My logic has a bigger dick than your logic.
Okay I just used that title to be a little obnoxious, but I am going to go into some depth about myself. I don't use any social networks and I feel more at home on moddb then other websites. A culture has been born in this awesome site, and we're all like siblings. We all may have differing opinions about things, but everyone has found at least a few people that they have a good friendship with on this site. So the point I'm trying to make is that blogs aren't necessarily restricted to talking about things game related and has sort of become a journal for many people. So I want to talk about some things that I need to get off my chest that are very personal for me. This will become my journal, because diary sounds too gay (jk). I think this is the case with most people on moddb, that my online personality is very different from my physical personality. I don't say real-life personality because the way we act is just as real no matter which way it is presented. Some branches of my personality have changed in the past few years but I have some concrete traits that are always present. I'm usually a silent person and have had social anxiety for a long time. I also make sure that my true feelings are never revealed and I've done so much for so long I now automatically lie about how I feel al the time. Everyday, I'm "fine" or "good". I can't believe how well that excuse works, they believe me every time. I also tell them lies about school, friends, hobbies, and interests. I even use to tell them I liked sports, but that lie was hard to hold up. By the way, when I say them, I'm talking about parents, associates, colleagues, friends, teachers, doctors, therapist, and everyone else I meet. I think half the reason I lie is to test whether humans are actually capable of sensing how someone's really feeling inside, despite them shielding their feelings. I'm referring to movies where the protagonist's friends or a soon-to-be lover can see through through his cold shell and try to get to know them better, despite how ugly or unsocial they might seem. I always thought this idea was way too optimistic and was just a comforting lie people like to tell themselves. I know that humans are short-sighted, ignorant, oblivious, and selfish. So every day of my life I test it, and after 7 years of face-to-face contact with people, not even a single hint in people's faces or behavior that said they were kind of suspicious of whether I'm being honest about my feelings. Well at least that's what I tell myself.
I always doubt every thought I have in the day. I even find myself pondering some irrelevant shit over and over again, second guessing my own mind at every turn. So I ask myself this, am I really trying to prove this pessimistic view that humans are selfish and stupid, or am I being too emotional about this? Are people really obligated to actually reconsider my feelings? How selfish of me, to actually think that even an intelligent person should actually try to look deep into me, I can guarantee I'm not that important. I also wonder if some of the people I though I have figured out are hiding their true feelings, and I'm just hypocritical to think that they should think deeply about me if I haven't even given them a third thought. Well I'm still wondering that question today, which is driving me crazy. I find myself either being very smart or very stupid, and frankly I find myself feeling stupid most of the time because I'm pessimistic.
As you can see my paragraphs are not being well thought out. I'm just typing whatever is in my head, so I often change subjects after every sentence. I can be talking about deep philosophy one minute and then making an obscene, immature joke the next. "Have you listened to Savoj Zizek's lecture on how charity is just a sub conscience desire to feel self important while in reality they're just postponing a problem and feeding the Capitalism that is causing the problem at the same time? By the way, I need to scratch my testicles for a moment." So anyways... on with mein kampf! Actually, I think this is enough for one day, this is much more than I've told my therapist. Farewell until later.