Funny Stargate Atlantis Quotes news

i know its a longg list but it will do you some good to read

Elizabeth Weir: How are you?
Maj. John Sheppard: Oh, I'm mutating into a bug. How are you?
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Maj. John Sheppard: Two heads think better than one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's a common misconception.
Maj. John Sheppard: Just give me a gun so I can shoot him!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not sure I can fix this.
Dr. Peter Grodin: You can fix anything.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Who told you that?
Dr. Peter Grodin: You did. On several occasions.________________________________________
Maj. John Sheppard: [after being chased by an alien probe] That was different.
General Jack O'Neill: For me... not so much.
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Carson Beckett: How come I never make friends like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to get out more.
Carson Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?
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Daniel Jackson: Jack, if it's not too late for me to go...
General Jack O'Neill: No.
Daniel Jackson: ...I'd just grab one these.
General Jack O'Neill: No!
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[Dr. McKay is wearing an Ancient personal force field generator]
Elizabeth Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Maj. John Sheppard: [Smug] I shot him.
[Dr. Weir gives him "the look"]
Maj. John Sheppard: In the leg!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Elizabeth Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Smug] In-vul-nerable!
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Carson Beckett: He fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh there's gotta be a better word.
Carson Beckett: Faint is a proper medical term.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I passed out from... manly hunger!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Using power... using power... using power.
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Maj. John Sheppard: Without inertial dampening, we'd be hit by so many g's, our eyes would pop, our skin would pull away from our faces, our brains would squish up to the back our skulls, and our internal organs would be crushed into these chairs. What about that sandwich?
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Maj. John Sheppard: There's plenty of time to solve this thing, but you got to stop using your mouth and start using your brain!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry. It's just... I react to certain doom in a certain way. It's a bad habit.
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Carson Beckett: [a parasite has attached itself to Sheppard's neck, paralyzing him] I'm told you have something of a cling-on.
Maj. John Sheppard: That's funny.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I built an atomic bomb for my grade six science fair exhibit.
Lt. Aiden Ford: They let you do that up in Canada?
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Maj. John Sheppard: [the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field] You think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilization.
Maj. John Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.
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Elizabeth Weir: We're heading towards a food shortage.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Mouth full] I know, it's getting desperate. I'm almost out of coffee.
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, maybe you should stop drinking eleven cups a day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm just making sure I'm getting my fair share before it's all gone.
Lt. Aiden Ford: Sounds fair.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: What is it you said they grow here anyway?
Teyla Emmagan: Many things, but they are best known for a bean known as Tava.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Java?
Maj. John Sheppard: Tava!
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Cowen: [during negotiations] We will need more than you offer.
Maj. John Sheppard: More?
Lt. Aiden Ford: I don't think you understand how cool this medicine is.
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Cowen: Please, stay as our guests. There will be a harvest ceremony later.
Teyla Emmagan: Wonderful.
Maj. John Sheppard: Ford?
Lt. Aiden Ford: Sir?
Maj. John Sheppard: We're talking harvest ceremony.
Lt. Aiden Ford: [pause] Sounds like fun, sir.
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Maj. John Sheppard: Have you ever tried to clear a stump by hand?
Elizabeth Weir: Yes, it's a hobby.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: You have no idea which way to go, do you?
Maj. John Sheppard: Just trying to get my bearings.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Translation: "I'm lost. "
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Dr. Rodney McKay: [the team is trying to come up with a solution to a problem while being very short on time] You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth - did you bring yours?
Dr. Zelenka: You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm always like this.
Dr. Zelenka: My point exactly.
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Commander Acastus Kolya: You killed two of my men!
Maj. John Sheppard: I guess we're even!
Commander Acastus Kolya: I don't like 'even'!
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Elizabeth Weir: The city can handle that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes. Theoretically.
Maj. John Sheppard: Like "dinosaurs turned into birds" theoretically or "theory of relativity" theoretically?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [looks confused] What? Um, somewhere between.
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Elizabeth Weir: How were you able to bypass the shield?
Commander Acastus Kolya: With the time-tested combination of strong drink and weak minds.
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Commander Acastus Kolya: My name is Commander Kolya.
Maj. John Sheppard: "Kolya", that's a difficult name to pronounce. Is that a first name or a last name?
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Lt. Aiden Ford: It's huge.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Define huge.
Maj. John Sheppard: Fifteen million square miles. Give or take.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That would make it approximately the size of, uh... I have no idea, but it sounds huge.
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Carson Beckett: Are you telling me to shut up again?
Lt. Aiden Ford: Again.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm picking up a strange reading from right over there.
Maj. John Sheppard: Define strange.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [pause] You don't know what strange means?
