I consider myself a master at both the discipline of masturbation and that of sleeping- and even I would be hard-pressed to do both at the same time.


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Shepard doesn't sleep with a night light. Shepard isn't afraid of the dark. The dark
is afraid of Shepard.

Shepard once counted to infinity . . . twice!

Some people own Superman pajamas, but Superman owns a pair of Shepard pajamas.

Shepard has never paid taxes. She just sends in a blank form and includes a picture of herself.

If Shepard is late, then time had damn well better stop.

Shepard has the greatest Poker Face ever. She once won the 1982 World Series of Poker despite the fact that she held only a Joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, A Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail card, and a green number 4 UNO card.

Shepard once sold her soul to the devil in exchange for her sexy looks and unparalleled strength. She then beat up the devil and took back her soul.

When Shepard was in middle school, her English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Shepard received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only her name at the top.

Shepard actually died two years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell her.

Shepard clogs the toilet even when she takes a leak.

If Shepard ever calls your house, be in! Shepard doesn't leave messages; she leaves warnings.

When Princess Peach gets angry, she transforms into Shepard.

Shepard once took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made her blink . . once.

Shepard never used a question mark in her entire life. She believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

You don't find Shepard. She finds you.

Shepard can read Lady Gaga's Poker face.

Germ-X kill 99.99% of Germs, and Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever he wants, but Shepard kills 101% of whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. However, no one has seemed to have thought about sending in Shepard.

Shepard doesn't dodge missiles and bullets; Missiles and bullets dodge Shepard.

When Shepard does a push-up, shes not pushing herself up; Shes pushing the world down.

If Shepard is angry, do NOT kiss her; her kiss is known to destroy living things when she's angry.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Shepard has allowed to live.

Shepard never wet her bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Shepard.

Shepard and Chuck Norris must not see each other because if they did, Shepard's SMG would meet with Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Kick.
Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Shepard and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Shepard is on.

Hitler never shot himself; Shepard shot him.

Shepard was only 6 when she took the job as a Girl Scout. There were no survivors.

If you can see Shepard, she can see you. If you can't see Shepard you may be only seconds away from death.

The original title for Alien vs Predator was Alien vs Predator vs Shepard.
The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie three minutes long.

Shepard can divide by zero.

Shepard doesn't have White Blood Cells like you and I. She actually has "Blue Sun" Cells that are to remove viruses in exchange for credits. That's why Shepard never gets ill.

Guns don't kill people, Shepard kills people.

Shepard will never have a heart attack. Her heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack her.

Shepard was once in a knife war. The knife lost.

One time, Shepard shot Hulk in the chin. Hulk survived, and he now lives in the forest and he changed his name to "Shrek".

If Shepard gets shot by a gun, the gun will bleed.

They made a Shepard toilet paper, it got recalled the next day because it didnt take crap from anyone.

Shepard once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony...
the rattle snake died.

According to research at Harvard University, the human mind can not process the fact that it really IS butter, leaving them to use the phrase "I can't believe it's not butter!".
More reasearch was done, and it was learned that Shepard is the only human who CAN Believe it's not butter.

Shepard knows your reading this...

Shepard drowns fish.

Shepard can speak Korean and Italian at the same time.

Shepard can drink rocks.

It is said that talent made Frank Klepacki an awesome video game music maker. It was really Shepard giving the power of epic music to Frank Klepacki.

Shepard can speak Russian... in Chinese.

The Ninja Turtles are a real history. Shepard once caught 4 turtles and dipped them into an advanced FEV Vats. When they came out, they were 6 feet tall, were intelligent, and knew karate.


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