a lonely ninja…who
wears white and nobody listens to him…even though he’s stomping on the ground
with metal plates. People just walk right passed him and mutter about their
days. Talk about the stuff that’s shoved in front of them by non-ninjas…the
cycle continues.

Can I tell
I’m in a mood? I’m just looking at my 15 minute String Quartet and wondering if
anyone will actually listen to it. Will it even connect with anyone? Or will it
just be ninja music…in the shadows while people mutter. I know it sounds
selfish…but I just want someone to stop and listen…and love it…love all the
lonely ninja’s music. Maybe they could save this ninja from disappearing…

October 4,
2014

Well today
was an adventure….I don’t know, but I felt like a little kid again. The New
Smash Bros came out and Chris and I went to go get it. I wish I wasn’t into
video games as much as I am…but it is what it is. Basically it’s everything I
can dream of. The sad part is I get the feeling in my stomach that I’ll never
be able to make something as good as that. I’m only one man. This game had a
whole bunch of people…and even then it took a long time. I guess if I were to
release Fright to Win, it would be “free”.

I pick
Pikachu…I didn’t always used to, and I don’t know why I do…probably because he
gets me the most wins. I’d like to think
that there’s some connection to people and the characters they choose to pick
in a fighting game. Like Chris picks Ike…my guess is probably because he looks
like Chris. Chris doesn’t even play Fire Emblem either. I pick Pikachu…once in
a while I’ll pick “Toon Link” too. I like the adult Link, but John usually
picks him, so you know, I have to be different. Pikachu is always happy, and
everyone loves Pikachu. Pikachu loves attention too…in the cartoons anyway.
Maybe I see Pikachu wanting my attention, so I give it to him…thinking that one
day someone will do the same for me.

Everybody
seems to want this game. I always hear stories about people and trying to get
games, but they’re sold out of it or something…I’ve never experienced that
until today. It felt nice. Chris and I were home alone all day and we just
suddenly got up and bought the game. Most places it was sold out…then we went
to a electronics store that’s on life support and there it was…a whole bunch of
them. “No one would ever think to look there” we thought. We were right. Then
we got some burgers…the whole thing reminded me of those times we went to shoot
material for “Ghost of a midnight Driver”. Or of those times when I was studying
to be a pharmacy tech and we’d go out due to boredom.

I wasn’t so
excited to get the game…at least not as excited as Chris. I wouldn’t mind
getting next week or something…but I got it. Well I can’t talk too much…Raeleen
is waiting for me to sleep on the phone with her. I’ve been playing the game
for some time now. Maybe I’ll play it while I talk to her. Well I’ll see you
tomorrow. Sorry it’s a little short today. I hope you are having a good day.
Mine actually turned out to be nice.

October 5,
2014

Sundays are
usually a blur…that’s because Johnny usually comes over…yeah he’s still doing
that. We played Smash Bros very competitively as usual. I didn’t pick Pikachu
too much, but when I did I kicked butt. I usually picked Pac Man just because I
was interested in him. This whole weekend kind of feels like a blur…but I can
read back on the days and see what it is I did I guess. I don’t usually
practice on Sundays and today was no exception.

On top of
that we watched this strange anime that was funny at first, but then got pretty
annoying. Some animes annoy me, you know when they have those annoying little
girls it almost kills it for me. It’s not because of the English dub either;
the Japanese voice is still annoying. I don’t know but it seems that every anime
seems to have that character in it…or some annoying creature that follows our
heroes everywhere. I guess some people find it cute…

So I’ve been
thinking about this song…I actually I started a little rough draft of it
yesterday…I wanted to call it “Suicide Note”. It’s something that’ll have
lyrics and will be pretty personal. I guess I’ve been feeling that way you
know? Maybe it’s because I’m not teaching anymore…did you hear? I basically got
fired from Danbury because people lost interest in percussion. Everyone would
rather be having sex I guess. Also I haven’t really been keeping a journal you
know, until a few days ago…so I guess those emotions kind of held throughout
lately.

It was a
full moon tonight…I was taking a walk thinking about this new song. Uploading
it to YouTube and imagine it becoming some kind of “hit”…just like I do with my
other songs…I don’t know maybe people would relate to it…tons of people feel
depressed…there are some whom have even gone to shrinks and have been given the
honor of being “diagnosed” with depression. So they say stuff like it’s a badge
of honor….I’ll tell you right now, I’ve never been diagnosed with anything…I
used to believe that it was just a bad day after bad day, but the fact is the
feeling kept staying there. I’ve read some stuff where people say their stories
and how bad they wanted to kill themselves…and how close they’ve gotten to…or
coming out as an example to spread awareness. I’ve never even typed about
anything like that online…but maybe this song will have that kind of effect. To
an extent…it’ll only most likely reach a few people.

But even if
it doesn’t it might just make me feel better. Isn’t that what life is all about
anyway? I wish I were happier. I don’t know why lately, but I’m going down a
spiral. Maybe it’ll be over tomorrow. I hope so anyway.

October 6,
2014

Man Mondays
are really tiresome. It always seems I don’t get enough sleep on Mondays. So I
end up taking a big nap throughout the day. Erg…you know what I hate
today…egos…they’re all around me. It’s like once people learn a musical
instrument all of a sudden they think they’re this gifted individual…when
really they aren’t. They’re just a musician. I hate how people have it in their
heads that musicians are gifted by god or some stupid shit like that…Here’s the
hard iron facts. Music is an art and art is a skill. There’s no magic and no
God involved. I’m sorry. If you think that way then you’re just an idiot and
delusional. (Sigh). Guitar players have such big egos it’s hard to watch
sometimes. Half the time they’re just trying to impress easily impressed
people. Do you know what comes out of that? You become sloppy.

My brothers
both Chris and John have egos up the ass. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true. I
think even though they were put in a situation where everyone could see their
ego, their egos are still big. I guess I can’t blame them. Girls lust over
Chris constantly. Hell even Raeleen asks about him a lot (I try to ignore it).
I guess if that were the case with me, I’d feel pretty damn good. I don’t know
what John’s problem is…I guess Mom and Dad see him as this Messiah of knowledge
and put his opinions over everyone’s…maybe they’ve been doing that longer than
I thought. He’s manipulated them to buy him a house all because…well Dad…but
that’s another story. I would do the same. They always want to be “the star”.
It gets on my nerves. I just want to make good music…If I could count the
number of times Chris does bass soloes in our songs…I think I lost count at 7.
He even puts them in songs that I wrote and didn’t write a bass solo…and
sometimes he’ll just pop out this overly complicated fill and sound totally
awful. They’re both very dirty because their goals in music is merely to get
attention(and to tell people that they’re better than other people), and
they’ve already got the attention that they want so they don’t feel the need to
practice diligently…that’s because in highschool they would see the kind of
attention the shred guitar players got.

