Forum Thread
  Posts  
Looking for someone to help fix my story (Kaiser and the Chaos Clockworks) (Forums : Writing & Stories : Looking for someone to help fix my story (Kaiser and the Chaos Clockworks)) Locked
Thread Options
Nov 27 2015 Anchor

Hey guys, If there are any storyboard or writers who can help me "adjust" my storyline in my game to make it look more professional please do so, but anyways, allow me to show you the storyline:


Kaiser & The Chaos Clockworks Story: The Meridian Empire and Kaiser's Fate

Eons ago... there was an ancient empire whose reign lasted over 1,000 years or even more...
the reason the empire succesfully reign the entire continent because of one device...

this device was known as the chaos clockworks
the device was their life source, a battery in some sort, it kept the empire immortal and young, its energy is used to help the people, and the kings of old...

but however the king, Chronos and the queen, Reina had a child... the child was however "special" the child had the strength and will like his father...
the king, however was very proud of his son to have his bravery and strength within his child, he decided to call his child Kaiser,
since he thinks its a strong name for the new heir of the empire... however one day, the sage of history came in to see the new child
and to see his fate in the far future, he told him that his son's prophecy will be foretold, he said that the child will become a
new legend and soon will be the new king... however for this prophecy to be foretold, the sage told the king that he has to giveaway his own child
the king and queen, upset that their only son will have to be given away, they had to do what is done for his fate, they sent the child to the distant future,
hoping that his fate will be true, for good luck, the king gave his child a lucky amulet in hoping that can give him luck and memories of his old man...

but meanwhile, kaiser was however tooken a dna sample so that they can remake a perfect prince of the past in case his fate wasn't as good as they hoped for
the new cloned child was renamed Dimentios, and had the ability to control dimensions and darkness... years after, the king told his son to use his powers
to conquer other dimentions, so that the empire can be in control everywhere in the universe... but however as months go by, conquering dimentions, dimentios started to go insane...
dimentios, crazy with power and darkness, attacked his own empire so that he can use the power of the clockworks, to become a god and rewrite everything in his own way...
the king had no choice but to take him down once and for all, he sent his elite heroes to send him to the trap prism, a place of torture and punishment for the mentally insane...
however dimentios was however defeated by the heroes, but also destroyed half of the clockworks... causing the fall of the empire...

However, in the far future, the young hero kaiser, was sent to a foster home, in the home, he met 3 new friends, Leonidas (aka: Leon), Onett, and Alice
the 4 became good friends..


and so that is the story so far... (or is it?)

------------------------------

and if you want to hear it in a more comedic narration, here is a link to an audio file, showing my character (voiced by myself) reading the story to viewers of the audio file

Dec 10 2015 Anchor

Hi,

What is it you're actually looking for here? I mean I don't want to come across as difficult, but I'm not sure whether you're looking for feedback on the story, or whether this is a script and you want it proof-reading? Are you looking to learn whether this story makes a good backdrop for a game? Do you think there are problems in the plot that need looking at?

If you want to look more professional - and again, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that - I'd have a little read over this thread. One way to look professional is to use correct spelling, grammar and formatting to make it easier to read your text. That shows respect and consideration for language (which isn't really important but looks good in a writer), and for your audience/readers (which is really important).

A personal tip for you, based on what I've read: don't use ellipses (...). Ever. Ban them from your grammar for a month, forget about them. Then go read about how they work and slowly re-introduce them where appropriate. Ditto the word "however".

For what it's worth, writing is actually a very difficult skill. It's an art form. I've spent years practicing and I still have no idea what I'm doing, really. It's like drawing a line on paper doesn't make you an artist; being able to fill out a sentence does't make you a writer. It takes practice - and sometimes heartbreak - to develop those skills. Even if you're lucky enough to have natural talent.

I'd also add: it's OK not to be good at something. It's OK to seek help in your weaker areas, or to ask "Guys, I'm not sure, is this any good?". Maybe you're great at world-building but bad at plots. Maybe you write hilarious dialogue but struggle with grammar. Perhaps you're all about the big picture and poor at detail - or vice-versa. Maybe the writing and story-telling side of game design isn't your strong suit and you should focus on art or programming or management. That's all fine. Just know your limits.

I can't do art, music, self-promotion or speaking to girls. That's fine (mostly - I'd really really like to be able write music): I try to be aware of my weaknesses and adjust for them.

Best of luck!

Sep 30 2016 Anchor

Hello!
I am accepting writing commission, if you're interested.
Find out more details over here: Stellapurple.deviantart.com

For faster replies, you can email me at: codegeassstella@gmail.com

Nov 4 2016 Anchor

Hi

I'm willing to look deeper at your story and add a little depth to it.

And if this story has been made for a game, then the game genre, mechanics, etc is also important for the writer.

Mail me if you want...

thegoodguy70@gmail.com

GeneralJist
GeneralJist Project coordinator/ Producer, PR Lead, and Lead writer
Jan 15 2017 Anchor

No offense,

But the audio is cute.

Your voice perfectly fits your avatar, congrats !

Good luck.

--

16120.png
Need a classic Command & Conquer Tiberium Universe fix?

Reply to thread
click to sign in and post

Only registered members can share their thoughts. So come on! Join the community today (totally free - or sign in with your social account on the right) and join in the conversation.