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SPOILERS!!!! ...Seriously? His name is Alan WAKE? He basically fights a living nightmare and his last name is Wake? Sigh...

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Alan Wake is a self-dubbed PSYCHOLOGICAL ACTION GAME. Psychological makes me think of aliens raping a human brain. Action reminds me of a steroid pumped soldier named Rambo shooting anything that says "BONZAI!!"

Alan Wake is about a writer with personal problems that becomes tormented by nightmarish smalltown folk. You know, like that book Stephen Kind wrote 80 gazillion times before. Anyway, Alan Wake starts with the oh so original beginning. Having a nightmare that involves running through creepy woods and being chased by some dude with an axe. Alan Wake-s up... see what I did there? Anyway... Alan Wakes up and things are apparently normal. BUT WAIT!! Things soon take a turn for the worst and creepy little shadow people come to tear your children from your reproductive organ.

One of my first gripes is the stupid little narration Alan provides. What's that Alan? There is a clue in the woods filled with murderous town folk? THAT IS A DUMB BALLS IDEA! What Alan? There are killers chasing you? I COULDN'T TELL FROM THE AXE MARKS IN MY FACE!

If you have not guessed by now, the game treats you like an idiot with some sort of idiot tumor. If my previous examples were not good enough, here is another one. When a monster suddenly appears, the camera zooms in and guess who will narrate? Why thank you for stating the obvious Mister Wake, we wouldn't want this game to get scary now would we?

One thing that Alan Wake truly gets done with excellence is the mood and atmosphere. The atmosphere is very creepy. Early in the game you are chased into a creepy wooden shack. The tv's in the shack pop up to show a bloodshot eye and some creepy stalker laughing insanely. But guess who narrated. Sigh. Alan Wake is definitely psychological, but the action bit comes up short. Sure you can shoot things, but you will see them coming, because stupid little Alan says:" I hear something in the bushes." Then a monster pops out and we are expected to yelp in surprise.

What I do like is the possession scenes. In these scenes dark forces possess inanimate objects and fling them at you like a drunken housewife that got back from Twilight (HAHAHA!) But sadly, once again, Alan Wake points out the obvious that flying objects are trying to give you a concussion. All in all, Alan Wake is full of bad decisions. Bad Action, Bad Story (Predictable), Good Atmosphere, and THOSE DAMN BLANK FACED UNMOVING EYED CHARACTERS. Can you please wear a shirt that says: Hey you oblivious jerk, I AM POSSESSED.

Alan Wake gets a 3 out of 5.

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