What am I supposed to write? I make maps for CoD4. Does anything else matter?
Posted by obiwanbul on Sep 10th, 2010
With Jack Thompson triing stop the relase of the new Medal of Honor, video game controversy is once again in the air, now his statement is:
"With all respect for everything else on your plate, but as someone who has represented the surviving family members of such videogame-caused massacres, I personally urge you, as Secretary of Defense, to do what is necessary, proper, and legal to stop the release of Medal of Honor on October 12 on the basis that it poses a demonstrable danger to our troops by providing a training tool for those who wish to kill them," Thompson wrote. "I would also strongly suggest that the Defense Department find out who these Special Ops people are who have acted so foolishly in this regard [by consulting on the game]."
Now in case you dont understand all these long words or are just too lazy to read it, he wants the ban of Moh because you can play as a Taliban, and that the game can be used to train terrorists. Now many people may laugh at this but this is actually a really serious issue, infact I have exclusive information on how video games influence soldiers on the field. This is the story of Pvt. Jonny Nukem, as former US marine that was in Iraq and saw all these influences first hand, the following is in his own words:
"I remember when I first saw an enemy soldier, my squad was walking through a canyon, one of my comrades looked at my M4 and said:
- Dude when did you kill 150 talibans to unlock the ACOG scope?
- Um I didnt kill anyone I just got it like this.
- What? You fucking BOOSTER! Hey guys this guys is a frigging booster!
( mean looks from the entire squad )
- Guys, what is a booster?
All of a sudden two talibans jump out from the nearby rocks and start bunnyhopping left and right, firing their sniper rifles, but due to the high recoil they cant hit anyone. All of the US soldiers except for Jonny go prone and start aiming, but wont shoot because the two talibans wont stop moving.
Finnaly Jonny uses his M203 and kills the two talibans with one shot. The first taliban dies instantly the other just barely tries to talk, Jonny could barely make out the insurgent last words:
- GL NOOB! - and then he dies
Jonny: What did he meant by that?
Sergeant Bob Pwner: Whats your fucking problem, cant you read the rules!? No GL!
Jonny: But sir, they were gonna kill us.
Us Soldier: Pussy.
1 hour later, the squad reaches a Iraqi village, the mayor of the village welcomes the US soldiers as liberators, unfortuantely he doesnt speak english and:
Sgt. Bob Pwner: This is english speaking server noob, speak english or kick!
Mayor: Me no speaking english.
Cpl. Manhattat Manslaughter: Kick that motherfucker!
Said and done Sgt. Pwner turns the mayor around and kicks him from behind. The mayor turns around and yells something that causes all the villagers to run away and a group of insurgents show up seemingly from nowhere and attack our heroes, Jonny and his squad start firing back, Jonny takes cover behind one of the buildings, while the rest of his squad start doing weird tactics, some start jumping in zig-Zag mode, others lay down and start spraying with their smgs, and 1 soldier starts jumping next to the wall of one of the buildings.
Jonny: Mac, what are you doing? Take cover! They are going to shoot you!
Pvt. Mac MacMaggots: Dont worry, Im just triing the glich that helps you get on the rooftop.
Lucky for our heroes the insurgent squad had only practised on the PS3, hence they were used to having autoaim, and figured that that its enough to press the trigger and the weapon would kill the us soldiers automatically, unfortunately their weapons didnt have that feature. Then one marine stands up and kills the attackers with perfect headshots, after which he lays down his weapon and proudly says:
Pvt. H3@D$h0T M@$t3r: Axis eliminated! Allies Win!
Jonny: Hey that was awesome, where did you learn to shoot so good?
M@$t3r: Ive been pwning noobs since the CS 1.6 Beta.
Jonny: Thats good/I guess. With you on our side well surely survive this mission.
Ma$t3r: Damn Im outta ammo.
Jonny: Here you can take my spare clip.
Ma$t3r: You can give ammo, but your not Support Class? Do you have the One man Army Perk?
Jonny: Im I dont think so.
Ma$t3r: Oh dont worry Ill just kill myself and respawn with more ammo.
With no hesitation Pvt. Ma$t3r takes one of his grenades, throws it in his feet, and sure enough the grenade kills him.
Sgt Pwner: What the hell was that?
Jonny: Sir, Master was killed by a grenade.
Sgt. Pwner: What!? Dont tell me those motherfuckers had Martydrop!
Jonny: No sir, Master said he was gonna kill himself so that he can respawn with more ammo.
Sgt. Pwner: Oh thats OK, this server has a respawn delay, yesterday another guy killed himself and has yet to respawn, he probably disconnected.
Jonny: But sir...
Before our hero can say anything else a big flash comes from the village water tower that kills Mac MacMaggots.
Sgt. Pwner: Sniper! Take cover!
Jonny: Sir, i can wait until he reloads and flank him!
Sgt. Pwner: No! He may have Sleight of Hand Pro! We'll wait.
Jonny: We can try using a decoy to lure his fire and then shoot him.
Sgt. Pwner: No! He could have a Wall Hack! I said stay here! He is bound to come out eventually.
After some time....
Pvt. Captain Price Number 654378: Sir this guy hasnt moved from his position almost 10 minutes.
Realizing this Sgt. Pwner leaves his cover in a very angry matter and starts yealling at the tower:
Sgt. Pwner: CAMPER! STOP CAMPING NOOB!
Fortunately for him the enemy sniper didnt have the Iron Lungs perk nad when he fired the bullet missed the Sergeants head, but hit him in the leg, after which the Sarge falls down. The taliban goes for another shot but realizes he needs to reload, at the same time Pwner coldhardedly pulls out his pistol and fires half his clip, killing the enemy sniper.
Jonny: Great shot sir!
Jonny: Are you hit, sir?
Pwner: Fuck, this sucks, call the medic, he has admin rights!
Jonny: Oh my God! MEDIC! QUICK!
Cpl. Bob Banner: What is the problem?
Sgt. Pwner: I fell down and killed him with my pistol, you know what to do Banner!
Cpl. Banner: Yes sir!
Without a moments hesitation corporal banner pulls out his pistol and kills Sergeant Pwner.
Jonny: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!? He wasnt hit that critical!
Banner: It doesnt matter, he knew the rules: No Last Stand!
Epilogue: And so ended Jonny Nukems first combat mission, he was stunned of casually his comrades took their own lives away, and thats when he though "If only they werent practising on video games!"