"For honor!", he roared across the battlefield. The fighting stopped as the combatnts turned towards the disturbance, there in the setting sun stood a lone warrior, his armor was faimlier, reminiscent of the old crusader armor. She looked all that distance, peering into the red eyes of the helm, but somehow she knew, as if there was no helm at all. At long last, after nearly a decade, he was home.
Their champion had returned, yet once more, he had changed, no more was he boisterously cutting down his foe, no longer does he seem to enjoy the battle. He utters prayer after prayer, seeming in rhythm to his blows. His power had increased immensly, no longer could the Chaos Space Marines stand before him. Yet he could not bear to look at them, he clearly recalls what he had done, but a decade ago.
The Chaos Space Marines broke, powerless without thier gods, they fled, he had come back for them. The battle fiannly died down, blasted bodies litterd the ground, pieces of 501st and Black Legion armor strewn around like garbage. He stabbed his mighty blade into the dirt, it seemed to buckle and scream under the power. He began praying, he spoke in his peoples old toungh, his voice was enchanting, almost spell-like. It sounded more akin to a mass prayer, the words flew from his lips. brining many to tears.
Cody stared thorugh the dust and rock, the figure seemed more akin to a ghost, a apparation in the wind. He charged through the rock, the bodies, the dust, it was hell on this world. "Eric?" he squeaked, the amount of joy he fealt nearly paralized his nervous systeam. The great helm turned towards him, majestic being an understatement, it was angellic in its glory. "That is a name I no longer am worthy of, I come here only to pay my deubt and continue my pennance" He rose, the aire of sorrow, shame, and anger around him is suffacating. "Your leaving again? Eric we need you, think of your daughter!" The warrior again turns to face him, "I have done more harm then good. I see where my path now lies, I cherished your friendship when I was mortal, but now it regreatbly cannot be so"
He proceeded to walk back towards his ship, She managed ro run up to him and grab his cape. "NO you can't leave us again!! Father please come home, were not mad any" A fully armored places itself against her lips. She again peers into the helm, his brillant blue eyes consumed by pain, tears flowing down the sides of his face. He falls to his knees, and places his hands on her shoulders. "If I offer you my soul, will you carry me away?" She stares at him for what seems like eons, not knowing what to say, he rises. "I not yet allowed to return, goodbye my friends, hopefully we may meet again" She began crying as the ship lifted off.
Here is some music for it.
Youtube.com
very good but u should get a little bit better vocabulary and edit it a little bit, but other than that it is really good.
Bleh. Hit the wrong but. Although I disagree with the vocabulary part (you don't need big words to make a great story) but it does need some minor editing.
For example, every time someone speaks, they should have their own paragraph; makes it easier for the reader to understand who's talking.
Also, it's kind of unclear what the main character is, is he a Astartes (Loyalist or Traitor?) or a Guardsmen?
yea, it was just my pinion, but i totally agree with you
Hes not any of those, hes a demi-god. I posted that its kinda mash-up of several sci-fis, it was Black Legion Vs 501st, and they were going to die but he returned to pay off his pennance. This was IMO the currently best written part, so I posted it to show you guys what to expect