Blogs - Smoshe

Hippos

(source)Needless to say Hippos are filthy, well...pigs. I mean they pretty much lie around in mud all day, so what do you expect? But I have seen even the grossest of guys land chicks despite their filthy hygiene habits...especially amongst the nouveaux Hippie set. But hippos take it one step further. To 'attract' a mate, they poo themselves and then use their tails to fling it around. No girl would ever put up with that! Even if they're attending a Phish reunion concert.

White-Fronted Parrots

(source)Imagine getting into a hot and heavy make-out session with a guy and mid-kiss he barfs in your mouth? Well if you've ever dated a white-fronted parrot or a d-bag frat boy you probably don't have to imagine. And let me just say...he did not get a second date.

Anglerfish

(source)The male anglerfish is basically a parasite who leaches off of his lady love. No girl wants to date a guy who's constantly borrowing her car and bogarting the X-Box. Unless she's got the face of an anglerfish...then you can bogart away! But isn't getting a job easier than kissing that mug?

Giraffes

(source)How does a male giraffe get a lady interested in him? He basically tickles her until he makes her go pee pee. I'm pretty sure you would be charged with assault if you tried that. Unless you did it by giving her a jumbo Big Gulp of her favorite beverage and then made her laugh so hard she peed herself. This may work on Fergie, the only female alive not completely humiliated after wetting her pants in public.

Dolphins

(source)Did you know a dolphin has the coolest penis around? It is retractable and it can swivel! In fact the dolphin can use it as a hand...WHA? But as far as smooth moves with the ladies go, he has absolutely no game. Let's just say that being the fastest at something isn't always a good thing. So do not be like a dolphin, because you don't have the super impressive hand-penis as a back up.

Brown Antechinus

(source)This adorable little marsupial is like The Situation of the animal kingdom. It will get with any female that moves. And it will keep gettin' until it literally drops dead. So don't do that, unless you're The Situation. You can keep trying 'til you're dying. I kid, I kid.

Porcupines

(source)Not much I can say here, without getting a little R-rated...so, let's just say that R.Kelly would approve.

Clownfish

(source)Did you know that when a female clownfish dies, her boyfriend basically gets a sex change? Getting in touch with your feminine side is a good thing. But if you're a dude who likes being a dude, becoming a female is...a little drastic, no?

Manakins

(source)Male Manakins are like the Michael Jackson of the animal kingdom. They attract the opposite sex with a bada** bird moonwalk. You will probably just look like a drunken doofus, so don't even attempt it. Just ask a girl to dance to Beyonce's Halo and then rock back and forth with her. Chicks love that crap!

Bonobos

(source)You might think you wanna be like a bonobo because these apes are always getting some--any time, any place! But I don't recommend trying that technique in the human world. If you're in a fight with your girlfriend and you suggest a make-out session, she'll probably smack you! Although come to think of it, this technique would definitely work on guys...so go for it ladies!What are your favorite animal mating habits? Let us know in the comments!

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Sepha's Bow - Final Fantasy XIII-2

(source)I makes sense that you'd want to shoot three bad guys at the same time, I get that, but whatever you do don't let the bow fall on you, unless you want to straight up guillotined by the crazy sharp blades FACING YOU WHILE YOU SHOOT.

Gaert's Sword - Guild Wars

(source)It's a bad ass looking sword, but all those nooks and crannies are pretty g*ddamn superfluous. What kind of creature would it be most effective against? "Yeah, I'm gonna kill you with this sword. How you ask? Well I'll stab you, and then, sh*t the little pointy part got caught on your rib cage, that always happens. What's that circular indent for? Hell if I know. Ummm, could you move around and get the sword unstuck so I can penetrate you deeper? No? OK, I can see where you're coming from with that."

Omega Weapon - Final Fantasy XIII

(source)About as useful in battle as throwing a handfull of puzzle pieces at an enemy, this sword is so unwieldy it looks like it was originally designed to be able to roast multiple marshmallows and hot dogs at the same time while you're camping.

Soul Blade- Soul Caliber

(source)How many people in one on one fighting tournaments need a sword that grants them the power to overcome the fear of loss?

Sparda- Devil May Cry

Lady Gaga As A Guy

(source)Now, I don't care which way she was born, I don't wanna read about a Little Monster's surprised delight when finding Gaga's little monster. Also, I would probably grow weary after the fourth time little monster and poker face were combined into a naughty euphemism.

Dolores Umbridge

(source)I don't wanna know about Crabbe and Goyle's teacher fantasies! Besides, the only older professor lady who's getting an engorgio out of anyone is McGonagall. Not Umbridge! Unless it's the one played by Joe Walker in A Very Harry Potter Sequel. I'd be down with that.(source)

Spongebob Squarepants

(source)The only Spongebob sex I wanna know exists is the kind parents have while their kids are watching cartoons. Arrggghhhh! WTF am I talking about? I don't wanna know about that either! And no I don't think Sandy Cheeks makes a great porn name. Well, okay, I guess it does.

Doug Hutchison AKA Creepy Old Dude

(source)Just because you got a lazy-eyed fame-hungry teen to marry you doesn't mean you're hot. It actually means you're the opposite of hot. Besides, a story called 'Lost in the Teen Mile' sounds all kinds of wrong.

The Mythbusters

(source)There's only one thing I want Jamie and Adam exposing and that's the fallacy inherent in most urban legends. I'm not interested in any 'explosive experiments' being done, especially when they involve winkwink air quotes. And especially, especially if a crash test dummy is involved.And no... I do not like bringing new meaning to the words Discovery Channel.