I admit I
kind of maybe even used to have some kind of ego, but I don’t put myself before
the final sound. I mean just saying that you would put yourself before the
final sound…you’d have to be stupid right? Like Bret the Hit man Heart once
said “No one can be that stupid”. It’s just ego. I don’t know why I still have
this problem with them. Their biggest fear is “What if someone can’t hear me”
which results in them being too loud…making my biggest fear “What if some idiot
has a big ego and drowns out everything”. (Sigh) I don’t know why I’m even
talking about this…I mean we didn’t even play today. Moe kind of had the same
problem too. It’s just so dull. There’s a reason not every professional
musician shows off constantly. 1. The more ego you have the higher chance
you’ll do something you’re not capable of and totally fuck up. 2. You’ll just
look ridiculous. Sure your average teenage underage girl will lust over you and
make you “feel good”, but at the end of the day you only cared about yourself.

You’ve made
the rest of the band sound bad and made the rest of the band look stupid. You
did all of this just to feed your ego. Is that really what you want? Meanwhile
other musicians will call out what you really are, “sloppy”, “show off”.
“unprofessional”….and you won’t even have a clue. I hear that crap all the
time…and here I am doing it too…and when they find out people call them this,
they shrug and say “people are just jealous”. Let the cycle continue!

I actually
had an okay day today…I was very grouchy this morning. I don’t know exactly
why…I did get sleep, more than I usually get on Sundays anyway. I guess my sad
mood turned into a mad mood. I was totally an ass to my mom today. By being an
ass I mean complaining about things…which is kind of what I’m doing now. So I
guess I’ll complain more. Maybe…nah…it’s another full moon tonight. I feel like
just walking out there and thinking. Maybe I will. I usually do this time of
year.

So looks
like I’m keeping this up huh? I remember I tried the whole type thing when I
lost my other journal, but I didn’t even complete one thought. If this is so,
I’ll probably print my thoughts out and stuff. Maybe even type my own lyrics
instead of writing them out. My cousin Melinda probably has them.

My god
Melinda…every time I think about what’s wrong with the world I can see it in
her. Her mind is flooded with sex symbols and sex music…because sex sales
especially when their hormones are going goofy. It’s disgusting…but yeah maybe
reading my journal will change that…as if. I mean honestly who the hell am I?
I’m not famous I’m not shit. I don’t even look good. She like many other people
in my life gravitates towards Chris because of his look which is strange
because she’s our cousin by blood and all…but yeah I’ve noticed that the same
aspect that applies to other people apply to relatives too…at least in some
cases. People will always like Chris more no matter how good I am or how smart
I am or what. I remember in high school this guy told me “Why does your brother
look so good and you don’t”. I mean immediately shoving the concepts of my
theory in my face. He was so startled by it. The guy ended up becoming prom
king because…well people like assholes too.

If I’d
believe in God like I used to I would just say…oh they’ll get it! God will
punish them! HA HA HA! Chris was the biggest asshole as I was an obese
kid…called me fat ass, sumo and a bunch of other shit. Years later he’s still
skinnier than me still gets more love than me etc. etc… One of the many reasons
I stopped believing in God. There’s tons of others, but don’t worry that’s just
another story. Call me crazy. Judge me. If you were in the same position you’d
be acting the same way.

I remember in High school when the shredders
came to show off. It was like nobody gave two shits. That moment in time where
guitarist were loved started to die. So when we had some “event day” the guitar
players would bring their guitars and amps and “play”. It was pathetic because
they were expecting other people to crowd around them. Instead people ignored
them. I remember watching them play and look around as if to yell out “hey look
at me!” It was a weird thing to see. I guess people do get tired of things
really fast. Nobody cared…fast forward to now…still…nobody gives a shit about
anything…just what they already know. It’s no wonder successful marketing
targets children because they’re the only ones who’ll enjoy something new.

October 7,
2014

Don’t you
hate it when people don’t agree with your opinions or theories? Like I said
before…I am a dreamer…I like to theorize or wonder about how things work. That
goes for music, life, everything pretty much. I don’t know why I get frustrated
when people don’t see things the way I do. Instead they smirk at it or go
“meh”. These days the internet is taking over people’s minds. It used to be
that “idiot box” television…now people see what other people think and jump on
the band wagon. I guess that’s what’s defining our culture.

The internet
however, is not an idiot box…it’s a very crafty place where real people and
false people live. Real people explain their opinions and use their wits about
them while fake people live in fantasy mainly saying something that’s imbedded
deep in their minds. Everyone is a little of both don’t you think. I find
myself saying some thoughts that I wouldn’t normally say out loud just for the
mere fact that it would cause judgment…the fear of saying it wrong…online I get
to type it out, read it and make sure it’s right. Saying it out loud would be
more spontaneous. I’m not the only one
either…most of the time I read a status on facebook that’s usually out right
stupendous…or…I should say…I don’t agree with.
Usually when it’s something not too extreme I ignore it…but when it’s
something stupid like.

“This is
America, everyone should speak English,”. Or “The immigrants are taking our
jobs” or…”All gay people go to hell [insert fucking bible verse here]” that
usually gets my attention. I then say something that the opposing side can’t
compete with…no I’m not arrogant or hard headed. I’m interested to hear their
side because I’ve been on that side, once I did research on things that pissed
me off I found out the truth.

That’s the
only reason why I win…because I do research. Nobody likes to do that…even when
they’re voting for someone to run the country. That’s the internet anyway, most
people are just so addicted to it…yes I am too.

I always
imagine myself becoming some kind of youtuber…where I have a music channel and
people listened to it…but the main thing that people like out of youtubers are
funny videos and video games. My god if people cared about music as much as
their video games life would be so much better. The only music they really care
about is the music in their video games. I’ve even thought about dedicating a
channel to music within video games which I may start doing. Hell why not?
Maybe I should start that up soon…then promote my music on the side.
Nobody…really gives a shit about “real music” or “raw music”…that’s a better
term for it….music that is just stand alone…it has no scene to play to or
stage. You can even argue any music written to a music video isn’t raw music.

I’ve
actually tried talking about that kind of music. What I got in return was…no
response. It was probably because I didn’t show my face…which I will this time.
I’ll even plan it out better too. I got an hd camera, and some reviewers don’t
have fancy mics so I don’t think I will too. I mean I’m not making movies
either. I guess if I wanted to go that route…I do have fancy mics…so what do
you think? I do have a place for that in my head after all you know? If I were
to write about the music I love in video games in my journals, that’s probably
what it would all be about.

