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Report article RSS Feed sovo the fall

this is a sci fi horror short story set in the future here a little bit I wake up in a hall way,lights are flicking on and it was cold, blood everywhere, with no one near me

Posted by ghost59 on Aug 14th, 2011


sovo  
I
wake up in a hall way,lights are  flicking on and it was cold, blood
everywhere,   with no one  near me, .  I get up and  I'm by a window, I
look out the window scared  and say: where am I.   I  see  nothing but 
space rocks and stars.  I turn away from the  window and I see this
huge  hulking  creature right in my  face, I  scream ,  it picks me up
with one hand and  gets  ready to cut me in half with the other.  i
closed my eyes hoping it was all dream but when I open them I  realize
its not a  dream.  boom!!!! it stabs me with its other hand. I  fall
down dead ,  ring!!!! ring!!! ring!!!! I wake up in a cold swat, and 
press the button to open the door.  me: what do you want. Janie: hey
its  me Janie you ok you have  gotten up yet. me: ill be  up in a few.
Janie: alright.  Janie left.   I have been having these nightmares  for 
over  four weeks  now , I don’t understand them at all but they mean
something I know it. I get up and put on my  cloths . I take out my
pistol out of my locker and  walk out of my room,  and into the hall
way,  crowds of people  was walking  though, I walked into the crowd and
began to walk to the head station.  while I was  walking I  called 
janie to tell her I was coming to the meeting.  she said: alright  its
about to begin so harry it up.  me: alright .  I start to run to catch
the  hover pad.  ring! ring!  me: hello.  rick: hey this is rick I need 
you to   check  the  cells  the  grades  aren't  talking. me: alright
ill do it after this meeting.  rick: alright.  I made it to the  hover
pad. I got on and  started to go up to the station.  I got  a  txt from
janie telling me the meeting   started.  I  speed the  hover  pad up
and   made it to the  station. I  walk in the room and  I see janie so I
walked to her and set down. the head of the station alex:  meto your
late.  me: I'm sorry sir  I had another  dream.   alex: next time    you
wont  be lucky,  as I was saying   we will be getting  a  cargo  from
the  so von.  me: what kind of  cargo sir.  alex: we are getting a
ark.   me: really we are. alex: yes we are  I want you and your team
down there   when it comes alright.  me: yes sir.   janie:  we also well
be getting some  food and water from it.    alex: I know that, this
meeting is over  you all can go now.   we all left . janie:  so what
where the dreams about.  me: I don’t know it was  weird.   janie: how
weird.  me: I woke up on the floor and  I was on this space ship that
was  drifting away, and then this huge hulking creature  grabbed and
stabbed me, I died  janie  I  died.  janie: well it was  only a dream. 
me: I know  but what if  I was  being shown the future.  janie: I hope
not.  me:  I do to, i have to  go down  to the cells    rick  wanted me
to check  if the grades are alright.  janie: you want  me to come with
you. me: yeah sure.  I call  rick; hey I'm coming down now with janie.
rick: alright  ill be  at the  cell  door.  me: alright   rick see you
there, janie lets  go.    we begin to  walk to the  lower hover  pad
that would take  us to the cells. janie:  hey  what do you think is
going on  down  in the  cells.   me: most likely  a   cons  shortest. 
janie:  oh   I think its bigger than that.  me: like?  janie:  maybe the
prisoners  have gotten out.   me: I don’t see that happening. janie:
just  saying.   me: ok whatever.  I press the button to the hover pad. 
