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ninjadave
ninjadave Aka Dave
May 29 2012, 4:38pm Anchor

So lets summarize this:

I'm making an adventuresque noir project called Dave the Survivor. Because of the game style, maintaining a good story and great dialogue is very important, and needs to compliment the art style.


That said, rather than throwing a wall of words out or jumbled story, I'll try to show you what I have.

The environment is a sprawling cityscape, but somethings definitely seem amiss. No one is to be outside during nightfall except lesser cleaners. Despite such a large urban ground, the area is noticeable lacking people. The area is remarkably silent as you wander the streets. Large vehicles patrol the roads looking for anyone without the proper clearance to be wandering around.

The main character is a decent man named Carter. When he was young, he was involved in petty theft, which ironically led him to build and design security systems for businesses. He is noted to be 'determined' and 'persistent'. I would like to make it clear that he isn't very unusual of a person. No ex-marine or rebel fighter. He needs to be a somewhat clean slate for his character to shape throughout this project.

At some point he'll get a tip to review old 'fatal accident' files that this company he works for has accumulated. Mostly just for someone to review at the police station, and ensure there was no foul play. After reviewing a few he discovers that someone seems to have 'copied and pasted' one victim into several different incidents.

He won't know what to do. This definitely looks intentional, but is it from an outside source, or did someone change it from the inside? Carter won't immediately act on it. He'll be quite hesitant, in fact largely lose sleep thinking of all the possibilities. (Its important here to show his isolation. Definitely show he won't have anyone to turn to) Finally, he'll find an old friend who can take a glance at some of the old file logs.

His friend quickly finds a source address for whoever is changing the files. In fact it looks like they took no attempt to hide their location at all.
The location appears to be 17 floors below ground.

Now assured this was an outside intrusion, calls the automated police to report the damages. He is told the damages are done, and there is nothing they can do about the lesser people living underground.

Being persistent, he wants answers, and decides to look at this so called underground.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Edited by: ninjadave

zekio309
zekio309 Student
May 30 2012, 12:17pm Anchor

The picture is what caught my attention. I enjoyed the simplistic art look and hope the game would reflect that style with color schemes seen in games like MadWorld. your description should be summed up into an elevator pitch (about one paragraph long) and if people are begging for more info. you could make a seperate file with the in depth details on your profile(win-win). From what I understood the character isn't satisfied with this person copying another persons' death and wants to explore the underground of this location. To make the character stand out you need to give him some sort of edge, people usually dont want to play as the average technician since there is nothing outstanding about them. perhaps you could give him a knack for making androids that follow/help him or maybe he has developed some advanced parkour skills to add to his thief repertoire?  I would keep pushing the idea and seeing what you could come up with, and perhaps the lesser people underground are oppressed by the govt. Carter works for? If you want my help further please message me and I will be glad to try and lend my skills :).

May 30 2012, 5:42pm Anchor
ninjadave wrote:
The environment is a sprawling cityscape, but somethings definitely seem amiss. No one is to be outside during nightfall except lesser cleaners. Despite such a large urban ground, the area is noticeable lacking people. The area is remarkably silent as you wander the streets. Large vehicles patrol the roads looking for anyone without the proper clearance to be wandering around.

The main character is a decent man named Carter. When he was young, he was involved in petty theft, which ironically led him to build and design security systems for businesses. He is noted to be 'determined' and 'persistent'. I would like to make it clear that he isn't very unusual of a person. No ex-marine or rebel fighter. He needs to be a somewhat clean slate for his character to shape throughout this project.


Nice idea. I like the idea of his character developing over time. Carter seems pretty lonely, I like the way this is mirrored in the setting.

zekio309 wrote:To make the character stand out you need to give him some sort of edge, people usually dont want to play as the average technician since there is nothing outstanding about them. perhaps you could give him a knack for making androids that follow/help him or maybe he has developed some advanced parkour skills to add to his thief repertoire?

I agree, I like the idea of the androids helping. :)

ninjadave
ninjadave Aka Dave
May 31 2012, 12:34pm Anchor

I see potential in the Androids idea.
I'll keep pushing and see if something forms.

Thank you for your input.

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"Assaultman67 proudly rates a 7 out of 10 for Dave's interesting level."

zekio309
zekio309 Student
May 31 2012, 2:18pm Anchor
ninjadave wrote:I see potential in the Androids idea.
I'll keep pushing and see if something forms.

Thank you for your input.


No Problem at all sir. cant wait to see where the project leads!

Jul 1 2012, 10:17am Anchor

This sounds as good as the rest of the game looks, ties in perfect with the style.
I really like the idea that he's a security expert and gets into that because he's a thief when he's younger, it's really credible. It sounds like it'd be quite a sweet non-fiction story to that point XD
 

Someone wrote:The environment is a sprawling cityscape, but somethings definitely seem amiss. No one is to be outside during nightfall except lesser cleaners. Despite such a large urban ground, the area is noticeable lacking people. The area is remarkably silent as you wander the streets. Large vehicles patrol the roads looking for anyone without the proper clearance to be wandering around.

