Enderal Journal, Entry 16 - Taking Things In Stride blog - AK151

I'm replaying Enderal, a total conversion for Skyrim. I found it well-made, with a gripping story, great characters, and excellent music. I got a whole bunch of mods for my next playthrough, and one adds in a journal one can write in to record thoughts, events, etc. I'll be keeping this journal up as I play, and I figured it would be fun to share it here.

Last Seed, 31st, 4E 8234

When I said I'd had enough of mindfucks for two lifetimes, I said it unironically. So much bullshit to sift through this time around. I suppose we can start with how the ritual to become a Keeper wasn't some trial of skill, but a test to see if you can come out of a bloody drug-induced coma. I took the Myrad to the border of the Heartland, right outside the Whisperwood, and met up with the two novices and the Signet Leader, Bartarr (who's a complete jackass, by the way). One of them was an Aeterna named Dunwar. Self-indulgent, self-righteous little prick he was. Didn't give me the time of day and honestly I didn't really want it. But even so, he didn't really deserve what he got. More on that in a bit. The second novice I liked... well, like, much more: Calia Sakaresh. She seemed pretty humble when I met her (though she kept prattling on about how I was apparently a prodigy and that it was an honor to meet me, which perturbed me to no end), but when she started fighting she was pretty impressive. Swung around a massive steel greatsword like it was nothing. Her magic isn't too bad either. She's a good lass. Interesting history, though. Again, topic to be covered later.

So we all group up and head to the ritual site (we'll gloss over the man we came across infected with the Red Madness. Before we could do anything Dunwar killed him, which Bartarr was quite incensed about), at which point Bartarr tell us that the Light-born are dead (Calia and Dunwar didn't know; she took it well, but he very much did not) and told us to drink these vile potions. I took mine first and promptly collapsed. What followed was an exercise in patience and sanity.

I woke up in a cell with this other guy. Called himself "Aixom". As far as dreams go, he was pretty self-aware. Didn't even bother trying to disguise the fact that he was an illusion. Granted, he said some... things. I'm not really giving them much thought, but they're kind of in the back of my mind. It was basically the standard dreamworld bullshit. I've seen it before. And you know what? Yeah, I blame myself for the death of my family. Yeah, I blame myself for the death of Sirius. Yeah, I blame myself for just about every shit thing that's happened. Who the fuck else am I supposed to blame? I was weak. I spent my entire fucking life being weak. I couldn't save anyone. Not mother, not my sister, not Sirius. None of them. I was too weak to save any of them. But I'm not weak anymore. I don't fucking care what my mind, or my dreams say. I have power unlike anything I've ever had before, and you're damned right I'm going to use it. I'm going to use it and I'm going to save as many people as I can, even if it's just out of fucking spite. Guess what, assholes? I'm not weak anymore. You want me? Come and get me. You want to hurt the people around me? Go ahead and try. I was pathetic before. But now I'm not. Now that I know what I'm capable of I can save whomever I want. No one will ever die on my watch again. That's a promise I can finally make you fuckers. Just try and get me to break it.

That dream got under my skin more than I thought. Not the whole trial dream. I'm kind of used to that. I had another one. In a bit, though. When I came to, I was back at the Sun Temple. Calia was already up, watching over me. Dunwar was still unconscious. Calia told me that the Apothecarii took a look at him and said he'd never wake up. He's just about dead. Like I said before, he was an asshole, but he didn't deserve that. Poor sod. I spent a little while talking with Calia. She didn't seem too shaken up about the deaths of the Light-born; gave me an interesting perspective on things: it's not about the one who starts the movement, but about the ideas of that movement. We had a bit of a back and forth about the morality of what the Light-born did, but fortunately it wasn't one of those discussions where we end up at each others' throats.

Then I asked her about something Dunwar said back at the ritual; he was bad-mouthing her and saying that she should've been crucified, not made a Keeper. Made me want to punch him, and I very nearly did. But Calia explained: she doesn't remember anything about her childhood, and the first thing she does remember is waking up in a burning village, just a child with the clothes on her back. Apparently the villagers had found her comatose a few days earlier and had taken her in; she hadn't woken up until that moment when everything was destroyed. A few hunters returning to the village found her and attacked, but she managed to escape them and make her way to Ark. Lord knows how. From there she had to survive in the Undercity for a bit until a magister from the Holy Order noticed her and took her in. He taught her everything she knows and put her on the path towards becoming a Keeper herself. She did right by him in that regard. But she got a lot of glares for being an outsider, and when rumor started spreading about the incident in the village the whispers started to spread: witch-child, demon, murderer, you know, the standard fare. They were probably just jealous of her skill, honestly.

