Well, this group is for 40k (But NOT at all limited to, this is open to all Science Fiction and Fantasy) writers (And Fans!) to help each other in their writings, story lines, and whatever! Since the "40k Fan Group" is the most popular group here on Moddb (besides it being far from biggest), it could be cool to have something like this around for those of us who like to just think up our own stories N whatnot. Everyone is invited! -The Emperor Protects

My W40k story that I found floating around on my computer

Posted by jonathon2 on Sep 17th, 2011

    
      Captain Thedden of the 1st Carron regiment cries out in pain as a bayonet is plunged into his side.  Grabbing the renegade's arm, Thedden pulls him close, the smell of blood is emanating from the corrupt warriors armor, causing Thedden's nose to wrinkle in disgust.  Ramming his bayonet into the traitors stomach, Thedden twists it in a jerking, twisting motion so as to do more damage to the internal organs.  As the traitor falls, he reaches down and picks his bolt pistol up off of the ground.
     Looking around, he sees his command squad is hard pressed to hold out against the forces of Chaos that have invaded this world, a total of at least three million renegades.  He raises his bolt pistol and shoots down three renegades that were trying to muscle a heavy bolter to bear on the surviving loyalists.  The surviving ten members fall back towards him, each one with at least one wound, on them.  They fall back through the only room left that hasn't fallen to the traitors.  
    He fires more shots from his bolt pistol, covering his squads retreat.  Three more traitors fall under the barrage, and the rest are forced into cover.  Reaching down, Thedden picks up a lasgun from a fallen loyalist.  He aims and fires it semi-automatic, keeping the traitors pinned down.  As he gets through the door, his squad close the steel door, preventing the traitors from getting through.  Turning, Thedden walks over to the console that resides across from the door.  Punching in his authorization code the monitor sparks into life, showing Fleet Admiral Thireus, commander of the Liberation fleet.
        'My lord,' Thedden begins, but is interuppted as the door blows in off it's hinges, slamming into the body of sergeant Threcius, shattering his spine.  In walks a massive form, at least eight feet tall.  It has a massive blade, at least as tall as Thedden.  It swings it effortlessly, cutting Master of Ordnance Trechem, cleanly in half, his blood splashing along the wall.  In but a few seconds it has cut through everyone of the command squad but Thedden.
Fear is like a lead ball in Thedden's stomach, and he cannot make his legs move.  He sees the massive blade coming for his midsection and he still can't force himself to move.  A bright intense pain erupts in his torso, and his entrails cover the pict caster.  
        The daemon walks up to the caster and roars a message to the Fleet Admiral.  'The worlds of the Imperium will burn, and I will feast upon the bones of the Corpse Emperor!'
 
