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Blog RSS Feed Report abuse Latest Blog: Dakari's Adventures in Skyrim - Day Four

0 comments by Garyn Dakari on Jul 22nd, 2014

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Featuring Jasper Gleamdust and Mr. Philbert Dovahbitts


Lets see, where was I?


Oh yes, freezing to death in a lake, I remember now. Actually I don't remember now, or as I should say, I don't remember how, but as this is very embarrassing, I'll pretend like I do. As Skyrim is very cold though, and night time is very cold, and rain is very cold, and water is very cold, and winter is very cold, and right now it is raining in a lake in the winter of Skyrim at night, so I am certifiably very frapping cold. I see the glow of a campfire on the shore, so I swim over there to warm up.

I'm sure this is because of my very cold hands.

I encounter this nice lady, who immediately tells me she's a poacher. I don't mind, since she's only poaching from Imperial bastards. She also mentioned that "There's enough for all of us if you aren't greedy."

Naturally, I took this as permission to loot her camp.

Aw yeah, that's the good stuff.

After stealing some Pot, I was on my way back to Whiterun. I met an elf named Faldrus along the way, I was about to pickpocket him, when I heard a screech and a crash. I look to the side just in time to see a building explode, and a smoke trail leading up into the sky.

A meteorite? A rock from a trebuchet? A dragon's kidney stone?

That's no kidney stone, that's from SPACE! And it has Pi! 256 bit Pi from SPACE!

Well, if this isn't just the best thing since Dovahbit. I will take it with me and love it forever.

They see me rollin'...
This is how I roll, leaving burning buildings in my wake.

The rain ends, and I have a very pretty trek back to Whiterun.

Damn this is a pretty game. Also, cabbages.

Once in the Jarl's place, I bring the Dragon Claw McGuffin thing to Mr. Guffin, but he won't stop banging on about dragons and fascinating ancient stuff. I'm not even being sarcastic, it really was interesting, so interesting in fact I wrote a whole essay on it. I'd post the essay here, but I'm too lazy to type what I already inked onto parchment, so instead here's another picture of Dovahbitts:

<3 Dovahbbitts

What's this, there's a dragon to battle? Awesome, I'll hop to it. First the Jarl had a gift for me. Unfortunately it wasn't shrooms, but it'll probably be useful all the same.

A shield, that blocks?! Shit just got real.

This dragon won't know what hit it. Time for some high-flying adventure, time to show the dragon's who's boss, time to- woah, watch it kid, almost tripped over you there.

Fine, have some gold, just get out of my way. Wait, what's this about your mother? You don't... have a mother? You're an orphan? That's... that's terrible! Oh cruel injustices of the world, orphaning a nice young girl like Lucia. You can live with me, in- oh wait, I don't have a home. As if I didn't feel sad enough. Wait, do I have a mother either? Or a father? Do I have any family at all, or am I an orphan, just like Lucia? Was it destiny that brought us together? Was it Rolof? Wait, what am I doing thinking about myself at a time like this, there's a child in need! I'll come back, Lucia, and I'll bring a house with me! I'll plant it right in Whiterun and we'll rule the land! Mark my words, I will return!

But first I need to slay a dragon. How does one slay a dragon, you wonder?

By laying a trap, with goat meat, of course! It'll never see it coming.

The Dragon named Murmulnir just ate Hroki and Tor. I see what you did there.

Just as planned, it didn't see the goat coming! Honestly though I don't think it saw it at all, so I ended up just shooting it with a lot of arrows. But hey, whatever works.

Alas poor Hroki, I knew him well.

Because slaying the mighty beast wasn't enough, I drove my blade into its body and rummaged through it's stomach, and found all kinds of fun remains. After putting on some armor I found INSIDE of it, I DEVOURED ITS SOUL. Just how metal is that.

My Whiterun comrades find this a little odd though, so I shout at them a little bit and head on back to the city. Or town, or whatever Whiterun is classified as. Once there, I run into some blokes saying they're looking for a woman. I point them at the terrifying Companions HQ, before slipping away and into the local Tavern. I completely forgot why I was going there though, as the roof shakes and I hear a loud booming voice speak to me. A divine message from the gods, I figure it must be. What could it be? Chastising me on my kleptomania? Commending me for my work against the Imperial bastards? Haven't the foggiest, I am rather ignorant to the gods and goddesses of Tamriel.

Oh wait, this is blasphemy, this is madness! What's the one divine name I kept hearing screamed from the streets of Whiterun? Talos. I quickly run back outside and make my way to the familiar place where that priest is usually loitering about. He's gone, but in his place...

The Divine Voice of Destiny lead me here.

Because I'm sure the gods dictated that it be so, I remove all the offerings. For science.

Back to the Jarl's place, we have a lovely chat about destiny and badassary, and he hooks me up with this gal named Lydia. Sweet, now I've got a servant, a Space Pi Core, and a Dovahbitts. Just a few more and I can start my own band. Unfortunately the band may have to wait, Destiny calls, or so the Jarl tells me.

Wait, 7,000 steps?

Climbing seven thousand steps.

Ha-haha, screw that!

I'm-a comin' for ya, greybeards!


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Post comment Comments  (60 - 70 of 233)
JA-394 Jan 5 2012, 9:46pm says:

GARYN! Guess what?!

+1 vote     reply to comment
Admiral_Skeybar Jan 1 2012, 11:27am says:

Happy new year! =)

+2 votes     reply to comment
JA-394 Dec 20 2011, 12:36am says:

Not if I get to him first. I can haz gunz.

+1 vote     reply to comment
KnightofEquulei Dec 17 2011, 11:51am says:

Satan = Santa. Santa is just Satan's alter ego. He seeks to ruin Christmas day because he hates Jesus who he refers to as "Dad's golden boy". When you see that Santa running about and have doubts about facing him. Run away and let me deal with him. I'll send him back to Hell.

+2 votes     reply to comment
TheUnabridgedGamer Jan 11 2012, 4:34pm replied:

Geez, (And this is a cynicist commenting here) be a little more jaded...

+2 votes     reply to comment
Mert-K Dec 15 2011, 12:58pm says:

OH MY GAWD, ITS THE CHRISTMAS JUMAN. Santa Juman. Juman Scrooge, The Jumanch. Insert other christmas joke.

+2 votes     reply to comment
KnightofEquulei Dec 14 2011, 2:40pm says:

Faith shall grant me victory! *Rushes towards you with sword and shield to engage in jolly battle*

+2 votes     reply to comment
Also_known_as_Peter Dec 10 2011, 5:34pm says:

Garyn, we need to spam Knight's profile until he comes back!

+1 vote     reply to comment
JA-394 Nov 19 2011, 5:43pm says:


+1 vote     reply to comment
Also_known_as_Peter Nov 18 2011, 6:06pm replied:

Well, basically I was saying how King here should stop conspiring to steal my cakes, since, quite frankly, I now only smuggle wine and pie out of the city.

+2 votes     reply to comment
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