Justin Bieber's Dad

(source)Justin Bieber sexy fan fiction is pretty tame and is basically what I see every day from my 13-year-old cousin on my Facebook feed. But the moms who are into his d-bag dad..EW! I only wish it was about Bieber Jr. so then we could have those women arrested.

Octomom

(source)WHY???? This is NOT a MILF. This is a mom NO ONE should have...well I guess it was artificially inseminated so technically no one did. But still!

Grown Up Dora

(source)So yeah, I know that technically she would be 18 now, but DAYUM! What kind of creep was counting the days until Dora was legal? I do not wanna read about Dora exploring anything other than this great world we live in and the intricasies of the Spanish language. And FYI you do NOT provide what Dora needs, Backpack does!

Richard Simmons

(source)There's only one way Simmons will EVER get my heart racing and that is by doing dated 80's-style aerobics.

1. Charlie Brown

(source) Thanks to Charlie Brown’s life-long struggle with chronic depression, many assume he will die due to self-inflicted gunshot wound, a prescription drug overdose or by glumly walking into a bull pasture smelling of cow pheromones. But due to Lucy’s aggressive therapy (which she later details in her bestselling book “You CAN Kick the Football”), Charlie Brown will overcome his demons and live a life of excitement and fulfillment. In fact, so great will his zest for high-octane thrills be that he will completely forget the old saying—“When you dive from great heights, make sure there is water, a cushion or at least something other than lions wielding chainsaws below.”

2. Beetle Bailey

(source) Although he’s been in the army for over 60 years, Beetle has yet to see a single day of combat (despite the fact that the U.S. is currently engaged in 17 wars, including two secret ones with the Martians and Alternate Universe Canadians). So naturally no one would ever expect him to die on the field of battle. But that is exactly what will happen when he becomes heavily involved in live-action role-playing and tries to defeat a fire-breathing dragon that is played by a semi-truck outfitted with numerous flamethrowers but not a single set of brakes.

3. Dagwood

(source) Most people know Dagwood for three things—having married way out of his league, having trouble getting to work on time and having an appetite that could only be the result of an unchecked tapeworm. But few know about his secret other family in another comic strip. Or his losing thousands of dollars at the racetrack, betting on cats who wander in every direction except towards the finish line. Or his hundreds upon hundreds of composition notebooks detailing how his militia will one day overthrow the government. Alas, the FBI will be all too aware of the last one, resulting in a massive shoot-out that not only kills every character in “Blondie” but also eliminates countless stars from nearby strips on the funny pages, including Hi and Lois, Sally Forth and Archie just before he and Betty are about to do it.

4. Mary Worth

(source) Mary Worth has always been free with her advice, even to those who don’t want it, those who don’t know who she is or those who don’t know they can’t outrun an 76-year-old woman who has won the Senior 10K Sprint five years in a row. So it will be no surprise when Mary strong arms an organized crime syndicate into hiring her to be their consigliore, advising on all matters of racketeering and swift elimination of the competition. But when she tells the Mafia don to stop focusing on prostitution and gambling and pursue his life-long dream of raising monarch butterflies, the mob is immediately overthrown by the Yakuza, who decide to make an example of Mary Worth by killing her in a Sunday comic in full-color glory.

5. Ziggy

(source) Friendless, hairless and pantsless, Ziggy has always led a life that could best be summed up as “hate to be THAT guy” even by hobos. So it will be no surprise when the secret hoarder’s bloated body is found months later under a pile of several hundred old newspapers. And several old engine blocks. And several old refrigerators. And several old demolition balls. And several old above-ground pools still filled with water and swimmers. And a pet parrot on top of the huge pile of fallen debris, repeating Ziggy’s last words—“Why couldn’t this have happened to Mallard Fillmore instead?”

6. Dennis the Menace

(source) When Dennis is laid off at age 48, he not only loses his health insurance but also his ability to afford his countless mood-stabilizing prescriptions. Soon his long-in-check menacing ways start to resurface. First he fashions a crude, homemade slingshot only to upgrade it to a crude, homemade crossbow. Then he puts on his old red overalls, despite no longer fitting and causing him to wander around town mostly naked. Then he heads towards Mr. Wilson’s house, seeking revenge for when the old man refused to give him a cookie back in 1958. Of course, Dennis will discover that Mr. Wilson is long dead, leaving the middle-aged scamp to head back home, only to be disemboweled by the great-great-grand pup of Marmaduke.

7. Almost Every Character in “Family Circus”

(source) What happens when the entire Keane family moves into a home that their new neighbors lovingly refer to as “The Murder-Murder-Murder-Murder-Murder-Suicide House” but the realty agent describes as “Charming with just a hint of viscera”? The ghost “Not Me” will inhabit eldest boy Billy, who will go on a killing spree clearly marked by a dotted line. One by one the Keane children and parents will drop until all that is left is Billy and baby PJ, who has used his time hiding in his toy chest carving throwing stars out of building blocks while trying to call for help on a toy phone. The baby will successfully vanquish his brother and then roam the night for the rest of his life, killing demons but never learning how to count or read.

8. Calvin and Hobbes

(source) After leading a childhood of non-stop adventure and limitless imagination, Calvin will enter adulthood with a renewed sense of inner peace and focus. He and Hobbes will then open a home-based knit goods business selling cozies for every appliance, including washing machines and freezers. Children will pass by their house, swearing that they could hear the single sixtysomething politely argue with a small toy tiger over fourth quarter earnings projections and the necessity for increased fiber in their daily diet. Eventually the two will pass away quietly in their sleep after chuckling how Christopher Robin could have ever thought that Winnie-the-Pooh was actually alive.How do you think other comic strip charcters will die? Let us know in the comments!

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Anthony finds a treasure map from his dead grandpa.
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Anthony and Ian see what movies would be like if they were actually realistic. AGAIN.
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