Hm…it’s a
good thing I wrote today…I was actually thinking about skipping, but I didn’t
and have found a new inspiration. Hope I’ve inspired you to. If you feeling
like putting yourself out there go ahead! Why not. Maybe we’ll watch each
other’s videos. 2 views each…ha ha…but seriously I think having an internet fan
base is kind of important. So I’ll try this again… the vlogs were a failure…the
music reviews were a failure…now it’s time to do that again. I mean while I
still can. I really need to but that new
video program…I’ll do that tomorrow.

October 8,
2014

Today went
okay. Even though there’s a lot of things I’m worried about you know? Mainly my
audition and entry stuff. Stuff like that I guess. I need to start training
again. I remember there were some things I couldn’t do so I need to practice
them again. I went to school today and had a percussion rehearsal. It’s going
good you know…”Train Ride with Polly” is actually sounding a lot better than it
did in my head. Now I just have to make a recording that I want to go with it,
much like I did in Poltergeist. On top of that I also have a piano and drum
duet (possibly bass guitar too… I don’t know yet) in my head as well as that
song “suicide note”. I know you must think it’s weird that I have a song that
will be called what it’s called.

Actually it
could be my fears bundled into a new thought. What if I don’t make it into U of
H? What if I don’t make it in music? I
think all of that is in the back of my head. What I do become a “music teacher”
even like everyone wants me to be? Make money and just exist. I don’t see

the point.
Especially if Raeleen finds someone else by then, I think I would do it…I mean
looking at how the world is right now

And how
music is so unappreciated, I don’t think I’ll get the attention of anyone…it’s
so sad. No matter how hard I pour my heart into these songs, no one really
wants to listen. Not even Raeleen. Nobody has time…nobody cares…maybe “Suicide
Note” won’t be a hit, what am I saying, of course it won’t. I think I’m just
going to make that song for me. Make it for me to cry to when I don’t want to
live anymore. Maybe play it before I commit the act. Maybe it’ll touch someone,
but more than likely no one will care.

What’s the
point right? Eat cheese pizza…drink cokes…enjoy what time I may have
left…because I don’t know how all of this is going to turn out. I don’t know if
I’ll be able to control myself if everything goes some way I don’t want it to.
If my child hood dreams don’t come true…what else is there? Just existing?
Getting by…getting a family, or hanging out with friends(not that I’ll have any
by then). I’ll always be alone. People will want me to make them feel better
about themselves, whether it’s beating me at something or just making me look
bad. That’s how it’s always been. With everyone. Josh is the lowest you have to
do better than him.

I need God
right? That almighty being that can grant wishes and make people happy. He can
help conquer lands and destroy people all while giving life to the most
beautiful creatures. I know sometimes I say I don’t believe in God, but the
correct answer that I should state is the obvious. I have no clue. No one does.
Anyone who says God is real with 100% certainty is a fool. Anyone who says God
doesn’t exist with 100% certainty is also a fool. Who created everything? God
right? That’s what we call the person who created everything…but one thing is
for sure, there are no Angels and Demons. God could be some kind of energy or
something. We’d call it God once we’d discover it and people would still
believe that God Energy wrote the bible and has a mind of its own, but then
again who’s to say energy doesn’t have a mind of its own. Sometimes I think the
Earth has a mind of its own…like it’s some kind of living being. I still feel
the same way even after all these years. I know it created me, so maybe I’m
saying that’s my God. Along with the atomic bomb star called the sun. People
get very touchy about this subject. One thing’s for sure, many people use “God”
to get what they want…friendships, mates, sympathy and money. Church and
religions all feed into evil. They thrive on judging people and actions that
they themselves practice over and over. I never want to go to church. I know I
used to say that I would feel welcomed there because music plays such a big
part, but the fact is…well let me tell you a story.

After I lost
my journal, my aunt invited me and Chris to play at their church (they mainly
wanted Chris because of his bass). We would play some of the worst music I’ve
ever heard. The music…it’s like none of the composers actually studied Jesus or
anything. They just talk about him like he’s some kind of care bear. They sing
the cheesiest lyrics for the sole reason people will listen to it due to the
fact that they don’t have to use their brains…much like pop music does.
“Jesus…Jesus…what’s not to love about him?” It’s so stupid. If you want a
meaningful song about God…then listen to “God on a Rainy Day” by Phoenix
Splash. I don’t mean to gloat but I know when people don’t work hard on their
music and the Christian music is some of the most awful pieces of sound because
they don’t work hard on it. They just write key words and piece crap together.
Probably took them thirty minutes.

Then after
we’d play that awful music, we’d sit and listen to the most B.S. sermons ever.
The last one that really pushed us out was the one where the entire sermon was
telling people to donate 10% of their income to the church. He also kept saying
that God gave us our musical abilities as if we were X men and just woke up
with the ability to play. He also bashed Muslims and ugh…I don’t even want to
talk about it anymore. It was awful, and there is money to be made…the people
there were cool though however it was like everyone was a book cover and no one
opened up and revealed their true selves. Long story short, that stupid
sonovabitch priest could shove all the crap back into his ass. I didn’t buy
into it, Chris didn’t buy into, and neither did John.

On a side
note…I found out Melinda didn’t take my journal, so it’s still here
somewhere…I’ll probably dig around in Chris’s room tomorrow. I’m kind of glad
she didn’t have it. I don’t want to mess her up more than sex music and popular
crap already has.

October 9,
2014

Man it’s
only a few more days till my birthday…and I become 22 years old. I never
thought I would live this long, but as long as I have people that love me I
don’t think I’ll die by my own hands…which is great. Today was weird….I didn’t
feel so good, I felt as if the universe was against me or something. Or at
least…I just didn’t feel like doing anything. Hell I didn’t even do my
homework. It’s like I don’t care anymore. I’m in that stage where all I want to
do is music you know...writing it mainly. I did manage to work on my string
quartet. Wow I don’t really talk about it that much nowadays do I? I was
supposed to look for my old journal huh? Yeah I forgot to do that. Instead I
stalled half the morning waiting to finally order that new video editing
software that hopefully works well.