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[the team need to disable the grounding stations around the city]
Maj. John Sheppard: Wait a second, are these things even close to a transporter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh... yes. Elizabeth's is.
Maj. John Sheppard: And mine?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a brisk walk away.
Maj. John Sheppard: And by "brisk" you mean "far"?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [nods] And by "walk" I mean "run".
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Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard, Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon are held captive, Ronon is trying to get out of his hand restraints] I think they're loosening.
Maj. John Sheppard: Watch it, Chewie. You're gonna cut your damn hands off!
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Maj. John Sheppard: [to Ronon Dex, who is struggling to escape his bonds] Take it easy, Chewie - you're gonna cut your damned hands off.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: There's no sign of any settlements - at least, nothing recent.
Ronon Dex: [pointing] Other than the smoke from that campfire.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ah. Yes, well, other than that.
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Maj. John Sheppard: [while being shot at] You know, this is not a good way to make new friends!
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Marin: The island is a penal colony. The prisoners usually don't cause much trouble, as long as you don't try to land there.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, you could put up a sign!
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Magistrate: Where do you come from?
Maj. John Sheppard: Until recently, uh, Atlantis.
Magistrate: The ancestral city.
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah. Unfortunately it was destroyed by the Wraith a short time ago.
Magistrate: How tragic.
Maj. John Sheppard: [deadpan] Yeah, we're pretty broken up about it.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: [the team is discussing a society that places criminals next to the stargate so they will be culled first as a form of capital punishment] I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a fondness for the electric chair. Call me romantic.
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Teyla Emmagan: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Certain countries, yes.
Maj. John Sheppard: Do we need to get into this right now?
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Seriously, am I the only one creeped out by that guy?
Maj. John Sheppard: They're politicians, Rodney - they're all creepy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Margaret Thatcher wasn't creepy. OK - well, maybe a little. In fact, she was like an aunt of mine - same hairstyle, facial structure, only my aunt was much taller, and remarkably hirsute. Oddest thing: she had to shave twice a day.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I think I chipped a tooth. Did I chip a tooth? Am I bleeding? Because I am at high risk of enterocarditis.
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Maj. John Sheppard: Hi, folks. I hope I didn't crash-land on anybody.
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Teyla Emmagan: What do you want from us?
Torrell: Well, we've already got your weapons. Now I do believe we'll take your ship. You see, we have been planning a little trip to the mainland, but after seeing you fly that thing through the Ancestral Ring...
Dr. Rodney McKay: If you're referring to the ship you just shot down, the one that doesn't stand a hope in hell of ever flying again...
Torrell: The ship that you're gonna fix, yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?
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Maj. John Sheppard: Well, leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.
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Ronon Dex: Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.
Maj. John Sheppard: Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.
Ronon Dex: You're expecting me to let them get away with this?
Maj. John Sheppard: The operative words are "get away".
Ronon Dex: After I kill them.
Maj. John Sheppard: That type of thinking will get us killed.
Ronon Dex: Well, if you had returned fire...
Maj. John Sheppard: The weapons systems were damaged.
Ronon Dex: If you say so.
Maj. John Sheppard: I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.
Ronon Dex: Is that an order, Sheppard?
Maj. John Sheppard: I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah - it's an order.
Ronon Dex: Okay.
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Torrell: Well, I could kill you. But you strike me as the type of man who, despite being weak and cowardly on the outside, harbours a strength of character he doesn't even know he has.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry - was there a compliment in there?
Torrell: See, the way to motivate a man like you, Mr McKay, is not to threaten your life; it's to threaten the lives of your friends. That's right. Fix the ship, otherwise they start dying, one after another, 'til you change your mind, or until they're all dead. I don't care.
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Eldon: The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians'.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How ironic, then, to have been shot down by the cast of "Braveheart."
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Maj. John Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.
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Maj. John Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: [seeing a security escort of only two marines] Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. What is this? This is my security escort?
Elizabeth Weir: Well, we are spread a little bit thin right now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK.
[to the marines]
Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to know that if we come under fire, you're gonna have to put your lives on the line to protect me.
Elizabeth Weir: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, I mean the Zed-PM. You need to protect the Zed-PM at all costs... and me.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: [facing a wraith guard] So! This is how it's gonna be, huh? Just me?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [seeing another Wraith guard come up] OK! That's just fine!
Dr. Rodney McKay: [he draws his pistol and points it at them, grinning in bravado]
Dr. Rodney McKay: You want some of this, huh? Huh?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [as he goes to fire his pistol, he presses the wrong part of the gun and the magazine ejects and drops to the floor]
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, thank God! You were the only... I thought I was gonna...
