1.When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.
2.Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.
3.When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
4.You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
5.Dyslexics Of The World Untie.
6.Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
7.Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
8.Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
9.Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
10.Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
11.If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.
12.Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
13.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
14.The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
15.The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
16.Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
17.This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
18.Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
19.I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.
20.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
21.We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
22.We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
23.Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
24.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
25.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
26.Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
27.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
28.A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
29.Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
30.Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
31.Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
32.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
33.Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
34.I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
35.When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
36.You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
37.I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
38.With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
39.Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
40.2 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
41.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
42.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
43.What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.
44.All extremists should be taken out and shot.
45.Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.