MICHAEL BAY
The film opens from a beautiful colorful cosmic panorama. The camera flies through the Universe and gradually slows down, focuses on one reddish-red planet... Approaching the planet, a ship of the navigators' guild enters the frame large. It's getting closer and closer to the planet...
In general terms, the gigantic ship is already entering the atmosphera of Dune... AND BANG!!!!!!! EXPLODES!!!!!
Explosions and debris black out the screen for several minutes as the gargantuan ship continues its descent into the planet. When a minute has passed, among random debris, suddenly one small dot flies out of a placer of burning fragments. The camera follows her and gradually develops.
In front of a GIANT EXPLOSION against the sands the Navigator Guild ship, for the fifth minute now, a brave little ornithopter, has been trying to break out of the clouds of debris and flame. The camera flies around the ornithopter several times, getting closer until it finally bites into the windshield, behind the object of the brave Count Leto Atreides, with soot and sweat on his face, trying to steer his unfortunate ornithopter out of the general dump of flames and explosions (Yes, yes, Count himself... Mr.Bay, as always, not care about lore).
The camera again falls from the ornithopter and shows it already flying away at sunset...
HOW SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE SAND, A GIANT SHAI-HULUD EMERGES OUT OF THE SAND AND BITE INTO THE UNHAPPY ORNITOPTER!!!!!
With a heroic power-up, Count Atreides is driving the ornithopter's remains out of the mouth of a GIANT SANDWORM!!! BUT HERE ALREADY 4 SANDWORMS BREAK OUT OF THE SANDS OF THE DUNE!!! SHAI-HULUD AND EACH OF THEM TRYING TO BITE WITH THEIR GIANT JAWS studded with THOUSANDS OF TEETH THE UNFAIR REMAINS OF ORNITOPTER IN FLIGHT...
But they all wave past! Falling down GIANT worms in a quick display on the screen forms 4 letters: “DUNE” ...
The screen fades to black: “Michael Bay Presents”...
Optionally, add EXPLODING Shai-Huluds.
ROMAN POLANSKI
Paul Atreides is sleeping. Waking up, he does not want to play sports with anyone and does nothing. Later, he cannot sleep because hear the sounds of f*cking Alia and Duncan's ghola. Alia is off to Arrakis for a week. Later returns. Gurney drowned in a spice bath. Sufir Hawat lies stabbed to death under the sofa. A sandworm is rotting on the table. The long arms of the Harkonnens are twitching to Paul.
SERGIO LEONE
The main characters are two smugglers (Lee Van Cliff and Eli Wallach) and officers of the Harkonnen guard (Henry Fonda). The plot of the film is around the spice hidden in the desert. An open war between the Harkonnens and the Fremen of Muad'dib prevents getting to it. Both sides are shown as completely assholes.
The culmination of the film is a fifteen-minute duel scene under the music of Morricone.
WERNER HERZOG
Completely native Fremen in fabric capes trying to fill up a 50-meter papier-mâché worm, throwing knives at him. Baron Klaus Kinski, sitting in a 100-meter palace obsessed with spice mining, falls into a frenzy at Corrino's decision. In the 300-meter underwater skyscraper, the Atreides are not even aware of the impending disaster. Paul is borned premature, he is hunchbacked and one-eyed, but Nastassja Kinski very successfully plays his mother.
Charakters talks all sorts of nonsense, because the dialogues in the scenario are not spelled out.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN #1
Chani died in her youth from a rapidly developing disease called DETONATOR. Paul is going through a drama to avoid the destruction of the personality, undertakes fruitless events to find the sources of the DETONATOR. However, the DETONATOR does not kill everyone in a row. He divides the survivors into several groups. One of them is Sardaukars. These are people with abilities, probably changed by DETONATOR, but in a random way. For example, it made Baron Harkonnen an overweight, fat and very powerful telepatic.
The other group is Fremen. These are people who have known the deep essence of the DETONATOR. (A scene with Fremen in strict suits, with mirrors and surrounding plans is obligatory. The content of the dialogues is absolutely unimportant, they still gobble up memes and quotes). Paul searching both, those and others, elicits from everyone where the DETONATOR is. The Baron prevents him from interfering. Battles within the minds of Paul and the Baron. After defeating the Baron, Paul performs a knife trick on Feyd-Rautha. The mentats are spinning the top, Worms casually gnaw through the space.