My string
quartet in case I never mentioned before is the first piece I’ve written that’s
over 10 minutes. It beats my highest score which was “We are Rain” before that
was “written invitation” which clocked at 8 minutes. So that feels good. My
string quartet, which is titled “Enola”, is 15 minutes. It’s been a long time
since I wrote something so massive…and unlike those other long songs I actually
wrote this one out. Usually in my songs above 6 mins, the endings were usually
improvised and drawn out. They hardly made sense too. Enola is different, it’s
really crazy and maybe someday a real string quartet will play it. Fingers
crossed…

Right now
I’m putting it on Jane you know, like I put Phoenix Splash music on Jane. So
Jane is a one lady string quartet. Other than that I had concert band where I
met someone new today…the ACC community college band is usually made up of
retired peoples, today someone came up to me who I didn’t recognize. He must
have been new, but he talked to me for quite a while which is rare. Usually
white old men don’t like me too much. He reminded me of my History teacher Mr.
Bailey whom I’m sure I’ve mentioned before…but it wasn’t him. I guess that
stuck out to me because I was feeling quite blue and thinking “If I had someone
to talk to that would be nice”…but Joe didn’t show up to rehearsal and neither
did Eddie. This would usually bother me, but seeing how this isn’t my band I
probably shouldn’t care.

I felt like
I needed to talk to someone about suicide or something or life…it’s weird in
high school there was quite a few people who I felt comfortable talking to
about these things. Half of my friends for instance…but lately it’s like
there’s no one. I do have friends don’t get me wrong, but usually we just talk
about things that make us laugh, we’re never serious with each other. I just
don’t know who to talk about these kinds of things with. Sometimes I try to
talk to Raeleen about these things, but that never turns out good. So who? Like
I said before I’m not going to talk about who I talked to about these things
with due to the fact that someone may read this in the future, but I do miss
them. Yeah it was more than one friend. I know it’s weird to want to talk about
depression and stuff, but talking about just makes me feel like I’m not alone
in thinking this way. Maybe it’s the concept “We’ll all get through this
together” that I really need.

When that
old man talked to me…hmm…I don’t know I guess it felt refreshing to talk to
someone new. It seems like everyone I know now really strongly believes in God
and if I showed up to them and talked about this kind of subject, they’d just
point me in the direction of Jesus…where I would have to pay 10% of my income
to the location…because God just loves money.

October 11,
2014

Yeah I
skipped a day, I might do that more than once…just letting you know… the
interesting thing about typing is that I can see how many words I type. I don’t
know why but having lots of something always gets my blood boiling. Also I’ve
decided to do something else….I’m going to put my lyrics on my computer rather
than having them in notebooks…because I keep losing them…it’ll be a separate
file so I won’t bore you with them. Some days when I feel artsy, I’ll probably
start a journal entry off with a poem or something.

Raeleen came
over yesterday and we had fun together like we usually do on Thursdays except
this was a Friday. I don’t know why, but I started talking to her about
religion and science again.

I don’t know
why I do it…maybe I just want to see her reaction. Because she’s Catholic it’s
nice knowing that I could talk to someone about these things. All my questions
that no one can answer realistically…even though she doesn’t like it when I
talk to her about those things I still enjoy it. Raeleen is really nice to talk
to which is probably why I love her so much…though I can’t talk to her about
everything. With some subjects I’m afraid she’ll say something that makes me
feel uncomfortable. I guess it’s hard to explain…but there’s one thing I know
that makes me feel uh…pain. She doesn’t find me attractive.

That’s the
thing. I’ve kind of accepted that…and sometimes I’ll ask her and she’ll say
“yes” but you know? Stuff like that is just something you know…I’m not exactly
pretty or anything. I’m not built, I don’t have any features that attract
anyone…and on top of all that I grow my hair long which repels many girls. Of
course I could always cut it, but I don’t because when I do…I don’t feel like
I’m me…so I don’t. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to kill myself as a young
lad. I just saw what people become and didn’t want that. I just wanted to be me
forever.

That’s looks
you know, people tell you how you gotta look and what you have to do. They tell
you what music to listen to and how to act. Everyone basically loses their
identity…well some people. I tell myself I’ll never get manipulated or I’ll
never blend in. I don’t want to. Maybe Raeleen likes that about me and that’s
what makes me sleep at night. I am her first boyfriend and we’ve been together
for more than 4 years probably…I don’t know. Neither of us actually knows when
we got together because it just kind of happened. I think though, it was
somewhere in December. I would write songs for her…which I still do now. My
music is just not as poppy as it used to be.

So she came
over and we played Neo Geo which is something I’ve always wanted to do with
her. Even though the games are hard a lot of them are two players and have
infinite lives so we got to have a lot of fun. We played King of Fighters,
Shock Troopers, King of Monsters, Baseball All-stars 2, and the soccer game. It
was refreshing. I hadn’t played videogames with her in a while. It was a good
day. Today however was boring.

I did
Algebra, and worked on my String Quartet. Other than that I watched wrestling with
every meal I ate. Saw Eddie G. face Kurt Angle at WrestleMania 20 and Chris
Beniot take on Shawn and HHH. It’s one
of my favorite WrestleManias I must say. WWE kind of sucks now. I like it
sometimes though, the only problem is I can’t really watch the episodes anymore
because none of them are on regular T.V. you have to buy cable which is stupid.
I remember they would always have Smack down on a regular network, but then it
switched. So now I’m lucky if I can catch it on a Spanish channel. Most of the time
I just watch highlights on YouTube…but still…it’s not the same.

On a side
note I did get clarification that G queasy did mail my letter of
recommendation…so all of them have. Whew. Only a few more weeks until my
audition/music theory placement test. I wonder how it’s all going to go. Hope
Acc gets their Timpani back or I’ll have to play it with music as half assed as
possible. I mean I know how to play it, it’s just a matter of practicing it.
Tomorrow John’s coming over for another Sunday. Sunday is usually a lazy day,
but I wanna do something tomorrow, even if it’s working on my String Quartet a
little bit. It’s almost done! Then I’ll enter it into a competition and maybe
it’ll touch someone…or at least waste their time. 15 mins of their time.

Phoenix
Splashed played today…every time we play I wonder why the hell aren’t we
getting gigs. We have literally hours of material. When I first thought of
Phoenix Splash I thought Chris would know where the places to play were, but he
hasn’t really done anything. He says he used to be in this big band and stuff
so you’d think that he’d know where to play, but sometime I think he lies about
that kind of stuff. He lies a lot actually when he’s talking about his day I
can tell 50% of it is a lie. Let’s not forget about Meryl and Jade…my God. I
guess it’s an ego thing. He has to have models…hey wait…I’ll be back.

October 12,
2014

Out of all
the people whom have bullied me...I think the biggest one is my own flesh and
blood brother Johnny. I don’t know when it started…maybe at birth, but he has
this unquestionable resentment towards me. He’s always had it…Mom says it’s
because he’s jealous of my “talent”…or that he’s just jealous in general. I say
that he’s just a dip shit. There’s really nothing he can do to change my mind
about it. I will go to my grave thinking he’s a dip shit…even when I’m dead and
he’s alive grieving, the last impression that I will have of him is the fact
that he is a dip shit. There are just too many bad memories of the things he
would do when he was living here. Hell even when he’s not living here…when I
see him, he’s a dip shit.

