Thank you for lending me your time right now. I just need your small time to read what I felt. I realize this is not game related topic here.
It started with this tough girl, a person close to me. Precious friend, maybe. I knew her two years ago. I was attending convention center when the I met this person. Meeting by the hand of fate? I don't know. She introduced herself, telling her background and many other things. One thing I really know that she has quite deep interest in theatre performance and related things. We then parted ways because since she still had something to do in capital city. Before we parted ways, we exchange our email, and number and become best friend since then. On one occassion I visit her place and some other times, she visited mine.
She is two years older than me. Of course by default I should call her big sis. But she insisted that I just call her by name. Well, she and I shared alot of interest, or some kind of girl talks. Ah, I still remembered how she pissed on some guys just chatted her for dirty talk or "night service" thing. And how she said most guys on internet are always dirty minded. Still, recalling all those things sometimes makes me chuckle today. She also shared one thing she never told to everyone. A dark past that made her as a victim of a crime. I won't tell you what kind of past she had endured and I will keep it to my end, also as my secret and as my promise for a friend. No matter what or who she was in the past, she is always and will always be my friend. Mostly, our friendly talks are always on phone, or chatting by internet.
And few days ago, April 4th exactly, I finally met her again after a half of year I haven't met her in person. But, something about her makes me worried. She looks ... I don't know how to describe ... she is very sick inside. But I know, she hid it from me due not to make me worried.
I feel worried everytime she felt in pain till she screamed how painful it was. Her headache, and some strange of pain on her neck. Sometimes she felt the pain on night, sometimes on day. Everytime the head pain comes, her pain turns a bit red, she just lays on bed or sofa. I tried asking her what kind of sickness she endures right now. She just gave me her smile as always and told me nothing to worry. She just said those things are just a merely simple sickness and will heal in time.
I then forced her to tell everything. I insisted to bring her to hospital to heal all her sickess, but she keeps refusing again and again. Always trying to avoid the topics and talks about her condition. She said just to let everything regarding her health to God's mercy. Absurd. Very absurd! I was pissed, I yelled at her that she should go to hospital to get better. Nothing comes better If she doesn't have a strong will to get her good health back. Even if I have to pay all her hospital bill.
There, she just smiled gently, she then asked me one thing that makes me sadder even the most.
"If, somehow one day, I come to the point of where I am unable to do anything, to where I am become weak and ... worse, promise me one thing, be happy of what life you have right now. Don't be sad if one day something worse happen to me. You are always my friend."
My tears drop the moment I heard everything she said and still, she asked me to be tough? Why, oh god WHY? How come she asked me something that makes me feel sad, to be tough when in reality I'm just a weak. My friend, the person I know that is able to bear all dark past and endure everything with her, the person I know is strong enough to face her present and her future without looking back, how could she ask that? Asking me to not be sad? Please tell me how!
Till this part of paragraph I wrote using my phone on 4am, I still can't hold my tears.
Watching my friend falls to pain everyday is unbearable. I don't know, if I can let her give in to her sickness. I don't know if I can fulfill her wish to be strong if one day she dissapears. I don't know what to do now.
The thought of losing her is hurting me. It's painful, and even painful to imagine she is fadding away like that. I just want someone to talk right now. Honestly ... i don't know.
I'm not sure my sentence has exact meaning for what I want to tell you. No I mean, I'm not sure what I have to tell you. Yeah. This is much correct. But, I try for writing some letters.
You know, some people, maybe most of people have they don't want to tell their deepest wound. Also, most of something like that can't cure by other people. Just it can cure oneself.
I thought deelpy somedays. But, I guess there is only one way what can help her. Maybe you already doing this. 'Just stay with her.' that is what is really want to you.
She need to unconstrained place where she can freely screaming cause of pain, have to tear, anything appeal for her torment. the safe place. some words like home, family, whatever like this.
And she choose you. Because you are the only one like them. Is not who has solution for this situation, Is who she want to just beside herself.
If you want to help her, just take her everthing as it is. Don't ask anything before she want to tell herself. Just hug.
She don't want that? then just sit or lie down by the side. She don't want that too? just look but step aside from her. Let her have her own way. Of course not dangerous one.
You can feel my words just junk for you. Maybe it can be. My useless intellect just has an absurd idea: 'Respect her.'
I'm Sorry. I can't hit upon more brilliant solution.
zerolaunch thank you for all your words. I know I just want to help her, as a friend who cares her a lot. No matter what kind of past that left a big scar in her life, whatever it is, she is my friend and I won't leave her like that.
I never tried to talk anything regarding her past, it only let her wound open again. Let it all be the secret till the end.
Yeah, just like what you said, some kind of person just tried to bury the wound in their heart, some just let the scar open, some ... on the other case ... couldn't even live the life with the scar and decide to stop.