        'Power up prow bombardment cannon,' orders Fleet Admiral Thireus.  As he says this, the automated servitors hands rapidly flash over the console, clicking hundreds of buttons in but a few seconds.  Magos Cevering, standing behind the admiral, is observing the events through his augmetic eye, making sure the servitors operate as they should.
        A red strobe starts flashing, illuminating everything in a red glow.  As the other strobe lights flash on, one of the servitors, in their dull mechanical voice, say, 'Prow bombardment cannon ready to fire.'     
 'Fire on my mark,' says Thireus, his slate gray eyes looking through the viewport at the world at war that is floating lazily through space, looking peaceful despite the fact that two million guardsmen were just massacred on its surface.  'Three, two, one, fire!'
        The bombardment cannon fires, leaving burning afterimages on the yes of the admiral.  The bright spear of light connects the planet and the ship for the shortest of seconds, then it is cutting it's way through the surface of the planet towards its core.  As it punctures down deep enough, it punctures the planets core, causing it to detonate, destroying the planet in a magnificent explosion.
          The red strobe light stops, and the normal glow orbs spark back into life, putting everything back to it's normal shade again.  'Let's go home,' says Thireus to the few members of his crew that are human.  As the ship flies from the planet, the red strobe lights flash back on, once again covering the rows of cogitor banks and servitors with their red light.  'What in the name of the Holy Throne is happening?'  Thireus asks, confusion evident in his voice.  
           'Teleport homed in on our bridge, my lord,' says one of his human crew, Creteus.
         'Were in the warp are they coming from?'  Creteus answers, telling him that it is coming from a traitor Astartes strike cruiser.  Thireus curses, then turns to the Magos, and says, 'Get your Skitarii up here to defend the bridge.'  The magos nods once, then closes his augmetic eyes and communicates through the vox implant in his skull.  'Orders complete,' is all the Magos says in response to the blank look he is getting from the admiral.  Nodding, the Admiral and his human crew draw the ornate bolt pistols that they have never had to use, and clutch them so hard that their knuckles turn white.  The Admiral walks over to a case next to his commanders throne and opens it.  He pulls out a magnificently made blade, a gift to him from the mechanicus for saving on of their research colonies four years ago.  Pressing a rune on the hilt, blue fire sheaths the blade in its light, allowing it to cut through power armor easily.  There is a gasp of surprise from the human serfs, 'Power sword, wonder where he got it.'
          Turning around the admiral is temporarily blinded by a bright flash of light, which causes him to stumble and fall to his knees.  As his vision returns, he looks up into the massive forms of Khornate berserkers.  As one they begin cutting through his serfs, tearing them to shreds with their deadly chainaxes, the whirring teeth cutting through flesh and bone alike.  As the last of them fall, the berserkers turn their attention on the Admiral and the Magos.  Surging to his feet, the admiral calmly walks over to the Magos and stands beside him.  Raising his power sword into the guard position, the berserkers charge, screaming prayers to the blood god.  He blocks the blow of a chainaxe but it forces him to his knees, allowing another one to swing at his neck.  Seeing that he can't dodge or block the strike the admiral does the only thing he can do, which is thrust forwards with his power sword at the original berserker.  The energized blade cuts through the armor like a knife through hot butter, but, thanks to his enhanced physique the berserker survived.  The Admiral's head falls to the ground, closely followed by his body as the other berserker finishes the swing of his chainaxe.
         The berserkers surround the Magos, and play with a little bit, a feint here and a feint there.  Finally, the leader tires of their little game and cuts the Magos down in a spray of oil and blood.  As the Magos falls, the Skull Champion voxes back to his strike cruiser to teleport them back.
           The skitarii get there just as the berserkers are teleported away.  All the skitarii see are the bodies of the crew and the admiral and magos, lying broken in pools of their on entrails.

Post comment Comments
TheEmperorsChampion.
TheEmperorsChampion. Sep 19 2011, 1:12am says:

Very good bro

+1 vote     reply to comment
timmy1308
timmy1308 Sep 19 2011, 4:53pm says:

Very nice, but is this the whole story? It seems like it's more of an excerpt than anything else. Your writing style is nice, and I noticed a very good selection of vocabulary. However, there are a few places where it could be smoothed out a bit. Other than that, I love it! The only thing is that the beginning, and the end left me wondering what the heck is going on.

+1 vote     reply to comment
jonathon2
jonathon2 Sep 19 2011, 5:45pm says:

it was just an x=excerpt, i will update it with more of what is going on like sauturday or sunday

+1 vote     reply to comment
BillNye_the_Nazi_Spy
BillNye_the_Nazi_Spy Sep 19 2011, 6:19pm says:

Should put a space between paragraphs, make it easier to read.

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:02am says:

Well good job man! finally getting to your story now, please forgive the huge delay, but here i go.

Alright so, first off i thought it was nice to see the first character was a guardsman, that is or a PDF trooper. Not that there is anything wrong with using Space Marines, but i feel that (at least with me personally) i can relate more to the regular Guardsman or PDF Trooper than i can with a Space Marine. Once again, theres nothing wrong with using Space Marines (nothing wrong at all!) in your text, just not only do i sometimes find it hard to relate to them (and therefore start to care for them) but i feel that Space Marines are sometimes over used in stories. But with that said, YOU are the AUTHOR, and YOU SHOULD DECIDE how you want to write your story, and NO ONE ELSE. It is yours, and therefore its your right to write however/whatever you like. anywho, back to the story, You definitely have some well done descriptions, particularly comparisons, such as the "Lead Ball" reference to name one in particular, very relatable i thought! However, personally i think what you did the best overall at was the fight between Admiral Thireus and the Berserkers. As short as it was, i felt that you described it pretty well, infact better than most people seem to. Most of the time, instead of describing blow by blow, it seems that many writers just cut straight to (or nearly straight to) whoever won the mele.

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greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:06am says:

The fact that you realistically (which i like even more, the realism to the short fight i mean) described the fight as it played out really caught my attention and held it that much more, i'd say add more of that to your text overall (the blow by blow descriptions, i mean, like as they play out), not just to this, as i'd say your pretty good at it, even if it you still stick to short little fights like this one. BUt of course, this is just my opinion, and you should write however you like. Now.... onto my "Gripes" with the text (Dont worry, its nothing bad, mostly just some Mickey Mouse BS, SALL GOOD!).