Today was an
awful waste of time. Sunday…he comes and he wants the day to be about him. All
the fucking time…when we go out to eat it has to be about him, when mom cooks
something it has to be in his fucking honor, otherwise a day like today will
happen. He will do everything in his power to make me look like the following
1. Stupid. 2. Ungrateful Son. 3. An asshole 4. A child. He will do everything
in his power to show that to Mom, Dad, and Chris as if it’s some stupid game.
Fuck him. Are you reading this John? Am I dead? Fuck you. Still from the bottom
of my dead unbeaten heart fuck you. I hope you’ve realized everything you’ve
done…but you probably just make up excuses or pretend to forget. Still…fuck you…because I have been bullied a
lot in life and it’s a damn shame you have to be the number one on my list of
people that have made my life hell. Are you shrugging like the asshole you are
at what I’m saying?

Nobody likes
you. They just love the shit that you give them and that includes Nicole. I
don’t love anything about you. You’re an awful person. Who does that? Who makes
their own brother hate himself on his own Birthday celebration? I’ll tell you…a
dip shit. All the stuff I want to say to you, but I’m too afraid to “hurt you”
when you don’t give a shit about what you say. Fuck you. I really wish you
weren’t my brother. I can’t wait till I move out and have a life of my own so
I’ll never have to see your sorry ass again. I know sometimes I say you’re okay
to be around and sometimes your bearable….but if you want to know what I really
think of you. Well. Now you know. (sigh)

I’m not
going to break down what exactly he did because I’ve been talking about it all day.
Just know that 4 step agenda and that’s what he did. Ugh I really hate putting
aside my work to pay attention to his ass. I don’t think I will anymore. I
could care less when he comes now. He did this last time too. Fuck him. All the
shit he’s done…fuck he hasn’t changed one bit and he will never change. I don’t
know why I give him a break…and once in a while try to get him involved with
Phoenix Splash…no more…that’s it. Fuck him. Chris has issues but at least he’s
actually someone who cares about me. His issues are probably temporary too…but
John…his are permanent. Man I really wish he was a good person. I WANT John to
be a good friend.

But
Damn…he’s not. He’s a dip shit. He’s an egotistical dip shit. His goal is to
make himself look good while making certain people look bad in certain people’s
eyes. That’s all he has to live for. THAT’s his passion. Not music. Not money.
Not romance. Being a dip shit is his passion in life. Honestly that’s fucking
sad. I really can’t wait till all this week is over. I don’t care if it means
it’s closer to my audition…anything’s better than this. I can’t wait till I
have a real fucking Birthday celebration…with Raeleen someone who actually
gives two shits about me. Everyone else just makes it about themselves. GODDAMN.
It’s a shame. When Phoenix Splash gets famous I want him nowhere near us. We’ll
have a no dip shit policy. We’ll get him back for what he said to us all those
years ago. “You’ll never be good at the guitar Chris” or “Josh you don’t know
what you’re doing”. Or the fucking constant fights he would have with me…ALL
BECAUSE I was recording my music. He wanted me to stop!? He would start fist
fights over that! Fuck him.

I don’t care
about his feelings anymore. Next time he wants to play with us. I’m just going to
say no. I don’t want him fucking up my songs or Chris’ songs. He wanted to be
an asshole then and still wants to be an asshole. Then no. no. no. no. Never.
Fuck him. You want a simple favor? You wanna borrow my shit so you could use it
for storage? Fine. I’ll be nice. I’ll GIVE you my old keyboard. You can pretend
I said you can borrow it. You can pretend that I made you pay me. I don’t give
a shit. I’ll tune your violin sure. I’ll do that even though you’re a dip shit
about it.

Will I let
you play music with me? No. Never again. Not seriously anyway…you’re just too
much of a dip shit. Sometimes Johnny asks what
I write about him in my journal. He always makes a girly voice(imitating
me) and says “Dear diary Johnny is so mean”. Ha ha it’s far worse. It’s more
like “Dear Diary, Johnny is a Dip Shit”.

October 13,
2014

Nothing
really happened today…strange…just had a usual Monday…hm…or maybe I’m just
being lazy. I started writing a short story so maybe that’s why I’m not really
in the mood to write…also Raeleen is pressuring me to sleep with her. No…not in
that way…yeah today everyone was kind of having an off day. The Timpani still
aren’t back yet so I didn’t get to practice them. Percussion ensemble practice
really didn’t happen because we individually practiced…

October 14,
2014

Today was my
birthday…I am now twenty two. You know everyone gets excited when they turn
twenty one well…everyone besides me. On their twenty first birthday, they drink
drink drink until their guts come out. That’s today’s society though. Twenty
Two is kind of a scary step. It’s a step towards not being “young” anymore.
Next thing that happens is that you blink and all of a sudden you’re thirty. I
guess that’s the way I see it though. I had a good birthday today. Mom cooked
stake and pancet and I ate it. She bought cake and we all ate. Mom, Dad, and
me…it felt good I actually felt like a kid so I guess I’m not really depressed.
Yeah I don’t really need a parade or a party. Sometimes all I really need is a
little attention I guess. The kind John and Dad always get. Sometimes I need it
too. I watched “Corpse Bride” and “Beetle Juice”. I never realized I’ve never
watched Beetle Juice, it’s always something that you hear about, but you know
it’s actually a good movie.

Then Raeleen
came and we celebrated. We didn’t play Neo Geo this time. I don’t know why, but
the time just flew by. I guess I was just so infatuated and excited to see her
on a day I normally don’t get to see her. We talked about flirting for some
reason, and who’ve we flirted with other than each other. I always try to get
her to tell me if she was ever jealous of someone, but I never really get that
solid answer. I mean I got jealous of so many people…I guess I want her to have
those same feelings…but I never really get those answers unless she just gives
in and says what I want to hear…making me feel like a child(which is cool). Her
brother apparently mentions me a lot…he knew my birthday and everything. So it’s good I get mentioned around there.
Yeah we’re a secret…but I don’t really care. It’s mainly only to her family.
All her friends basically know. I used to get the wrong idea about it, but it
makes sense. Her parents are just really odd I guess. I would be too if I had a
daughter.

