"Mike Litoris" is not actually my name... just so you know...

Report article RSS Feed Narrative #1

Posted by TheManwithafan on Aug 29th, 2013

Just a story I wrote last year, thought I might share with you guys. Its pretty long, but please comment on it, I'm interested in knowing what your reactions / critisism / thoughts on it are :D

It was broad daylight and Matthew parked the car
outside the front driveway of the house. His partner, Jonah was there with him.

The two police officers were called to investigate a recent
report of a multiple gunshots going off, and as they surveyed the house in
front of them one thing was clear: the house was in a dreadful condition. It
was 2 stories high and had old, shuttered window frames as well as rough, bristle
walls. The roof was poorly and irregularly tiled and looked like it was ready
to collapse. The door had been left open. The occupant, if it had one, clearly
had little concern for the house.

Matthew and Jonah had known each other since the
police academy and were very close friends. The two were both experienced police
officers and would always be there to watch each other’s backs. The two exited
the car and paced over to the house. The horrific state of the house clearly
suggested that no one in their right mind would live in it; however as police
officers they knew they could not let appearances deceive them. As the two
entered the house clouds started to form over the area.

Matt opened the door into the house. The house,
despite its looks from the outside was actually quite neat. Inside the house it
had stairs going up which were carpeted and rather clean. The floor was wooden
and shining. The walls looked as if they were freshly painted bright white.

“Check upstairs.” Matthew orders.

“Roger that.” Jonah responds.

Matt went to his right, into the dining hall which was
also quite tidy. The table looked as if it had been prepared for someone; it
had knives, forks and plates all set up and a big flower pot in the centre.
There was no one in the dining room and Matt moved on into the next room;
however, as he looked back, something caught his attention. One of the knives
on the table had a bit of red on it. As he held it, it was clear that it was
blood. First thoughts would be to take the knife in as evidence, but it would have
been best to make sure the house was clear of all threats first. But as he
turned around to continue searching the house, he saw Jonah walking towards

“Is upstairs clear?” He asked.

No response from him. He had a blank expression on his
face and it was clear he was focused on one thing.

“What’s wrong?” And just as Matt said that, Jonah
reached for his gun.


“What are you doing – “At that moment Matt realized Jonah
was pointing his gun directly at him. Knowing Jonah for all long time, he knew
that attempting to reason with him is useless. Jonah was a guy that was going
to do what he was going to do.

Matt processed all the possibilities in his head. If
he didn’t do something, his head will get blown off. If he reached for his gun,
it would take too long and he would get shot. He was still holding the
blood-stained knife in his right hand. He knew what to do.

Using his left hand, he grabs Jonah’s right wrist,
which was holding the gun, and pulls his wrist to the side and lines up the knife
with Jonah’s gut. However Jonah sees this and he catches his knife with his
free left hand and shoves Matthew forward, knocking him back and causing him to
lose grip of the knife. Matt regains his stance and leaps forward and tackles Jonah
to the ground, knocking his possession of the gun off. Jonah manages to get a hold
on Matthew by holding him to his chest and holding him in a choke-hold position
on the ground. Jonah holds his neck ferociously, unwilling to let go. Matt
began to lose consciousness, and could feel his breath getting weaker and

Matthew thought quickly, and grabbed Jonah’s right arm
which was holding him down and reaches for his elbow.  He grabs the edge of his elbow and pinches
the ulnar nerve, a sensitive nerve that when compressed leaves the victim
briefly paralyzed, and this caused Jonah to release his grip on Matt’s throat.
Matthew regains his breath back, and Jonah throws him off. The two stand up,
regaining their strength. Jonah clearly had the intention of killing him, but Matt
could not do the same to an old friend. But he had to stop him somehow.

Before he could let out a word, Jonah charged at him.
There wasn’t a time for explanation. He lunges at Matt, stepping forward, and
as he did Matthew side-stepped his charge, opened up his right hand, his thumb pointing
downwards, and grabbed the back of his neck. The brief pause in between was
enough time for Matt to revise his strategy and figure out how he could beat Jonah.
Recognizing Jonah’s fighting capabilities, he knew exactly what to do. He
sweeps his foot to cut off Jonah’s balance from underneath him and throws him
to the ground, and in one swift move, pulls his arm back, and with a massive
force knocks a blow to the rear of Jonah’s head, knocking him unconscious.

As he gained his breath back it was just then he had
realized what he had done. His closest friend had just tried to kill him. And
there had to be a good reason for that. Abruptly, he hears footsteps from
upstairs. Matthew pulls out his sidearm. Suddenly, a man in a police uniform
comes running down the stairs.



“Freeze!” Matt shouts. The man does not, but instead
pulls out his own handgun. Matt immediately moves to his right, into cover
while the man fires off a few shots. He jumps out of his cover, finger on the
trigger, ready to fire. The guy wasn’t there anymore. He had run out the front

“FREEZE!” Matt shouts as he moves towards the front
door. The guy responds by firing a couple of random shots while running, and
does not hit anything. He hides behind a tree in the bushes.

“What are you doing, officer?” Matt asks him.

There was a pause.

“Shut up!” He answers. He spoke in a very similar
voice to Matt. “Either way I’m going to die.”

“I’m a police officer. I can help yo-“

“YOU CAN’T HELP ME!” The man shouts back.

There was another pause.

The man started shooting at Matt again, before he ran
out of ammo. Matt could hear him cursing behind the tree. He appeared to reload
his weapon, so Matt aimed his gun, ready to shoot.