Have you ever read the story "The Sleeper Awakes" by H G Wells? It sounds vaguely similar and you might find some inspiration there. If your an avid reader its a good story anyway and pretty short, but halfway through it takes a turn and has parallels to your story.

Someone wrote:The main character is a decent man named Carter. When he was young, he was involved in petty theft, which ironically led him to build and design security systems for businesses. He is noted to be 'determined' and 'persistent'. I would like to make it clear that he isn't very unusual of a person. No ex-marine or rebel fighter. He needs to be a somewhat clean slate for his character to shape throughout this project.

I'm just thinking from this that he's not the kind of main character you'd get excited about playing. Perhaps it could be a little more than petty theft, maybe he's a hacker or something and he keeps breaking into companies until one company makes it easy for him so they can catch him, but instead of sending him to prison they hire him as their security expert. I agree that its cool to have a character that's got realistic skills and a realistic background, but I also agree with zekio309 that he might need something more. I do think you could get through the story without any skills but I don't think that'd help you with making this game unique. So maybe yeah, he has little buddy androids that help him see around corners or something or he's an athlete with parkour skills, all sounds within his given abilities.

Someone wrote:At some point he'll get a tip to review old 'fatal accident' files that this company he works for has accumulated. Mostly just for someone to review at the police station, and ensure there was no foul play. After reviewing a few he discovers that someone seems to have 'copied and pasted' one victim into several different incidents.He won't know what to do. 

I might avoid this kind of deus ex machina, it might be hard to keep up. It's an easy technique to propel the main character into a story by using some mystery man, but would it justify how far the main character takes his investigation. I mean who gives this tip? Will he come back later? Will he be revealed? Would it just be some bloke or would it be the main bad guy (ala Bioshock, i won't say anymore because its a spoiler)? Or would this anonymous tipster turn out to be the victim they keep copying in all these documents? That might justify his anonymity, but what motivates our the main character to do what he does?

Someone wrote:This definitely looks intentional, but is it from an outside source, or did someone change it from the inside? Carter won't immediately act on it. He'll be quite hesitant, in fact largely lose sleep thinking of all the possibilities. (Its important here to show his isolation. Definitely show he won't have anyone to turn to) Finally, he'll find an old friend who can take a glance at some of the old file logs.His friend quickly finds a source address for whoever is changing the files. In fact it looks like they took no attempt to hide their location at all.
The location appears to be 17 floors below ground.Now assured this was an outside intrusion, calls the automated police to report the damages. He is told the damages are done, and there is nothing they can do about the lesser people living underground.Being persistent, he wants answers, and decides to look at this so called underground.

 
Why would it be from an outside source? Would that make sense? Why not have it that the company he works for is part of some government conspiracy cover up and they doctored the papers themselves.
I'm not sure about the old friend thing, it's used too often and you do say he's got no-one to turn to... until he remembers that there is someone he can turn to. Maybe you could have it so that it's not an old friend, just someone he's knows of, maybe he starts poking round and finds out about a criminal who forges things so goes to him for help. He gets some information and he's on his way. But instead of just choosing to investigate it himself the main character throws the papers away and gives up but it turns out that the company had noticed the papers were missing and had sent men to tail the main character. They'd seen him go to this forger and they tortured this guy for what went on and thats when they find out that the main character is on to them so they launch a government endorsed man hunt by declaring him a wanted man and making up some crimes, perhaps blaming him for all those accidents that are on the papers.

Phew. I didn't mean to get that into it or analytical. If any of this sounds like I'm changing your story or telling you what to do, just remember I'm brainstorming and this is how I do it. I just love the visual style of the game, i definitely think it'd be a more unique indie game like LIMBO and the story just enhances it so far. I'll stop writing and let you get on with it XD

ninjadave
ninjadave Aka Dave
Jul 1 2012, 5:28pm Anchor

I've never read The Sleep Awakes, which is a shame because I've liked H. G. Wells' work. In a similar manner as The Time Machine, the people on the surface and the people living underground is intended to show a literal separation of classes.

Honestly I've been really focusing on having Carter very unique by having him very normal, but clearly isn't nearly interesting enough. I really do like the android idea, and I think it would really work if they had unique characteristics or limitations, so you couldn't entirely rely on them.

I won't reveal it yet, but the tip will definitely be a huge motivating factor.

I shouldn't have used the word friend as much as I should have said "friend". It should be immediately apparent that his old friend must have been someone he knew in his criminal past. He wouldn't be so eager to dig into his past, so this must have taken some serious thought.

Having the government declare him a wanted man would put him against way too powerful of a force way too quickly. Notably, telling the police probably does have some unforeseen consequences, if the government played a role in it.

Thank you for the feedback!

Edited by: ninjadave

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"Assaultman67 proudly rates a 7 out of 10 for Dave's interesting level."

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