In the final of movie, it is justified that all this may be practiced in Paul's head. DETONATOR - his heart. Paul dies, DETONATOR goes off, heart stops. But along with this DETONATOR, the destruction of both the Baron and Dune is now free.
The viewer leaves the cinema with a feeling of his own insignificance and complete creative impotence.
GUY RITCHIE
The film opens with Fremen selling spice on the frontier. Paul, of course, is played by Jason Stetham.
Paul loses a lot of spice in cards to the Harkonnens, finds Gypsy Fremen who can help him to rob the Worm. They rob Worm, interspersing the robbery with jokes about pubs, samanian pubs, knives and dildos. At the end, Sting puts them beer in the pub.
DAVID LYNCH 20 YEARS LATER (AGAIN)
The plot begins with the murder of a young actress Irulan, who taked spice. Special agent Atreides is sended to the planet Arrakis, where the murder happened. To solve the murder, Paul take the spice, he begins to have visions of red velvet and blue dwarfs. 2 hours of glitches and blue flashes, broken dialogues and incomprehensible symbols. At the end, Paul understand that he was that actress.
Millions explanations and interpretations in the Internet.
On jet propulsion from farts of fans of the book, you can launch an expedition to Musk.
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN #2
The immediately PG-13. The trailer promises visionary sci-fi with incredible visuals. But the film opens with a ridiculous scene between Baron Harkonnen (Tom Hardy with a mask covering the lower part of his face) and a mentat with wacky dialogue that becomes a new meme.
- And if you put your hand in gom-jabbar?
- It will hurt a lot...
- You're a big guy.
- For you.
The only one scene in the film have a real practical sandworm. Other action scenes are poorly filmed shootouts from ordinary machine guns and mediocre fights, not the slightest drop of blood. The setting is made on the basis of ordinary terrestrial megacities and is extremely boring and mundane. Paul Atreides's father (Michael Caine) grunts funny before he dies.
The characters do not communicate with each other, but pronounce expositions of themselves, the plot and the deep messages of the director. Or they joke polished, unfunny jokes.
Paul Atreides (Cillian Murphy) is trained by the Fremen in a half-hour montage to Zimmer's bombastic music. After defeating the Harkonnens, Paul discovers the startling truth - the spice is the essence of love, which his father synthesized long time ago.
GEORGE MILLER
The story goes that Paul Atreides once stole a harvester full of melange from Vladimir Harkonnen. But as it turned, find a lot of Duncan Idaho gholas on board. The entire movie is one big harvester race across the sands of Dune to and from the sietch. Paul personally blinds and blows up the insane Feyd-Rautha at the controls of the ornithopter.
On the way back, Shai-Hulud "Man-Eater" stumbles upon the chase, but he is blown up by a stoneburner. Vladimir dies when his heart valve is torn out.
The film was shot for a year and a half on the real remains of a transport abandoned by the UGIL in Syria and transported by fans to the Sahara.
INDIAN BOLYWOOD STYLE
Young Paleh Atrad dancing and singing about his love to Fedruta, the daughter of the evil Maharaja Harkon. Ensemble Bene Gesserit in colorful saris dance together with him. The daughter not against, but Harkon finds out about it and rolls his eyes furiously. He throws Paleh's relatives into prison, and locks Fedruta in a back room of the palace.
Paleh escapes and begins the fight against tyranny. In this he is helped by poor but brave slum dwellers who are forced to trade in spice, but only because Harkon not allow them to work legally.
As a result, Paleh defeats Harkon, make free Fedruta and his relatives, but in the process finds true love - a modest girl from the slums named Chani.
But Fedruta dont mind - during house arrest, she managed to fall in love with Paleh’s father, while communicating with him in prison.
At the end, everybody dancing against the backdrop of the Worm. The Worm dancing too.
As it turns out, Shai-Hulud is the son of Harkon, lost in infancy, from the loss of which he became evil, and did not want to let go of the only remaining child.
BROTHERS LUMIER
THE WORM CRAWL TO THE SIDE OF THE SCREEN.
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Writed by BookWyrn, 26.12.2017
Original text here: Pikabu.ru