The man came out of the tree, his gun poised.

Matt had no choice.

He pulled the trigger.

In the brief moment that the man revealed himself,
Matt saw his face. It was a face he had known his entire life. The kind you
would see in a mirror. The face was eerily familiar.


One in the head, and two in the chest.

A cloud of red mist erupted from the guy’s head and
body. The lifeless body slumped onto the ground, lying flaccidly in the bushes.
The sky was still cloudy. From where he was standing Matt could not see his
body. It lay there, in the bushes, hidden from sight.


Curious to where the man had come from, Matt searched
the upper floor. There were four rooms all connected by a long hallway. Only
one room was open. Matt entered it. The room was an average sized room, with
nothing in it except for a few windows looking out into the street, and a
mirror. He looked outside. A chill went down his spine.

Something’s not right here… he thought as he
looked out the window. Then he realized what it was.

It was broad daylight.

And just as he noticed that, a police car parked
outside the front driveway of the house.

Matt couldn’t believe it.

Two people got out.

They were Jonah and Matthew.


What the fuck is going on?

Events are playing up again. He hears talking
downstairs. “Clear upstairs”. “Roger that.” He’s
coming up here. What do I do?
He could hear Jonah approaching the stairs. Matt
hides behind the door. Jonah enters the room. He turns around and sees Matt in
the corner.

“What the - ” he gets off just before Matt jumps at
him and puts his arms around his neck.

“Matt…what…are…you…doing here?” Jonah gasps.

“Look, I need to tell you something.” Matt says. “It
might come quite sudden, but I swear this is true. But you have to trust me.”

“….okay” Jonah says. Matt releases his grip and Jonah
falls to his knees, gasping for air. Matt tells Jonah everything, the
blood-stained knife and the strange police officer. However he leaves out the
story of their fight from before.

“Whoa….” Jonah exclaims.

“Huh…yeah. I know it is quite a bit to take in but I
swear this is true. Listen.” Matt says. “I need you to go downstairs and stop
me, stop me from killing that police officer. I need you to knock me
unconscious. You got it?”

“So you want me to knock you out?”

“Basically, yes.”

Jonah stares at him for a second, as if he doubts his
presence or his statements.

“Alright. I’ll do it. But only because I don’t want
you to kill the officer.” Jonah says.

“Okay.” Matt says.

Jonah makes his way out of the room, and Matt hears
him walk downstairs. He hears “Is upstairs clear”, and “What are you doing?”
before the rattle of the two assaulting each other becomes apparent.

Matt buries his face in his hands. This isn’t going to work he thinks. He
hears the fighting stop, and he holsters his gun and runs downstairs.

“Freeze!” He hears. Matt does nothing, and instead
pulls out his own handgun. He fires a few shots, knowing they’ll miss anyway.
He bolts for the door. “FREEZE!” He hears again. Matt fires a couple of random
shots again. He hides behind a tree in the bushes.

“What are you doing, officer?” He is asked. He doesn’t
reply at first, but his actions act before his thoughts. “Shut up!” He answers.
“Either way I’m going to die”

“I’m a police officer. I can help yo-“

“YOU CAN’T HELP ME!” He replies.

Matt looks at his chances. In all the entire buzz he can’t think
straight. All he feels like he can do is just start shooting again. He shoots
blindly in the officer’s direction, not hitting a thing. He curses himself
behind the tree. What do I do? All he
could think of is shooting, and now he can’t any longer. Now all he felt like
doing was leaving. Leaving everything in his life. He pulled out his sidearm’s
magazine, and puts it back in. Un-racks the slide. And then, for Matt, time
went very slowly. He came out of the tree, his gun poised.


And in the brief moment that he saw the officer, Matt saw his face. It
was a face he had known his entire life. The face was eerily familiar. It was
his face.


The officer fired.


And with that, Matt’s world turned to black.

Post comment Comments
MasterofMetal Sep 1 2013, 5:32am says:

Continuity and logic errors all over the place. Other than that, it's pretty good.

+3 votes     reply to comment
TheManwithafan Sep 1 2013, 8:51pm replied:

Yeah, continuity errors were kinda given :I
But logical? Could be more specific?

+1 vote     reply to comment
MasterofMetal Sep 1 2013, 9:48pm replied:

Logic as in the amount of time it takes to do one action isn't in synch with the others...
Old Matt tells New Jonah about everything that's just transpired. (A I would hardly believe him off the bat, (B it would take too long before New Jonah has to confront New Matt, just as Old Jonah confronted Old Matt. Also some of the dialogue doesn't make sense, and so do some of the actions. Matt says in the end he's going to die anyway, how does he come to that conclusion if he hasn't figured out he is the one he shot before?
That's what I mean by logic.

+1 vote     reply to comment
TheManwithafan Sep 1 2013, 10:31pm replied:

Yeah.. I guess so! :D That's all just random stuff I couldn't really fit in context.

+1 vote     reply to comment
Turkish007 Sep 1 2013, 9:30am says:

Hey this was interesting and in the meantime kind of a mind-**** :D

But I enjoyed it. Really tense story. What I couldnt understand is the bloody knife.

+3 votes     reply to comment
TheManwithafan Sep 1 2013, 8:52pm replied:

Haha yeah... I wrote this up in one so I didn't go back and check it haha. If I re-wrote it I would have the knife cut Jonah a bit.

+1 vote     reply to comment
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