Well, this group is for 40k (But NOT at all limited to, this is open to all Science Fiction and Fantasy) writers (And Fans!) to help each other in their writings, story lines, and whatever! Since the "40k Fan Group" is the most popular group here on Moddb (besides it being far from biggest), it could be cool to have something like this around for those of us who like to just think up our own stories N whatnot. Everyone is invited! -The Emperor Protects

Report article RSS Feed sovo the fall

this is a sci fi horror short story set in the future here a little bit I wake up in a hall way,lights are flicking on and it was cold, blood everywhere, with no one near me

Posted by ghost59 on Aug 14th, 2011


sovo
I
wake up in a hall way,lights are flicking on and it was cold, blood
everywhere, with no one near me, . I get up and I'm by a window, I
look out the window scared and say: where am I. I see nothing but
space rocks and stars. I turn away from the window and I see this
huge hulking creature right in my face, I scream , it picks me up
with one hand and gets ready to cut me in half with the other. i
closed my eyes hoping it was all dream but when I open them I realize
its not a dream. boom!!!! it stabs me with its other hand. I fall
down dead , ring!!!! ring!!! ring!!!! I wake up in a cold swat, and
press the button to open the door. me: what do you want. Janie: hey
its me Janie you ok you have gotten up yet. me: ill be up in a few.
Janie: alright. Janie left. I have been having these nightmares for
over four weeks now , I don’t understand them at all but they mean
something I know it. I get up and put on my cloths . I take out my
pistol out of my locker and walk out of my room, and into the hall
way, crowds of people was walking though, I walked into the crowd and
began to walk to the head station. while I was walking I called
janie to tell her I was coming to the meeting. she said: alright its
about to begin so harry it up. me: alright . I start to run to catch
the hover pad. ring! ring! me: hello. rick: hey this is rick I need
you to check the cells the grades aren't talking. me: alright
ill do it after this meeting. rick: alright. I made it to the hover
pad. I got on and started to go up to the station. I got a txt from
janie telling me the meeting started. I speed the hover pad up
and made it to the station. I walk in the room and I see janie so I
walked to her and set down. the head of the station alex: meto your
late. me: I'm sorry sir I had another dream. alex: next time you
wont be lucky, as I was saying we will be getting a cargo from
the so von. me: what kind of cargo sir. alex: we are getting a
ark. me: really we are. alex: yes we are I want you and your team
down there when it comes alright. me: yes sir. janie: we also well
be getting some food and water from it. alex: I know that, this
meeting is over you all can go now. we all left . janie: so what
where the dreams about. me: I don’t know it was weird. janie: how
weird. me: I woke up on the floor and I was on this space ship that
was drifting away, and then this huge hulking creature grabbed and
stabbed me, I died janie I died. janie: well it was only a dream.
me: I know but what if I was being shown the future. janie: I hope
not. me: I do to, i have to go down to the cells rick wanted me
to check if the grades are alright. janie: you want me to come with
you. me: yeah sure. I call rick; hey I'm coming down now with janie.
rick: alright ill be at the cell door. me: alright rick see you
there, janie lets go. we begin to walk to the lower hover pad
that would take us to the cells. janie: hey what do you think is
going on down in the cells. me: most likely a cons shortest.
janie: oh I think its bigger than that. me: like? janie: maybe the
prisoners have gotten out. me: I don’t see that happening. janie:
just saying. me: ok whatever. I press the button to the hover pad.
janie: I think this could be something more. me: I ask we will see
when we get down there. the hover pad comes up, we walk on it, I
press call room. ring !! ring!! I pick up my cell. me: hello.
jack: hey its me jack the cargo is going to be here at 11:50,
where are you. me: I'm heading to the cells the grades aren't talking
. jack: hey I'm by there ill meet you at the door alright. me:
yeah alright. hangs up cell phone. me: hey janie, jack is coming
with us also. janie: the more the merrier. me: yeah sure . we get
to the cell door , jack and rick are there. me: jack, rick you
ready. both of them: yeah we are. rick opens the door and we all
walk in . its cold and dark, I turn on my flash light and kept on
walking. rick: where are the grades. me: I don’t know. jack: why is
it so cold. rick: I don’t know. janie: hey I found someone . me:
is he alive. janie: yeah he is. jack: hey we don’t have much we
have to go to the cargo room before 11:50. me: alright lets get out
of here. we pick up the guy that was sleep and cared him to the hover
pad. janie: ill have some come and pick him up from the pad. me:
alright lets go. we went up on the hover pad to the cargo
bay. the cargo ship was just coming in. we all ran up to it,
the door opened with smoke coming out. no one stepped out. me:
whats going on . janie: I don’t know. me: alright team go in
. jack went in first , it was dark and cold but we kept on
walking. I flash my light on a huge object. me: it’s the ark.