After we wrapped up that conversation, she offered to show me around the Sun Temple, since it's now more-or-less my home... ish. I don't really feel comfortable calling it that, but since I passed their little trial, I guess I'm a Keeper. That in and of itself feels weird to say. After she showed me around, however, the exhaustion hit; probably a delayed aftereffect of the potion. I got a bit shaky for a second and thought it passed before collapsing completely and blacking out.

When I came to, I was back in the Curarium, where I had woken up before. Except of all people it was Jespar sitting in a chair, watching me. I got up and asked him what he was doing there, but something seemed... off. Then he called me weak. Weak and pathetic. Then I looked behind me and I saw him. I... I saw Sirius. He told me I was weak, too weak to save him. Too weak to save anybody. Then more people showed up. Calia, Firespark, Liliath, and finally, Arantheal. All saying the same thing. Then they dropped the act. I wasn't talking to myself, or figments of my imagination, I was talking to... them. The ones behind all of this. Behind this... cycle, behind this "Cleansing". They talked to me as if they were gauging me, measuring me against... my predecessors, I suppose? They laughed. Said I was a joke. Said that I would fail, because I'm too weak. Because I'll always be too weak. We'll see about that. If they wanted a fight, they just got one. Whatever these things are, I'm going to find a way to stop them. No... I'm going to find a way to destroy them.

Someone left me some food when I came to. That was nice, at least. Wasn't feeling up to... walking yet, so I read another tale from the Wanderer. This one was about someone he called the "Dark Keeper". An arcanist in heavy armor who used powerful Entropy. He waxed lyrical about the evils of the school of Sinestra, but honestly this tale, this style of combat, is the one that most resonates with me. Funnily enough, I recognized some of the techniques this Dark Keeper used, such as the art of devouring souls to heal wounds. I think I'm going to start honing these powers.

Talked to Arantheal. He said that all that's left to initiate me into the Order is some ceremony. It'll take another day to prepare it, so I've got some more time to kill. I'll find something to do. Might take a Myrad somewhere and get some work done. He also mentioned that he had the same dream that I did, about these entities mocking us and our efforts. That's... interesting.

As I left the Sun Temple, a kid came up to me a delivered a letter. It was from Jespar. He wants me to meet him at the watchtower in front of Ark in the evening to congratulate me on becoming a Keeper. Even through writing his words sounded pointed. I still feel really bad about everything I put him through. We'll see if he's still holding it against me tonight, I guess.

In the meantime, I decided to go hunting on the Farmer's Coast. Third bastion of civilization on Enderal. Though it's probably my least favorite. As soon as I landed a highwayman working for some lout named Crocco tried to get me to pay a fee to walk the road. Sent him packing pretty handily. Then I asked around for the wild mage I was going after (there's a bounty in Ark for her head), and all I got were some pointed remarks about my ears and glares. Turns out I flew the Myrad all the way back to Ostian.

Took down the wild mage and cleared out a few other bandit camps near the farms. Got a good dozen pennies out of it. They say they would've given me more coin had I said I were going out to clear those places, instead of taking care of them out of the goodness of my heart. I'm honestly surprised they paid me at all. All that's left to do here is investigate Ark's Last Watch. It's a fortress where this Max Niceblood is hiding out. His head's worth 10,000 coins, courtesy of Nehrim. I may hate the country, but I'll gladly deprive them of their money.

Well, Niceblood up and left. Turns out he was fleeing because some lass was incensed he wouldn't sleep with her. He's in Qyra. Not even going to bother going after him. He left a decent sum of money, which is more than enough for me. The adventure alone was interesting enough.

Met with Jespar at the watchtower. I think he's over the... incident at the docks. Offered some wine up as a bit of a peace offering. We spent the night drinking and talking. He said I reminded him of a lass he traveled with. She was intense and reckless. They were a good pair, but eventually she wanted more out of their... relationship. So they split up. Fair enough. There's more to the story. If there wasn't, he probably wouldn't be carrying around her sword as a memento. But I don't want to press him about it. He asked me if I had anyone similar in my life. Aside from the whole sleeping together thing, Sirius pretty much qualifies there. He always had my back, and I always had his. It's good to have someone you can rely on.

Anyways, Jespar said that there were some prospects in Ark, so he'll be getting busy soon. That's good to hear. If he's stuck here, at least he can find some work to pass the time. As for myself, I'm going to get some sleep and hope things start to slow down a bit. Aside from the few days of rest in Riverville, these past weeks have been far too crazy.