NuBiTo

Evil Lemon™ joined

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the daemon, I shall fear nothing. For I am what the daemon fears.

RSS A story of Courage

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He spent years fighting a punishing war against enemies who are demigods allied with daemons, and now finds himself in the closest thing to Hell he's ever known. He probably wasn't even supposed to get teleported up to the arch-traitor's battle barge in the first place, and just being in the wrong place at the worst possible time.
Yet despite everything, he survived horrors beyond comprehension to make his way to the very bridge of Horus' flagship. There he saw a veritable angel calling upon Horus to answer for his crimes, and he saw that angel die as mercilessly as any common man. His Emperor - who he fervently believes is a god incarnate, even if he's not supposed to - lies mortally wounded, and Horus, perhaps, has taken a moment to gloat before he strikes the killing blow.
Armed with armor is slightly more effective than tissue paper and a weapon slightly more powerful than a flashlight, there he stood against Horus whose single claw was already bigger than the man himself. He stands before a being infused by the dark gods with incalculable power that can and will obliterate his soul with no more effort than it would take to blink an eye. Nothing he can do could possibly make a difference.
He could run. He could turn his weapon on himself. He could give in to the insidious whispers that echo from the ship's corridors. But succumb to temptation he didn't. Ollanius Pius does the duty his Emperor requires of him. He dies standing, holding the line.


Recently i took part in a short story writing competition where the max word count was 300. There was no min number of of words. So Yeah, by the time you read this, the competition is probably over. Should you see this before the 6TH OF AUGUST 2012, please rate between 1-10 where 1 is the worst and 10 is the best. Opinions would be appreciated

Comments
MichaelTannock
MichaelTannock

I give it a 7: its themes feel like they're borrowed heavily from other sources, such as Warhammer and Stargate, but it was nevertheless an entertaining read, in no small part to your use of evocative language.

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m82sniper
m82sniper

Nice diction, and interesting syntax. As Tannox said, I got Stargate vibes as I read.

"and just being in the wrong place at the worst possible time."
That fragment was a little weird, really didn't fit with the rest of the sentence, maybe replacing "and just being" with "and was just" would have been a good idea.

Aside from that a pretty cool read. 8/10

On a side note, I had this playing while reading: Youtube.com
Made it a little more worth it :p

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NuBiTo Author
NuBiTo

Thanks for your reviews! Yeah my story was based on Warhammer lore. More specifically during the Horus Heresy. Didn't know anything about stargate lol. But i still need more opinions and honest reviews. The more reviews and opinions i get the better my future improvements will be. remember that the limit is only 300 words. Mine has already about 260 words. So in total i can only play around with 40-50 words.

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