jack get andi to get a mech in here so we can get this out of
here. jack: alright ill do it. jack walks out the cargo ship.
janie: what do you think happened to the people on the ship. me: I
don’t know, lets keep walking. we walked up to where they slept,
there was blood every. me: what the hell happened here? janie: looks
like they where killed in there sleep, but if they all are dead
then how did the ship get here and what killed him. me: I have no idea
but we are going to the ships pilot. janie: alright lets go. we
walked up to the pilot but he was dead also. rick: how the hell did
this ship get here, meto what is the ark. me: the ark is an
artifact that brings peace through out the galaxy, they are really
great. rick: what's your religion. me: im a humason. rick: I see
this is a really good feeling for you isn't it. me: what are you
trying to say. rick: nothing well lets go. we started to walk
out of the cargo ship. as we walked I could hear sounds of
scratching. me: do you hear that. janie: yeah lets harry up. me:
alright. we made it out of the cargo ship and the ark was outside. me:
hey people we got a problem, everyone in the cargo ship is dead.
alex: what then how did the ship get here. me: I have no idea, we
need a team to check the place out asap. alex: alright, meto I
want you to take the ark to the lab. me: it would be an honor
to. alex: good, sam , sogo come over here. both of them: yes
sir. alex: you two will being lead by meto. both of them:
alright. me: lets go. we get on the mrch, where the ark was.
me: sam what you think of the ark. sam: I think it could be useful.
me: yeah. ring!!! ring!!! I pick up the cell. me: hello.
doctor: hey its me sand men I just want to say that the guy you
found had a knife under his pants and there was about nine bullets
that was shot into his body, I don’t know why he didn’t die from
them but I'm going look into his cells. me: alright tell me what
going on with I'm when you find out. sand men: alright I will make
sure that you get the info first. me: well talk to you later.
hangs up cell phone. the mech stopped. sam: we're in the lab. me:
set the ark down. sam: David put it down. david: alright. he
pulls the ark down to the ground people from the lab started to
come and study it. I walked away from it. sam: wow isn't she a
gorgeous. boom!!! me: what was that. boom!!! Boom!! the front of the
ark broke open. grades ran to the front armed to the teeth, I run to
help and pull out my pistol. boom!!! a human like creature ran out
of here ark, trying to cut us. me: shoot it!! we started
shooting the creature but it would not go down. then one of the
grades used a shift rift, one of its legs was cut off by the shift
rift. me: hey give me one of those. the grade handed me one. i
shot its head off but that wasn’t good enough to kill it. it still
was moving, I shots its arm off, it finally dies. me: what the
hell is that thing. ugh shhhh me: more are coming get ready.
the grades started to take out there shift rifts. me: get read, aim ,
aim fire. we all started shooting at the creatures. but we
could not hold them off for long. me: sam get the people out of here
now!!! sam: alright I will. sam left with the people. me: we have
to go back we have to retreat. one of the grades ill stay and hold
them off you guys go. me: how are you going to hold them off. the
grade pulls out a grenade; I have an idea . me: you sure you want to
do this. the grade: yeah, yeah I'm sure. we all leave but that one
grade. he looks at the grenade and says im coming home. the
creatures began to come out. he ran to them slowly thinking of his
family, he press the button on the grenade boom!!!!!!! me: we have
to cut the path way off. alex: what the hell is going on , people
are dying out there. me: we have been attack, the ark its not an ark
at all its..a conduit chamber. alex: we need to send the people to
the uper section of the base, so we can close the lower side. me:
alright I will, all grade I repeat all grade head to the hover
pads and take the people to the station. alex: this is bad if
this gose out of hand we might need to glass the lower half.
me: ill make sure everyone is out before that happens. alex: alright,
im going to call janie. me: tell her to meet at command center four
A B. alex: alright I will. I hang up the phone. me: alright guys ,
we need to go to command center four A B. one of the grades asked:
what where those things. me: I don’t know but we have to go now
before they break through that door. boom!!! a creature was
breaking throw with its claws. me:lets get out of here now!!! we
all ran for it but not fast enough, we was dying and fast. they
just came out of no where and taking people out, killing them and
taken them back to the conduit chamber. soon we will all die.
is this the end is this where my story ends or just begins. I don’t
know anymore but I do know that its going to take a lot to get
through this . we stopped at a door. I start pressing buttons so I
could open the door, there where only six grades left with me. I
opened the door with the code 457. . me: lets go. one of the grades
looked at me. he pulls out his lazer sword and says im going to heold
them off. me: they will kill you. he yells im already dead, go. I
look at him for one last time and then turn around, walk in the
door.
he
turns around with his sword and starts to run while yelling:
yeahh! he knew that he would make out alive , that it was he job to
keep his team alive even if it cost his life. he started to cut the
creatures side ways in half whatever would kill them . he must of
killed of fothy of them but more just keep coming . stabbing him
and cutting him . he fell down and started to smoke, pulls out a
grenade. yells bring it on. boom!!!!!
we
are running to the cammander center. one of the grades: did u hear
that? me: yeah, yeah I did, we cant stop now we have to keep moving,
we're all most there. the grade: so sence we all are going to die
whats your name. me: I meto whats yours. the grade: im tim, that’s sim,
tag, sack and felo. me: alright now that we know one another lets
leave before we get killed. we stoppted at the hover pad where
It would take up straight to the command center. I get on first
then the others. I press the button to go up. the door slowly
closed. boom!!! a huge creature grabbed tim, we tried to pull him in
but it didn't work the hover pads door cut him in half leaving his
upper body. blood is everywhere. me: we arent going to make to
it are me. tag: I don’t know I just don’t know. the hover pad
stopped and opened the door. outside the door there was hunders of
those things. me: this is it we fight our way though or just go back
down. tag: ill fight. sim: know what im fighting. felo: well we
all are going to die might as well die fighting. me: alright get
ready, on the count of three we run, one..two........three go go
go. we ran into the room shooting. the four of us againist and
army of them. me: we are going to make it out. tag: you think
so. me: I know so, back to back. all four of us back into
eachother making a
curlce.
shooting at all the creatures. the hunders started to go down to
a few. now we only needed to was reach the controls. me: im going
for the contols. I started to run, while running I was shooting
the creatures. I slide down into the control panal. I turn it on
the computer and put the lower helf of the base on lock down.
everything started to close and lock, there was no sint of janie
anywhere. ring!! ring!! me: hello. janie: hey look up. I look up
janie is coming in a mech. boom the mech lands behind me. me: what
toke you so long. janie: just a few freaks thats all. me: lets go.
tag: no im going to stay here. boom!! boom!!! me: we can't lose you
to. tag: that thing took tim, im not letting his death go in van.
me: it was nice knowing you. tag: you to. he reloads his gun, sighs
and sits down in a char waiting. we go on the mech and go up.
boom!!! boom!!! the huge creature broke in. tag stands up and
starts shooting. the huge creature throws him arcoss the room. he
hits the window and falls . he gets knocked out for a few seconds,
then he gets up and looks out the window seeing nothing but space
rocks and stars . he turns arround and the creature is right in from
of him it picks him up and gets ready to cut him in half. he pulls
out a grenade. it stabs him, he press the button. boom!!! I looked
down and could see smoke. me: hes dead, janie is everyone in the
station alright. janie: yeah they are and they are going to glass the
base soon so il have to speed up hold on. boom!!! the huge
creature busted through the hole and started to come up. janie: we
have to kill that thing. sim and felo started shooting at it. me:
janie isnt there a bigger gun up there. janie: yeah take the rfl
5. I take it. me: die you son of a bitch. I fire the rocket. boom
the rocket hits it and pushes it down. boom!!! it blows up. me:
its all most over. we reach the station in time. boom!!!!!!!!!! a
flash of light hit the base. deatroying everything . it was over,
with the conduit chamber gone those creatures could not survive
with out it. janie: oh yeah we did it we did it. me: yeah we
did. we stopped at a hover pad. janie, sim, felo and I got on
it and went up. I turn on my cell phone and called alex. me: alex
we are coming up now. alex: don’t.......they....are...u.p here. me:
is it ever going to end. janie: I don’t know but we have to get out of
this ship. me: there should be a pods in the up a head. janie:
alright lets go. ding! we made it to the pod dorp off. me: theres
only four pods left. janie: lets go get in one. we started to run
to one of the pods. ughhhh. sim: their coming, open the pod. me: it
needs a code, can you guys hold them off me. sim & felo: yeah
we can. they turned arround and started shooting the creatures, they
was out numbered. a huge creature split sim in half and the bits
felos head off. me: I got it opened. but I was to late. janie: their
dead we have to go. me: no you have to go. I push janie in the pod and
close the door. janie banged on the door yelling to get my ass in
here. but I was listening to her. I started to press the button.
janie: don’t you press that button. I pressed it boom!! janies pod
went into space. I turn arround and look at a pic of me, the person I
was going to marry. me: im going to see you soon. run to a panal and
turn on the bomb. 20 seconds before the station will blow up. I
pull out a smoke and light it up. I sit down by the bomb, smoking 10
seconds left, the creature started to run to me. 5 second left, I
put my head down and smile. 5, 4, 3 ,2 ,1 boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the
station explodes. nothing is left from the explodtion now its over
for good.
the end