One thing I
do need to do is buy her parents…I need to give them food and stuff. Why am I
saying this? Well apparently Rachel (Raeleen’s sister) went to the prom with
this one dude and that’s basically what he did. By the way things sound they
really liked him. I say “liked” because Rachel basically told the guy to go
away. That guy sounds strange…wished I remembered his name. When I went to
their house, Raeleen’s sisters always confused me. They always seem to have
their minds around relationships and what not. Then again maybe it was because
I was their top suspect for being Raeleen’s boyfriend. Hayden was also a
suspect. Just thought I’d type that horrible person’s name. Ha ha… I don’t
know, maybe that’s all there is to it.

On Facebook
people wished me happy birthday. It’s cool to see people I don’t really talk to
actually talk to me. There’s this one person whom I’ve never seen in my
life…she’s always the first to wish me the happy birthday. I think our mutual
friend was Karen… It’s cool to see old teachers and old friends wish good things
for me. There’s this other girl…dang I forgot her name…who I only talked to
once or twice and she always posts the birthday things. I know what you’re
thinking. “The people who don’t really talk to you probably wish everyone a
happy birthday” and you may be right…but seriously there’s no need to be a
smart ass…shame on you.

Yeah over
all this Birthday turned out good. Wish it didn’t have to have a test in the
background prowling there. I did study for it, and I SHOULD do well on it. I
don’t know though. I feel like sooner or later I’m going to screw up this class
like I did in high school with all my math classes. Maybe I’m a different me
now though. I mean I’ve never made grades as high as I do now. Maybe it’s part
of me being older. I still only really care about music, but I realize that I
have to go through tons of obstacles to get to where I need to be. So I will do
it. How are you today?

I just
realized I haven’t named you…ha…I know it’s weird, but ever since I started
I’ve been naming my journals. Nothing special in particular, but I’ve just
always named them whatever I wanted them to be. I completely forgot my lost
journal’s name, but I remember the red one’s was Sakura. What should it be? How
about “Departure”? I know it’s weird, but she has an image and no back story.
Yeah, she’s a character I made…but you know sometimes characters don’t need a
back story. Sometimes it’s best to just leave that all up to mystery. So it’s
you now Departure…I’ll be writing to you. You can judge me however you want. I
can’t control you. Well…I’ll leave it at
that. I’m feeling kinda tired. I’ll see you tomorrow.

October 15
2014

You know it
feels really good once a test is over with. It’s strange how my body has a
physical reaction to tests and performances. I shake, I get cold, and my
stomach hurts. I wish I didn’t have it and when I have a performance I really
have to master reversing these reactions…but on a test it’s okay to have them.
Once you’re taking the test, they slowly slip away once you’re

taking the
test and you see what you know. In a performance it’s a nightmare…even when
you’ve practiced you could still have a total train wreck. Let us hope that
doesn’t happen. I don’t know why, but my mind has been around Religion lately.
You know here in Texas, the majority of people around me all believe in him,
but no matter how much I’ve tried I just can’t. I know I say I’m agnostic, but
really I lean more towards the side that he doesn’t exist. The good thing about
it is that no one really brings up religion…but at the same time I want people
to bring up religion…because there’s so much I can learn from it. Plus if
someone bashes me I can tear them apart with logic. That’s one aspect I’ve
realized religion fails at. Faith can only go so far. Try taking a test without
studying for it and only have faith that you’ll pass. We’ll see how far you go.

I guess I
really like to think a lot. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell is interesting
though. It would be nice if that’s really how the world worked…but that’s just
not what life is really teaching us is it? When people die, it’s not destined
or anything. People just die randomly and that’s that. What happens after that?
I hope spirits live forever, but maybe we just disappear. I hear reincarnation
has some cases where it’s been proven, but I don’t see scientist really talking
about them…much like I don’t see scientist really talking about the
“undecomposed bodies of catholic priests”. I forget what they’re called. I know
I think a lot about this. I guess it started when I wanted to kill myself. I
just didn’t know what would happen. Would I just disappear? Or would I travel
out of my body.

If I did
travel out of my body, then I wouldn’t be able to think and I wouldn’t be able
to feel or believe in anything. That’s because my brain would still be in my
body. So I suppose it would be a really strange experience. Can you imagine
being an insect? Everything that you did relied on instinct. I imagine it would
be something like that. I like watching scientists and physicists talk about
things like that. Michio Kaku and Neil Tyson are ones I particularly like. I’m
not saying I’m as smart as them, but they come to the same conclusions for the
most part that I do. Sometimes I’ll watch their interviews on the internet and
see all of the discussions. I would really like to see one of them talk to Dr.
Steve about it.

It’s crazy I
know of a lot of smart Atheists that can actually prove everything that they
say. Dr. Steve is like that but with Religion…but you know even the things that
he says I kind of just blah at. I should say what I think now though. I mean
he’s already wrote the letter of recommendation and I’ve already taken his
class. Ha ha…I guess it would make sense that I can just say. “Yeah I don’t
believe in that”…because I don’t you know. If life is supposed to teach us
anything I think that they’re the following.

1. We will
never know for sure about anything.

2. Random
things happen to good people and random things happen to bad people. We’re all
just victims of circumstance.

3. Good and
evil are totally unidentifiable. Yin and Yang say it best. Every good has some
evil and every evil has some good. It’s impossible to be completely good. I’m
sure even Dr. Steve has done things he’s regretted.

4. Nothing
is ever certain. Everything has a percentage. We cannot predict the future with
100% accuracy. Who knows maybe I’ll be a drug addict tomorrow or in a few
months. Nobody knows and nobody can predict.

That’s all I
have for now. Keep in mind whenever I’m writing an entry it’s just my opinion,
so don’t take it the wrong way. I’d love for some awesome loving caring perfect
being to exist…but think about it. It’s a lot to ask for. I’ll probably never
believe in that. To me bible stories are all bull shit. Maybe in a few millenniums,
Jehovah or God will be comparable to Zues. Who’s to say he’s not real? You
know? It’s like I said before though. Nothing is ever certain and to think
something is certain is foolish.

October 16,
2014

Today was a
good day. Concert band was funner than it usually was. Funner is a word now. I
don’t care what anyone says. Yeah, also I finally finished putting Enola on the
keyboard and just a little while ago I was editing a new Phoenix Splash Video.
So Yeah I did quite a lot today. I always feel good when I do a lot. One thing
I do need to do tomorrow is study music theory. Apparently I have to take a
placement test at the University. (sigh). Why don’t I just try out for a record
company? Ha. Yeah. I really hate colleges… all of them…but whatever life goes
on. I love this new program I’m using. It makes me think of all the things I
can do. I can see why so many people review games for a living. A video like a
review would be so easy to make.

