DISCLAIMER: I MEAN NO OFFENCE TO JEWS, PEOPLE WHOSE PARENTS ARE DEAD, BAT-PEOPLE, OR FOLK WHO WEAR DRUG-POWERED GAS MASKS ON THEIR FACES. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
How Bane and Batman Stole Channukkah
Every Jew down in Jew-ville liked Channukkah a lot
But Bane and his roommate Batman, who lived just North of Jew-ville
ehh. Not so much.
Bane disliked Channukkah, the whole week of festivities
Now please don't ask why, he just has a rustle in his jimmies.
It could be that his facemask wasn't tied on just right
It could be, perhaps, that his coat was too tight.
But I think, the likliest reason to date
Were that Jews were simply too easy to hate
But whatever the reason, his mask, coat or shoes
He just stood there on Channukkah day, looking down on the Jews
"Stupid Jews." Quipped Bane. Bane knew that all the Jews down in Jew-ville below
were not christian, and that, he assumed, was the first thing to go.
"WHATRE YOU UP TO, BANE?" Batman rasped, rather loudly.
"I'm standing outside, disliking Jews, rather soundly."
"WHY ARE YOU RHYMING, THAT'S DUMB, BANE."
"YOU'RE RHYMING WITH THE TEXT. DON'T DO THAT."
Bane rolled his eyes at the Batman, then he sat
Staring down at the town, then up came the bat
"DUDE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM SO MUCH, WE CAN MOVE YOU KNOW"
He sneered, with his fat fingers nervously drumming
"I simply must stop THIS Channukkah from coming!"
"...WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, THERE'S LIKE, 8 DAYS. AND THE PARENTS WILL JUST BUY THE KIDS MORE CRAP TO REPLACE THE OTHER STUFF."
"Shh. You're ruining the plot."
Then Bane went into his room, and began to think up a thought.
He knew every Jew down in Jew-ville beneath
was busy now, spinning dreidels and hanging... eh. Channukkah wreaths.
Bane growled, for tomorrow he knew, all the Jew girls and boys
would wake up bright and early, do their chores, then shuffle towards their toys
They'd rush to their Wii U and brand knew PS4s,
Ignoring the traditions thier grandparents made, before.
They'd look at the XBOX One,
but that thing's no fun.
All the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast, and they'd feast
AND NONE OF IT HAD YEAST
They'd start on Jew-Pudding and Rare Jew-Roast-Totally-Not-Ham-What-Are-You-Talking-About-Beast
Which was something Bane could not stand in the least
Mostly because Bane wasn't invited to these sorts of feasts
They'd do something Bane liked LEAST of all!
Every Jew down in Jew-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Channukkah bells ringing
They'd stand hand in hand, and the Jews would start FROWNING.
They'd frown, and they'd frown
And they'd frown, frown some more
And the more Bane thought of this Jew-Channukah-Thing
Bane thought and he thought "I will take this no more!"
"Why for fifty-three years, I've put up with it now!"
"BANE, YOU'RE LIKE, THIRTY-SEVEN." Batman quipped.
"I simply MUST stop Channukkah from coming to town! But HOW?!"
Then He got an idea
An Awful idea
Got a wonderful
"BANE IF YOU'RE THINKING OF USING MY BATMOBILE TO RUIN CHANNUKKAH, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING."
Then Bane got another idea.
"I know just what to do!" Bane laughed in his throat
And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and just painted his coat.
And he chuckled and clucked "What a devilish trick!"
"With this hat and my coat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"BANE THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN SANTA. AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO DRESS UP LIKE THE STAR OF DAVID OR SOMETHING."
"Batman, why do you gotta rain on my parade? Were your parents Jewish or something?"
"NO BANE, THEY'RE DEAD."
"Now all I'll need is a reindeer."
Bane looked around, but since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Bane? No, Bane simply said,
"If I can't FIND a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
"YOU GET NEAR ME WITH ANY HORNS OR STUFF, YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF WITH ONE LESS EYE."
Then Robin had entered the room
"Guys, come on, I can't find the broom!"
The two of them looked at each other, then Bane took some red thread
and tied a big horn on the top of Robin's head.
"...anyone want to explain what's going on here?"
"BANE'S BEING STUPID AGAIN." Batman said with a sneer.
"HEY, QUIT THAT. I AIN'T RHYMING, YOU DUMB NARRATOR."
Then he loaded some bags, and some old sacks for robbing
on a ramshackle sleigh, and he hitched up poor Robin.
