Extract of my project Thread - Global Union of Arts

I've wanted to show a bit of my work somewhere, so i decided to make my stand here ^^
After scrolling for a minute through the document, i chose this paragraph randomly.
Criticism is welcome.

Kui was thrown into a small chamber in one of the lower tunnels, before a door slammed shut behind her. Clumsily, she tried to stand upright, gripping her head where they had knocked her unconscious. She tried to observe her surroundings, but to her dismay. The chamber was dark; the only light source being a weak beam of flickering torchlight coming through a barred gap on the door. The floor was covered in hay and straw, a few bones and shackles were also apparent. A Pair of chains hung from the wall, blood stains marking them as well as the floor below. Before continuing to explore her new surroundings, she stopped abruptly, and listened. She could hear sobbing, weak and young, yet in a familiar voice. “Hello? Is anyone there?” the sobbing briefly silenced, before beginning again, albeit in a slower tempus. A shadow moved in the corner, as a being slowly crept into view. Yura crawled along the floor, tears and dried blood covered her face. “K-K-Kui-chan...” she managed to say between her sobs, a brief smile showed on her face, as she finally sighted a friendly face. She warily stood up and the weak beams of light shone upon Yura. Kui’s Eyes widened in horror as she could now see every detail. Yura’s furs had been torn, and were stained with blood. Her nimble body was covered in bruises and cuts, most of which had been left unattended and swelled unnaturally. Her left foot was displaced; it had obviously been broken by some sick minded torturer of ‘the eye’. “Oh my god... Yura-chan, what have they been doing to you?” Kui took a step forward, and Yura fell into her arms. Tears now fell freely from her face as she sobbed deeply into the ruined tatters which had once been Kui’s cream robe. “They... they hurt me... I... couldn’t... they didn’t stop... it burns...” she could barely breathe in between her sobbing. Kui placed her hand on Yura’s head and sank to the floor. She could barely believe what she was seeing and feeling. Carefully, she stroked Yura on her back, trying to avoid the bruises. “It’s ok, let it out...”

Its part of a larger project i have been working on for some time now. If all fares well, i might send it out to a few publishers and hope for the best.

nice writing style. the way how you describe the surrounding as well as the whole situation is well done. i can kinda get a picture of how it looks like.

what i would like to know is: in witch time does this happen. middle age? kui is she an adult or a child? is it for a game maybe with rpg maker?
sorry for asking so much, i m a curious person...

Edited by: OrangeNero

Nice use of describing the atmosphere, I'm always a fan of that. I'd like to see some more, keep it coming!

thanks for your opinions ^^ best i give a bit of info to the story and background then to fill those massive gaps.

The story takes place in the future (surprised?) in the year 2115 on two planes of existence. The first of which would be in Japan, Tokyo, which has been partly desecrated due to a chemical war which took place two centuries back and lasted for 13 years. The second plane would be an mmorpg which is powered through the Eden-engine, a powerful engine bearing the realistic physics, if you pick up a hand full of sand in the game, you can see and feel every particle. The game is projected into a 3d surroundings through com-noids, a sort of android/computer for everything. The players must sit themselves in synchronisation armseats whilst playing. These specialy designed seats attatch to the players nerve systems to produce realistic feelings such as temperature, wind (and in a later stage due to an act of terrorism) ,Pain and death. Kui is a character played by the 19 year old guy called Haruko, who is one of the 4 main Protagonists in the story. 'The Eye' as read in the extract, refers to a renegade guild in the game called 'The eye of Fulgrim'.

I'm not going to reveal too much, but i will happily answer further questions, and maybe show another extract ^^

Edited by: chaosmaster4

the whole thing about the game witch makes you feel it is very interesting. remembers me of a game bond 007 played with his enemy. everytime he lost mens he felt an electroshock witch increased in power.

don't reveal too much