janie:  I think this could be  something more.  me:  I ask we will  see
when we get down there.  the hover pad  comes up, we walk on it,  I
press  call  room.    ring !! ring!! I pick up my cell. me: hello.  
jack: hey its me  jack  the cargo  is going to be  here  at  11:50,
where are you.   me: I'm heading to the cells the grades aren't talking
.    jack:  hey I'm by there ill meet you  at the door alright.   me:
yeah  alright. hangs up cell phone.  me:  hey   janie, jack is coming
with us also. janie: the more the merrier.  me: yeah  sure .    we get 
to the cell  door , jack and rick are there. me:  jack, rick you 
ready.   both of them: yeah  we are.  rick opens the  door  and  we all
walk in . its cold and dark, I turn on my  flash light  and kept on
walking.  rick: where are the grades.  me: I don’t know.   jack: why is
it so  cold.   rick: I don’t know.  janie: hey I found someone .   me:
is he alive.  janie: yeah  he is.  jack: hey we  don’t have  much we
have to go to the cargo  room  before  11:50. me: alright   lets get out
of here.  we pick up the  guy that was sleep and cared him to the hover
pad.  janie: ill have some come and pick him up  from the  pad.  me:
alright lets go.  we  went  up on the hover  pad  to the cargo 
bay.         the  cargo ship  was just  coming in.  we all ran up to it,
the  door opened  with smoke coming out.  no one  stepped out.  me:
whats  going on .  janie: I don’t know.   me:  alright team go in
.       jack went in first ,  it  was  dark  and cold but we  kept on
walking.     I  flash my light on a  huge  object. me: it’s the ark. 
jack get andi  to   get a mech in here so  we can get this out of
here.   jack: alright  ill do  it.  jack  walks  out the cargo  ship.
janie: what do you think  happened to the  people on the ship.  me:  I
don’t know, lets keep  walking.      we walked  up to where they slept,
there was blood every.  me:  what the hell happened here? janie: looks
like they where   killed in there  sleep,  but if they all are  dead
then how did the ship get here and what killed him. me: I have no idea 
but we  are going to the  ships pilot.  janie: alright lets go.    we 
walked up to the pilot but he was dead also. rick:  how the hell  did
this ship get here,  meto what is the ark. me: the ark is  an 
artifact   that brings peace through out the galaxy, they  are really 
great. rick: what's  your religion. me: im  a  humason.  rick:  I see 
this is  a  really   good  feeling for you isn't it.  me: what are you
trying to say.  rick: nothing    well  lets go.    we started to walk
out of the    cargo  ship.   as we walked   I could hear sounds  of 
scratching.    me: do you hear that. janie: yeah  lets  harry up.  me:
alright.   we made it out of the cargo ship and the ark was outside. me:
hey   people  we got a problem,  everyone in the  cargo ship is  dead. 
alex: what  then how did the ship get here.  me: I have no  idea, we
need a  team to  check the place out  asap.  alex: alright,   meto  I
want you  to  take  the ark to the lab.  me: it would be  an  honor
to.     alex: good,  sam  ,   sogo come over here.   both of  them: yes
sir.       alex: you two will being lead by  meto.  both of them:
alright.   me:  lets go.   we  get on the  mrch, where the ark  was. 
me: sam  what you think of the ark.  sam:  I think it could be  useful. 
me: yeah.      ring!!! ring!!!  I pick up the cell. me: hello.  
doctor: hey its me   sand men I just want to say that the guy  you
found  had a knife under his  pants and there  was about   nine  bullets
that was  shot into his body, I don’t know why he didn’t  die  from
them but I'm going  look into his  cells.   me: alright  tell  me  what 
