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Report article RSS Feed Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (The Way it Was Supposed to Be) Part 1

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (The Way it Was Supposed to Be) If you have a couple of hours I suggest you read this script. I am not the writer of it (though I did fix some grammatical errors and punctuation). This may be one of the longest articles Moddb has ever known.

Posted by MattmanDude on Jun 11th, 2010

STARWARS

EPISODE I:

THE PHANTOM MENACE

(The Way is
Was Supposed to Be)




Turmoil
has engulfed the Galactic
Republic. The taxation of
trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping
to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade
Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

While
the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,
the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians
of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....



If
you can read this you don’t need glasses…



INSIDE
THE REPUBLIC CRUISER'S COCKPIT The Captain and Co-pilot fly the Cruiser closer
to one of the Federation's battleships.

QUI-GON:
Captain.

CAPTAIN:
Yes, sir?

QUI-GON:
Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAPTAIN:
Yes, sir. (The Captain looks to her view screen. Nute Gunray, the Neimoidian
Trade Viceroy, appears). With all due respect, the Ambassadors for the Supreme
Chancellor wish to board immediately.

NUTE:
Yes, yes, of cooourse... ahhh... aaas you knooow, our blockaaade is peeerfectly
leeegal, and we'd be haaappy to receive the Ambaaassador.

CAPTAIN:
(to co-pilot) What? I didn't understand a word he was saying!

CO-PILOT:
I guess he said it was "ok".

OBI-WAN:
Master, I have a bad feeling about this.

Qui-Gon
looks away and shakes his head.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S DOCKING BAY The small cruiser docks in the main bay of
the Federation battleship. The door opens, and two darkly robed figures are
greeted by TC-14.

TC-14:
I'm TC-14 at your service. Walk this way, please. (TC-14 begins walking away in
a somewhat suggestive manner).

QUI-GON:
(looking at Obi-Wan) ...Don't even think about it.

They
go down the hallway, approaching a conference room.

THE CONFERENCE ROOM A door slides open, and the two Jedi Knights are led into
the formal conference room by TC-14.

TC-14:
I hope you honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with
you shortly. May I get you something to drink? Water, cola, Mad Dog?

OBI-WAN:
(grinning) Mad Dog? Man, I haven't had that since... (looks over to see Qui-Gon
glaring at him) ...uh, water will be fine.

QUI-GON:
(still glaring at Obi-Wan) Yes, water will be fine.

The
droid bows before Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. He backs out the door and it closes. The
Jedi lower their hoods and look out a large window at the tiny green planet of
Naboo. Qui-Gon is forty-something years old, has long, light-brown hair, the
top half in a ponytail, and a graying beard. He is tall and striking, with blue
eyes. Obi-Wan is twenty-something, with very short brown hair, a short ponytail
and small braid, blue eyes, and cute (he used to wear long, dangling earrings
until Qui-Gon told him that violated the Jedi dress code).

OBI-WAN:
(looking around anxiously) I have a bad feeling about this.

QUI-GON:
(looks upward and sighs) I don't sense anything.

OBI-WAN:
It's not about the mission, Master, it's something... elsewhere... elusive.

QUI-GON:
Oh not again. Why are you feeling so anxious? Did you take your Prozac today?

OBI-WAN:
Yes, Master.

QUI-GON:
Well, then. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.

OBI-WAN:
But, Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...

QUI-GON:
Yeah, but Master Yoda's not your psychotherapist, is he?

OBI-WAN:
(holds head down) No, Master. (Pauses, then looks back up to Qui-Gon) How do
you think the Trade Viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands?

QUI-GON:
These Federation types are cowards. We just need to do a little butt-kicking
around here to ensure that the negotiations will be short.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE Nute Gunray and Daultray Dofine stand shocked
before TC-14.

NUTE:
What?!? What did you say?

TC-14:
The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.

DOFINE:
I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement. Crap! Now what are we gonna
do?

NUTE:
Uh... why don't you go in there and stall them while I head for the escape
pod...

DOFINE:
Are you brain-dead? Fool, I ain't going in there with two Jedi! Destroy their
ship, then gas those suckas and send in the battle droids to clean-up the mess!


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY A hologram of Nute, surrounded by battle
droids, appears in the hallway just outside the conference room.

NUTE:
They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.

The
hologram fades away, as the door opens. A deadly yellow-green cloud billows
from the room. The battle droids ready their weapons as a figure stumbles out
of the smoke. It is TC-14, carrying a tray of drinks.

TC14:
Oh, excuse me.

TC-14
passes by the droids. Suddenly, two flashing lightsabers fly out of the deadly
fog.

BATTLE DROIDS: (in
unison) OH SH*T!!! (Several battle droids are cut down by the Jedi before they
can fire).


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE The bridge is filled with the sound of alarms.
Nute and Rune watch the battle droids on the viewscreen.

BATTLE DROID: Not sure
exactly what... (the droid is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence.)

NUTE:
What the heck is going on down there?

RUNE:
Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?

NUTE:
Well, not exactly, but I don't... (panicking) Seal off the bridge!

RUNE:
That won't be enough, sir.

NUTE:
Oh will you shut-up! I've already wet my pants I'm so scared!

RUNE:
(looks down at Nute's feet) Dang, man!

The
doors to the bridge slam shut.

NUTE:
I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!

RUNE:
We will not survive this. (turns and notices Nute glaring at him) Oops...
sorry.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE Qui-Gon cuts several
battle droids in half, with sparks and metal parts flying everywhere. Obi-Wan
waves his hand, crashing more battle droids into the floor. Qui-Gon makes his
way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it with his lightsaber.

THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE The crew nervously watch as sparks start
flying through the bridge door. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are on the view screen.

NUTE:
Close the blast doors!!!

The
huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third.
There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. Qui-Gon pauses, then
stabs the door with his lightsaber. The screen goes black as a red spot appears
in the center of the blast door.

RUNE:
(pointing at the door) They're still coming through!

From
the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE:
Impossible! This is impossible!! Now I've gotta change my clothes, AGAIN!!

RUNE:
Where are those destroyer droids?!


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN HALLWAY - OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE Two destroyer droids
roll down the hallway at full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area,
they stop and transform into battle configuration. Then begin firing at the
Jedi.

OBI-WAN:
Destroyer droids!

QUI-GON:
Well, duh!

Both
Jedi use their lightsabers to deflect the destroyer droids blasts. Realizing
it's a standoff, the Jedi run away at lightning speed to escape the droids.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE RUNE: We have them on the run. They're no match
for destroyer droids.

TEY
HOW: Sir, they've gone down the ventilation shaft.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S MAIN
BAY Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
emerge from a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be
seen. Thousands of battle droids are preparing to be loaded onto landing craft.

QUI-GON:
Battle droids.

OBI-WAN:
It's an invasion army.

QUI-GON:
It's an odd play for the Trade Federation. Seems like they're gonna waste more
money fighting than they could ever hope to regain in taxes from that sorry
little planet. We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.
Let's split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet me down on the planet.

OBI-WAN:
You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.

QUI-GON:
(sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha. Very funny. Now move your little hilarious butt
outta here!

OBI-WAN:
Uh, yes, master.


THE
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP'S BRIDGE TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.

RUNE:
It's Queen Amidala herself.

NUTE:
At last we're getting results.

On
the view screen Queen Amidala appears in her throne room, wearing an elaborate
headdress and robes.

NUTE:
Aaagain you come befooore me, Your Hiiighness. The Federaaation is pleased.

AMIDALA:
What? Man, I can't ever understand what you're saying. Anyway, you will not be
pleased when you hear what I have to say. Viceroy... your trade boycott of our
planet has ended.

Nute
smirks at Rune.

NUTE:
I waaas not aaaware of such a faaailure.

AMIDALA:
I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.

NUTE:
I taaake it you knooow the oooutcome. I wooonder why they booother to vote.

AMIDALA:
Huh? Enough of this crap, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are
with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement or get
your ass kicked.

NUTE:
I knooow nooothing about any Ambaaassadors. You muuust be mistaaaken.

AMIDALA:
Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.

NUTE:
Your Hiiighness, we would neeever do aaanything without the approooval of the
Seeenate. You assuuume too much.

AMIDALA:
(confused) What? Man, you guys really need to get an interpreter!

The
Queen fades off and the view screen goes black.

RUNE:
She's right; nobody else ever understands what we're saying.

NUTE:
Tough! Besides we can't afford an interpreter. This attack is gonna cost us a
fortune!

RUNE:
Do you think she suspects an attack?

NUTE:
I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down
there.


THE
NABOO PALACE THRONE ROOM The Queen, Chief of Security Captain Panaka,
handmaidens Eirtae and Sache, and Governor Sio Bibble are watching a hologram
of Senator Palpatine, a seemingly unassuming, dignified, middle-aged gentleman.

PALPATINE:
It would seem that the negotiations haven’t taken place because the ambassadors
aren’t there. But, how could that be true? I have assurances from the
Chancellor... his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be... the... get...
negotiate...

The
hologram of Palpatine sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA:
What? Senator Palpatine?! (turns to Panaka) Man, he's starting to talk as crazy
as the Trade Viceroy!