Teyla Emmagan: I thought you were very brave.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
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Elizabeth Weir: [over comms] Rodney, we need a shield up in forty seconds or we're dead!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, are you kidding me?
Elizabeth Weir: No!
Dr. Rodney McKay: 'Cause I can't help but thinking we're reaching the point at which I completely snap.
Elizabeth Weir: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: That should do it! Fire it up.
Elizabeth Weir: That didn't do it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Teyla Emmagan: It is not working.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know what she said!
Elizabeth Weir: Twenty seconds!
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, snap! That's it! You all happy now?
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Elizabeth Weir: Rodney - you can take the rest of the day off.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [lies down onto the floor on his back with his eyes closed and his hands folded on his chest] Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find.
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Carson Beckett: We still have no idea how it works, but during the Wraith feeding process, the victim is injected with a special enzyme. It strengthens the human body temporarily and ensures that the heart continues to beat.
Maj. John Sheppard: Why would they wanna make you stronger?
Carson Beckett: So the victim doesn't die immediately. The feeding process is so traumatic, without the special enzyme, we shut down far sooner than they like.
Elizabeth Weir: They make you stronger so they can take more time to kill you.
Carson Beckett: Lovely, isn't it?
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, the first siege of Atlantis lasted for years. I mean, with only one functioning Zed P.M, we can't expect to hold on that long.
Col. Steven Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sighs] It's a city, not a yo-yo.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, let me see - we've got slow death, quick death, painful death, cold, lonely death.
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Elizabeth Weir: How much time do you need?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, well...
Dr. Zelenka: ...a week...
Dr. Rodney McKay: ...a couple of hours.
Elizabeth Weir: I'll take the second estimate. Go.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: You're referring to the ship you just shot down! One that doesn't stand a hope in hell of ever flying again.
Torrell: The ship that you're gonna fix, yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?
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[Sheppard and McKay have gotten lost finding their way back to the Genii's village]
Dr. Rodney McKay: They were very clear which route to take.
Maj. John Sheppard: I prefer a straight line...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, of course, cause everything's a short cut in Sheppard's world.
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Maj. John Sheppard: "Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible." That's good advice, Rodney, thanks.
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[Sheppard is giving McKay flying lessons, and they get into an argument]
Maj. John Sheppard: This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm both insulted and touched by that.
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Colonel Marshall Sumner: Go... to... hell!
Female Wraith: Earth first!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, medicine is about as much of a science as... oh, I don't know, voodoo?
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Carson Beckett: [sighs] We believe ATA or Ancient Technology Activation is caused by a single gene that's always on. Instructing various cells in the body to produce a series of proteins and enzymes
[McKay is staring at syringe]
Carson Beckett: that interact with the skin, the nervous system and the brain. In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Looking worried] A mouse retrovirus?
Carson Beckett: It's been deactivated.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, are there any side effects?
Carson Beckett: Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run in a small wheel...
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Dr. Kavanagh: I happily left the SGC because I had had it up to here with the military running things, and you just busted me like a private.
Elizabeth Weir: Don't be so dramatic. Besides, the Air Force doesn't even have privates.
Dr. Kavanagh: Neither do I. You just cut them off. Right in front of my research team.
Elizabeth Weir: That's what this is about? You're embarrassed?
Dr. Kavanagh: Well, humiliated would be a little more accurate.
Elizabeth Weir: I haven't worked up to humiliation yet.
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Lt. Aiden Ford: [looking at Wraith called Steve] You know, he looks kinda peaceful...
Carson Beckett: [outraged about having to take its blood] Peaceful? You're out of your bloody mind!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: So... just to confirm, we're all still... definitely not dead.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, assuming that we're still alive, and there doesn't appear to be any damage as a result of the pulse, I think we can safely conclude that, uh... um...
[long pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I got nothing. I mean I've got nothing to conclude, I was just... talking for the sake of talking.
Maj. John Sheppard: You sure you're ok?
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know how much I hate certain death?
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Dr. Rodney McKay: All I know is that she's not who she's pretending to be.
Elizabeth Weir: And you know this because...?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, I'm not allowed to have intuition?
Elizabeth Weir: You? No.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Let's not be too quick to exclude the possibility that the woman might be, uh... what is the clinical term? "nuts"?
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Maj. John Sheppard: [the team is looking for signs of the Wraith] Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I've got something here.
Lt. Aiden Ford: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I dunno. I got a little...
[trails off while walking away]
Lt. Aiden Ford: You've got a little what?
[grinning]
Lt. Aiden Ford: Hey, McKay, you've got a little what?
[Sheppard looks at him]
Lt. Aiden Ford: What?