going on with I'm when you find  out.  sand men: alright I  will make
sure  that you  get the info  first.  me: well  talk to you later.   
hangs up cell  phone.   the mech stopped.  sam: we're in  the lab.  me:
set the ark  down.  sam:  David   put it  down.  david: alright.  he
pulls  the  ark  down  to the ground    people from the lab started to 
come  and  study it.  I  walked away from it. sam: wow isn't she a 
gorgeous.  boom!!!  me: what was that. boom!!! Boom!!  the front of the
ark  broke open. grades  ran to the  front  armed to the teeth, I run to
help and pull out my pistol.    boom!!!  a human like creature  ran out
of here ark,  trying to  cut us.  me:  shoot it!!  we  started
shooting   the  creature but it would not  go  down.   then one of the
grades  used a  shift rift, one of its legs  was cut off by the shift 
rift.   me: hey  give me one of those.    the grade handed me one.  i 
shot its  head off but that wasn’t good enough to kill it.     it still 
was moving, I  shots its  arm   off, it finally  dies.    me:  what the
hell is that thing.   ugh shhhh   me: more  are coming  get ready.  
the grades  started to take out there shift rifts.  me: get read,  aim ,
aim   fire.  we all  started shooting  at the creatures.   but  we
could not hold them  off for long.  me: sam  get the people out of here
now!!!  sam: alright  I will.  sam left with  the people.  me:  we have
to go back  we have to  retreat.   one of the grades ill  stay  and hold
them off you guys go.  me: how are you going to hold them off.  the
grade pulls out a  grenade; I have an idea .  me: you sure you want to 
do this. the grade: yeah, yeah I'm  sure.    we all leave but that one 
grade.    he looks at the grenade and says im coming home. the
creatures  began to come out.  he ran to them  slowly  thinking of his 
family,  he press the button on the grenade  boom!!!!!!!   me:  we have
to  cut the path way off.  alex:  what the hell is going on , people
are  dying out there. me: we have been  attack, the ark its not  an  ark
at all its..a conduit chamber.   alex: we  need to  send the people  to
the uper section of the  base, so we  can   close the lower  side.  me:
alright  I will,  all  grade I  repeat  all  grade head to the hover
pads and   take the people to the  station.    alex: this is  bad if
this  gose out of hand  we might need to    glass  the lower  half. 
me:  ill make sure everyone is out before that happens.   alex: alright,
im going to call janie.   me: tell her to meet at  command center  four
A B. alex:  alright I will.   I hang up the phone. me: alright guys ,
we need to go to  command center four A B.   one of the grades  asked: 
what where those things. me: I don’t know  but  we have to  go  now 
before  they break  through  that  door.  boom!!! a  creature was 
breaking throw with its  claws. me:lets get out of here  now!!!     we
all  ran for it but not  fast enough,  we  was dying  and fast.  they
just  came out of no where and taking  people  out,  killing them and 
taken them  back to the conduit  chamber.    soon we will  all  die.  
is this the end  is this  where my  story ends or just begins.  I don’t
know anymore  but I do know that its going to take a lot  to  get
through this .  we stopped at a door. I  start pressing buttons   so I
could  open the door,  there where only   six  grades  left with me.   I
opened the door with the code 457. .  me: lets go.  one of the grades
looked at me. he pulls out his  lazer sword and says im going to heold
them  off.  me:  they will kill you.  he yells im already  dead,  go. I
look at him for  one last time and then  turn around,  walk in the
door.  
 