PANAKA:
No, Your Highness. There must be a breakdown in communications. (Turns to his
sergeant) Check the transmission generators...

BIBBLE:
A malfunction?

PANAKA:
It could be the Federation jamming us.

BIBBLE:
A communications disruption can only mean one thing: invasion.

AMIDALA:
(rolls eyes) Don't be silly, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that
far.

BIBBLE:
(mumbling to himself) ME silly? Can't she see that she's about to get a royal ass-whipping?
Silly teenager!

PANAKA:
The Senate would revoke their trade franchise and they'd be finished.

AMIDALA:
We must continue to rely on negotiation; that is if we can understand what the
Trade Viceroy is saying!

BIBBLE:
Negotiation? We've lost all communications! And where are the Chancellor's
Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? (Mumbling to himself again) Silly teenager!

PANAKA:
This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be
no match against a battle-hardened Federation army. Heck, they couldn't even
put down that food fight at the High School cafeteria last month!

BIBBLE:
(out loud this time) Silly teenagers!

AMIDALA:
(glaring at Bibble, who looks away) I will not condone a course of action that
will lead us to war.


NABOO SWAMP
Several landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the planet. One
after another the Federation warships land in the hazy swamp. Troop Transports
(MTT's) emerge from the landing craft. The droid invasion force begins moving
out of the swamp. A battle droid in his tank looks out at a small hologram of
Rune and Nute.

RUNE:
Captain, we have searched the ship and there is no trace of the Jedi. They may
have gotten onto one of your landing craft.

BATTLE DROID: If they are
down here, sir, we'll find them.

Meanwhile,
Qui-Gon is running through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the
monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run past
him in a panic. An odd frog-like creature, a Gungan called Jar Jar Binks, looks
up and sees Qui-Gon and the other creatures running wildly toward him. One of
the huge MTTs bears down on the Jedi like a charging tank. Jar Jar stands
terrified.

JAR
JAR: Oh, noooooooooo!

QUI-GON:
(trying to shoo Jar Jar out of the way) Get outta the way, Fool!!

JAR
JAR: (confused as usual, grabs onto Qui-Gon) AHHHHH!! Help meesa!! Help meesa!!
Save meesa!!

QUI-GON:
Let go, you freak!! Oh, never mind... DUCK!!!

Qui-Gon
and Jar Jar fall to the ground. The transport passes overhead. Qui-Gon and Jar
Jar lie still, then slowly stand, watching the war machine disappear into the
mist. Jar Jar grabs Qui-Gon and hugs him.

JAR
JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous! (The frog-like creature kisses the Jedi).

QUI-GON:
(angrily draws lightsaber) You do that again, I'll slay your slimy ass! Are you
brainless? You almost got us killed!

JAR
JAR: I spake.

QUI-GON:
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. John Kerry has already
proven that. Now get outta here! (Qui-Gon starts to leave and Jar Jar follows).

JAR
JAR: No... no! Meesa stay! Meesa culled Jaja Binkss. Meesa yous humble servant!

QUI-GON:
(looks Jar Jar up and down, disgusted) That won't be necessary.

JAR
JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis.

In
the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing Obi-Wan.

QUI-GON:
What? Look, I have no time for this now...

JAR
JAR: Say what?

The
two STAPS close in on Obi-Wan.

JAR
JAR: Oh, nooooo! Weesa gonna... dieeee!

The
two troops fire laser blasts at Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon deflects the blasts back and
blows the STAPS up. Obi-Wan is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.

OBI-WAN:
Pheeew! Thanks, man!

QUI-GON:
What happened?

OBI-WAN:
Water got in my lightsaber... it shorted out... it's not my fault!

QUI-GON:
Let me guess... you forgot to turn the power off again, didn't you?

OBI-WAN:
(holds head down) I'm sorry, master.

QUI-GON:
(sighs and turns his back to Obi-Wan) It won't take long to recharge, but this
is a lesson I hope you've learned, my young Padawan. You know, I NEVER let this
happen to me when I was an apprentice.

OBI-WAN:
Yes, Master. (sticks his tongue out and makes a nasty face at Qui-Gon, who
suddenly turns around looking suspiciously at him. Obi-Wan quickly grins and
nervously turns to Jar Jar) Uh... what the heck is this?

QUI-GON:
(still looking suspiciously at Obi-Wan, convinced he was making faces behind
his back) A local. Let's go, before more of those droids show up.

JAR
JAR: Mure? Mure did you spake??!!

OBI-WAN:
What?! What did you just call me?

QUI-GON:
(to Obi-Wan) Forget about him, he's just stupid. Come on, let's go.

The
Jedi start to run off. Jar Jar tries to keep up.

JAR
JAR: Ex-squeeze me, but da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis
where I grew up. Tis safe city, a hidden city.

They
all stop.

QUI-GON:
A city. (Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?

JAR
JAR: Ahhh, well... on second taut... no, not willy.

QUI-GON:
(draws lightsaber and walks over to Jar Jar) No?!

JAR
JAR: Iss embarrissing, boot... my afrai my've bean banished. My forgoten der
Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goen back dare.

The
sound of large weapons fire is heard in the distance.

QUI-GON:
You hear that?

JAR
JAR: (lifts one ear, nods head) Yeah.

QUI-GON:
That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way... (begins
waving lightsaber in Jar Jar's face) But even THAT will pale in comparison to
one minute alone with me... and this lightsaber.

OBI-WAN:
(eyeing Qui-Gon) Oh Master, I do love it when you speak that way!

QUI-GON:
(whispers to Obi-Wan) Later!

OBI-WAN:
(walks over to Jar Jar) When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny
pieces, and then blast us into oblivion!

JAR
JAR: (still staring intently at lightsaber) Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way!
Hurry! (turns and runs into the swamp, followed by the Jedi).

Qui-Gon,
Obi-Wan and Jar Jar approach a murky lake and stop as Jar Jar tries to catch
his breath.

QUI-GON:
How much further?

JAR
JAR: Weesa goen underwater, okeyday?

Qui-Gon
and Obi-Wan pull out a small capsule from their utility belts that fold out
into breathing masks.

QUI-GON:
(wading out before Obi-Wan) And this time Obi-Wan, make sure your lightsaber is
turned OFF!

OBI-WAN:
(makes a nasty face, sticks his tongue out at Qui-Gon) Yes, Master.

QUI-GON:
(turns around quickly trying to catch Obi-Wan but after seeing him smile, turns
back around, mumbling to himself) I'm gonna catch that little sh*t one of these
days.

JAR
JAR: My warning yous. Gungans no liken outsiders so… don't expict a wern
welcome.

OBI-WAN:
Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes, has it Master?

Qui-Gon
just ignores Obi-Wan and goes under the surface. Jar Jar jumps, does a double
somersault with a twist, and dives into the water. Obi-Wan wades in after him.


NABOO LAKE
- UNDERWATER Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan swim behind Jar Jar, who is very much at home
in the water. They swim down into the murky depths. In the distance, the glow
of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct.
They approach one of the strange structures. Jar Jar walks magically through
one of the bubble membranes, that seal behind him. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon follow.


THE
OTOH GUNGA CITY SQUARE Gungans in the square scatter when they see the strange
Jedi. Four guards armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged Kaadus into the
square. The guards, led by Captain Tarpals, point their lethal poles at the
dripping trio.

JAR
JAR: Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals... meesa back!

TARPALS:
Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.

OBI-WAN:
(looking around, whispering to Qui-Gon) Man, this whole place is filled with
these frog-faced, nonsense-talking, bell-bottom-wearing freaks!

One
of the guards gives Jar Jar a slight zap with his power pole. Jar Jar jumps and
moves off, followed by the two Jedi.

JAR
JAR: How wude.


THE
OTOH GUNGA HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with
small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular
judge's bench filled with Gungan Officials dominates the room. Obi-Wan and
Qui-Gon stand facing Boss Nass, who sits on a bench higher than the others.

BOSS
NASS: Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!

QUI-GON:
(confused) Huh? Uh, yeah. Look, that droid army is about to attack the Naboo.
We must warn them.

BOSS
NASS: Weesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so
smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.

OBI-WAN:
(mumbling to Qui-Gon) Well, frog brains aren't exactly big to begin with.

BOSS
NASS: Wha was dat? Speeka up!

OBI-WAN:
I said, after those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and
take control of you.

BOSS
NASS: No, meesa no tink so. Meesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten
talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.

OBI-WAN:
(rolls eyes, sighs impatiently) Whatever. Look, you and the Naboo form a
symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must
understand this. Geez, maybe there is some smaller brain thing working here!

BOSS
NASS: (angrily) Wha???

OBI-WAN:
(looks down, shaking head) Nothing. Forget it, man.

BOSS
NASS: Okie-dokie den. Weesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and
weesa no care-n about da Naboo.

QUI-GON:
Well then, I guess we're just wasting your time. Speed us on our way.

BOSS
NASS: Weesa gonna speed yousaway.

QUI-GON:
We could use a ride.

BOSS
NASS: Weesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through
da planit core. Now go.

QUI-GON:
(bowing down) Thank you for your help. We go in peace. (To Obi-Wan) Let's get
outta here. This boss guy is really starting to piss me off.

Qui-Gon
and Obi-Wan turn to leave.

