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We're here to give you opportunities of your lifetime, it's only up to you if you're brave enough to take them up!

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Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Scrooge McDuck and we at McDuck Properties realtor agency wish to offer you real solutions to your needs and woes in the middle of this global housing crisis. Increasingly unaffordable prices and a constant quality slump plague our modern world as more and more people fail to find their own place of living and choose to stay with their parents instead, leading to an uncertain future. Let's leave that future in the past. I'm officially putting on display four of the best offers from our latest line of real estate choice. Browse, purchase, live, never regret!

Item one: House of the Damned. You can see our list opens with a very big oomph, as our first piece of merchandise stands among the plains of Hell itself! One of our finest architects brings you five floors of sheer brimstone. Most of them are rather small and cozy, only barely reaching 25% of available map editor space, except the last one which is rather sprawling and will satisfy your desire to live large both thru its size and variety in wall design. And of course, the entire thing is filled with souls of the damned. Meaning who, you might ask? Why, First Encounter Nazis of course. And their dogs. Floors 3-1 and on are especially filled to the brim with those pleasant companions who already yearn to accommodate you and the entire family. The place is ready for you! And cheap! Call us to find out about the price!


house damned 1

House of the Damned

Having thus introduced one of the greatest hit of the market, let us move to an even greater hit: House of Pain! There's three full First Encounter floors to live in (really big and intricate ones too), and get this, you even receive ownership of a small part of the street and several small adjacent buildings! Can you comprehend what an incredible deal this is? As the name suggests, this house is presented mostly with fans of - let's say - a certain lifestyle in mind, but of course adventurous souls are free to experiment even if they don't normally fancy themselves discipline aficionados. Do note that the object is staffed (rather predictably) by Germans. These particular Jerries come from the Swiss SS headquarters where they used to run the most infamous torture chambers in all Europe, so you know they're perfectly equipped for the task. However, we must inform you with great sorrow that Gretel Grosse, who used to successfully run many an establishment of this type, is no longer with us; you will have to deal with her brother, Hans, instead. But you don't mind, do you? That would be improper.

Brian Jones, with the help of Bill Tompkins

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House of Pain

I can tell you're already wide-eyed, so you're going to be outright shocked when you find out that we also have the Mansion of Trial on sale. Yes, a MANSION! What do you say to that? What do you say to four luxurious First Encounter floors? One of our foremost foreign architects designed them so they start out small and simple, but gradually increase in complexity, variety and difficulty, affording a nice sense of progression. But wait, why do I mention difficulty and what's up with that "trial" thing anyway? Well, you see, there's a gimmick involved. In order to reach the top floor, you will have to overcome certain obstacles. Said obstacles are mostly Nazis guarding keys. We chose Nazis because they are stalwart, sporting folks always up for a challenge. Can you make it all the way up there and claim the mansion as fully your own?

Yohei Sasaki

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Wolfenstein Mansion of Trial

And speaking of mansions, it's time for our last offer and it is truly the offer to end all offers, the masterstroke, the ultimate deal. The Mansion... of Atrocities. Dun dun DUNNN! An incredible TEN full-blown First Encounter floors await you in this astonishing manor, and I'll be honest here, most of it is either rather rectangular or somewhat mazy, but you'll be hard pressed to find so many rooms and passages for such a low price. Think of all the storage and living space! One small kink is, you will have to share this Lebensraum with a number of gentlemen from you-know-which-country. Let me tell you, you have probably never seen this many people dressed in blue in your entire life. But you know what they say, sharing is caring. Or... do you really care? Maybe it's time for them to go? Heh, heh... Do note that since both Mansions were designed by Japanese architects, any appended documentation is written in illegible moonrunes, but in this case, a translation of its history was gracefully provided. Did you know the place used to be inhabited by Nazis at some point? Yeah, now it's just regular Germans living here. Apparently there's a difference.

Kazushige Matsuno

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Mansion of Atrocities

Are you ready to buy? Prepared to change your life forever? Make your choice, click the right clicky thing and you will be directed to a secure website. You'll be required to fork out all the cash in advance, but trust me, it's worth it. Live on your own. Live the life. And live it by the gun. Go.


lol this reads like a high-effort shitpost rather than an update

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