he
turns  around  with his  sword and starts to  run   while yelling: 
yeahh!  he knew that he would make out alive , that it was he job to  
keep his team alive even if it  cost his life.   he  started to  cut the
creatures   side ways in half whatever would kill them .   he  must of
killed  of  fothy of them but  more just keep coming .   stabbing him 
and  cutting him .  he fell down and started to smoke, pulls out a 
grenade. yells bring it on. boom!!!!!    
 
we 
are running to the  cammander center.  one of the grades: did u hear
that? me: yeah, yeah I did, we cant stop now we have to keep moving,
we're all most there.  the grade:  so  sence we all  are going to die 
whats your name. me: I meto  whats yours. the grade: im tim, that’s sim,
tag, sack and  felo.    me: alright now that we know one another lets 
leave  before  we get killed.     we  stoppted  at  the hover pad where
It would  take up  straight to the command  center.  I  get on first
then the others.  I press  the button to go up.   the door  slowly 
closed. boom!!! a huge creature  grabbed tim,  we  tried to  pull him in
but it didn't work the  hover pads  door   cut him in half  leaving his
upper body.  blood   is everywhere.  me:    we arent going to make to
it are me.   tag:  I don’t know  I  just don’t know.   the hover  pad
stopped and opened the door.   outside the door there  was hunders of
those things.  me:  this is it  we fight our way though or  just go back
down.  tag: ill  fight.  sim: know what im fighting.   felo: well  we
all  are going to die  might  as well die fighting.   me:  alright get
ready, on the count of three  we  run,  one..two........three  go go
go.  we  ran into the room  shooting.  the four of us  againist and 
army of them.  me:   we are going to make it out.     tag: you think 
so.  me:  I know so, back to  back.      all four of  us  back into
eachother making a
curlce
shooting  at all the creatures.      the hunders  started to go down to
a few.  now we only needed to was  reach the  controls.  me: im going
for the contols.    I  started to  run,  while  running I  was shooting
the creatures.  I  slide  down into the control  panal. I  turn it on
the computer and put the lower helf of the  base on lock down.
everything started to close and lock, there was no sint of  janie
anywhere.   ring!! ring!!  me: hello. janie: hey   look up.  I look up 
janie is coming in a mech.   boom the mech lands  behind me. me: what
toke you so long. janie:  just a few freaks  thats all.  me: lets  go. 
tag: no im going to stay  here. boom!! boom!!!  me: we can't  lose you
to.    tag: that thing took  tim, im not letting his death go in van.
me:  it was nice knowing you. tag: you to.  he reloads his  gun, sighs
and sits  down  in a char waiting.  we go on the mech and  go up.  
boom!!! boom!!!  the huge   creature  broke in.   tag  stands up and
starts shooting. the huge  creature  throws  him  arcoss  the  room. he 
hits the window  and falls .  he gets knocked out for a few seconds,
then he gets up and looks  out the window seeing nothing but  space
rocks  and stars . he turns arround  and the creature is  right  in from
of him it picks him up and gets  ready to cut him in half.  he pulls
out  a  grenade. it stabs him, he press the button. boom!!!    I  looked
down and could  see smoke.  me: hes  dead, janie is everyone  in the
station alright.  janie:  yeah they are and they are going to glass  the
base soon so il have to speed up  hold on.    boom!!! the  huge 
creature  busted  through the  hole and started to come up. janie: we
have to kill that thing.  sim and felo started shooting at it.  me: 
janie isnt there a  bigger gun  up there. janie:  yeah  take the  rfl
5.  I take it. me:   die you son of a bitch.  I fire the rocket.  boom
the rocket hits it and pushes  it down.  boom!!!  it  blows up.   me: 
its all most over.  we  reach the station in time.  boom!!!!!!!!!!  a
flash of light hit the base.  deatroying everything .   it was over, 
with the conduit  chamber  gone  those  creatures  could not  survive
with out it. janie:  oh yeah  we  did it  we  did it.  me: yeah  we
did.    we  stopped at a hover pad.  janie, sim, felo and I  got  on 
it  and went up.  I turn on my  cell  phone and called alex.  me:  alex 
we are coming up now.  alex:  don’t.......they....are...u.p here.   me:
is it ever going to  end. janie: I don’t know but we have to get out of
this ship.  me: there should be a  pods in the  up a head.   janie:
alright lets go.   ding!  we  made it to the pod dorp off.   me:  theres
only  four pods left. janie: lets go get in one.    we  started to run
to  one of the pods.  ughhhh. sim: their coming,  open the pod.  me: it
needs  a code, can you guys  hold them off me.   sim & felo: yeah
we  can. they turned arround and started shooting the  creatures, they
was out numbered.  a huge  creature  split sim in half and the  bits
felos  head off.  me: I got it opened. but I was to late.   janie: their
dead we have to go. me: no you have to go. I push janie in the pod and
close the door. janie  banged on the door yelling to get my ass in
here.  but I was listening  to her.  I started to  press the button.
janie: don’t you  press that button.  I  pressed it boom!!  janies  pod
went into space.  I turn arround  and look at a pic of me, the person I
was going to marry. me: im going to see you soon.    run to a  panal and
turn on the  bomb.  20 seconds  before the station will blow up.  I 
pull out a  smoke and light it up. I sit down by the  bomb, smoking   10
seconds left, the creature started to run to  me.  5 second left, I 
put my head down and smile.    5, 4, 3 ,2 ,1  boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the 
station explodes.   nothing is left from the explodtion  now its over 
for good.
 
the end  

secret message: this janie I am  the soul  surviver of an alien attack
on a cargo base., if you get this message the ark isnt real, there no
such thing as an ark, only a conduit chamber,  I need help  im in a pod 
flowing out in space and soon ill  crash into a planet . 
 

