DAKARI'S ADVENTURES IN SKYRIM
Featuring Jasper Gleamdust, Mr. Philbert Dovahbitts, and Lydia
DAY FIVE
I started my fifth day with a whole lot of screaming. Not from me of course, I'm far too... womanly(...?) for that. I'm sure it was Lydia. And Dovahbitts and probably the horse, too. Yeah.
Just imagine that the air is thin and freezing cold, we're struggling to breath, and and climb, but it's all worth it, we're nearing the top of the mountain, and I haven't seen a single one of those fabled 7,000 steps yet. In your face, Jarl.
Now imagine screaming, screaming, more screaming, followed by a crunch and a bit more screaming.
Why?
BECAUSE MY HORSE DECIDED IT'D BE FUNNY TO DO A BACKFLIP OFF THE MOUNTAIN WE WERE CONQUERING, THAT'S WHY.
Now ain't this a surprise, the bandits ask me, right before trying to light me on fire.
Yeah it is! Here I thought I was going to go hungry on that mountain.
Alright Lydia, we're back at the bottom of the mountain, full inventories and bellies of food, but no horse. I guess we're walking.
On second thought, walking's boring.
Oh hey, a horse.
Come on Lydia, we're back in business! To the Greybeards!
Sup.And we were off, once again, to the rescue! "Were" being the operative word here, because I soon found a cave that I was just dying to check out.
...A spooky cave full of traps. Lovely.
Traps which I deftly avoid, mind you, because I'm awesome like that. Unfortunately Lydia is considerably less awesome, and not only almost gets us all killed, but alerts three angry people to our presence. Lydia, you're a great pal and all, but watch where you step next time. Anyway, swords, arrows, fire and stuff, we're progressing through this creepy cave when-
Hang on. Vampires? Kettles? Bodies? Bloody cages? Sheeit, I just walked into a horror movie.
Poor Bastard...
Time to burn this place to the ground... Shut up Lydia, I know we're underground, but heat rises, so if we blaze the place up it should raze it to the ground eventually, and maybe raise us up as well, getting us out of here. It's both efficient and logical.
FIAAAAAAAH!
After several save-loads near-death-experiences, I come to the conclusion that this Master Vampire is an a-hole. And my companions are pansies, always laying down on the job.
But then I remembered all that food I acquired at the bandit camp this morning. Multitasking like a boss, I stuff my face and swing my sword like a maniac, and the Master-Vamp is no more. HA! Saved by the sweetrolls.
Came, saw, conquered, rolled out alive.
And got a sweet coat out of it.Trekkin' back out into the snow, we come across a nice couple who inform me that I don't look good. They must be insane though, because I look *fabulous*. I give them some money so they can afford to seek out help.
Ah, what a glorious day this is turning out to be. Eating bandits, killing vampires, helping mentally impaired people, and butterflies.
Butter. Flies.
Whose house am I in? HA, all I know is that it's a beautiful day!
Jolly trees!
Jolly mountains!
Jolly town!
I want to fly, fly like a butter fly!
...
