Hi, I'm Nathan. I am a studying games developer since about December 2005. I have always had a passion for games, I have always played games, and have always dreamt of creating my own games one day and so now I am working towards that dream. Currently I work alone, and am studying just about all aspects of games development. I plan to keep working alone as long as possible until I am financially secure enough that I can start up a large studio and hire other team members to work on higher quality AAA titles. I am currently working towards creating a mod for the Cryengine which I won't disclose any details for just yet(Details to come when the mod is finished or near finished). The images on my profile may hint at what this project may be about however ;) And I really don't know what else to say without rambling.

Report article RSS Feed Changing approach, and breaking barriers.

Posted by Otreum on Jun 10th, 2011

I figure this blog is a good space for me to get things out that I feel I would like to get out to the public, even if the public do not read my blog, I know that when i'm rich and famous, this is something people may see in future to see the progression of a struggling independent developer into a hopefully successful one.

I hope that one day when I am successful in my goals (yes..WHEN, there are no IF's about me), and people do read this, that they take inspiration and push towards what they want to do, because that's what i'm doing despite the hardships I am currently going through.

Anyway, without further ado, I shall get to the point of this blog.

Firstly I still haven't announced what project I am working on, but clearly it is based in Roman times and has something to do with the Roman Colosseum ("HMMMM I wonder what it could be!?").

As people may already know, I have ATTEMPTED to recreate the Roman Colosseum on a 1:1 scale including the entire interior, however that has now come to a halt due to the design approach I took with the structure making it difficult to texture properly and a whole bunch of other issues which I won't get into.

I WAS going to continue creating environments and structures, as well as other in game assets, however I figure it's time to work on what's really important; Prototyping.

Right now, my project has no proof of concept, and it really does need one. So I need to make one.

In order to make a proof of concept, I will need to do alot of motion capture work (which I am really looking forward to doing!), but in order to do motion capture work, I need to create better human character models (because currently I am not so good at making organic models), and in order to create better human models, I need to learn the human anatomy, I need to learn how to draw the human anatomy, then I need to learn how to transfer my knowledge to a 3d modelling tool and 3d sculting tool (Zbrush) to create as true characters as I can.

I have started to learn the Human anatomy a few days ago, and have already started doing some pretty dodgy sketches, however I feel that good feeling when you start learning something and making progress, which is good.

Now....I mentioned earlier on about hurdles i'm facing, so i'm going to elaborate.

The hurdles that i'm facing all bundle together to create one massive hurdle, this hurdle is Depression.
And while it may not sound like i'm depressed in this blog (I don't like to be too much of a downer), I will say that this depression has quickly corrupted most of my positive thoughts and feelings, making me feel hopeless, helpless, tired, exhausted and basically just "dead" which most people describe depression as feeling.

I have had depression most of my life, and it has caused many problems, however before, I beat depression, and I will beat it again.
Beating depression requires action, it requires pushing through a barrier even at the point where you feel that you have nothing left, and that is what I will do, that is what i'm gathering my mental energy to do so that I can destroy this depression once again and become stronger.

I say "become stronger" because when you've beat depression, you do feel much stronger, albeit a bit colder than once before, but definately stronger and less sensitive.

I believe the cause of this latest depression is that I am trying to do too much with my life at once.
Unfortunately, I cannot stop doing what i'm doing, as everything I am doing supports everything else, and by taking something away from my life, I will most likely fall into a deeper depression (take away the leg from a tripod and it falls down).

This brings me to realise that perhaps I need something to change.
I believe the change I need is my job, or my game project.
Sadly though, where I live, there is not much opportunity, and in order to get a new job, I would basically be changing to another dead end job (not good), or I would have to move to a city (which would be depressing as I hate cities).
If I were to change job, the only other job I would be happy doing right now would be a games development one, as that would help motivate with my current games development work.
As for the game project, I could work towards something alot smaller than my current goal, but I really cannot begin to explain how much I want to keep working on this project.

So ....all in all, i'm working on a prototype for my game project which requires a huge amount of learning, but depression is gettting in the way of everything in my life which requires something to change. So now I need to work out what needs to change before I get stuck in the insanity loop hole "keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results".

For those who actually bothered to read this blog, you're awesome, and may my grammar in future be 500% better :P

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