I am a writer trying to get into the gaming business. I would like to write as well as give creative direction for a game or mod. I used to play those old Classics MUDs and even admin for one doing building, making mobs and areas for a while. I have been breaking into 3d modelling and animation working with a couple programs over the past couple of months. I did sculpture for several years in highschool working with shapes and geometry so modelling came very easily using a simple program called Anim8or. After of which I took it a step further and applied myself to learning maya more and that is the stage I am currently at. I have also written and published two titles "where the angels lost their way" and 'the gift of sin." I'm going to practice and post up my models or 3d graphics images from time to time please let me know if you would like to download any models or basis models for images.
I have some bullshit ass writer's block. This has got to be the worst luck i've had working all week. I mean I can't seem to do much of anything. I start and don't like it, then I start over. I must have started over several times and that's just the first page! I cannot imagine starting over when i'm like 30-40 pages deep. At that point i'll blow my freaking head off. I've even had modeler's block. I can't figure this shit out! Mr. Carl Sagan will you inspire me to contemplate and document the universe?
I'm useless, intoxicated profusely to help my dreaming lucidity.Self medicated training has mutated my brain beyond the profane to further explain the explicit stabbing I feel to label what others would call insane.I strain to reach banality and look forward to mediocrity despite the formality of breaking commonality through which I would say with certainty I have no feasible personality.A robotic psyche breaks through the mentality with a trillion centers of information waiting for the causality between What happened before and what shall it be.For me it's quite benign to realize that in my mind I find nothing is worth the time and in my eyes I only despise the actuality of reality.Brought from behind my eyes is the tangible enterprise that peruses in disguise while speaking lies only to find no solidity in space and time.Eternally drifting through the tides washing away my existence I lie drowning, how fortunate for me.Sleepless, soulless and mindless I caress my thoughts like my mistress trying to remember what it was like to be alive.I dream endlessly with envy haunted by what can't be meticlously stuck at a state of being an in between entity.Outside the realm of cognative thinking and rationality, driven to madness outside the normal realm of space.Floating in certain abyss I speak, I've fallen a thousand feet onto concrete and had it ripped from beneath me completely.
Ah it's good to be home and sit down where it's all warm and comfy. But alas my relaxation will be interrupted by uhm..chores and work. Fixing a computer and starting my novel. I am participating in this year's National Novel Writing Month or Nanowrimo for short. This November will be the month that hundreds if not thousands of people will spend writing a novel draft. It's a one month thing so I have to suck it up and write the goddamn story I thought of 2 months ago while walking out of Christmas Tree Shops. So tonight there will be wine and a laptop glued to my fingers!
I started working on some models and I have to say they have been proving to be more difficult than I previously imagined. Stupid shapes and boxes. I never really made guns before so this is new territory for me. I've never even written an idea for a first person shooter with actual guns so I've never even needed to make them at all. Old guns are hard as shit to make. they're all round and edges and the wood is soo very specifically crafted. I'm enjoying the challenge to say the least. Tonight it's party time for Halloween! wha wha gonna get krunk krunk lookin and girls junk and whatever that ugly hooker said.
Ok I am dying and i definitely have that brain tumor I was talking about before. I had to leave work early for fear of embarrassing myself in the bathroom and now today I wake up practically vomiting. I still have to work as well learning new systems and fixing crap blah blah blah. The good news is I really did a good job making a new new mask for Halloween. I sewed the first one by hand and I didn't like how it came out so I made the second one busting out the sewing machine and stitched the rest of my pleather together. The second one is the better version because it's conformed to my face and neck so it looks more like a super hero mask. The first one looks more like uh juggernauts helmet because it's basically a pleather sock with eye holes that goes on my head hahaha. With the sweater and the goggles I look like dun dun dun!!! Spiderman Noir! Well I look as good as someone who never made a mask before making a Halloween costume would look so it's basically decent. But in any case maybe i'll put up pics from when I go to Salem this year!
A friend of mine sent me a text message this morning and it read this:
"Like inquisition. Divided between the divine and their mission. Given a chance to purge the world of abominations. The heretics, harlots and children of damnation. Steady onward with conviction carrying a golden cross, a bible and a torch setting fire to anyone who has some kind of connection to a god not based in Judaism."
So I replied in kind:
"Those not raised in the church since birth were never given such mirth and what's worse is the pollution of their cultural institutions over who created the universe first."
Short but sweet I suppose damn character limit.
Halloween is fun I guess. I spent a couple hours making a shitty mask but it works so I'm not too mad. I really have nothing more to write iunno I just kinda....felt like it I guess? Maybe i'll post some pics of halloween costumes and party stuff at some point...and whatnot...gah fuck it I made this.