"WELL, I MAY AS WELL COME ALONG, MAKE SURE YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TOO STUPID."
Then Batman whipped Robin
and the sleigh started down
Towards the homes where the Jews
Lay asleep in their town.
All the windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air
All the Jews were all dreaming dreams without care
When they came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one, Batman." the old Baney-Claus hissed
and he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fists.
Batman used his Grappling Hook, and met him in half the time
he just folded his arms and went along with the rhyme.
Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight squeeze.
Some ashes got into Batman's nose, and he let out a sneeze.
Bane got stuck only once, for a moment or two
then he stuck out his head from the fireplace flue.
What did he see? Not one single Jew.
"This will be easier than stealing from you!"
"WAIT HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STEALING FROM ME, WHAT THE HELL, BANE."
Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant
Around the whole room, and he stole every present!
Dreidels, and David Stars, Video Games, chives!
Checkerboards, Tricycles, and Circumcision Knives!
He stuffed them in bags, then Bane, Very nimbly,
stuffed every last bag, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he crept to the icebox, he took the Jew's... money?
"Who keeps cash in a fridge? That's really quite funny."
He took the Jew-pudding! He took the mystery beast!
he stole every last scrap of the poor Jew family's feast.
He cleaned out the fridge just as quick as The Flash
Why, Bane even took their last can of Jew-Hash.
He stuffed all that food (and cash) up the chimney with cheer,
"And now" Grinned Bane, "I'll drink all their beer!"
"...NO BANE, THAT'S AN AWFUL IDEA, THIS IS STILL JUST THE FIRST HOUSE."
Bane grabbed the Menorah, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like a cough from a dove
he turned around quick and he saw a small Jew
Diddley-Diddley-Doo Jew, who was no more than Two.
Bane and his Roommate had been caught by this little Jew daughter
Who had got out of bed for a cup of cold water
She stared at Bane and said "Batman. Santa Claus, dude.
"You've got the wrong family. My mommy sleeps in the nude."
Bane looked at his chum, and Batman shrugged at his pal,
Bane just stood there, unsure what to tell the small gal.
"Why are you taking our candle stick, guys?
"There's a Wii in the corner, that's a much better prize."
She headed to bed, glass of water in hand,
Then she shut the door, and listened to a punk-metal band.
"Yeah, we're outta here."
They left that weird house, leaving not but a morsel
Not even enough to feed a small turtle.
Then they did the same thing to the other Jew's houses.
Leaving crumbs much too small to feed tiny mouses.
It was a quarter past dawn with the Jews still in bed
Bane and Batman stuffed up poor Robin's sled.
Packed it up with their presents, their games and the wrappings
The food, the money, the trimmings and trappings.
Three THOUSAND feet up, up to their ramshackle apartment
They rode to the tippy-tip-top on the roof there to dump it.
"Stupid Jews!" he was snarkily humming
"They're finding out now no Channukkah's coming!"
"BANE, LEMME TELL YA, THIS IS ONE OF YOUR WORST IDEAS YET."
"If you help me stow this stuff, I'll give you 50 percent."
"They're just waking up and I'll know just what they do."
"Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two"
"Then all the Jews down in Jew-ville will all cry 'Boo-hoo!"
"...BANE YOU'RE A SICK PUPPY, Y'KNOW THAT?"
"That's a cry" grinned old Bane "That I simply must hear."
So he paused, and old Bane put a hand to his ear.
Batman stood in the snow, freezing up to his rear.
But Bane did hear a sound rising over the snow.
The sound of shopping, and wrapping! "OH NO!"
"Batman, you were right! They simply bought more!
"How come you didn't tell me it lasted seven days more?!"
"Oh. Well, why didn't you tell me they were just going to buy more stuff?"
"Oh. Well, how do they expect to buy anything when we have all their money?"
"YOU DIDN'T TAKE ALL OF IT. FROM WHAT I HEAR, THEY FILL THEIR HOUSES WITH THE STUFF, STOWING IT IN ALL SORTS OF PLACES. EVEN IF YOU TAKE QUITE A BIT, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE IT ALL."
Bane, with his old feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling. "How could this be so?"
"Where'd they stuff all that cash?"
"I'm pretty sure it was even in their Jew-Hash."
"Maybe Channukka" he thought. "Doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Channukka, perhaps, means a little bit more."
"NO, IT DEFINITELY COMES FROM A STORE. I MEAN, THEY'RE JUST BUYING BACK ALL THE STUFF YOU TOOK."
"Oh. Well, that's it then."
Yep. That's it.