OBI-WAN:
Master, what's a bongo? Is it that illegal smoking device you used to use back
in the 70's, when you were...

QUI-GON:
(nervously interrupts) Uh... umm... it's a... transport, I hope.

The
Jedi notice Jar Jar in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. Qui-Gon
stops. Jar Jar gives him a sorry look.

JAR
JAR: Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!

QUI-GON:
(stroking his beard, thinking) You don't say.

JAR
JAR: Ahhh... any hep hair would be hot.

OBI-WAN:
Oh no Master please, we were just about to get rid of him!

QUI-GON:
(whispering to Obi-Wan) We may need some "shark bait", if we get into
a jam.

Obi-Wan
winks and nods at Qui-Gon.

QUI-GON:
(to Boss Nass) We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This
Gungan may be of help. What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?

BOSS
NASS: Binkss brokeen the nocombackie law. Hisen to be pune-ished.

QUI-GON:
(glaring at Jar Jar) Yes, he should be punished... punished very, very
severely... (looks back to Boss Nass) But he has been a great help to us.

BOSS
NASS: Hmmm... meesa was guna pound him unto death.

Jar
Jar gasps and starts trembling.

OBI-WAN:
(whispers to Qui-Gon) Master, are you sure you wouldn't rather just stay and
watch?

QUI-GON:
(whispering) It's tempting, but we may still need some shark bait. (To Boss Nass)
We still need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. I have saved Jar
Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life debt."

BOSS
NASS: Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?

Jar
Jar nods and walks over to the Jedi.

QUI-GON:
(walks over to Nass) Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

BOSS
NASS: (upset, begins shaking head violently and slobbering everywhere, hitting
Qui-Gon) Hisen live tis yos, outlauder. Begone wit him.

QUI-GON:
(disgusted, looks down at slobber on his robe) Dang, man! What's the matter
with you?! You sick or something?

BOSS
NASS: (embarrassed) Ooops! Meesa so sorry. Allergies, ya kno.

QUI-GON:
(walks up to Nass, snatches a hanker chief from the Boss' pocket, then wipes
the slobber off his robe, while glaring back at Nass and walking away)
Disgusting! (walks toward Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) Come on, let's get outta this
slime pit!

Boss
Nass lowers his head, still embarrassed.


OUTSIDE
THE GUNGAN CITY - IN THE BONGO The bongo, a strange
little submarine, speeds away from the Gungan city, leaving the glow of the
settlement in the distance. Obi-Wan is in the pilot's seat, as Jar Jar pretends
to navigate the craft.

JAR
JAR: Dis is nusen.

OBI-WAN:
(upset, staring at Jar Jar) What a pathetic life form you are. (Shoves the
steering control toward Jar Jar) Here... take over.

JAR
JAR: (surprised, but trying to act cool) Okie-dokie. Thisin a breez. Meesa
pilot bongo since little boiyo. Hey? Where weesa goen?

QUI-GON:
You tell us, you're the navigator.

JAR
JAR: (nervously) Oh, yah, yah... uh, letsa see... I justa needa pushin dis
buton here, and...

Jar
Jar pushes a button that turns the radio on. He starts feeling a little cocky,
because this is one of those rare times he's pushed a button without blowing something
up. He starts singing, which he can't do, so Obi-Wan tries to shut him up with
some small talk.

OBI-WAN:
Uh... why were you banished, Jar Jar?

JAR
JAR: Tis a longo tale...

OBI-WAN:
Oh no (turns the radio up).

JAR
JAR: ...buta small part wawdabe meesa... ooooh... aaaa... clumsy.

OBI-WAN:
(turns radio off) They banished you because you're clumsy? Now that's funny!
(Starts laughing).

As
the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to
follow.

JAR
JAR: (ignoring Obi-Wan, still rambling on) Meesa cause-ed mabee one or duey
lettal bitty axadentes... yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses
heyblibber... den banished.

Suddenly
there is a loud crash, and the little craft lurches to one side. Qui-Gon looks
around and sees a huge Opee Sea Killer has hooked them with its long gooey
tongue.

QUI-GON:
(turns back around, staring at Jar Jar) Shark bait time!

JAR
JAR: (terrified, as he realizes exactly what Qui-Gon means) Uh... yousa kno,
iffin yousa trow meesa out dare, dis bongo will becomin bery unstable and
fillup wid wata and yousas bota will die!!

OBI-WAN:
(frustrated) Hmmm... he does make a valid point, Master. (Grabs controls back
from Jar Jar) Give me that!

Obi-Wan
takes over the controls just as a giant Sando Aqua Monster attacks the Opee Sea
Killer, which instantly releases the sub from its mouth. As the sub zooms away
they see the larger set of Sando jaws, munching on the hapless Opee. The lights
on the tiny injured sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the core.

JAR
JAR: Weesa free!

OBI-WAN:
Oh shut up!

QUI-GON:
(smiling, oblivious to Obi-Wan and Jar Jar) There's always a bigger fish.


FEDERATION
BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE Nute and Rune stand before a hologram of Darth Sidious,
whose face is hidden under the hood of a long, dark robe. He is the evil
mastermind behind the Naboo invasion.

NUTE:
The invaaasion is on scheeedule, my Looord.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures.
By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to
accept your control of the situation.

NUTE:
The Queen haaas great faaaith the Seeenate will siiide with heeer.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Queen Amidala is young and naive, the silly
teenager. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done
well, Viceroy.

NUTE:
Thaaank you, my Looord.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: You know, it's a good thing I can use the power of the Dark Side to
understand what you're saying. Otherwise, I would have destroyed you long ago.
Have a nice day (hologram fades away).

RUNE:
What?! Was that a threat?

NUTE:
Oh that. No, forget about it. He sometimes has these wild mood swings and
starts saying crazy things. He's really an ok kinda guy, once you get to know
him. And he's an excellent Bridge player.


BONGO
COCKPIT Sparks
are flying, and water is slowly leaking into the cabin. The lights in the tiny
sub flicker and then go off, as the power supply weakens.

OBI-WAN:
(adjusting controls) We're losing power. (Starts working with the sparking
wires, while Jar Jar starts panicking).

JAR
JAR: Weesa gonna die! Weesa all gonna die!

QUI-GON:
Calm down Jar Jar, we're not in trouble yet.

JAR
JAR: What?! Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and nooooo power!
You nutsen! WHENA YOUSA TINKIN’ WEESA IN TROUBLE?!?!

QUI-GON:
Jar Jar, if you don't stop acting like Prissy from "Gone With the
Wind", I'm going to start using certain parts of your body to plug-up the
leaks in this cabin.

Jar
Jar covers his mouth tightly, muffling his screams.

OBI-WAN:
Power's back.

The
lights flicker back on, revealing an ugly Colo Claw Fish right in front of
them.

JAR
JAR: (pointing at window) AHHHH!!! Monstairs back!!

The
large Colo Claw Fish is surprised and rears back. The sub turns around and
speeds away, with the Colo Claw Fish in hot pursuit.

JAR
JAR: (hysterically) AHHHH!!! DIS IS IT!!! AHHHHHH!!! WEESA ALL DEAD!!!
AHHHHHHHH!!!

QUI-GON:
Enough of this crap!!

Qui-Gon
punches Jar Jar out cold.

OBI-WAN:
(smiling) I was wondering what took you so long to do that. Thanks.

The
Colo Claw Fish leaps after the fleeing sub, as it flies over the waiting jaws
of the Sando Aqua Monster. The Colo Claw Fish isn't as lucky and becomes yet
another snack for the Sando.

OBI-WAN:
This is not good. Jar Jar's waking up.

Jar
Jar slowly regains consciousness.

JAR
JAR: Weesa dead yet? Oie Boie, meesa jaw killing meesa! (Starts rubbing jaw,
trying to figure out what happened). Feel like-a somebody puncha meesa... HARD!
(Looks over to Obi-Wan, who looks out the side window. Looks back at Qui-Gon,
who turns and looks out the back window, rubbing his knuckles. Finally turns
back around, still rubbing his jaw). Oie Boie!!

QUI-GON:
Obi-Wan, head for that outcropping (points to an opening to the surface).


THE
CITY OF THEED The long columns of the Droid Army
move down the main road of Theed, the capital city of Naboo, leading to the Queen's palace. As the
Queen watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying Nute
and Rune lands in the city plaza. They exit the transport as proud conquerors.

NUTE:
Ah, victory!

RUNE:
Yeah, we are gonna be partying tonight! (Starts disco dancing with Nute).


NABOO
LAKE Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a loud rush of
bubbles and the small bongo bobs to the surface. Obi-Wan switches off the
bubble canopies. Qui-Gon stands up to look around, then realizes something.

QUI-GON:
Hmmm.... this canopy is made of the same material as the bubble structures in
the Gungan city. (Looks at Obi-Wan) Which means, if we had thrown Jar Jar out
earlier, water would NOT have
flooded the sub... (looks at Jar Jar) which means this lying Gungan tricked us.
(Draws lightsaber) Which means he must be punished... punished very, very
severely!

OBI-WAN:
Oh yes, do it Master! Do it now!