Post comment Comments
Cahir
Cahir Aug 16 2011, 11:25pm says:

I'll admit that I didn't get to the end of the story, not so much because it was terrible, but more because the formatting was awful. Centring the the whole story was, in my opinion, not the best idea, but that's just personal preference and didn't really affect my ability to read the story. What *did* affect my ability to read the story was the lack of paragraphs. It makes the story one big block of text and reduces the reader's motivation to read the story.

Secondly, you're approaching dialogue the wrong way. Instead of "she said", "I yelled" or "Janie cried", you've got "Janie:", "me:" and "Janie". While that approach works in a script, it's not the best writing when used in a short story. It doesn't flow very well, and doesn't tell us how the character is speaking. For example, let's take a conversation between two hypothetical characters, Jane and John, the way you've done dialogue:

Jane: I love you John.

John: I...I love you too Jane.

That's pretty emotionless, right? Now, let's see how the conversation plays out when written in a more traditional format:

Jane whispered in John's ear, her voice catching as tears flowed down her face. "I love you John."

John hugged her tightly and swallowed, nervous about what he was going to say. "I...I love you too, Jane."

In this case, there's more emotion, and the dialogue isn't breaking up the flow of the story.

Other than that, I'd run the story through Microsoft word or Open Office Writer and run a spell and grammar check on the story. There are a lot of of spelling and grammatical errors, so you using one of those programs will be a lot easier than me going through and picking out each and every one.

+2 votes     reply to comment
ghost59
ghost59 Aug 17 2011, 7:23am replied:

alright thx for your review

+1 vote     reply to comment
davo001
davo001 Aug 17 2011, 8:10pm says:

i think cahir covered most of the issues.
you should type up a new draft following his advice and post that up.

also ive never thought the word 'boom' was ever fit to announce an explosion. but that is just a personal preference

+2 votes     reply to comment
ghost59
ghost59 Aug 17 2011, 9:34pm replied:

alright

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:50am says:

Well im not going to lie, i am impresssssed
Despite the formatting, dialogue format, and grammar and whatnot, i was really surprised at how much i liked this story, not so much the issues i listed above (which isnt all of them, but ill get to that later), but the story, i thought was very entertaining and was very much keeping my interest into what was happening. You DO actually have a good gnack for not over explaining things, which to me can sometimes ruin a story, but you do actually quite well, leaving much to our imagination to figure out, i like! Your characters somewhat develop themselves i thought, and although the relationship of Meto and Janie is somewhat unclear until the end, i was genuinely concerned for they're well being. I'm not quite sure if you were going for this (I somewhat... thought you are) but i could totally tell (unless this is PURE coincidence) that the story is somewhat influenced by Dead Space, Army of Two at one point, and even Jaws (?maybe?)

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:50am replied:

Well anyway, now to my gripes, :/, but don't get discouraged, the story legitimately held my interest, only these are some things i'd strongly suggest getting worked out to make the writing as a whole better
-First and foremost, the format of the story is... uhh... im not sure what to say but it's a bit confusing and is tough to find where a sentence ends, and a new one begins. Instead of having the story arranged in the center, like it is here, I would recommend (but of course this is YOUR story, and in the end it is solely up to YOU to change or not change anything you want in it, and rightly so.) that you take the story and put it back into "Word" or whatever document writer you used to write it, and press the button that says (it should say SOMEWHERE) "Alight Left", this will change your story to a normal format for reading stories. The advantage to this is it'll be easier for people to read it of course!
-Secondly, i would suggest that you try splitting up your story more (Or more clearly), into more paragraphs than just two, this way you almost give the reader a breath sort of speak, as they read. Allowing what they just read to sink in some more. Your story as i said above is hard to tell where one sentence ends and a new begins, splitting your story up into what you feel is a comfortable number of new paragraphs would really help i think, for the readers sake while they read whats happening.

