DaFranker

1 comment by DaFranker on Feb 23rd, 2009 digg this super bookmark

Plenty of stuff to talk about here, but I've been just too busy/lazy to write 'em up... until now, I guess.

In chronological order, then.

A little while ago, I had an internal discussion with... myself? Remember when, in my last blog post, I talked about how I felt more and more separated from what I used to think I was? Turns out it's almost clear now, and I was there "shooting stuff into my subconscious" and analyzing the thoughts that popped back up, which is the closest I'll ever have to a conversation between different personalities in my own mind, and it provided me with one clear point that is quite irrefutable from where I stand (or sit, meh): Even though I'm drifting to become a subjective personality construct and it is becoming an independent core and I hate the idea of not being that core and losing my objectivity, it still is the most efficient and powerful way to handle things within my mind... so I'm stuck between my personal interests and... my personal interests? Basically, it's a dilemma inside me on whether or not I should prioritize the conscious-self me that is gradually becoming an amalgam of personalities or prioritize instead the me person as a whole including potential other personalities but therefore relinquish, at least partially, what I hoped to become as a conscious being.

Try and solve that. Should I prioritize me or should I instead favor me?

Next up, I've come to the realization that in my current state (it's possible that it has something to do with the above, but then again, it might just not) I am simply incapable of feeling "love" or "infatuation" or any other kind of real bond with any of the people I see everyday, which means getting a crush on that cute girl in English or French class is something of an alien concept to me right now. The problem is that I KNOW how things work, consciously rather than subconsciously as most people do. When I see something I like, I don't have the simple inkling that I like it out of "well, it must be my personnality"... no, I have an exact, precise, definite list of reasons and I could draw you a mathematical flowgraph or logical bit chart of the causality steps involved in my liking/disliking of "x" concept/particular item. This counts for people. Love being an extension of that on a much greater (we're talking almost the entire neural structure, where everything gets attached to a certain person to grant that person priority and value, and in turn that person is linked with positive experiences/thoughts -- it's a sort of complex web where all the structurally-important strands are all connected to ONE strand that is the object/person which you truly love, thus giving it that much more importance -- and I'm vulgarizing here, because I know that's not exactly how it works... *sigh* this is a fucking blog, not my latest psychological paper), I can see signs of the links and neural patterns involved long before I can say I'm really even remotely interested. And I can do whatever I want with those patterns. Essentially, yes, I'm saying I can DECIDE to fall in love or not because of what I know. *sigh*

That makes finding love, and by extension, a partner I'd actually like being with, rather difficult (if not impossible). If you don't understand the "by extension"... read my previous philosophical rants, read up on Plato, and you'll eventually make the connections. Hah! I pulled a pun on love using Plato and neurobiology! Go me.

Then, last friday, one of my friends got dumped. I spent last night at his house just trying to get him in decent psychological shape and helping him rearrange his mind so it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I did help a bit, but hey, he's not me, so this is gonna be harsh for him. I'm dead tired, though, and I felt a little drunk even though I was technically sober. Probably my brain sending defensive chemicals because this sure brought up tons of memories (particularly of the time I had with my ex). I'm not saying I'm still hurting from that break-up, I'm fully back on my feet... it was just an intense nostalgia, sort of, something I'm surely going to feel for the rest of my life whenever I think back to that time.

Turns out I am getting bored with writing this. There's other stuff that happened too, but I think this is long enough. I might talk about the rest another time. Besides, a friend wants my attention.