Jar
Jar quickly jumps out of the sub and starts swimming away frantically, only to
look back and see Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan laughing while pointing at him. He
realizes that he has just been tricked. Just glad to be alive, Jar Jar lets out
a sigh of relief.


THEED PALACE
- THE MAIN STAIRCASE Queen Amidala, Sio Bibble, and the royal handmaidens are
walking down the main staircase, surrounded by several armed battle droids.
Captain Panaka and four Naboo guards follow behind at gunpoint. Nute and Rune
walk beside the Queen.

BIBBLE:
How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?

NUTE:
The Queen and I wiiill sign a treeeaty that wiiill legiiitimize our
occupaaation here. I've been assuuured it will be raaatified by the Seeenate.

AMIDALA:
(confused) Huh? Oh, nevermind. Whatever it was you just said, I will not
co-operate!

NUTE:
Now, now, your Hiiighness. You are not goooing to like whaaat we have in
stooore for your peeeople. In time, their suuuffering will peeersuade you to
see our poooint of view. Commaaander. Prooocess them.

COMMANDER:
Yes sir! (turns to his captain) Captain, take them to Camp Four.

CAPTAIN:
Roger roger.

AMIDALA:
(whispers to Bibble) Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention about terms
being discussed in a language you can understand?

BIBBLE:
(scornfully) Geneva Convention?! What do you think this is, a NATO invasion?!
(mumbling) Silly teenager!

The
battle droids march the group out of the palace into the city plaza.


THE
CITY PLAZA The city plaza is filled with
tanks and battle droids, which the prisoners pass on their way to the detention
camp. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Jar Jar sneak across on a walkway above the plaza
and jump from a balcony, beginning an attack to rescue the Queen. Four battle
droids are instantly cut down. More droids move forward and are also cut down
by the Jedi's slashing lightsabers. Qui-Gon raises his hand and sends a couple
of droids crashing into a wall. He and Obi-Wan then rush over to the Queen and
guide her and the others around a corner, out of sight. Captain Panaka and his
men pick up the battle droids' weapons and follow.

QUI-GON:
(patronizingly) So, you're the Queen! Why, you're just a cute little teenager.

BIBBLE:
(mumbling again) A silly teenager!

AMIDALA:
(sarcastically) Well, they always told us you could NEVER fool a Jedi, 'cause
they're like, "really, really smart".

QUI-GON:
(smiles, until he realizes Amidala was mocking him; looks over to see Obi-Wan
holding his head down quietly laughing; looks back at Amidala, rather embarrassed.)
Uh, Your Highness, we uh, are the Ambassadors, for the uh, Supreme Chancellor.

BIBBLE:
(snidely) Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.

QUI-GON:
Look old man, the negotiations never took place! (To Amidala) Geez, old people
these days! (notices Amidala staring at the gray in his beard) Uh, Your
Highness, we must make contact with the Republic.

PANAKA:
They've knocked out all our communications.

QUI-GON:
Do you have transports?

PANAKA:
In the main hangar. This way.


MAIN
HANGAR Captain Panaka cracks open a side door to the main hangar. Qui-Gon looks
in over his shoulder. Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group are behind
him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by a couple dozen battle droids.
On the ground, near the ships, are seated several pilots, guards, and crew --
prisoners of the droids.

PANAKA:
There are too many of them.

Obi-Wan
looks over at Panaka, shaking his head pitifully.

QUI-GON:
That won't be a problem. Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you
come to Coruscant with us.

AMIDALA:
Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is with my people.

QUI-GON:
They will kill you if you stay.

BIBBLE:
They wouldn't dare.

PANAKA:
They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't
afford to kill her. Bibble here, on the other hand, might be considered
somewhat expendable.

BIBBLE:
(trembling, nervously whispers to Qui-Gon) Uh, you know, I haven't been to
Coruscant in years! And I've got a lot of powerful friends there. Maybe I should
be going instead of...

QUI-GON:
You're a disgusting old man. (To Amidala) The situation here is not what it
seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no
logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you.

BIBBLE:
(trying not to look like a total coward) Please, Your Highness, reconsider. Our
only hope is for the Senate to side with us. Senator Palpatine will need your
help.

PANAKA:
Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your
Highness! Any attempt to escape will be dangerous!

OBI-WAN:
Whoa, Captain! You are just being waaay too anxious, man. (Whispering) Want
some Prozac? (Panaka looks at Obi-Wan like he's crazy and moves away from him)
Okay, man... your loss (pops a couple of pills in his mouth).

BIBBLE:
(still trying to save face with fake nobility) Your Highness, I will stay here
and do what I can... they will have to retain the Council of Governors in order
to maintain control. But you must leave!

The
Queen turns to Padme.

AMIDALA:
Either choice presents great danger... to us all.

PADME:
We are brave, Your Highness.

QUI-GON:
If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.

AMIDALA:
Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. Be careful Governor, and
please... stop trembling!

The
door opens wide to the main hangar. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Jar Jar, Captain Panaka,
two guards, and the handmaidens enter, followed by the Queen, and head for a
sleek chrome spacecraft.

PANAKA:
We need to free those pilots (points to several pilots, ground crew, and guards
held by six battle droids).

OBI-WAN:
(grinning) Ha-Ha! I'll handle that! (swaggers toward the prisoners).

PANAKA:
(to Qui-Gon, looking over at Obi-Wan) You sure he's ok? Just how long have you
known him?

QUI-GON:
You'd better enjoy this... he's even more unbearable once his medication wears
off.

Qui-Gon,
the Queen, Captain Panaka, Jar Jar, and the rest of the group approach the
battle droid guards at the ramp of the chrome Naboo craft.

GUARD
DROID: Halt! And just where do you think you're going?

QUI-GON:
I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to
Coruscant.

GUARD
DROID: That does not compute. Where did you say? I can't understand you.

QUI-GON:
(folds arms) Right. You work for the Trade Viceroy, and you can't understand
what I'M saying?

GUARD
DROID: Oh, I see... a smart-ass. That's it punk... you're under arrest!

The
Guard Droid draws his weapon, but before any of the droids can fire, they are
cut down. Other guards run to their aid. Obi-Wan is slicing and dicing droids
while laughing. He and Qui-Gon free the pilots, guards and ground crew, some of
whom rush on board the ship with the Queen and her staff, while others run over
to Governor Bibble. Qui-Gon yells to Obi-Wan to get on board, but he's laughing
so hard, the Jedi Master has to grab him and pull him onto the ship. The ship
zooms out of the hangar, headed for space -- and into the waiting Federation
battleship blockade.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT The pilot, Ric Olie, navigates toward the massive main
battleship, through a hail of laser fire, as Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch.

RIC
OLIE: Our communications are still jammed!


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD Jar Jar is led into a low, cramped room by Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN:
(still grinning) Now stay here and keep out of trouble... or else! (pulls robe
back, exposing his lightsaber to Jar Jar).

JAR
JAR: (nervously grins) Okie dokie!

Obi-Wan
closes the door. Jar Jar looks around and sees a row of five short, dome-topped
astro droids (R2 units). They all look alike, except for their paint color, and
they all seem to be shut down.

JAR
JAR: Ello, boyos. Disa wanna longo trip, hey?

Suddenly
there is an explosion, shaking the ship violently, as the shield generator is
hit. The droids are activated and roll out onto the ship's exterior, where they
begin emergency repair work. One by one, they are picked off by laser fire
until one blue droid completes the repair.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT RIC OLIE: Power’s back! That little droid did it. He
bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shields up, at maximum.

The
lone blue droid goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft speeds away from
the Federation battleship.

RIC
OLIE: There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant... the hyperdrive is
leaking.

QUI-GON:
We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.

OBI-WAN:
(studies a star chart on a monitor) Here, Master. Tatooine. It's small, out of
the way, poor. The Trade Federation has no presence there.

PANAKA:
How can you be sure?

Obi-Wan
smirks at Panaka.

QUI-GON:
It's controlled by the Hutts...

PANAKA:
The Hutts? As in "Jabba the Hutt"?!

OBI-WAN:
(Sarcastically) No, as in "Pizza the Hutt". Geez!

PANAKA:
(ignoring Obi-Wan's lame remark) You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The
Hutts are gangsters! If they discovered her...

QUI-GON:
It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the
Federation... except the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us the
advantage.

OBI-WAN:
Yeah Captain, man... you really need to chill-out. (Starts waving his Prozac
bottle at Panaka, while mouthing the words "want some?" Panaka leans
back and places his hand on his gun while staring at Obi-Wan, who grins
nervously and turns back around in his chair).


FEDERATION
BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM Nute and Rune sit at a conference table with a
hologram of Darth Sidious.

NUTE:
We controool all the cities in the Nooorth and are seeearching for any ooother
settlemeeents...

DARTH
SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy,
starting with that sniveling Bibble! And Queen Amidala, has she signed the
treaty?

NUTE:
She haaas... disappeeeared, My Looord. One Naboo cruuuiser got paaast the
blockaaade.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: What? Oh, yes, yes. WHAT?! You let her get away?! Viceroy, find her! I
want that treaty signed!

