Reaping the Whirlwind news - Humor, satire, parody

Disclaimer: I don't own Battlestar Galactica or Stargate SG1. And I certainly do not own... well, just read it.

Reaping the Whirlwind

Summary: The Colonials invade Earth, but not for the reasons you may think.

A/N: I wrote this mainly because of all those '12 Colonies invade Earth cuz of religion' fics. I think that if the Colonials are going to invade us, they should at least have a GOOD reason for doing so. Something that would make us sympathetic to their cause.

So enjoy:

Stargate Command

"So let me get this straight," said General Landry, gazing around the conference table. "These Colonials simply opened fire on the Odyssey without any provocation whatsoever?"

An awkward silence followed as Colonel Mitchell, Colonel Carter, and Dr. Jackson exchanged uncomfortable looks with each other.

Mitchell was the first to speak. "Well, not exactly, sir."

"I wouldn't call it 'without provocation', sir," added Carter.

"There was a... misunderstanding," said Jackson.

"Misunderstanding?" Landry glared at them. "What sort of misunderstanding?"

"Well, as you know," replied Jackson, "during our meeting with the Colonials, we agreed to share information about Earth with them."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," said Mitchell with a shrug.

"But it turned out to be a big mistake," Carter finished.

"How so?" asked Landry.

"The Colonials were deeply offended by some of the information we sent," explained Jackson. "In fact, they regarded it as heresy."

"Heresy?" Landry groaned in annoyance. "Please don't tell me we have to fight another civilization of overzealous religious psychopaths."

Jackson shook his head. "Actually no, it wasn't religion that was the problem. The Colonials are nothing like the Ori or the Goa'uld. Their society has a clear separation of church and government, much like our own-"

"Then what was it?" an impatient Landry interrupted. "What offended them so greatly that they attacked you?"

Mitchell, Carter and Jackson all exchanged looks again.

This time, it was Carter who broke the silence. "Well, sir, during the information exchange, someone sent the Colonials a digital copy of the entire... the entire..." She trailed off, as if unable to continue.

"The entire what, Colonel?" Landry demanded.

With a resigned sigh, Carter leaned over and whispered something into his ear. The general's eyes widened in shock and outrage.

"WHAT?" he exclaimed, "Did you just say-?"

Carter nodded. "Yes, sir."

"The entire series?"

"Yes, sir."

"Including the last book?"

"Including the last book, sir."

Landry felt like he was going to be sick. "Dear God..." He sighed out loud and attempted to recompose himself. "Well, at least you got out of there in one piece. With any luck, this incident won't have any serious repercussions-"

An Air Force tech suddenly burst into the room.

"General!" the tech gasped frantically, "A fleet of alien warships was just detected entering our system. They're broadcasting a message to the entire planet."

Before Landry could respond, a man's voice (or was it a woman's?) boomed over the loudspeaker:

"People of the Thirteenth Tribe, this is Admiral Nagala of the Colonial Liberation Fleet, speaking for the Twelve Colonies of Man. We are here on a sacred and holy mission to liberate you from the heretical lies and deceits that plague your world. You have been taught that vampires are brooding, angst-ridden high school boys who sparkle in the sunlight and fall in love with shallow, emotionally unstable teenage girls. You have also been deceived into believing that vampires - despite being the living dead and therefore having no viable means of reproduction - can father hybrid mutant children that are instant magnets for bitter, pedophilic werewolves. In the name of the Gods, we shall abolish these vile teachings and bring to justice those responsible for spreading this blasphemy!"

The transmission ended. A bleak silence descended upon the conference room. Carter and Jackson were both grim-faced. Landry was positively horrified.

Mitchell, however, was grinning.

"You know," he said, "this might not actually be such a bad thing..."

A/N: I sincerely apologize to any Twilight fans who happen to have read this.

A/N2: I've noticed that Admiral Nagala is male in some fics, and a woman in others. I've decided to go with both - or none.