A man was leaving a convenience
store with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a
leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking
single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.. "Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
________
During a recent password audit, it was found that this gal was using the
following password:
"Mickey Minnie Pluto Huey Louie Dewey Donald Goofy Sacramento" <--- (I had to separate the names because it wouldn't let me have an 80 character word).
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at
least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
(Must've been blonde lol)
_______
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see
what it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came
from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around
while the letter was opened. It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post
Office.
Sincerely yours
Edna
___________
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
_________
I was so depressed last night thinking about the bleak economy, all the wars, the job I lost, my bad investments, Social Security and retirement funds going away, horrific national Medical Insurance, etc....., that I called up Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan...
I told them I was suicidal. .........................
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_______
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m.., a bit loaded, i headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in th hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, i told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem angry in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When i asked him why, he said,
'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit!' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cukooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
_________
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'ASSHOLE!!' Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States ."
Damn I love this truck...
_______
The Hair Cut...
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week..' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it!
___________
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
_____________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
_______
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
______
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_______
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
_____
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
____
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
______
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_______
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
_____
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
______
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_____
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
______
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
______
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
_________
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun,
you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
____
'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, 12 Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house... They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your Firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun.)
_________
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . . .?? WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a 1 second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a 2 second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 3 second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a 1 second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a 1 second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a 1 second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it dislodges from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3 second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it had originally been. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!
____________
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a nightlight, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
_______________
"Water Rep"
So this Department of Water Resources representative
stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for
your water allocation.
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field
over there."
The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me. See this
card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER
I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked
or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies
the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is
the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is
clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately
throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs.....
"Your card! Show him your card!"
_________________________________
Hilarious! Especially the IRS joke.