NUTE:
My Looord, it's impooossible to locaaate the ship. It's ooout of raaange.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: Not for a Sith... (a second Sith Lord appears behind Darth Sidious,
wearing sunglasses, chewing gum and shaking his head to some cheesy theme
music, like something out of the WWF) Viceroy, this is my apprentice, Darth
Maul. He will find your lost ship. (Turns to Maul and starts shaking his head
to the music, as both holograms fade away).

NUTE:
Yes, My Lord. (to Rune) This is getting out of hand... now there are two of
them, with their own cheesy theme music.

RUNE:
Yeah, that music really sucked! (turns on an 8-track tape and starts playing
"The Bee-Gees' Greatest Hits", while disco dancing) Now THIS is
music!

NUTE:
Yeah! (joins in with Rune).


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Captain Panaka, and the little
blue droid stand before Queen Amidala and her three handmaidens.

PANAKA:
An extremely well put together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the
ship, as well as our lives.

AMIDALA:
It is to be commended. What is its number?

The
little blue droid lets out a series of bleeps. Captain Panaka leans over and
scrapes some dirt off of the side of the droid and reads the number.

PANAKA:
R2-D2, Your Highness.

AMIDALA:
Thank you, R2-D2. Padme, clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our
gratitude. Continue, Captain.

Captain
Panaka looks nervously to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.

QUI-GON:
Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine. It is a
system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There, we will be able to
make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.

PANAKA:
I do not agree with the Jedi on this.

Obi-Wan
again smirks and shakes his head at Panaka, who notices him and glares back.

QUI-GON:
You must trust my judgment, Your Highness.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA Padme is in the Main Area, squatting next to R2-D2,
while cleaning the droid. Jar Jar suddenly pops out of an open door.

JAR
JAR: Hidoe!

PADME:
(surprised, loses her balance and falls backward, flat on her butt) What
the...!!

JAR
JAR: Meesa Ja Ja Binksss!

PADME:
(angrily) Do that again, I'll have you put to death! (nervously) Uh, that is,
if I were Queen, I uh, would have you put to death. (Closes eyes, takes deep
breath) Look, forget it. Just don't do that again! And whatever you might
think, I am NOT the true Queen. (standing up) I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness.
Uh, you're a Gungan, aren't you? (Jar Jar nods) How did you end up here with us?

JAR
JAR: My no know... meesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning
munchen. Den boom... getten berry skeered, un grabbin’ dat Jedi, and before
meesa knowen it... pow! Meesa here. (He shrugs) Meesa getten berry berry
skeered.

PADME:
(confused) What? Oh, nevermind. You're not the only one who's been talking
crazy today.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka watch over Ric Olie's
shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. Olie searches his
scopes.

OBI-WAN:
(bows down right next to Olie's face, after just having eaten a fried onion
sandwich) That's it. Tatooine.

RIC
OLIE: (irritated with Obi-Wan's onion breath) Yeah, I know! There's a
settlement... a spaceport, looks like. (turns to Obi-Wan, sarcastically) Gee,
you think you could get a little closer to my nose?! I'm still having trouble
trying to figure out what you had for lunch!

OBI-WAN:
Actually, it was this rather delightful fried onion sandwich I found in a
backpack sitting under the console here...

RIC
OLIE: Wow! What a coincidence! I had a fried onion sandwich in a backpack under
the console. It was gonna be the only thing I had to eat all day!

OBI-WAN:
(Belches, then stands up, embarrassed) Uh... excuse me (hastily exits the
cockpit).

QUI-GON:
(still looking out the window, oblivious to the previous discourse) Land near
the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

The
Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of Mos
Espa is seen in the distance.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA Obi-Wan is working on the hyperdrive, still belching,
when Qui-Gon walks in, wearing a poncho over his Jedi clothes.

OBI-WAN:
The Hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.

QUI-GON:
(frowns, looks up, sniffing) Well, that will complicate things a bit. What is
that smell? (looks at Obi-Wan, who turns away, covering his mouth). Don't let
them send any transmissions. Be wary... ugh… I smell, I mean, I sense a
disturbance in the Force.

OBI-WAN:
(hand still over mouth) I feel it also, Master.

QUI-GON:
(holding nose) Man, it smells like a fried onion sandwich! I hate those things.
People who eat them are disgusting! (Walks out of room).

OBI-WAN:
(puts hand down and sticks tongue out at Qui-Gon) Elitist snob!

Qui-Gon
quickly peeks around the door, still trying to catch Obi-Wan in the act.
Obi-Wan just smiles back. Qui-Gon turns and walks away, joining R2-D2 and Jar
Jar. They leave the ship to start their long journey across the desert toward
the city of Mos Espa.

JAR
JAR: Dis sun doen murder ta meesa skin.

From
the spaceship, Captain Panaka and Padme run toward them.

PANAKA:
Wait!

The
group turns and waits for the others to catch up. Padme is dressed in rough
peasant's garb.

PANAKA:
Her Highness commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She wishes for her
to observe the local...

QUI-GON:
No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is not going
to be pleasant.

PANAKA:
The Queen wishes it. She is curious about the planet.

QUI-GON:
(angrily at Padme) Ah crap… Come on then. And don't get too close to me!


MOS
ESPA - MAIN STREET
QUI-GON: (looking around) This planet is made up of moisture farms for the most
part, but also a few indigenous tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like
this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found.

PADME:
Like us.

The
little group continues to walk down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass
dangerous looking citizens of all types. Padme looks around in awe at this
environment, then eyes a Tusken Raider walking by.

RAIDER:
Hey baby, what's a fine thing like you doing in a place like this?

PADME:
(blushing) Oh... well, we're here to...

Qui-Gon
steps over to investigate.

QUI-GON:
Is there a problem here?

RAIDER:
Not 'til you came over, chump!

QUI-GON:
What did you call me?

RAIDER:
I called you a low-life, sissified, two-bit chump! (Raises rifle).

Qui-Gon
throws his poncho over one shoulder, exposing his lightsaber. He then takes out
an old, half-chewed cigar and lights it, while staring at the Raider and
without saying a word. The Raider becomes terrified at the sight of a Jedi
acting like Clint Eastwood. He takes off running.

QUI-GON:
(starts coughing, throws cigar down) You'd be amazed how many times that macho
crap works. (Looks over to Padme, who's smiling at him with this star-struck,
teenager-in-love look). Oh-no... we'd better get going, it's getting late.

Qui-Gon
walks ahead, with Padme floating behind him. As Jar Jar nosily watches a couple
arguing, he accidentally steps in deep dudu.

JAR
JAR: Dissen berry berry bad. (Steps in it) Ooooh... icky... icky... goo.
(wiping foot off).


MOS
ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA
The group comes to a little plaza surrounded by several junk spaceship dealers.

QUI-GON:
We'll try one of the smaller dealers.

They
head for a little junk shop that has a huge pile of broken spaceships stacked
up behind it.


WATTO'S
JUNK SHOP Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, Padme and R2-D2 enter the dingy junk shop and are
greeted by Watto, a disgusting little blue creature who flies on short little
wings like a hummingbird.

WATTO:
(subtitled) Hi chuba da naga? ("Good day to you. What do you want?")

QUI-GON:
I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.

WATTO:
Ah yes. Nubian. We have lots of that. (subtitled) Peedenkel! Naba dee unko
("Boy, get in here, now!")

QUI-GON:
My droid here has a readout of what I need.

A
disheveled boy named Anakin Skywalker runs in from the junkyard. He is about
nine years old and dressed in old clothes.

WATTO:
(subtitled) Coona tee-tocky malia? ("What took you so long?")

ANAKIN:
(subtitled) Mel tassa cho-passa... ("I was cleaning the fan
switches")

WATTO:
(subtitled) Chut-Chut! Ganda doe wallya. ("Nevermind! Watch the
store") Me dwana no bata. ("I've got some selling to do here").
(to Qui-Gon) Soooo, let me take-a thee out back huh. You'll find what you need.

R2-D2
and Qui-Gon follow Watto toward the junkyard. Jar Jar picks up a gadget, trying
to figure out its purpose. As he passes Jar Jar, Qui-Gon takes the part out of
his hand and puts it back.

QUI-GON:
Don't touch anything!

Jar
Jar makes a rude face to Qui-Gon's back and sticks out his long tongue. Qui-Gon
quickly turns around, catching Jar Jar in the act, and grabs his tongue.

QUI-GON:
If I ever catch you doing that again, I'll garrote you with this thing! (Ties
tongue around a pole and walks outside to Watto).

Anakin
laughs at Jar Jar. Then he sits on the counter, pretending to clean a part,
while staring at Padme, who's still looking dreamy-eyed at Qui-Gon outside. She
is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen in his life. Anakin clears his
throat to get her attention. She looks at him puzzled, then is embarrassed
because she realizes he was watching her stare at Qui-Gon.

ANAKIN:
Are you an angel?

PADME:
What?

ANAKIN:
An angel. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They are the most
beautiful creatures in the universe. They live on the Moons of Iego I think.

PADME:
Now that's one of the best lines I've ever heard, and I've been around. You're
a funny little boy... exactly how old are you anyway?

ANAKIN:
(defensively) I'm 9 1/2 years old and I'm very mature for my age!

PADME:
I'll say! How come you know so much?

ANAKIN:
I've been around this place since I was very little, three, I think. My Mom and
I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us betting on the Podraces to
Watto. Anyway, I've seen a lotta stuff go down around here in the last six
years.

