Welcome men and women, boys and girls, to this brutal, high-speed ball game-to-the-grave we call Deathball. That's right, two teams of five, going head to head in a 20 minute round where surrender is not an option and murder isn't even a penalized!
"Hello everyone and welcome to the Murderbowl, the December Deathball event where every man can make his name, but only a few can walk out alive. I'm Joe Dick Webber..."
"And I'm Clarke G. Boozer."
"Tonight's event pits the infamous Forumites against the ModDB Spanners in a match that has been a long-time coming. The tournaments leading up to this point have been nothing but a bloody cabal, as these two icy contenders eyed one another from across the battlefield, ready to wage war with a ball."
"It's a five-on-five match tonight, folks. The Spanners are running a somewhat defensive 2-2 and a goalie, while the Forumites are bringing the heat with a 3-1 and a goalie formation."
"Here come the teams now. As you well know, every Deathball team contains five players, the fifth of which being a constantly rotating goalie to defend against the attacks of the rival team, while the rest of the players take up offensive positions across the field."
"The goal of Deathball is to shoot the ball into the opposing net to score, without getting obliterated in the process. Players can fire the ball into the net, walk it in, or even one-time it off a teammates weapon."
"Well said, Clarke. It looks like both teams are lining up to start the match. I'd like to remind you all that the Murderbowl is brought to you by the United States Navy: Accelerate Your Life!"
"And the ball is on the court...and the match has STARTED! Methulah lunges forward and hits Chunky in the back with his weapon, sending him flying into the air. He is shooting forward like a bullet, snatching up the ball. BugSport of the Forumites is running toward him, looking for a hit."
"Boosting is a common Deathball manuever, where one player shoots another in the back to propel him across the field at rapid speed. But as soon as you grab the ball, any hit with a weapon can kill you! Methulah dodges to the right, desperately looking to make a pass..."
"He jumps into the air, but...OOOH! He didn't see Cheapy behind him and he just got absolutely laid out. The ball is up in the air...but Cheapy gets under it and controls it. A great play!"
"But the Spanners aren't about to give it up so easily. Karuto and Intense are on his ass, chasing him up the field with murder in their eyes. Cheapy fakes left, fakes right, then passes it back field to Umg!"
"Beautiful pass there, Joe. Instead of just shooting it as hard as he could, Cheapy lobbed it through the air and managed to hit Umg right in stride. So Umg's got the ball now...he seems to be just waiting back there for somebody to get open..."
"Oh, hang on, it's a trap! Umg is hanging back in the Forumite Endzone, where any player on the opposing team can be instantly killed in a single hit! Chunky is still charging forward, ignoring the boundary lines, oh! It is allllllllllllll over for Chunky!"
"With Chunky down, Umg speeds out of the Forumite area and dashes down the sideline. Three Spanners close in on him...but Umg jumps up twice and fires a bullet pass up to Blck near the Spanner net!"
"But it is DEFLECTED! Nobody saw Raton there, leaping out of relative obscurity to pound the ball away from the Spanners end zone! The ball zips upfield again, bounces high against the audience shield and......yes, it is out of the arena! Ball reset to the center of the field!"
"Chunky, back in business, gets a boost from Raton and flies toward the ball. BugSport, sitting back minding the Forumite net, gives DarkCyde a boost and he is moving to meet Chunky. This is gonna hurt..."
"DarkCyde hits the ball first, but Chunky's on him in a second, pounding him out of commission with his launcher! I've never seen someone gib apart like that, Clarke."
"This looks like it might be the best opportunity yet for the Spanners. Chunky was playing defensively, so he's still got 2 men upfield...but the Forumite offense is closing in on him fast. He jumps up and...OH! Gets the pass off, but he gets crushed. At least he didn't gib again..."
"Two deaths in one round, that's going to sting the 'old ego."
"The ball is sailing through the air...Blck jumps for it, but it's just out of his reach. But up at the Forumite goal is Karuto...he's running forward, trying to catch it...he jumps...and slams the ball with his launcher! It zooms across the goal line works, leaving a brilliant tracer behind it!"
"And there's Intense, leaping into the air with determination across his brow and revenge in his eye!"
"He readies his launcher and smashes the ball into the net. It traces a brilliant streak across the sky...and sneaks past the diving goalie! He might be faster, but he wasn't fast enough to stop that! GOAL SPANNERS!"
"Oh man, Clarke, that right there is why you watch this game. The back and fourth thrill of the match, the searing one on one player battles and the thrill of the split second goal, showering the arena in your team's fireworks. Let's see the replay."
"The goalie was on the other side of the net and didn't even have a chance. A textbook one-timer here...a stellar example of great teamwork."
"I think it is safe to say that this is going to turn into one heated match. Stay tuned, folks."
Special thanks go out to DolphinDude31, who wrote at least half of this article with me.