A military pilot called for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."
A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was
waiting to take off. When the private pilot noticed that the C-5 was
closer to him than normal, he asked tower what the intentions of the
C-5 was. Several seconds later, a voice came over the radio as the
C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you!"
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers,
taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway,
GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.
Pilot: "Pilot to tower...I am 300 miles from land...600 feet over
water...and running out of fuel...please instruct!"
ATC: "Tower to pilot...repeat after me: Our Father, which art in
ATC: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!
ATC: November 2115L, are you a Cessna?
2115L: No, sir...I am a male Hispanic.
A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and
generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you
can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
ATC: "Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading."
Ghost 53Z (Flying in a T-38 Trainer): "Ooh, up, sir."
ATC: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
ATC: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make
a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I
Pilot: "Uh tower we'll need 6L for departure."
ATC: "Ok - so you want the 9,000 foot runway instead of the 8,999 foot
Note: In the below conversation, WN is the IATA designator code for
Skyhawk:"Albuquerque Tower, Skyhawk 62507 is with you for 17."
ATC: "Skyhawk 507, runway 17 cleared to land, wind 150 at 4."
Skyhawk: "Cleared to land 17, Skyhawk 507."
WN: "Albuquerque Tower, Southwest XXX holding short at 8 for IFR to
ATC: "Southwest XXX, position and hold runway 8, traffic is a Cessna
172 landing runway 17 on a ten-mile final."
WN: "Position and hold, runway 8... did you say a ten-mile final for
WN: "Southwest XXX, in position on 8, will wait for the Cessna."
ATC: "That's mighty kind of you, Southwest XXX."
WN: "Anyone got a deck of cards?"
Skyhawk: "Skyhawk 507, we're pedaling as fast as we can."
ATC (exasperated): "Take your time, Skyhawk 507."
Pilot: XXXXX with you requesting FL600.
ATC: Well sir, if you can get up there its all yours.
Pilot: Well actually sir, we'll be descending to it.
*Silence on the radio*
The aircraft turned out to be an SR-71 Blackbird returning from a