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:52am replied:

-Thirdly, as Cahir talked about, i think you could kinda clear up the dialogue a bit, mostly by taking out the way you do the dialogue. The way it is now, it almost feels like a script, not so much a story, but maybe this was intended as a script? I'm not sure, but i feel you would make it "flow" better by taking out the things like:
me: I don’t know it was weird. janie: how
weird. me: I woke up on the floor and I was on this space ship that
was drifting away, and then this huge hulking creature grabbed and
stabbed me, I died janie I died. janie: well it was only a dream.
me: I know
It just doesn't really "flow" altogether, and i believe could sound much better by instead talking about how your characters reply, and saying they reply. Like so for an example: (ill use the same part of your story i pasted) (oh yea, and when someone talks, what they say is usually in quotation marks, like so)
"I don't know, it was weird." I replied.
Janie eyed me curiously; "How weird?" (Here's something else you can do, you don't ALWAYS have to say who's talking, cause for instance in this part of the story, its only Meto and Janie, just specify one of them and the reader can imagine the other person talking must be the only other person in that part of the story)
"I woke up on the floor of a space ship that was drifting away, and then this huge hulking figure grabbed and stabbed me, i died Janie, " I said, looking to the floor as we walked; "I died."
"Well, it was only a dream."
"I know."
I personally feel that if you describe your characters actions while they talk, you can bring your characters more to life to the reader, and save yourself the trouble of explaining some things awkwardly later on in the story. (Dialogue though, can be however the hell you want, however you choose your characters to think and talk is completely up to you as the writer, at least thats how i feel... )

+1 vote     reply to comment
greenishcrab
greenishcrab Aug 18 2011, 2:53am replied:

-Fourthly, and lastly, but definitely not to be ignored is Grammar and Spelling. While its not critical for a good story, it is nice when you read a story with no misspelled words and correct placement of commas and other things of that like. Sometimes it was hard to understand a word during the action, which was really annoying as i was actually wanting to know what was happening next, which is nice to fix because otherwise coming across a word your not sure about can take the reader out of the story, and takes away from the experience of reading the story, which is a sad face indeed :(
(oh yea, and one more thing, a couple things in the story didn't really... uh... play out fully? or weren't explained clearly. For example, when Meto is talking to the doctor, he (Meto) later calls him Sand Man, and im not sure why. Then the last we hear of the Doctor is that he goes into the Cells (which im still not entire sure of what they are) and we never hear about what possibly happens to him? Do we find out later maybe? Then the title of the story, "Sovo", i wasn't sure how it fit into the story at all? DId i miss something?)
-But yea anyway, despite my gripes Im not kidding, i really enjoyed this story, and was genuinely interested to see how it ended. All i gots to say now is clean it up! and it'll only get better. Anywho, thats my two cents. Good Job!

+1 vote     reply to comment
timmy1308
timmy1308 Aug 18 2011, 12:02pm says:

Well, I'm not great at writing reviews plus this in the light of greenishcrab's excellent posts, but here are my suggestions. First and foremost, as it's already been said, there are quite a few basic spelling and grammar errors. It is also important for the format to be more organized, when a story is choppy like this, it could hard for the reader to see the thoughts as a story, it should flow a bit more. And, of course, dialouge. However, my original criticsim is that your style and names are a bit cliched. How many times have we seen ship, or speeder, or pistol in a sci-fi story? Even the character names are a bit drab. You might want to add some more originality in your names for objects and people. It wouldn't help to add more to the imagery, but that's harder. Adding to the imagery is also a part of emotion as Cahir was saying, which is a very important part of any story. This is basic stuff, but you can't forget to use powerful verbs, adjectives, and openers. With the right words, you can make anything into a powerful mental image that the reader will be able to see, understand, and enjoy. Suffice to say, I do really like your work! I would love to see a refined version, or even a prequel/sequel in the same universe! Keep it coming, and don't forget to check out my work sometime! ;)

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