Gabrielle's Rails (Pronounced Gab-ry-ell-uh) Thread

Hi! I'm quite new to this forum, mostly because I've only recently been looking into Indie-style game creation, but after thinking about it-
I wish to get some critique on this fairly bare-bones idea. Be honest, I dislike people "bumping up my self-confidence" or whatever. :I
Gabriele's Rails (Tentative title):
Many years ago, a man by the name of Gabriele...er, [insert clever last name here] bought an island just off the coast of New Mexico. It wasn't a huge deal, but after three years, the government decided to angrily gain the taxes this mysterious man owed. (Epically badly thought out transition, I realize.) But when the officials came over, five of them disappeared without a trace, and Gabriele was no where to be found. The rest of the officials decided to condemn the island completely, deciding that it would be best to just be left alone; the island was too close to a neutral zone to just "eliminate"...and so it was left.

The year is 2004, and rich lottery winner (No_name) wants to buy an island. Knowing this man is just some loser who thinks he owns the world, the government (I'm very sorry for not specifying a specific government...) gives the man the only island he can afford. Gabriele's Island.
This is where the game begins. No_name arrives on this island alone...he is surprised to find out that it isn't the luxury he thought it would be. The only notable things on the island are a large forest, and a tall spire in the middle of the trees. Around this discovery, the boat captain (who pilots a very cruddy ship, of course) discovers something himself. He has run out of fuel.
Giving both men a reason to head into the forest (Captain figures that if there is any fuel, it's bound to be around the spire area), they...head into the forest. Now you control No_name running through the forest with the Captain right behind you...after a bit of exploring, you will come across a mine entrance..and then, it starts to rain. These men being the idiots they are, head into the mine, and into the first challenge. Unsurprisingly, the mine entrance mysteriously collapses...and a thinly lamped path deeper in the tunnel makes itself known.
Once you are both inside the cave, you both become separated. The captain comes across an old diary and a way out. Heading back to his boat, he sets up a camp there. Sometime they both acquire Walkie-Talkies...
This sets the game up for the actual fun game-play. Inside the cave, down the path No_Name takes, is an elaborate maze of rail-systems (not like train tracks...think Spinball) and other fun challenges. This whole game relies on the speed of the player, to accomplish each challenge before more of the caves collapse.
The Captain provides intel, as the journal is full of info that you need to know to play the game...don't worry, your walkie-talkie won't last forever.
And there are steam-punk themed robots. Fun. :} And did I mention there will hopefully be a magnet glove (Yes, like from the latest Mission Impossible)?

Edited by: Marphix

Why not call it Gabriella instead of pointing out Gabrielle is pronounced like Gabriella. Ok...

Because Gabrielle is a male name, and Gabrielle is a man. "Uh" not "Ah".

(Besides, I'll probably only have the title as Gabrielle's Rails. It just seemed a good idea to point out how it sounded)

No Gabrielle is a woman's name...Gabriel is the male equivalent lol.

I know a male Gabrielle.
Edit: My bad, I added an extra "L". Gabriele.

Edited by: Marphix

You wish to get some critique on the idea, so here it is: the story of the idea you just explained is can be okay-ish (even though there are quite some clichés as you've already pointed out yourself), but it's really nothing more than just that - a story idea. You haven't really mentioned any interesting gameplay mechanics, only that the game relies on the speed of the player, and that's usually ultimately what a game is about, else it would be better to just create a movie.

I realize this, which is why I placed it inside the Ideas board. I'm trying develop a story, but this is a fairly new idea. I'm open to suggestions on how to polish this up, of course.
Note: It also looks better in my head...moving on from that, I wish to add onto the idea without spoiling too much of my spoilers...yeah.
-Gabriele will never be seen...this isn't a key item in the game, but it would be the topic of a few interesting fan theories if the game is eventually published. The man Gabriele is presumably alive, and communicates through his bronzen (new word, I'm sorry) contraptions. Of course there is always the chance that he is dead...but I shouldn't jump too far ahead of myself.
-Game Mechanics: As I may have indirectly stated, this is a fact-paced action puzzle platformer game. No guns (the Captain has one, but that shouldn't matter for now), no weapons. I'm thinking of adding a Navi...I mean, a nice little helper...or I couldn't just stick with the walkie-talkie idea. And branching on to that, I want this game to be based on both timing and sequence. Sequence, in that, following patterns will help you figure out levels. Timing, in that, you can't miss some jumps. Most of the game will be spent on the title's feature: Gabriele's Rails. With the magnetic glove, you can latch onto small metal platforms to ride on a rollercoaster type ride...which you will need to often jump off of before the ride is done.
-Otherwise: This game won't all be based on this action. It will otherwise focus on story, and maybe introducing a choice system. Maybe.

The male spelling I believe is Gabriel.As in the archangel.But I could be wrong,too.

That is a way to spell it, but in [Italian, I believe] it can also be spelt Gabriele with a slightly different pronunciation.

I came back because I forgot to critique the idea in a constructive way but it's mostly just a story? What gameplay is going to be in this game, the idea itself here doesn't really tell me what the game is about. All I could gather really was that it was a side scrolling game where you have to complete small puzzles within a time limit or the cave collapses but other than that I couldn't really grasp the idea. "This whole game relies on the speed of the player"; all that is really saying is that the whole game has a time limit.

Wow, I must be really terrible at describing my mind. >:\
I meant the rails were like spinball, not the whole game. It would be a rendered game. The whole mechanics aren't completely fleshed out as of yet, I was just testing out the story more. This game doesn't have a time limit specifically, as only certain levels require quick reaction. Like, when one is running away from Slenderman; by stopping (and looking back, etc), you can easily die. So you don't. Yeah. :I

I did a bit of searching, and actually found a game which shows what I mean in ways of how the character would move. Check out Sarah's Run on Kongregate.

Okay,then that makes both of us right.I like that.