secret message: this janie I am the soul surviver of an alien attack
on a cargo base., if you get this message the ark isnt real, there no
such thing as an ark, only a conduit chamber, I need help im in a pod
flowing out in space and soon ill crash into a planet .

Post comment Comments
Cahir
Cahir Aug 16 2011, 11:25pm says:

I'll admit that I didn't get to the end of the story, not so much because it was terrible, but more because the formatting was awful. Centring the the whole story was, in my opinion, not the best idea, but that's just personal preference and didn't really affect my ability to read the story. What *did* affect my ability to read the story was the lack of paragraphs. It makes the story one big block of text and reduces the reader's motivation to read the story.

Secondly, you're approaching dialogue the wrong way. Instead of "she said", "I yelled" or "Janie cried", you've got "Janie:", "me:" and "Janie". While that approach works in a script, it's not the best writing when used in a short story. It doesn't flow very well, and doesn't tell us how the character is speaking. For example, let's take a conversation between two hypothetical characters, Jane and John, the way you've done dialogue:

Jane: I love you John.

John: I...I love you too Jane.

That's pretty emotionless, right? Now, let's see how the conversation plays out when written in a more traditional format:

Jane whispered in John's ear, her voice catching as tears flowed down her face. "I love you John."

John hugged her tightly and swallowed, nervous about what he was going to say. "I...I love you too, Jane."

In this case, there's more emotion, and the dialogue isn't breaking up the flow of the story.

Other than that, I'd run the story through Microsoft word or Open Office Writer and run a spell and grammar check on the story. There are a lot of of spelling and grammatical errors, so you using one of those programs will be a lot easier than me going through and picking out each and every one.

+2 votes     reply to comment
ghost59 Author
ghost59 Aug 17 2011, 7:23am replied:

alright thx for your review

+1 vote   reply to comment
davo001
davo001 Aug 17 2011, 8:10pm says:

i think cahir covered most of the issues.
you should type up a new draft following his advice and post that up.

also ive never thought the word 'boom' was ever fit to announce an explosion. but that is just a personal preference

+2 votes     reply to comment
ghost59 Author
ghost59 Aug 17 2011, 9:34pm replied:

alright

+1 vote   reply to comment
greenishcrab Creator
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:50am says:

Well im not going to lie, i am impresssssed
Despite the formatting, dialogue format, and grammar and whatnot, i was really surprised at how much i liked this story, not so much the issues i listed above (which isnt all of them, but ill get to that later), but the story, i thought was very entertaining and was very much keeping my interest into what was happening. You DO actually have a good gnack for not over explaining things, which to me can sometimes ruin a story, but you do actually quite well, leaving much to our imagination to figure out, i like! Your characters somewhat develop themselves i thought, and although the relationship of Meto and Janie is somewhat unclear until the end, i was genuinely concerned for they're well being. I'm not quite sure if you were going for this (I somewhat... thought you are) but i could totally tell (unless this is PURE coincidence) that the story is somewhat influenced by Dead Space, Army of Two at one point, and even Jaws (?maybe?)

+1 vote   reply to comment
greenishcrab Creator
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:50am replied:

Well anyway, now to my gripes, :/, but don't get discouraged, the story legitimately held my interest, only these are some things i'd strongly suggest getting worked out to make the writing as a whole better
-First and foremost, the format of the story is... uhh... im not sure what to say but it's a bit confusing and is tough to find where a sentence ends, and a new one begins. Instead of having the story arranged in the center, like it is here, I would recommend (but of course this is YOUR story, and in the end it is solely up to YOU to change or not change anything you want in it, and rightly so.) that you take the story and put it back into "Word" or whatever document writer you used to write it, and press the button that says (it should say SOMEWHERE) "Alight Left", this will change your story to a normal format for reading stories. The advantage to this is it'll be easier for people to read it of course!
-Secondly, i would suggest that you try splitting up your story more (Or more clearly), into more paragraphs than just two, this way you almost give the reader a breath sort of speak, as they read. Allowing what they just read to sink in some more. Your story as i said above is hard to tell where one sentence ends and a new begins, splitting your story up into what you feel is a comfortable number of new paragraphs would really help i think, for the readers sake while they read whats happening.