In Concert
Band we have this percussion steel thing that we’re doing. I could tell that
Joe and the other guys don’t really like it, but I really like it. Not just
because I get a lil solo. Hell I just realized I’ve been getting lots of those.
I mean it must be hard to find pieces where the mallet percussion is shown off.
Maybe it’s all just circumstance. So yeah that’s pretty cool. G always makes me
feel like a good musician. He’s probably done the most to my self-esteem out of
all of my teachers I’ve ever had. I know you might not believe it…especially if
you hate me, but I do not get a hot head while I play music. There’s no room
for it. So when people call me good or something, I really take it to
heart…most of the time I return the compliment. Guys like Ethan though, my
goodness. If you tell them they’re good, they’ll smile and say “Yeah I know” or
something. That’s why I don’t compliment someone unless I know their
personality. Like Moe, I thought he was stuck up…but he’s actually not
arrogant. He would complement people and he never thought anyone was bad…oh
wait, he did think Anthony was a bad drummer. Anthony is

a great
drummer. Now Icky Hollow has this heavy hitter whom I’m surprised doesn’t break
his set up.

People like
to put me in a category where I’m not a drum set player, I’m more of a piano
player…or I’m not a piano player I’m more of a drummer. That’s always happened
to me. The fact is I play both why try to categorize it? It goes the same for
marimba. I kind of hate that. You know being a percussionist isn’t as easy as
people want to believe it is. We have to play so many instruments…I don’t see
why we even have to play piano. If all piano is for is to us learn the ways of
a keyboard, then why do we have to play marimba. Does a harpist have to know
piano? That’s an interesting question. I think so, but they shouldn’t.

Man it’s
already two o’clock…damn. Well I’m starting to like my Thursdays. I like being
alone a lot…just out. Maybe I’ll have an adventure or two. Go to a bar? I was
thinking about it, but with my looks and stupid rednecks anything can happen.
Then again they’d just ignore me. Yeah I love Thursdays. My mom is cool but
sometimes we go shopping and she takes forever to buy things. Always looking at
the prices you know? I understand wanting to get a good deal, but when he’s
making comparisons usually it’s only a few cents off. I know I know…it all adds
up…but that’s fifteen minutes you could have worked. So depending on your job,
you’re just wasting money yes? I don’t know. Yes I love my Mom. I’m glad we’re
taking Algebra together. I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am.

Well I’ll
suppose I’ll leave it at that. Raeleen’s gonna come again tomorrow. I don’t
know what we’ll do. Depending on how long she stays will determine that I
suppose. I better get some sleep because I think she’s coming early. Well take
care. Man the cool thing about typing is that you can see the word count. I’m
always astonished by progress. I like seeing big numbers. Give me a game where
the objective is to get a high score and I’ll play it for days…this kind of
gives off the same feeling. It’s 24 pages…and 12351 words…and counting
wow…amazing. Hope I can find my other
journal though. Oh I shouldn’t go to bed with that on my mind. Last time I did
I ended up staying up all night looking for it. Maybe Olivia has it (my other
cousin). She’s turning into a mean preppy girl…kinda reminds me of Chris when
he was little. Skinny people love to call other people fat. I would say that
what comes around comes around…but look at Chris. He’s still not obese. Maybe
he’ll marry a Mexican girl and she’ll fatten him up.

October 17,
2014

I’ll say it
before and I’ll say it again, the October weather is simply amazing. Everything
is just at the right temperature and nothing seems to be uncomfortable. It’s
not too cold and it’s not too hot. Everything is just right. I love it. It
feels nostalgic somehow. I can’t explain it. I get the feeling that we’re going
to the valley where my grandma lives…but my cousins weren’t born

yet…We were
the brats that the adults had to deal with. Now when we go over there it’s
usually baby sit babysit…I miss the days when we were kids and it was all about
having fun.

Nowadays
people ask you those questions that you would have loved to answer as a kid…but
today now that you’re twenty two, you hate answering them. I had a conversation
the other day with Joseph on Wednesday and we were talking about this sort of
thing. I can tell he’s a little bit like me in the passion side. We talked
about how people want to make everything realistic and force us into something
that we don’t want to do. Just like my family…they see me being a “band
director” because that’s the safest rout to go and you’ll get paid well. I just
hate the concept of marching band. It’s bearable, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s
like a core class I guess. You just had to get through it. It would be idiotic
for me to become one. Not to mention my Band directors themselves were
just…weird.

When I talk
about them I always say that “they hated me”. Well I don’t think Mr. Pair hated
me, Mr. Scott maybe had a little hatred towards me…but they were just…weird.
Even Mr. Beiner was weird. You remember Grant right? That’s Mr. Beiner. I
remember always writing about him in my first few journals. Even he was weird.
They seemed to have this weird liking towards Amanda….the Asian one. I don’t
know. I noticed it, but didn’t think too much of it….my goodness especially
those percussionist that came to teach us for a summer. They would take
pictures of her and she would pose(few months later one of them got arrested
for showing his penis to a fifteen year old girl).

I didn’t see
anything with Mr. Pair, but with Mr. Scott and Mr. Beiner, sometimes it would
be weird…and not just with Amanda, but with other girls too…sigh…men. Amanda
just had to step in the doors for her to get in the top band, but me, I really
had to work harder than I should have. It was fucking stupid. I don’t want to
be surrounded by people like that do I? Mr. Pair…I really don’t know how he did
it. He was always considered the “mean one” but at least he wasn’t considered
the creepy ones. Now that Amanda has graduated, I remember them liking pictures
of her in a bikini…just Scott and Beiner(actually I don’t remember seeing Mr.
Pair there). There have been other Band director pedophiles that I’ve seen in
person. That Mr. McDonald guy also showed someone his penis(seriously why do
people keep doing that?).

No. I’m not
afraid of “becoming” a pedophile. It’s more like, I’d be working with them and
I’d have to work with that crap. I’m sure it’s not just my old school
either…I’ve heard stories. Yeah that’s just gross. My passion is music…not
flirting with high school girls. Keep in mind I could be wrong about Mr. Scott,
and Grant…maybe it’s just all in my head…but probably not. I still have that
pedophile’s timpani mallets too(not Grant, the one that got arrested). I never
gave them back when he let me borrow them.

They’re junk
anyway. Yeah I have them, but I’ve never been in a situation where I had to use
them…except for that marching band crap. I’ve seen musicians determined to get
younger girls. Like Ethan…he’s just an accident waiting to get arrested. I don’t
want to be around that. “Oh yeah I worked with him”. I would say, “He kept
flirting with one of his students and when he told me he was going to rape her,
I couldn’t help myself, I had to kill him”. Then that would be the end of this
tale.

