Portality mod

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Portal player, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously concerned, Portal player backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved cake was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, portal gun. Portal player had known portal gun for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones. portal gun was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... pestering. Portal player called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

portal gun picked up to a very angry Portal player. portal gun calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats panic before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Portal player. Why was portal gun trying to distract Portal player? Because he had snuck out from Portal player's with the cake only eight days prior. It was a curious little cake... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Portal player got back to the subject at hand: his cake. portal gun yawned. Relunctantly, portal gun invited him over, assuring him they'd find the cake. Portal player grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, portal gun realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the cake and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Portal player took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least seven minutes before Portal player would get there. But if he took the portal gun? Then portal gun would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, portal gun was interrupted by four pestering gladoss that were lured by his cake. portal gun yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aimlessly reached for his ripened avocado and carefully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the portal gun rolling up. It was Portal player.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Portal player was out of the portal gun and went wildly jaunting toward portal gun's front door. Meanwhile inside, portal gun was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the cake into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. portal gun was worried but at least the cake was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' portal gun charismatically purred. With a quick push, Portal player opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive zealous...zealot in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' portal gun assured him. Portal player took a seat excruciatingly close to where portal gun had hidden the cake. portal gun sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Portal player was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, portal gun noticed a insensitive look on Portal player's face. Portal player slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

portal gun felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when Portal player asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the cake right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Portal player's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Portal player nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before portal gun could react, Portal player randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The cake was plainly in view.

Portal player stared at portal gun for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, portal gun groped flamboyantly in Portal player's direction, clearly desperate. Portal player grabbed the cake and bolted for the door. It was locked. portal gun let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Portal player,' he rebuked. portal gun always had been a little insensitive, so Portal player knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before portal gun did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his cake tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

portal gun looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Portal player. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Portal player. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. portal gun walked over to the window and looked down. Portal player was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Portal player was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind portal gun's place. Portal player had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral gladoss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the cake. One by one they latched on to Portal player. Already weakened from his injury, Portal player yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of gladoss running off with his cake.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Portal player's cake. Feeling exasperated, God smote the gladoss for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and jetted away with the fortitude of 2,000 Indonesian devil cats running from a little pack of legless puppies. Portal player flipped with joy when he saw this. His cake was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, online news, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet rusty razor blade'). Portal player was jubilant. And so, everyone except portal gun and a few hand grenade-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.