+1 vote   reply to comment
greenishcrab Creator
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:52am replied:

-Thirdly, as Cahir talked about, i think you could kinda clear up the dialogue a bit, mostly by taking out the way you do the dialogue. The way it is now, it almost feels like a script, not so much a story, but maybe this was intended as a script? I'm not sure, but i feel you would make it "flow" better by taking out the things like:
me: I don’t know it was weird. janie: how
weird. me: I woke up on the floor and I was on this space ship that
was drifting away, and then this huge hulking creature grabbed and
stabbed me, I died janie I died. janie: well it was only a dream.
me: I know
It just doesn't really "flow" altogether, and i believe could sound much better by instead talking about how your characters reply, and saying they reply. Like so for an example: (ill use the same part of your story i pasted) (oh yea, and when someone talks, what they say is usually in quotation marks, like so)
"I don't know, it was weird." I replied.
Janie eyed me curiously; "How weird?" (Here's something else you can do, you don't ALWAYS have to say who's talking, cause for instance in this part of the story, its only Meto and Janie, just specify one of them and the reader can imagine the other person talking must be the only other person in that part of the story)
"I woke up on the floor of a space ship that was drifting away, and then this huge hulking figure grabbed and stabbed me, i died Janie, " I said, looking to the floor as we walked; "I died."
"Well, it was only a dream."
"I know."
I personally feel that if you describe your characters actions while they talk, you can bring your characters more to life to the reader, and save yourself the trouble of explaining some things awkwardly later on in the story. (Dialogue though, can be however the hell you want, however you choose your characters to think and talk is completely up to you as the writer, at least thats how i feel... )

+1 vote   reply to comment
greenishcrab Creator
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:53am replied:

-Fourthly, and lastly, but definitely not to be ignored is Grammar and Spelling. While its not critical for a good story, it is nice when you read a story with no misspelled words and correct placement of commas and other things of that like. Sometimes it was hard to understand a word during the action, which was really annoying as i was actually wanting to know what was happening next, which is nice to fix because otherwise coming across a word your not sure about can take the reader out of the story, and takes away from the experience of reading the story, which is a sad face indeed :(
(oh yea, and one more thing, a couple things in the story didn't really... uh... play out fully? or weren't explained clearly. For example, when Meto is talking to the doctor, he (Meto) later calls him Sand Man, and im not sure why. Then the last we hear of the Doctor is that he goes into the Cells (which im still not entire sure of what they are) and we never hear about what possibly happens to him? Do we find out later maybe? Then the title of the story, "Sovo", i wasn't sure how it fit into the story at all? DId i miss something?)
-But yea anyway, despite my gripes Im not kidding, i really enjoyed this story, and was genuinely interested to see how it ended. All i gots to say now is clean it up! and it'll only get better. Anywho, thats my two cents. Good Job!

+1 vote   reply to comment
timmy1308
timmy1308 Aug 18 2011, 12:02pm says:

Well, I'm not great at writing reviews plus this in the light of greenishcrab's excellent posts, but here are my suggestions. First and foremost, as it's already been said, there are quite a few basic spelling and grammar errors. It is also important for the format to be more organized, when a story is choppy like this, it could hard for the reader to see the thoughts as a story, it should flow a bit more. And, of course, dialouge. However, my original criticsim is that your style and names are a bit cliched. How many times have we seen ship, or speeder, or pistol in a sci-fi story? Even the character names are a bit drab. You might want to add some more originality in your names for objects and people. It wouldn't help to add more to the imagery, but that's harder. Adding to the imagery is also a part of emotion as Cahir was saying, which is a very important part of any story. This is basic stuff, but you can't forget to use powerful verbs, adjectives, and openers. With the right words, you can make anything into a powerful mental image that the reader will be able to see, understand, and enjoy. Suffice to say, I do really like your work! I would love to see a refined version, or even a prequel/sequel in the same universe! Keep it coming, and don't forget to check out my work sometime! ;)

+2 votes     reply to comment
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