PADME:
(disappointed) So, you're... a slave? I mean, you don't have any money?

ANAKIN:
(defiantly) I am a person! My name is Anakin! And money ain't everything.
(Winks at Padme).

PADME:
(shocked, but getting interested in Anakin's bold approach) Kinda fresh, ain't
ya? You truly are a strange boy! (Smiles and winks back).

ANAKIN:
(studies her intently) Wanna get married someday?

Padme
stands surprised with her mouth open, about to answer, when Jar Jar, who's
since untied his tongue from the pole, pushes the nose on what appears to be a
little helmet that instantly comes to life, growing legs and arms, marching
around and knocking over everything. Jar Jar tries to hold on to the droid, but
can't stop it.

ANAKIN:
Hit the nose!

Jar
Jar hits the nose and the droid collapses back into its original state. Anakin
and Padme laugh. Jar Jar just stands there looking stupid -- again.


WATTO'S
JUNK YARD - BEHIND SHOP Watto reads a small portable monitor he is holding. He
stands before a hyperdrive.

WATTO:
Here it is... a T-14 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one
hereabouts who has one... but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be
cheaper, I think. Saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all this?

QUI-GON:
I have 20,000 Republic Dataries.

WATTO:
Republic credits?! Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more
real.

QUI-GON:
I don't have anything else. (Waves his hand) But credits will do fine.

WATTO:
No they won'ta.

QUI-GON:
(waves his hand again) Credits will do fine.

WATTO:
No, they won'ta! What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around
like that? I'm a greedy S.O.B.! Mind tricks don'ta work on me -- only money. No
money, no parts! No deal! And no one else has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you
that.

Qui-Gon
uses the Force to knock the portable monitor out of Watto's hands.

WATTO:
Hey!

QUI-GON:
(smiles) Have a nice day (turns and walks away).


WATTO'S
JUNK SHOP Jar Jar pulls a part out of a stack of parts to inspect it and they
all come tumbling down. He struggles to catch them, only to knock more down.
Anakin looks over, irritated.

PADME:
Forget about him... he's just stupid. Now where were we? Oh yeah, you were
telling me how wonderful my eyes are.

ANAKIN:
(still looking at Jar Jar, knowing he's gonna have to fix anything that idiot
breaks) Uh... yeah... (looks back at Padme, who's now giving him that
dreamy-eyed look). I wouldn't have lasted this long if I weren't so good at
fixing things. (Nervously, because Padme's staring is starting to freak him
out) Uhhh... hey, I'm making my own droid!

Qui-Gon
hurries into the shop, followed by R2-D2.

QUI-GON:
We're leaving. Jar Jar.

Jar
Jar follows Qui-Gon out of the shop. Padme is still giving Anakin a dreamy
look, as she turns to leave the shop.

PADME:
I'm glad to have met you, Anakin (smiles and waves goodbye as she disappears
outside).

ANAKIN:
I was glad to meet you too! (Stares intently at the doorway, still trying to
figure Padme out).

WATTO:
(enters the store and flies over to Anakin, shaking his head). (subtitled)
Ootmians! Tinka me chasa hopoe ma booty na nolia. ("Outlanders! They think
we know nothing").

ANAKIN:
(subtitled) La lova num botaffa.("They seemed nice to me").

WATTO:
(subtitled) Fweepa niaga. Tolpa da bunky dunko. ("Oh what do you know,
flirting with that girl! Clean the racks, then you can go home").

Anakin
lets out a "yippee" and runs out the back.


MOS
ESPA - STREET Qui-Gon, R2-D2, Jar Jar and Padme have found a quiet spot between
two buildings. The busy street beyond is filled with dangerous looking
creatures. Qui-Gon is talking on his comlink, while Jar Jar nervously watches
the street. Obi-Wan talks to his master from the main hold of the Naboo craft.

QUI-GON:
And you're sure there isn't anything of value left on board?

OBI-WAN:
A few containers of supplies, the Queen's gaudy wardrobe, maybe. But, not
enough for you to barter with. Not in the amounts you're talking about.
(Smiling) You know, I used to do a little exotic dancing before hooking up with
you. I was pretty good, too. Made a lot of money. I bet if I borrowed something
from the Queen, I could still... (hears a loud click noise) Hello? Master?

Qui-Gon,
disgusted, puts his comlink away and starts out into the main street. Jar Jar
grabs his arm.

JAR
JAR: Noah gain... da beings hereabouts cawazy. Weesa be robbed un crunched.

QUI-GON:
(looks down at Jar Jar's hand on his arm) Don't touch me.

JAR
JAR: (snatches hand away) Ooops, hee hee, meesa sorry!


MOS
ESPA - STREET - MARKET Qui-Gon, Padme, Jar Jar and R2-D2 move out into the
street. Jar Jar is walking behind the others. They walk by an outdoor cafe
filled with a rough gang of creatures, one of which is especially ugly, named
Sebulba. Jar Jar stops for a moment in front of a stall selling dead frogs
hanging on a wire. He wonders if he's still the shoplifter he used to be. He
looks around to see if anyone is watching, then sticks out his tongue, getting
hold of one and pulling it into his mouth. However, the frog is tied tightly to
the wire. Then the vendor suddenly appears.

VENDOR:
(aims sawed-off shotgun right at Jar Jar's face) You want fries with that?

Shocked,
Jar Jar opens his mouth and the frog snaps away, ricochets around the stall,
and lands in Sebulba's soup, splashing him. As Jar Jar tries to sneak away from
the scene, Sebulba jumps over, knocks him on the ground and holds the frog up
to his face.

SEBULBA:
(subtitled) Chuba!! ("You!!")

JAR
JAR: (trembling) Who, meesa?

SEBULBA:
(subtitled) Ni chuba na?? ("Is this yours?" Holds the frog up to the
Gungan, threateningly).

Jar
Jar, sniveling, turns to see Anakin standing next to him. The boy stands up to
Sebulba, unafraid.

ANAKIN:
(subtitled) Chess ko, Sebulba... Coo wolpa tooney rana. ("Careful,
Sebulba... he's a big-time Outlander! I'd hate to see you diced before we race
again.")

Sebulba
releases Jar Jar and gets in Anakin's face.

SEBULBA:
(subtitled) Neek me chowa, wermo, mo killee ma klounkee ("Next time we
race, it will be the end of you!") Una noto wo shag, me wompity du pom
pom. ("If you weren't a slave, I'd squash you right now.")

Sebulba
walks away.

ANAKIN:
(subtitled) Eh, chee bana do mullee ra. ("Yeah, it'd be a pity if you had
to pay for me.")

Qui-Gon,
Padme and R2-D2 come over to Anakin and Jar Jar.

ANAKIN:
Hi. Your buddy here was about to be turned into orange goo...

QUI-GON:
HE is NOT my buddy!

ANAKIN:
(cautiously) Oooh-kaaay. Anyway, he picked a fight with a Dug. An especially
dangerous Dug called Sebulba.

JAR
JAR: Nosir, nosir. Meesa haten crunchen. Dat's da last ting meesa wanten.

QUI-GON:
(pointing in Jar Jar's face) You'd better stay outta trouble! Next time, you
won't have a kid around to save your butt! (To Anakin) Thanks, my young friend.

Padme
winks at Anakin, who smiles back. They start walking down the crowded street
together. The wind is beginning to pick up.

JAR
JAR: (still lying) Meesa doen nutten!


TATOOINE
- DESERT - SPACESHIP Obi-Wan stands in front of the Naboo spacecraft as the
wind picks up and begins to whip at his robe. Captain Panaka exits the ship and
joins him.

OBI-WAN:
This storm will slow them down.

PANAKA:
Yeah, it looks pretty bad. Very dangerous. We'd better seal the ship.

OBI-WAN:
Well, I wouldn't go THAT far. You really need to stop being so anxious about
things, my friend. (Reaching into utility belt) Here, try some of my...

PANAKA:
(angrily) If you offer me those pills one more time, I'll shove that bottle up
a certain place so hard, the Force won't even be able to pry it out!!

Obi-Wan
swallows hard and puts the pills back. Captain Panaka's comlink sounds off.

PANAKA:
(into comlink) Panaka. Okay, we'll be right there. (To Obi-Wan) They're
receiving a transmission. Let's go.

Obi-Wan
and Captain Panaka hurry back onto the ship.


MOS
ESPA - STREET - FRUIT STAND Anakin and the group stop at a fruit stand run by a
kindly, very poor old lady named Jira.

ANAKIN:
How are you feeling today, Jira?

JIRA:
The heat's never been kind to me you know, Annie.

ANAKIN:
(embarrassed because of Padme's presence) Please don't call me that! I'm not a
little baby any more!

JIRA:
(laughing, pinching Anakin's cheek) Oh Annie, you'll always be our little baby
around here. (To Padme) Did he tell you about the time he drank too much soda,
had a nightmare about some guy in a black outfit who was breathing heavily,
causing him to wet the bed... twice?

ANAKIN:
(angrily) That was a long time ago!

JIRA:
(surprised) It was last Tuesday!

Padme
starts laughing, then Qui-Gon, and finally Jar Jar, who's relieved to see
someone else being the butt of a joke for a change).