Alright so last night I was going over some stuff and I was trying to mention something I wrote to a friend of mine. I have a decent enough memory and I gave him the gist of if with a line or two and whatnot. I was looking through my source today and see what I left out and found something interesting. We have been talking about lucid dreaming and dream journals. He mentioned a lot about just waking up and writing some weird freaky ass shit with little doodles and pictures and whatnot. I do practice lucid dreaming but in different ways. It brings me to my point, lucid dreaming is the shit!! well that's not my point but yea. I need to read more, I have been looking for like a e-reader like a kindle or some shit but I haven't decided yet. I do not want a tablet at all. Damn useless things I have like a bagillion gadgets that would just be useless if it did more than let me read books. Anyway I did look to try and find what I was speaking with him about and found this crazy ass poem that I wrote not too long ago. I've been writing a lot lately and I'm very happy about it. I cannot tell but this is something I wrote at like 5 am in the morning.
" I have a hankering for some jack and coke to cure this choke in my throat.
I'm broke without hope during this withdraw without dope.
Ready to croak at sea, sailing through storms on a row boat full of holes and barely staying afloat.
The old man and the sea comes to mind.
I'm fighting the fish of life and at the end of my time.
I'm running out of line now in such a bind I find my eyes becoming darkened and blind as they shed undines.
Screaming out the chimes and echoes that grand at my soul.
Hollowed out and broken i'm getting desperate as i'm feeling forsaken again.
My subconscious is talking to it's next of kin telling him how the ending will begin.
Throughout the poison waters we wade in and my body is fading.
They know neither can win yet the tormenting echoes continue screaming with zen spewing snot and phlegm.
For every word misspoken as a token of misappropriate appreciation.
Swallowing the fear of sin and burning in the hell within has left me restless and in distress.
As the fires caress my skin I ask was it worth all the pain i'm in.
I can say Yes, now bless the sinner but never forget the sin."
Again loosely related to lucid dreaming and waking up and writing and all that other good stuff. Your subconscious mind is trippy and our conscious tries to understand what's going on. If you don't understand your mind is suppressing things that are too intense in a visual medium thus not remembering those trippy dreams we all have but cannot share.
I freaking can't eat brownies. I bought one this morning and took a bite...yuck...damn chocolate infested treat. I can't eat rice crispy treats as well. They are so sweet. I love bitter and spicy stuff. I'll take some super hot buffalo wings any day of the week and consume with mas love. mwuahahaha. I remember in boot camp they would talk about spreading mass "love" as they said with you know tactical submarines and missles. I have a buddy who was on a submarine all over the world. I would imagine its fun but i've only been to a handful of other countries. I mean Italy was nice I went to one of the best vacation spots in the middle of summer for free! Well I mean I was working because I was on a ship but still it was great. This was the year that Italy won the world cup and people were crying in the streets singing the national anthem. I hate soccer so I stayed inside and said TO HELL WITH THAT!! haha not really but I do hate soccer. It was fun going to Gaeta and Madrid's airport. I say the airport because I was waiting for a flight to another part of spain that i cannot remember. All I know is they stole my freaking luggage and I speak no spanish. So 3 days go by no luggage when the airplane must have had like 20 people on it. I get home and I basically just have my carry on bag and a backpack wearing the only clothes I owned at the time. I find it hilarious now but I remember that day clear as hell arriving in norfolk like....this is bullshit.
I really need to stop drinking coffee in the morning. It kinda makes me sick and have to poop but from what I hear that's quite normal. I don't understand why others would do it but then again if I can't understand myself why even bother trying to think like someone else. I really hate making a model and it turning out to be alright but not what you wanted like what happened with
That model right dere. It's not bad but I was not like ....anyway I just don't like it really and I'm not going to use it but I don't want it to go to waste. eh i'll find a place for it even if it is to finish up a portfolio or something. Next time i'll go start out with a game plan and be like what niggas and bitches woot!! I feel like there should be more but I have nothing to write? eh maybe i'll figure it out later and put something else up.
Now let the Bass cannon kick it!!
I spend at least 2 hours a day driving to and from work so I get a lot of time to think alone to myself and I have found that lately it hasn't been that healthy for me. I mean I think A LOT and not all of these thoughts are good. Some more positive thoughts would be great so well that's what i'm going to do.
I often think of myself as a blip. In almost all scenarios it is absolutely true. on the cosmic perspective we are all specks and blips with a finite influence on anything. At a global perspective we are still very much like blades of grass in a population of billions. But we cannot go by that perspective because it's so very bleak. The fact is that though we ultimately have no effect on the universe or even the world we wouldn't be here for no reason. Even as blips there is something of the magnificent in us. Influence stretches beyond rational thinking and merits of society in most cases. We exist on a plane of the human perspective that gives us that importance not to the world but to everyday life of those around us. In this perspective everything is within our grasp as it should be. we are no longer blips, we are ultimately connected with the universe. Exceptionally as we are all blips, there are 6 billion blips on this speck of earth, and 6 billion blips make an interesting picture when all together. a 6 billion pixel image of humanity and earth covering all the creation and destruction we cause. We owe it to ourselves to expand our perspective to not just live on our human plane, but to affect the world together or else this speck with all it's blips will be gone in the blink of the cosmic eye and we will not be missed or even known. The universe is a cruel mistress and the distress is that we shall miss it with her sinful kisses and heart shaped wishes. Enough to dismiss it to become pensive throughout which I must mention my attention was split between that which isn’t anymore and that which is.