The biography of this man is covered with a curtain of mystery...
"Russians by eyes of our western and overseas friends 2" or "Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov: The second encounter."
Hello comrades! It's me, Ivan Ivanovich Ivanow and I know that you missed me. I was far away, fishing on the sunny beaches of Vorkuta and helping soviet pioneers in building of the new nuclear reactor.
Last time I told you about our habits and way of life. And today I want to tell you about our traditions. And here comes our main tradition. First of all you should know that our soviet society can be divided into 2 main groups: those who sit in GULAG and those who supervise us. It is a very exciting tradition, and from time to time we change our roles.
Now about education. Everybody knows that our education is the best in the world. Our wise government spends fabulous sums of money to provide us with free and qualitative education. And when we learn a lot, our wise government rewards us with free tickets to GULAG.
Foreign affairs. Maybe you didn't know, but we can study a lot of foreign languages in our schools. But KGB may always suspect bearers of foreign languages in espionage and will send all of them to the GULAG. That's why we can communicate with outer world only with the help of few unfinished representatives of russian aristocracy, bearers of old high-society British dialect. If it doesn't help, our diplomats can always yank off their shoes and begin banging on the desks. Usually it helps.
Science. We pay high attention to the scientific researches. But at the same time we prefer to keep all the smartest scientists in GULAG. They work better there and we can always release them if we will need new, bigger nuclear bomb or another WMD.
Military. We do not appreciate new tendencies in modern warfare: tanks, aircraft, firearms... screw it. Faithful horse bear and good saber - that's all we need. That's why we have only cavalrymen in the Ministry of Defence.
Here comes one more of our outstanding traditions. It's called Great Purge. Every 5 years we shoot all of our most talented generals but always let 1 survive (for the case if treacherous enemy will suddenly attack us) who will save us all and bring us victory. After this we usually shoot him too.
As I told you last time, we all serve in Red Army. I served in Red Army too. I was a cannon fodder. We have many types of troops in Red Army, but the cannon fodder is the most numerous and honorable type. Every soviet conscript is proud to serve as a cannon fodder.
Usually our soldiers don't have any weapons. They have to get it in battle with bare hands. Only lucky ones have Mosin 1891 rifles, but without rounds. In battle we are always escorted by NKVD barrier troops, who march in 2-3 meters behind us. They wear parade uniform and have heavy weaponry, like machine guns, to shoot cowards and deserters. The presence of barrier troops always encourages cannon fodder...
Ok, my dear comrades. That's all for now. I still have to take back my IS-3 from the repair shop and write a report for tomorrow's Party meeting. These kind KGB officers will show you the way out.
"One day from the life of Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov" or "Russians by eyes of our western and overseas friends".
My name is Ivan Ivanovich Ivanow. I'm russian. I live in the Soviet Union, in Siberia. We have only 2 cities in USSR: Moscow and Siberia. In Moscow you can find Cremlin, Red Square, Mausoleum and KGB HQ. In Siberia you can find huts, where common people live (bears live in huts too), and GULAGS, where prisoners serve their sentence.
I was born in the family of Red Army trooper. By the way, the whole population of the Soviet Motherland serve in Red Army. Even bears serve in Red Army. Those who do not serve in Red Army, serve in KGB. I, my mother, my father, my little sister, my grandmother, my grandfather serve in Red Army. One of my bears serve in Red Army, another one serve in KGB. I'm in Red Army since I was 2 years old.
We are unpretentious in clothers. We all wear valenki (shoes), ushanki (headwear) with Red Stars, shineli (coats). We don't have summer in USSR, thus we wear these clothes the whole year. The weather in USSR is rather warm: - 80 degrees below zero. In order to warm ourselves we all have mini nuclear reactors in each house. But sometimes weather is too hot: - 20 degrees below zero. These days were switch our reactors off.
We don't eat in USSR. We only drink and have snacks. We drink only vodka, that's why we have a big vodka conduit (instead of water conduit) which supply the whole population of the Soviet Union with vodka. Newborn don't even suck mothers' tits. They drink a glass of cold vodka instead. Our parents always stimulate us with vodka when we bring good marks. We also drink vodka to relieve fatigue and to recuperate.
One of the most significant features of USSR is queue. The longest queues consist of volunteers, who want to serve in Red Army and KGB.
We get our education in Red Army. We study History of the Communist Party, life of bears and nuclear physics. We also take part in party meetings, every day we have to make reports (about agriculture, Soviet Army, current intentions of imperialists and about bears). We also write essays. I wrote 3: "For Lenin I'm ready to die", "If I had two lives, I'd give one for Lenin and one for Stalin", "If Party require, I will give my last valenki without regret".
We are strong society! We are all equal. That's why we call each other only as "Comrades". For example I call my mother "Comrade Ivanova", while she calls me "Comrade Ivanov".
Each citizen has his own nominal AK-47. Well AKM and AK-74 were already produced long ago, but nobody cares, we are still using AK-47 and only 47th.
One more significant feature of the USSR - Soviet sport. But as I said, everybody serves in Red Army and KGB, that's why among sportsmen you can find almost only bears.
Living in USSR is very interesting. Everyday begins with serving in Red Army (10 hours), then we work in fields (10 hours), after this we can have a rest (4 hours). We don't sleep. We prefer to spend this time drinking vodka and playing domino.
Sorry guys, I got to go. I have to feed my bear, wash my ushanka and drink some vodka...
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