ANAKIN:
(tries to change the subject by offering Qui-Gon some fruit from Jira's table)
Here, you'll like these...

Qui-Gon,
still laughing, rubs Anakin's head and reaches into his pocket for some coins,
revealing for a moment his lightsaber. Anakin turns around, surprised.

JIRA:
Gracious, my bones are aching! Storm's coming on, Annie. You'd better get home
quick.

The
winds are getting even stronger as all the shopkeepers begin closing down.

ANAKIN:
(to Qui-Gon) Do you have shelter?

QUI-GON:
We'll head back to our ship.

ANAKIN:
Is it far?

PADME:
It’s on the outskirts.

ANAKIN:
You'll never reach the outskirts in time. Sandstorms are very, very dangerous.
Come on, I'll take you to my place.

The
group follows Anakin as he rushes down the windy street.


MOS
ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - STREET The wind has become a blinding sandstorm as
Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2-D2 and Padme follow Anakin down the street and into a
slave hovel.


ANAKIN'S
HOVEL - MAIN ROOM The group enters the main room of a very small residence.

ANAKIN:
Mom! Mom, I'm home!

JAR
JAR: Ah, dissen cozy... for a bug.

Anakin's
mother, Shmi Skywalker, a woman of forty, enters from her work area and is
startled to see the room full of visitors.

SHMI:
(staring at Qui-Gon) Oh no! Annie, what the...

ANAKIN:
These are my friends, Mom.

QUI-GON:
I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, that's Padme, and this is Jar Jar Binks.

PADME:
And our droid, R2-D2.

ANAKIN:
I'm building a droid. You wanna see?

SHMI:
Anakin! Why are they here?!

ANAKIN:
A sandstorm, Mom. Listen.

The
wind howls outside.

QUI-GON:
Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.

SHMI:
Oh, great! Now I've gotta figure out how to split five beans among all of us
for dinner!

QUI-GON:
(irritated) It shouldn't be that hard, woman! I mean after all, there are five
of us life forms here. Five divided by five equals one... one bean for each us.
Geez, you don't exactly have to be a rocket scientist here!

Shmi
is so offended, she runs into the kitchen, weeping. Qui-Gon doesn't have a clue
what just happened, until Padme stomps on his foot, hard.

QUI-GON:
OW!!! (angrily reaching for his foot, looking at Padme) What?!

PADME:
Well, Mr. Tactful-butt, you've done it again. Don't you see that she was trying
to tell us how poor they are and that we're gonna eat what little they have
left?

Qui-Gon
thinks for a moment, then takes five small capsules from his utility belt,
walks into the kitchen and hands them to Shmi, who's sitting with her head held
down.

QUI-GON:
(puts hand on Shmi's shoulder, while handing her the capsules) There. I have
enough food here to make a meal for everybody. I was just having a little fun
with you.

SHMI:
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. (Stands before Qui-Gon) I'm sorry for acting
so inhospitable. I'm usually not that rude... (suddenly groin-kicks Qui-Gon,
who groans as his face turns red). There! Now I'M just having a little fun with
YOU! I'd say we're even now?

Qui-Gon,
bent over, nods and hobbles off into the main room. He looks up to see Padme
smirking.

ANAKIN:
(runs from his room over to Padme) Come on! Let me show you 3-PO! (He leads
Padme into the other room. R2-D2 follows, beeping all the way).


ANAKIN'S
HOVEL - BEDROOM Anakin shows off his droid, which is lying on his workbench.
There is one eye in the head; the body, arms and legs have no outer coverings.

ANAKIN:
Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.

PADME:
He's wonderful! Uh... what is he?

ANAKIN:
He's a protocol droid, silly... to help Mom. Watch!

Anakin
pushes a switch, and the droid sits up. Anakin rushes around, grabs an eye and
puts it in one of the sockets.

C-3PO:
(turns to Padme) Hello, my name's Bart Simpson... who the hell are you?

ANAKIN:
Yikes, I thought I fixed that bug!

PADME:
Well, other than his rude mouth, he's perfect.

ANAKIN:
When the storm is over, I'll show you my racer. I'm building a Podracer!

Padme
nervously smiles at Anakin's enthusiasm, wondering if the podracer's gonna be
rude to her too. R2-D2 lets out a flurry of beeps and whistles.

C-3PO:
I beg your pardon. What do you mean I'm naked, mutha...

R2-D2
lets out another flurry of loud beeps and whistles, drowning out the rest of
C-3PO's rude remark.

ANAKIN:
(quickly turns C-3PO off) Uh, I think he's gonna need a lot more work!

Padme
worriedly nods her head in agreement.


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS Amidala, her handmaidens, Captain Panaka and
Obi-Wan watch a shaky transmission of Sio Bibble's hologram.

BIBBLE:
The death toll is catastrophic. We must bow to their wishes. You must contact
me!

AMIDALA:
What an awful transmission... it's shaking terribly!

PANAKA:
The transmission's fine, Your Highness. It's Bibble who's shaking.

OBI-WAN:
It's a trick. Send no reply... send no transmission of any kind! (Walks out of
room).


ANAKIN'S
HOVEL - MAIN ROOM Qui-Gon is listening to his comlink. Obi-Wan is talking to
him from the ship's cockpit.

QUI-GON:
It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace.

OBI-WAN:
What if it is true... and the people are dying?

QUI-GON:
More than likely, ol' Bibble's just sniveling again. Either way, we're running
out of time.


CORUSCANT
Darth Sidious and Darth Maul walk out onto a balcony overlooking the endless
horizon of Coruscant at night.

DARTH
MAUL: (still wearing sunglasses, bumps into Darth Sidious) Ooops! Sorry, my
Master.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: Darn it, Maul! I've told you about wearing those things at night!
Besides, they don't even look cool after sunset. They make you look like you're
on drugs or something. Take them off immediately!

DARTH
MAUL: Yes, my Master. (Removes glasses and starts squinting, trying to adjust
his orange eyes to the balcony lights). Tatooine is sparsely populated. (Starts
blinking) If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master. (Starts
rotating eyes, blinking wildly).

DARTH
SIDIOUS: (looks at Maul) Move against the Jedi first... you will then have no
difficulty taking the Queen back to Naboo to sign the treaty. (Starts blinking
wildly in unison with Maul). Darn it, man! Stop doing that... you're freaking
me out!

DARTH
MAUL: (bows head) Sorry, my Master. (Stops blinking, looks back up to Sidious)
At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: You have been well trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match
for you. (Notices Maul grinning at him, rapidly chewing gum) And must you chew
gum? (Turns and walks back inside the apartment).

Maul
frowns and takes the gum out of his mouth, sticking it under the balcony railing,
just as he hears a voice calling out in the distance.

DARTH
SIDIOUS: I saw that! Now dispose of it properly.

DARTH
MAUL: Yes, my Master. (Takes gum off railing and puts it in a wrapper, while
mumbling something rude).


MOS
ESPA The giant sandstorm engulfs the town, including the Naboo spaceship on the
outskirts of the city center and the slave quarters, where drifts of sand begin
building up against Anakin's hovel.


ANAKIN'S
HOVEL - KITCHEN Qui-Gon, Anakin, Jar Jar and Padme are seated around a table.
Shmi is walking around the table serving a beverage as the wind howls outside.

SHMI:
All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.

ANAKIN:
I've been working on a scanner trying to locate mine, but no luck.

SHMI:
(sits down at table) Any attempt to escape...

ANAKIN:
And they blow you up... BOOM!!! (Slams hand down on the table, just as Padme is
drinking water).

PADME:
(startled, spills water on herself) Darn it! Now look what you made me do!

JAR
JAR: How wude.

ANAKIN:
I'm sorry! Here, let me help you (grabs a towel and tries to wipe the water off
Padme, who snatches the towel away).

PADME:
(staring at Anakin while wiping water off herself) 9 1/2 years old, eh?

Anakin
winks at Padme, who's no longer mad and smiles and winks back. She notices Shmi
staring at both of them suspiciously.

PADME:
(nervously) Uh, I can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy. The
Republic's anti-slavery laws...

SHMI:
The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own, however we
can. (Looks Padme up and down) But I guess I don't have to tell YOU about
hustling for a living (looks away while stroking her hair).

Padme
sits in shock with her mouth wide open; Qui-Gon quietly snickers; Jar Jar has
no clue what's going on. There's an awkward silence. Anakin attempts to end the
embarrassing tension.

ANAKIN:
Uh, has anybody ever seen a Podrace?

Jar
Jar snatches some fruit from a bowl across the table with his tongue. Qui-Gon
glares at him.

JAR
JAR: (embarrassed) Ex-squeeze me.

QUI-GON:
They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.

ANAKIN:
I'm the only human who can do it.

QUI-GON:
You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.

Anakin
smiles. Jar Jar attempts to snatch another bit of food from the bowl with his
tongue, but Qui-Gon suddenly grabs it between his thumb and forefinger. He
picks up a bottle of Louisiana
"Gator-Killer" Hot Sauce and sprinkles it liberally on Jar Jar's
tongue.

QUI-GON:
There. That should teach you not to do that again.

