ComeradeStalin

1 comment by ComeradeStalin on Apr 23rd, 2012

"Russians by eyes of our western and overseas friends 2" or "Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov: The second encounter."

Hello comrades! It's me, Ivan Ivanovich Ivanow and I know that you missed me. I was far away, fishing on the sunny beaches of Vorkuta and helping soviet pioneers in building of the new nuclear reactor.

Last time I told you about our habits and way of life. And today I want to tell you about our traditions. And here comes our main tradition. First of all you should know that our soviet society can be divided into 2 main groups: those who sit in GULAG and those who supervise us. It is a very exciting tradition, and from time to time we change our roles.

Now about education. Everybody knows that our education is the best in the world. Our wise government spends fabulous sums of money to provide us with free and qualitative education. And when we learn a lot, our wise government rewards us with free tickets to GULAG.

Foreign affairs. Maybe you didn't know, but we can study a lot of foreign languages in our schools. But KGB may always suspect bearers of foreign languages in espionage and will send all of them to the GULAG. That's why we can communicate with outer world only with the help of few unfinished representatives of russian aristocracy, bearers of old high-society British dialect. If it doesn't help, our diplomats can always yank off their shoes and begin banging on the desks. Usually it helps.

Science. We pay high attention to the scientific researches. But at the same time we prefer to keep all the smartest scientists in GULAG. They work better there and we can always release them if we will need new, bigger nuclear bomb or another WMD.

Military. We do not appreciate new tendencies in modern warfare: tanks, aircraft, firearms... screw it. Faithful horse bear and good saber - that's all we need. That's why we have only cavalrymen in the Ministry of Defence. 

Here comes one more of our outstanding traditions. It's called Great Purge. Every 5 years we shoot all of our most talented generals but always let 1 survive (for the case if treacherous enemy will suddenly attack us) who will save us all and bring us victory. After this we usually shoot him too.

As I told you last time, we all serve in Red Army. I served in Red Army too. I was a cannon fodder. We have many types of troops in Red Army, but the cannon fodder is the most numerous and honorable type. Every soviet conscript is proud to serve as a cannon fodder.  

Usually our soldiers don't have any weapons. They have to get it in battle with bare hands. Only lucky ones have Mosin 1891 rifles, but without rounds. In battle we are always escorted by NKVD barrier troops, who march in 2-3 meters behind us. They wear parade uniform and have heavy weaponry, like machine guns, to shoot cowards and deserters. The presence of barrier troops always encourages cannon fodder...

Ok, my dear comrades. That's all for now. I still have to take back my IS-3 from the repair shop and write a report for tomorrow's Party meeting. These kind KGB officers will show you the way out.