Alright so, the couple things i found with your text that i thought might be a little odd, or maybe just nagged at my attention a little for whatever reason are gonna be listed below (AGAIN, DONT WORRY, ITS NOTHING BAD. JUST A FEW THINGS THAT I FELT AS A LITTLE OFF)

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greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:07am says:

-Tenses. So right from the 1st sentence, i was a bit confused with your tenses. What do i mean you might ask? Well for instance, in the 1st sentence when Captain Thedden is stabbed, its written as he "cries out in pain", as opposed to he "cried in pain". Actually, after thinking about it a bit, the first sentence is fine, the thing that felt somewhat odd to me was how the whole excerpt was written in this way. As if everything was happening at that exact moment. This is some Mickey Mouse BS, its nothing serious, but just to me it seemed a bit strange as is written. Though it might be just the way you like to write, if so don't change anything. However, there is something that just feels a bit odd reading everything as if its all happening at this very instant, its almost as though the text is written in First Person, but its not. Maybe rewrite some parts? I feel the flow of your text would be helped too. Overall, id say this was my biggest complaint with the writing, but its an easy change/"fix". Just my opinion!

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greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:07am says:

-There are a few places in the text that i feel you may OVER describe things, not so much that you wrote much more than was needed, but i feel maybe you could cut back on some of the descriptions and take out bigger words. I really feel that to have a well rounded story that flows, it might be a better idea to shy away from bigger/more "proper english" sounding words. Ill give you an example, one that i feel could have its "flow" greatly increased by cutting back/rewording a few things:

"A bright intense pain erupts in his torso, and his entrails cover the pict caster. "

thats the original above, though i can clearly tell whats happening here to the good captain, i think it might benefit from maybe some (like i said above) cutting back of words/rewording. Maybe something like this?

"Intense pain tears into Theddens chest, erupting in a red mist, covering the pict caster in the mess of his entrails."

i dunno, something like that maybe. I just felt that overall, some of the words you use in description may not be the best suited for a good "flow" of the text, like to the reader. I'd say sometimes the simpler the description, the better the description (and that only helps the flow of the text). SIMPLER IS BETTER! Once again, JUST MY OPINON! (this is the 2nd main thing i found odd, but its nothing BAD! just my opinion is all)

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:08am says:

-Not a big gripe or anything, but i felt that some of the descriptions could have come across better as maybe two separate descriptions? Not so much because the descriptions you had were too long, but just i feel that they would sound better as maybe two sentences.

-Again, not a big gripe or anything, i felt that your dialogue (although there wasn't a whole lot) didn't feel quite right. Actually, this is only in one part, when the crew see's the Admiral pull out his power sword and they all comment "Power sword, wonder where he got it". Personally, i just feel that whats said is maybe a bit too casual and nonchalant considering what they are (mostly naval officers) and whats happening around them, though with that said, they dont need to be robots. again, just a thought!

-and finally, something thats so small it doesnt really matter if i put it in or not, but there are some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes and whatnot. But these really do not matter when it comes to story writing i think, at least for spelling, at least to me. What matters i think is the quality of the writing, which this definitely has quality. Just give it a once or twice over before finishing with it, and i think it should be fine.

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greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:08am says:

Alright so ending now, i'd have to say you did a good job. Its obvious i think that you did put in work to write this, and at no time would i say this is a crappy text. As far as big plot holes or anything along those lines, i found none! And at no time was i confused as to what was happening in the story, so well done on that. I hope you found some of what i said useful, and maybe it can help. But once again, if you like to write a certain way, don't let anyone, including me (ive said this like 1000 times now) tell you to write otherwise. Your the Author of your own work, no one else. So in conclusion, well done, and it was a good little read!

GOOD JOB! (i mean it)

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:22am says:

oh ya, and 1 more gripe. I felt that you MAY be using the same words to close together. I think it kinda upsets the flow of the text and it sounds a bit odd to me. Ill give you and example.

"As it punctures down deep enough, it punctures the planets core, causing it to detonate, destroying the planet in a magnificent explosion."

Unless you meant for this to happen, i think saying "punctures" together so close feel and sounds kinda odd. Maybe you could rewrite parts like this? maybe breaking it up into smaller sentences (so into two smaller sentences) or rewriting with some different words? just a thought!

again, gripes ARENT BAD! They're just some things i think that could be improved on, dont fret, AND KEEP WRITING!

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greenishcrab
greenishcrab Jan 10 2012, 4:28am says:

Oh once again tho, on the Dialogue thing. It doesn't matter how you make your characters talk, really it doesn't i dont think. I just felt that one part was a bit strange, but of course this is all up to you.

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