Jar
Jar's eyes get very big and start to water, as he grabs a cup. Qui-Gon grabs
his hand.

QUI-GON:
You'll drink when I say so.

Jar
Jar reluctantly releases the cup.

ANAKIN:
(eyeing Qui-Gon) You're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?

QUI-GON:
What makes you think that?

Jar
Jar grabs his throat and starts making gasping noises, but everyone just
ignores him.

ANAKIN:
I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.

Qui-Gon
leans back and slowly smiles.

QUI-GON:
Perhaps I killed a Jedi and stole it from him.

ANAKIN:
I don't think so... no one can kill a Jedi.

QUI-GON:
I wish that were so.

Jar
Jar's eyes start rolling back, as he gets dizzy and starts swaying... still
nobody pays him any attention.

ANAKIN:
I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves. Have you
come to free us?

QUI-GON:
No, I'm afraid not.

ANAKIN:
I think you have. Why else would you be here?

QUI-GON:
(stares at Anakin for a moment) You know, you ask an awful lot of questions.
When I was a kid, such behavior was considered very, very rude. (Stares off
into space) I can still remember being punished... punished very, very
severely... for asking too many prying, nosey questions. (looks at Shmi, who's
watching him nervously) Parents these days... they just let their kids run wild,
doing whatever they like, with no respect for authority, no manners. Maybe it's
the parents who should be punished... punished very, very severely. (Shmi
slowly picks up a butter knife and holds it down to her side). Yes... (now
staring at Shmi in a trance) You look like you need to be punished... punished
very, very severely.

The
room is filled with a prolonged, surreal tension, that's finally broken when
Jar Jar passes out into his dinner plate, making a loud crashing noise.
Everyone is startled.

QUI-GON:
(snaps out of whatever he was in) Uh... uh... where was I? Oh yeah. Uh... we're
on our way to Coruscant, the central system in the Republic, on a very
important mission.

ANAKIN:
(cautiously) Oh, yeah, Coruscant... wow. (to Padme, asking her the questions
this time) How did you end up here in the outer rim?

PADME:
Our ship was damaged and we're stranded here until we can repair it.

ANAKIN:
I can help! I can fix anything!

QUI-GON:
(splashes a cup of water in Jar Jar's face) I believe you can, but our first
job is to acquire the parts we need.

JAR
JAR: (starts moaning in his plate, then looks up with food all over his face;
Qui-Gon hands him a cup of water) O tanks! (Gulps water down, then starts
licking the food off his face with his tongue, as the others watch perplexed
and disgusted).

QUI-GON:
Uh... as I was saying, our first job will be to acquire the parts we need...

JAR
JAR: Wit no-nutten mula to trade.

PADME:
These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.

SHMI:
(still watching Qui-Gon and clutching the butter knife) Gambling. Everything
here revolves around betting on those awful races.

QUI-GON:
Pod racing. Greed can be a powerful ally.

ANAKIN:
I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever. There's a big race tomorrow, on
Boonta Eve. You could enter my Pod.

SHMI:
Anakin, Watto won't let you.

ANAKIN:
Watto doesn't know I've built it. (points to Qui-Gon) You could make him think
it's yours and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.

SHMI:
I don't want you to race, it's awful. I die every time Watto makes you do it.

ANAKIN:
But Mom, I love it. The prize money would more than pay for the parts they
need.

SHMI:
Anakin...

QUI-GON:
(sighs) Your mother's right. (angrily looks at Shmi) Is there anyone
"else" friendly to the Republic who can help us?

SHMI:
Well in your case, there's this therapist who might be able to help you with
your not-so-repressed feelings of anger.

QUI-GON:
(angrily) I don't need any stupid shrink! Who do you think I am, Obi-Wan?!

SHMI:
(confused) Obi-who?

QUI-GON:
Not "Obi-who"... Obi-Wan! Darn it woman, you sure can't deny that
you're as dim as a burnt-out light bulb!

SHMI:
(standing) Oh, so now you're gonna start lecturing ME on denial? That's it!
(Raises butter knife toward Qui-Gon).

QUI-GON:
(looking at the butter knife) Oh now what? No more groin kicks? What are you
gonna do, butter me to death? (Stands and starts walking over to Shmi). Give me
that thing before somebody gets hurt!

SHMI:
(backing up, pointing knife at Qui-Gon) Get back! Don't make me use this!

Qui-Gon
stops and Shmi won't put the knife down. It's a stand-off... until Padme can't
take it any longer.

PADME:
Enough of this crap!! (Walks over and karate chops the back of Shmi's neck,
dropping her to the floor). This scene was just going on waaay too long and
getting stupider by the minute. Now Qui-Gon, get your butt back over there and
sit down! (Qui-Gon, stunned, slowly takes his seat). You... Jar Jar. Stop
drinking all that water before you start running to the bathroom every five
minutes, causing even further delays on the set! (Looks over at Anakin) Come
here, you! (Anakin nervously walks over to Padme). Here, take this towel and
wet it, then put it over your mother's head until she comes to. (Looks off set
and points) And you, Lucas... sit down!! I'm running this show now!

Anakin
puts the towel over Shmi's head and she starts groaning. He and Padme help her
to her chair.

SHMI:
(dazed) What happened? Ow, my neck is killing me! (starts rubbing neck).

PADME:
Nevermind that. Now look people, we need to get back on track and stop
deviating from the script. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, Shmi, Qui-Gon just
asked you if there was anyone friendly to the Republic. You shake your head no
and... (a voice is heard protesting in the distance). Darn it, George!! I
thought I told you to sit down!! And shut up!! I'm doing this now! What?! (the
voice is still heard complaining off set) Look, don't make me come over there!
Alright, then! (turns and faces the others at the table) Now, is everybody ready?
Okay... and... ACTION!!!

SHMI:
(shakes her head no) No, there is no one.

ANAKIN:
(sadly) Mom... you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one
helps each other.

SHMI:
(still rubbing back of neck) Anakin...

PADME:
Look, I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We'll find some
other way.

SHMI:
No, there is no other way. I may not like it, but he can help you. He was meant
to help you.

Qui-Gon,
still watching Padme, finally looks away at Anakin with this "could he be
the chosen one?" look on his face.


MOS
ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA
The storm has passed. Vendors and Street People clean up the mess and rebuild
their food stalls. Jar Jar sits on a box in front of Watto's junk shop,
watching all the activity with growing nervousness. R2-D2 is standing next to
him. Padme follows Qui-Gon, then stops, as he is about to enter the shop.

PADME:
Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know. The Queen
will not approve.

QUI-GON:
The Queen does not need to know.

PADME:
(pouts) Well, I don't approve.

QUI-GON:
Awww... you're sooo cute when you start pouting (pinches Padme's cheek, until
she slaps his hand away; he laughs, then turns and goes into the shop).


WATTO'S
JUNK SHOP Qui-Gon walks over Watto and Anakin.

WATTO:
The boy tells me you wanta sponsor him insa race. How can you do this? Not on
Republic credits, I think huh (laughs).

QUI-GON:
(sarcastically) Oh, ha, ha... my aren't we funny today (rolls eyes). My ship
will be the entry fee.

Qui-Gon
pulls a small object that looks like a watch out of his pocket and a hologram
of the Naboo spacecraft appears about a foot long in front of Watto. He studies
it.

WATTO:
Not bad, not bad. Nubian, huh?

QUI-GON:
It's in good order, except for the parts I need.

WATTO:
But what would the boy ride? He smashed up my Pod in the last race. It will
take some long time to fix it.

ANAKIN:
Uh... it wasn't my fault, really. Sebulba flashed me with his vents. I actually
saved the Pod... mostly.

WATTO:
(laughing) That you did. The boy is good, no doubts there.

QUI-GON:
Well, I have acquired a Pod in a game of Scrabble... "the fastest ever
built."

WATTO:
I hope you didn't cheat anyone I know for it huh. (laughs) So, you supply the
Pod and the entry fee; I supply the boy. We split the winnings 50-50 I think,
huh?

QUI-GON:
Whoa, whoa... 50-50?! Why you little... if it's gonna be 50-50, YOU'RE fronting
the cash for the entry! If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus the cost of
the parts we need. If we lose, you keep my ship.

Watto
thinks about this.

QUI-GON:
Geez, what's to think about here? Either way, you win, you idiot.

WATTO:
Deal! (slaps Qui-Gon's hand; the Jedi smiles and leaves the shop). (subtitled)
Yo bana pee ho-tah, meedee ya. ("Your friend is a foolish one, methinks.")


NABOO
SPACECRAFT - TATOOINE
DESERT Obi-Wan stands in
the main hold of the Naboo spacecraft, speaking into his comlink to Qui-Gon,
who is on the back porch of the hovel.

OBI-WAN:
What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a very long time.

QUI-GON:
Well, it's too dangerous to call for help. And a ship without a power supply
will not get us anywhere. And... there's something about this boy.

OBI-WAN:
Uh, well... my offer to dance for cash still stands Master, if you... (hears
loud click noise). Hello?

Post comment Comments
Gandbon
Gandbon Jul 21 2010, 8:15pm says:

Funny. Best thing i ever saw. I never lugaht this long. If there was a thing to rate for this: 100000000000/10

+2 votes     reply to comment
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