[Sheppard gives him a dirty look and follows McKay]
Lt. Aiden Ford: Oh, it's okay when you guys make fun of me.
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Carson Beckett: What do I say?
Lt. Aiden Ford: [looks up from camera] I dunno... how about "Wish you were here" ?
Carson Beckett.: [looking around, turns on Ford] I wish who was here?
Lt. Aiden Ford: I dunno. Who do you wish was here?
Carson Beckett: No-one! I wish I wasn't bloody here!
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Carson Beckett: ...well if I've learned one thing, Mum, it's that we Earthlings are ver...
Lt. Aiden Ford: Doc! You can't say that!
Carson Beckett: What?
Lt. Aiden Ford: Earthlings. It's compromising security!
Carson Beckett: She knows I'm from Earth, son! It's not a bloody secret!
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[about McKay]
Daniel Jackson: He's Canadian.
General Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: Did I mention that I know almost everything about almost everything?
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Lt. Aiden Ford: How could something as big as Atlantis just sink?
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm sure the passengers on the Titanic were asking themselves the same thing.
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Elizabeth Weir: You were right.
Carson Beckett: Lovely... About what?
Elizabeth Weir: Your theory of the Wraith evolving after the Ancients arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You've got to be kidding me.
Dr. Zelenka: Pay up!
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Dr. Rodney McKay: [when the Daedalus becomes infected with a computer virus] Oh, crap!
Hermiod: What did you do?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I ran it through a translation program, the virus is Wraith.
Hermiod: Crap, indeed.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: 95% of deadly is still deadly!
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Maj. Lorne: Wow - you must really be some kind of genius!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, as a matter of fact, I, um... wait a minute. See, why would you say that now?
Maj. Lorne: Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, yeah, like I didn't see that one coming, huh?
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[Teyla, Sheppard, Dex, McKay and the prisoner Eldon approach their grounded puddle jumper and some prisoners waiting to ambush them in the episode "Condemned"]
Maj. John Sheppard: At least we've got the element of surprise.
Ronon Dex: I was beginning to think you were afraid to fight.
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm just naturally lazy, but I will if I have to - and it's starting to look like we have to.
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Elizabeth Weir: [Elizabeth is chastising Rodney in the background] You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.
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Maj. John Sheppard: [Sheppard and soldiers beam down from Deadelus] Secure Stargate Operations.
[looks around the Gate room]
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, I'm home.
Elizabeth Weir: [John turns to see Elizabeth approaching. Suddenly she hugs him for several moments then releases him looking relieved] Yes. You are. I truly thought ...
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, yeah. I thought the same thing about you a minute ago. We gotta stop that.
Elizabeth Weir: [chuckles] I'd like that.
Maj. John Sheppard: [sounding flustered] So, uh, where are we?
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Col. Steven Caldwell: [referring to Sheppard] You two are pretty close, aren't you?
Elizabeth Weir: Well, we've been through a lot together. Yes.
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Commander Acastus Kolya: [over radio] Major Sheppard, how's this for credibility? Weir's dead.
Maj. John Sheppard: I am going to kill you.
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Maj. John Sheppard: [over radio] Weir's alive?
Commander Acastus Kolya: Dr. McKay was able to make a convincing argument for keeping her around.
Maj. John Sheppard: Let me talk to her!
Elizabeth Weir: Sheppard! We're both here.
Maj. John Sheppard: [relieved] It's good to hear your voice.
Elizabeth Weir: Yeah. It's good to hear.
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Maj. John Sheppard: [referring to Wraith bite] So, how am I doing?
[not getting a response]
Maj. John Sheppard: Anything that's got you speechless has me worried.
Elizabeth Weir: You're going to be fine.
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, that's "dead man" talk.
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Maj. John Sheppard: "You're going to be fine"? "Beckett'll figure this out"? You really suck at the whole "bedside manner" thing.
Elizabeth Weir: I know. I'm sorry.
Maj. John Sheppard: But I appreciate the effort.
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Maj. John Sheppard: [handing over item wrapped in cloth] Happy birthday.
Elizabeth Weir: [opens gift] It's beautiful. How'd you find out?
Maj. John Sheppard: Mum's the word.
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Elizabeth Weir: [to Caldwell about Sheppard] You making sweeping changes to how Sheppard ran things only hours after assuming the position sends only one message; that he's not coming back!
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Maj. John Sheppard: R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off.
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[Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise]
Maj. John Sheppard: That's her!
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the Wraith?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.
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Dr. Rodney McKay: You see, the thing is, Col. Sheppard and I have sorta gotten into this habit of saving each others' lives and it's my turn.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: It can be your turn next.
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there is more but the list is to long xD