Raeleen came
today and we had fun…just like on my birthday…which reminds me, I have to get
around to reading that new Swamp Thing comic…but yeah it was a pretty good day.
Just working on never ending projects it seems. I’ll see ya tomorrow.

October 19,
2014

Just add one
more day. Man…looks like I’m going to be extremely busy. I only get one more
weekend before my audition and my Theory test. So I need to get crackin harder
than I’ve ever had. This will start an intense training method that I sometimes
put myself through. Study, and practice. Rinse and repeat. Nothing will get in
the way. A lot of people don’t get into U of H so I’m just going to assume that
they’re extremely picky. They probably are. Oh here comes the stress.

It’s
something that’s been building up since I’ve started typing this journal huh?
So this will be my first test in this generation of thought. I’m going to bust
my ass everyday next week. This probably means that most of the things that I
am doing will probably have to be on hold…but maybe I can do them at night
which is usually me preparing to sleep. Yeah, writing my thoughts keep them
away from my brain at night.

Right now
I’m watching wrestling…an old video tape. Yeah it’s old school. I have a lot of
old WWF wrestling tapes…and I have one WCW tape. The one I’m watching is King
of the Ring 1998. You know…the one that Mankind got thrown off the cell and
through it. Kane also wins the title, and Shamrock makes the Rock tap out. So
yeah, both the Rock and Stone Cold lose in this one. There’s always something I
forget in these like a cool match. This one had Owen Hart versus X Pac which I
don’t remember ever seeing. It turned out to be pretty good.

Aside from
that, it was another Sunday. John was less condescending than usual so I’m not
totally pissed off…with enough days where he’s “okay” I might just forget he
was a dip shit to begin with. I did get frustrated today, but that was because
I kept losing at a video game. Ha. Yeah I like to win. I like feeling that way
too. It’s a different kind of frustration than last Sunday because it excites
me and makes me apply that energy to something…or just helps me analyze
myself…and that feeling when you finally win…feels so good…but I didn’t. They
didn’t even give me a chance. Ha. I did feel it when I teamed up with Chris and
took some AI opponents down.

That’s the
thing with John. He doesn’t like to see me “win” at anything…which is why we
had all those fights when I recorded music. He saw music as some kind of
completion and I guess he couldn’t “keep up” with what I was doing so…his
solution was to “slow me down”. I put these in quotes because people have these
same thoughts in common with me. Who you ask? Well everyone actually. Maybe
that’s why I don’t forgive people for what they do, because I know in a heartbeat
that they would do it again.

I remember I
think it was Friday…Raeleen told me that no matter what Hayden would be at our
wedding…and so would Khoa and any other idiot whom may have pissed me off. This
isn’t the first time she’s brought this up. I always say “no” because that’s
just stupid…and it is just stupid. This time I joked around about it saying
that I would tell them “I won” at the wedding…if I were an ass that’s the thing
I’d do…but it’s out of character for me kind of (with big things anyway).
Whenever I disprove someone’s ideals I just look at them. They know it and I
know it…I won. I did that at TMEA when I shook everyone’s hand even though they
were all jerks to me (first year). I did that when x(even though I was in the 2^nd
band) I made it state in middle school and high school. I don’t know how many
times I’ve done that to John (with regards to music). I will keep doing it.

For the
weddings purposes though, what would be the point? I think not inviting them
would be better no? The fact that they wouldn’t be invited would be telling
them. “Yeah I won now get out of my life” they’re not my brothers…I don’t have
to “deal” with them like I do Johnny. I don’t care if they’re “like brothers”
to Raeleen. They’re not to me. I don’t live with them, I don’t love them so
what’s the point of inviting them. You tell me “Well that was a long time ago”.
I don’t care…like I said before…if I had a time machine and sent them back in
time they would have done the exact same thing…and still lost. Thank God
marriage isn’t right down the line…actually another monster is…the audition.

So…tomorrow
I’ll practice like hell…mainly percussion and music theory. Piano will probably
have to be another day. Whew…can’t wait actually. I find it satisfying to get
better…even though it’s with instruments that no one really cares about except
band nerds. (even then…). Hope you’re doing fine.

October 20,
2014

It’s days
like this where I want to kill myself.
Those moments where everyone wants you to die…it makes you just want to
die. Bull shitters bull shit. Why don’t I just kill myself? Why do I have to
live in a world where I’m not accepted? Ha…suicide note. Gets me thinking about
that

song. Now I
feel like I have some material for it anyway. My parents make me feel like
killing myself…today especially…man all against Josh. Make sure he’s not happy.
Make sure that he feels as stupid as he can be. 911 was a lie. No don’t say
that. God doesn’t exist? No don’t say that. It’ll just turn everyone against
you. Maybe I should move out. Maybe I should leave Texas. I really hate it
here. I can understand why people blow up churches. They think they know every
fucking thing about me…hell no they don’t.

I called out
for help in middle school and they ignored it. They ignore me…I don’t have a
fucking clue why.

October 21,
2014

You might be
wondering why I just stopped writing yesterday. That’s because I felt so
negative and I felt like I should have a “win” that day…and towards the end of
the day I did. The reason I was upset yesterday is because I was being told not
to be myself yesterday by Chris and Mom. I was told that I should believe in
God…and if I don’t then I should just say I do. It sounds like a simple
argument, but everything was said in the worst ways possible. From this I
learned two things. 1. No matter what people will be stubborn if they are
religious. Even if you call out reason they will just ignore it because they
are afraid of “not knowing everything”. In their minds they believe that
without God, there would be chaos. The problem with that is that there is chaos
and there is war…but I digress. 2. People will say things just so other people
will like them. Chris…Jade is a lie. Meryl is a lie. They’ve never existed. I
learned this yesterday after Mom and Chris made me really angry.

Like I said
before I felt like I needed a victory and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep
without one. So I went on a quest to find out if Jade was real or fake. I found
my answer. They first step was finding that default picture. I had remembered
that John had found a picture comparing this Asian girl before and after she
put make up on (this was a long time ago). The “After” picture was “Jade”. Chris obviously cropped the picture using
Photoshop…and made it the default to this fake MySpace page named Jade. I found
the picture yesterday and surprisingly it wasn’t hard to find. I put it in Google
search and found its origins. It was to promote a make up (obviously). When
Chris was shown this picture by Johnny he stated that Jade knew of the photo
and that it was “fake”. The opposite however is the case. The girl in the
before picture is actually the same girl in the after picture. You can tell by
the nose and the mouth of the young lady. I even got Raeleen to look at it(an
expert). She’s the one who’s made me certain…how about you take a look?