Funny Jokes v.2 news - Humor, satire, parody

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and in the book are things people actually said in court, word for word,taken down and now published by court reporters who had to go through the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Attorney : Are you sexually active ?
Witness : No, my husband says I just lie there.

Attorney : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney : This myasthenia gravis you have, does it affect your memory at all ?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney : And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
Witness : I forget.
Attorney : You forget ? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ?
Witness : He said, 'Where are you Cathy ?'
Attorney : And why did that upset you ?
Witness : My name is Susan !

Attorney : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo ?
Witness : We both do.
Attorney : Voodoo ?
Witness : We do.
Attorney : You do ?
Witness : Yes, voodoo.

Attorney : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
Witness : Did you actually pass the bar exam ?

Attorney : The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he ?
Witness : Uh, he's twenty-one.

Attorney : Were you present when your picture was taken ?
Witness : Are you kidding me ?

Attorney : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney : And what were you doing at that time ?
Witness : Uh.... I guess I was having sex!

Attorney : She had three children, right ?
Witness : Yes.
Attorney : How many were boys ?
Witness : None.
Attorney : Were there any girls ?
Witness : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?

Attorney : How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness : By death.
Attorney : And by whose death was it terminated ?
Witness : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Attorney : Can you describe the individual?
Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney : Was this person a male or a female ?
Witness : You guess.

Attorney : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
Witness : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
Witness : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that ?

Attorney : ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay ? Now, what school did you go to ?
Witness : Oral.

Attorney : Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
Witness : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness : Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

Attorney : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
Witness : No.
Attorney : Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness : No.
Attorney : Did you check for breathing?
Witness : No.
Attorney : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness : No.
Attorney : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

When I was a kid, I used to pray to God for a new bike, but then I heard in Sunday school, he doesn't work like that, so I went to the neighbors and stole his bike, and prayed for forgiveness.

I said to my housemate, "Wanna hear a joke?"
He goes, "Alright then."
"What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?"
"I don't know," he said.
"You're disgusting."